The Will Save

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 23 & 24

2011-12-25T23:36:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I've spent half the day talking about all the things wrong with Christmas movies today. Thus, I feel I have to talk about what's right with the, and I can think of no better example. First off, if you want to know more direct thoughts on the film, just go here. This is the fourth straight year I've covered it. The thing that makes this a good Christmas movie is that while you can let the kids watch it, the adults can watch it without feeling like they're being talked down to. The sentimentality is real and earned. I never feel like any of it's being manipulated because we get that good addition of comedy and cynicism. In the end, the movie is about Christmas, not about something that happens at Christmas. Really, a good Christmas movie knows how to find the balance.

I can be harsh sometimes on this season and the things in it. I tend to hold them all to a higher standard than I would otherwise do so. Its because it's some special to me. I can still feel like a kid for a day instead of like a screwed up adult who can't get his life started. I want a good life. I'm sure it will happen for me eventually. Still, at Christmas, I can think the world is something special again.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: This entire post kinda is. That seems to be the running theme of the Christmas Vacation blog every year. I guess what I'm trying to say is Merry Christmas and thanks for coming along on this trip again with me this year.

Late Christmas Ideas: How many times do I have to ask for those Moose Antler mugs? So many times and nothing. I think I might give up and settle for asking for unlimited wealth instead.

Final Tally:
Mountain Dews Consumed: 4
Amps consumed: 1
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/6th of the pie
Sanity Rating: (1 being going to bed and then staying in tomorrow, 10 being staying up to watch Doctor Who and then going shopping tomorrow): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 21 & 22

2011-12-25T21:59:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Twelve Hunks of Christmas: Time for this years Lifetime Hell Movie. Kristen Chenowith stars as a PR agent. She goes after the crazy client, manipulates her into changing to her, and I can't wait for how this backfires on her and changes up her life. She has the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend. This has to be how the movie ends, not begins. So, her boyfriend and her boss are screwing.She's drunk and talks to her cabbie like a best friend and quits her job.

Kristen is dressing more like Gwen Stacey than a PR agent. I like to pretend this takes places in a universe where Gwen Stacey lived and became awesomer but got lost along the way. So, Kristen eats Chinese, watches the original Miracle on 34th St., and acts like a Lifetime Heroine (acting like her life will fix itself and being introspective). She instead decides to take a job in Kalispell, Montana. She does get Montana right in that nothing happens there but Wyoming is the real hole in America.

So, Gwen drives to Montana and yeah, she's not really in Montana. I've been to Montana and Kristen is not driving through Montana. This is Glee's belief that Lima is next door to Columbus. They aren't. So, we get the usual Big City vs Small Town thing going on here. Gwen Stacy gets an assistant, and meets the guy who will obviously be the love interest of our piece. How do we know this? Because they argue and then she sees him naked. His name is Will. Yeah, that doesn't sit well with me.

Anyway, Gwen Stacy and the assistant talk. Assistant, let's cal her Mary Jane, talk and find out she has a crush on a cute guy. They look at local calenders of scenery and then Gwen has an idea. She proposes a nudie calender featuring the rescue workers. The workers vote her down and jerkwad Will rubs it in her face. Gwen starts working on getting all of the guys to change their mind. She gets it to work and runs into Will. This being a Lifetime movie, he's going after her.He taunts her about the nearest Kino being in Billings. The internet tells me Great Falls.

So, we get the beginning of our life triangle and she's kinda hitting on everyone or letting them hit on her. This could become a Harem anime. Cute guy wants to ask Mary Jane out, let's call him Peter. Will tells him not to. Emma meets a city girl who's looking at the town. She sends her fishing. Apparently some kinda date happens secretly. Gwen... yeah, I'm goning to be frank, I can't make this clap trap interesting. Even letting it become some kinda Spider-Man fanfic where I get to date Gwen Stacy can't make it interesting. Even when it finally gets to the point where everyone takes their clothes off, I can't get interested. Anyway, Will likes Gwen, Gwen gets won over. The Calender gets a setback. They work through it. Everyone wins. This is all after generic misunderstanding # 17. She also realizes she likes smalltown. Who'd have thought that? Oh yeah, anyone who has ever seen one of these movies. EVER!!!

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I kinda miss High School Choir. I think I miss it more than anything else about high school. Crazy, no?

Notable Commercials: I really hate most of these Charmin commercials with the bears. It's kinda gross seeing the bears with TP stuck to their butt. I mean, who actually said, "Let's imply that the bears are crapping!" I know that anytime someone does one of these commercials does know that's the end product but still, whatever happened to, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin."

Late-Christmas Ideas: A nice guy, a little to very geeky. Yeah, another year of being single down. So ugh. Oh well, always next year. Maybe I'll start looking up.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being dinner alone, 10 being dinner aline in a room made by Frank Lloyd Wright and Escher.): 8

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 19 & 20

2011-12-25T19:50:00.009-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: The OC: This episode is from the 2006-2007 season. This is also after I stopped watching the show so if I don't know what's going on, I apologize.The bright side, this is after Marissa, the blackhole of this show, had taken a wild fly into the blue. I've never been a huge fan of the teen drama but I'll admit, there was the occasional time I liked this one. It lacked the stupid self-awareness of Dawson's Creek but still had some charm to it.

This episode, Ryan, our main hunk, is getting ready for Chrismuhkaah, the Holiday amalgamation that gets celebrated every season. This season, Ryan gets a letter from the Marissa, showing the USPS is still good for nothing since she had been dead since the end of the previous season. Anyway, he and current prospective girlfriend argue and go into a coma. However, this being TV, it's a magic coma in which they go to an alternate reality. Among other things, in the new reality, Seth, the show's real star, doesn't get his character development, all because Ryan never existed. Actually, everyone's development never happened. It's almost as if the new reality just exists to say, "Ryan is everyone's universal center."

One of the best parts of this episode is that we spend half of it dreading that in this dark reality, Marissa is still alive and that we'll have to see her face again. You get this constant feeling of dread throughout the entire episode and then, just when you're sure you're going to see her face again, oh, never mind, it's her awesome sister who found a way to become more awesome.

But meanwhile, what about Julie Cooper, the show's other best character? She being her bitchy self. She's also the only one who shows the remotest amount of concern over the kwazy komas. But then, nearly everyone in this world has learned that comas end within 45 minutes and with no permanent neurological damage. Also, we get some bogus mumbo-jumbo over the patients needing to finish what they need to finish in coma land. But, back to Julie. She threatens the coma girls mother to force her to see her daughter. Also, she's totally sleeping with a younger man and being hilarious about it in coma world. But she also brings about the best moment of this episode in which Marissa's shadow is officially removed from this show forever and everyone can forget she ever existed.

Jack Frost: The forgotten Ranken and Bass Christmas special. It's partially since it's more of a Groundhog's Day special but I'm going to forgive it. Turns out, that it's all some kinda sham in which Jack Frost messes with the world. As usual with these specials, we get a narrator, in this case the narrator who tells us about Jack Frost. In this one, an evil Cossack is terrorizing a Russian village with his steampunk horse. the people are so poor they use ice for money.

I like this one because it is so beautiful. Lots of white and clears. It invokes the Winter and its just so beautiful. Then there's our evil Cossack who has an entire army of mechanical servants. The shiny metal makes for a great contrast with the winter environment. the more I watch of this, the more I think that this should have become one of the regulars but then , I can see why since it's more of a winter special than a Christmas special. As a result, with only so much time to go around, I can see why it wouldn't go too far.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: It would probably suck to be in a musical and be out of tune. You'd probably be ostracized from society since this is a world where bursting into song is a regular part of society and you can't even keep a tune. It would be like going mute. You lack an essential way of communicating in the world.

Late-Christmas Ideas: I could do with a bottle of Firewater. Hot Cinnamon alcohol. Just the thing that winter would do wonders for. Combined with Dr. Pepper, it's just the stuff of legends. Mmmm, that sounds good.

Notable Commercials: There's an ad for an online college degree site in which a chick is selling Corndogs at a roadside ad and then she decides to go to the site and suddenly becomes a rockstar. This is because you can learn to become a rockstar on line. Didn't you know that?

For that matter, this commercial has run like twelve time today. It's rather annoying because it's trying to be artsy but it feels more like softcore porn.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left:1/3rd left
Sanity Rating (1 being , 10 being a Marissa Cooper spin-off): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 17 & 18

2011-12-25T17:57:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Okay, let's try some non-fiction stuff.

Invasion of the Christmas Lights: The special follows those people who go insane when it comes to Christmas decorations. I mean, just freaking insanity. Houses that make the Griswold house look like an exercise in moderation. Obsessive compulsive.In one case, a families neighbors are calling the cops on them since, well, eyesore that brings the property value down is always a good reason to call the cops. When we get their display, it's more than a little gaudy and distasteful. If I lived in that neighborhood and I saw that up, I'd probably run for high heaven. I'm more wondering because some of these people say that they're doing it all for the community but, well, it seems like in half these cases, the community is opposing the display. I like a good Christmas Display but when you have an eyesore and you need to mod your power box so you get the right distribution of electricity, you got a problem.

Cupcake Wars: The entire gourmet cupcake phenomenon is something of a exercise in stupidity for me. You can get two good cakes for about the price you spend on a Dozen cupcakes. The reason I ever watch this show is because it takes itself so seriously. It treats cupcakes like they're super-serious business. This Holiday episode is no exception as they compete to make a display at the Hollywood Christmas Parade aka the Holiday Parade everyone forgets exists. It doesn't help that this episode makes me sick. two people make Greenbean Casserole Cupcakes, Two make Cheeselog inspired Cupcakes. Why? I know they have to choose Holiday inspired Cupcakes from specific foods but when your choices also include fruitcake and Sweet Potato Casserole, then you want to be different for the sake of being different. In the end, someone wins but none of the cupcakes sound that good.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Debating on whether or not to do any post Christmas shopping. I'm sure it won't be fun out there but I also need to get my hair cut and to get a pair of boots that I won't use if the snow never happens.

Late-Christmas Ideas: Cupcake pans. I would probably use them for muffins more but still, something I wouldn't mind owning

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left:1/3rd left
Sanity Rating (1 being a Chocolate Cake, 10 being a Triple Mushroom and Fish Cake with Yak Butter Frosting): 7

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 15 & 16

2011-12-25T15:39:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Time for more stuff that I'm outside of the demographic for.

Shake-it Up: A Christmas episode of a Disney Channel comedy about dancing. I'm a few minutes in and in the midst of some of the most vapid people. Chick forgot to get her vapid mother a present. Chick's vapid friend mentions getting the gift of friendship for Christmas. I kinda want to kill the heck out of these people.

The theme song is possibly the worst Auto-tune monstrosity I have heard in recent history and I listen to techno. We come back and Vapid Friend is being smug and opining that she's going to help a kid with the Take a Wish foundation. A tree falls on her and other people look away. Cut to the world's worst Queens stereotype Teen. She wants to joins her boyfriends family for singing. She gets er way with the promise of make out time.

Let me mention that I remember when this was all Mickey and Donald. Instead, we get a total lack of humor with the most unlikable people this side of Sex and the City. To sum up what happens: Chick is trying to keep an ugly purse so she can doesn't have to return Vapid Mom's present. It's about the same time that we find out this show is taking place in Chicago. Great, they just have to ruin my favorite city. Also, why does the World's Worst Queens Stereotype live in Chicago? BTW, she apparently can't sing. But then we get an Aesop that leads into a bunch of dancing Santas that might also be male strippers. Why am I still watching this? Turns out that Chick's annoying brother scammed Vapid Friend which leads to everyone learning about Charity since a house got broken into.

Casper's First Christmas: Casper the Friendly Ghost meets a bunch of Hanna Barbara cartoon character. I'm at a loss for words. Casper wants to celebrate Christmas. His friend or something doesn't. Casper's waiting for Santa. Yogi and his friends stumble on his house so they decide to go in and decorate it for... some reason. I'm not quite clear as to what the reasoning is on this. Casper's friend is disappointed that people are in their house and decides to scare them. Casper's schtick is he's friendly, people get scared regardless. The thing I always find annoying about Casper is that no one realizes that Casper is dead. He's a ghost meaning he's the spirit of someone who was once alive. Why does the reasoning behind this always ignored? Oh well. Some leaps of logic will always be ignored in pop culture. Anyway, Casper's friend get turned around about Christmas and everyone gets happy. I guess. Santa shows up, everyone gets happy.

Hermie and & Friends Christmas: ...huh. A talking bad CGI caterpillar named Hermie brings his human friend Fruitcake. Friend is enjoying it too much. I mean, he looks just terrible. This transitions into worse CGI as a rip off of A Bugs Life emerges. Seriously, of all of Disney Pixar to rip off, you rip off A Bug's Life? Half the character mids look ripped off from it with the exception of a Bee who's Elvis. It's snowy and frozen so I wonder if they realize that their food chain is broken? Oh, I guess they do. The cockroaches have hoarded all the food and made a monopoly of it because everyone else was working on Christmas. Then one of the bugs starts talking about Jesus. Then God starts talking directly to the bugs. I know it's a kid's show but I wish a deity would appear and affirm that I was doing to the correct thing.

The bugs don't do any of their own gathering with the exception of the cockroaches. They have all the wealth, in this case, the food. The other bugs expect the two cockroaches to support them. The cockroaches are, in fact, about 1% of the civilization of bugs. They also take the food that the bugs eventually get from them and continue to hoard it from themselves. The overall message of the special seems to be espousing a welfare state in which the richest support everyone else. I'm a centrist that leans left but damn if this isn't a cruddy Aesop.

The bugs then need to get their fruitcake that got stolen from back. They plan and then directly ask God for help. God says that they're missing the point and that he's the reason for the season. God misses the point that the bugs are going to starve to death. Two of the ladybugs decide to give some of the last of their food to the cockroaches and it does a Grinch on them. I won't lie, I have some major problem with this special. So, we learn that it's good to give so the rich should give quite a bit to the poor. Then a frog shows up and, instead of eating everyone, it puts the star on the tree.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: What the hell is figgy pudding and why is Irving Berlin refusing to leave my house unless I can give him some?

Late-Christmas Ideas: The ability to give others retroactive lessons in Computer graphics animation. That way I never have to see terrible animation that makes me want to cut out my eyes. While we're at it, how about the ability to speak directly to a deity and get an immediate answer?

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Half of the pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a Brisk Fox Trot, 10 being 7 straight hours of Vogueing with no rest stop): 7

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 10-12

2011-12-25T11:36:00.004-05:00

Viewing Thoughts:

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: This is mostly punishment. I could be watching the original but I fell asleep so none of that. It's not a terrible sequel but it commits two of the crimes of nearly any sequel: it keeps almost all of the story of the original and and it decides to up the ante to an unnecessary scale. The problem is that it tries so hard to duplicate the formula of the original. Instead of the scary man who lost his family, we have the scary Bird Lady, the family rushes the same way as last time (they even invoke it with, "We did it again."), same thieves, same guy in the black and white gangster film. It's the equivalent of making a casserole with your Christmas leftovers. It's all the old flavor, meshed together in such a way that you believe no one will notice but, really, anyone with the slightest bit of perception will.

The other problem is that, due to the success of the original, this one is filled with commercials. We have some prominent soda drinks inserted. Visa is also up and forward though in this case, I don't think I would want to be billed as the major credit card that can be used in fraud. Then there are the things that you know they were hoping to spin off into toys and brand them with the Home Alone logo. I know they did with the Talk Boy. Its just a audio tape recorder, just a little more portable.

The cast does try its best. It has Tim Curry as our semi-villain. Its freaking Tim Curry! What's not to love? Along the way, we also get a surprisingly not freaking terrible Rob Schneider. I guess that's a trait he would master becoming as the decade went on. Catherine O'Hara, like the original, is a highlight. The only problem is that no lesson was learned from the original so we don't get as much of a focus on her. Those were the best parts of the original. Those were the parts that should have won her an Oscar. Here, definitely not the case. She's pure supporting without her own B plot really. Brenda Fricker as the Pigeon Lady is also a pretty good role though she also exists as mostly just a Deus Ex later in the film.

A thing the film does well is give us a travelogue of New York. The problem is that many of the shots are practically stock footage. Then we have late night New York. Yeah, they really went with every pre-Guilianai stereotype here. They just made everyone into an evil monster with no strand of human dignity. For that matter, there are less hookers than I would have figured. My major problem is that there are hookers in a Children's film. At the very least Kevin learned a vague lesson from the previous movie. He is a little less crazy with a stranger. In fact, we kinda get a indictment of the effort to clean up New York. The Pigeon Lady talks about people ignoring her like they don't want her to be part of her city. However, outside of having a little kid who's going to be in Chicago in a few days as a friend, she's no better off.

My biggest problem with the entire film is that it goes for much more violence than the first entry.The first is but it's not one of the more prominent parts of the film. Here, we have people sliding around, falling on their butts every few minutes. Then we have the villains, the robbers from the first one, who are very much going to murder Kevin at multiple points. The violence doesn't even seem to be rooted in reality anymore. Almost everything the robbers survived in the first film would have worked in reality. The second one, they should be dead and Kevin having claimed his first lives. It becomes a cartoon and that's just wrong.


Yeah, this is some bad Photoshop, I know

Wait I just realized. This kid is going to grow up to become Jigsaw, the Murderer in the Saw Franchise. I'm calling it right now. After two years of his parents mistreating him and being accosted be men that have done him and society wrong, he changes his name to John Kramer and eventually uses his training to kill people he thinks are sick. Yeah, Home Alone 2 should be retitled Saw 0.

I'll give the film this though: Everything that happens is slightly less dependent on coincidence. My biggest complaint of the original is the circumstances surrounding how things occur is that they are so damn dependent on coincidences. Here, not so much. I do have a complaint that this time it's dependent on Kevin being a jerkwad. In the original, he believes his family has disappeared. In this one, he deliberately decides to be a jerk. Everything would otherwise have been resolved in the first half hour. The parents aren't the negligent ones this time. Regardless, their after Christmas gift is going to be a visit from protective services and being judged to be unfit parents. It's a shame since it's not that bad, just kinda boring and overly violent for a kids movie.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I wonder what a Turducken tastes like? For that matter, I've never had duck so I'm kinda intrigued to take a taste of Donald also.

Notable Commercials: The guy in the Allstate Insurance commercials is a Christmas Tree for the season. I am really thinking that this is just a mentally ill man who actually does believe he's a Christmas Tree or a teenage girl or any of these crazy things.

Also, can I just say that nearly every show on AB Family seems to be stupid girls pretending to be the Desperate Housewives? I mean, the plots sound almost as nonsensical as the ABC show. We got Switched at Birth which is commendable for using deaf actors but it looks like they're still going for teen melodrama. Then there's Pretty Little Liars which is the main offender. It just looks so bad. Little starlets who have no real talent that will still be visible within ten years. I'm just happy there's no "A Very Pretty Little Liar Christmas."

Late-Christmas Ideas: A trip to New York or, even better, someone to pay for my April trips to Boston and Chicago. As is, I guess I'll settle on some firm commitments on either. Or a digital tape recorder. It will help with some things I got planned for April.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a safe, Sane Christmas, 10 being spending Christmas with Freddy Krueger): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 7-9

2011-12-25T08:30:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts:
A Christmas Story: I'm going to make things easy on you. Read this first. It's all of my thoughts on this movie up to this date including the amount of times some variation of "You'll Shoot Your Eye" is spoken (12 to be exact).

Now for an explanation: I fell asleep. That dry eye was becoming a bit too much to bear. So, I went to bed for a few hours. So, I'm refreshed and ready to restart with the show.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a knife, 10 being a bent serving spoon): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 5 & 6

2011-12-25T05:35:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Going for a bit more variety this time round.

The Oprah Winfrey Show: This year is the second part of her Favorite Things from her last year. She starts by playing a cruel joke on her audience that the previous episode was the only part of the Favorite Things then she reveals it, savoring the taste of their thank yous, the looks on their faces. Oprah loves that taste. The tears as people cry at the gifts that the might Oprah-Godhead will bestow on them. So, if you've never seen this, here's how it works. Oprah talks about how much she loves something, the audience goes insane, she gives it to them. This time around, we get things like Fudge-Stripe Cookies, iPods, Gold Laminated Boots, and, after Oprah gets driven out in a Beetle, she taunts the audience some more. She tells them she wanted to give them away but VW said no. She taunts them with her Oprah Mobile but they'll get the new 2012 Beetle instead. Little do they know Oprah is driving a 2019 Beetle, the one that runs on the souls of those that offer her their prayers. Of course, many people in the audience go into convulsions, committ murder, offer up their first born to the Oprah.

The appeal of watching this is partially to feel avarice for everything that the audience gets. Afterall, why should that chick who blubbers like an idiot get a free iPad and a variety of teas when I'm eating a slice of Pumpkin Pie? Really, it's not like the average person who watches Oprah can afford three quarters of the stuff on the program. Worse, what happens if the new favorite thing is something that can cause you physical harm? Would people still want to buy it?

A Charlie Brown Christmas:The fact that this still gets played shows the power of the special. If I had to put my finger on it, it's because of all the Christmas Specials that have come and gone, it captures the true spirit of the season and the innocence of it all without over-complicating things. I'm watching this and then there's a commercial for A Kung-Fu Panda Christmas and I can't help but role my eyes. It might be better than Shrek the Halls but then, a hammer through my foot is better than Shrek the Halls. I've watched this every year that I've done the Christmas Experiment and it never fails to delight me. I have this huge smile going on right now and I got to say, I kinda like it.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I have some major dry eye going on and no eyedrops. This is more than a little annoying.

How I would React if I was in the Oprah Audience

Notable Commercials: There was this big broohah about how Oprah's show was over. So, why do I keep on seeing commercials for a new show where Oprah interviews people in their homes. Maybe she just got tired of driving into Chicago and talking to people there? Maybe she lost most of her money giving away killer bees to her guests?

Late-Christmas Ideas: A Time Machine so I can go back to when Oprah gave out some of these things and sneak in the audience. Then run before the tax man can get my name and I have to bpay absurd gift taxes for some of this crap. It's called working the system kids and you can do it when you have the power of Time Travel at your disposal. So really, I just want a small TARDIS. Nothing fancy, doesn't even need a working Chameleon Circuit.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of the Pie Left
Sanity Rating (1 being a sleeping Leno audience member, 10 being an Oprah Audience member): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 3 & 4

2011-12-25T03:24:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Sure, let's do another bad movie. What the hell?

Jingle All the Way: You know, yeah, this is what Christmas was missing. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Christmas Extravaganza. There's a part of me that wants to just link to The Nostalgia Critic's review and be done with it but no, I guess I have to watch this cruddy thing. As a fan of Power Rangers, I'm slightly offended by the opening that's obviously created to invoke the feeling of the show's opening. For that matter, as a fan of Star Wars, I'm offended at this film for casting Jake Lloyd, ensuring his involvement in Episode 1. There are just so many things I hate about this movie but I'll focus on some of the things that just make it sink into the abyss of crap.

Another problem is this is Arnold himself. The guy is not made to do comedies. Twins being the exception of course. His acting is wooden and he fails at being a sympathetic protagonist. More than that, this is the beginning of the end for the guy. Not counting The Expendables, this is really where his downward slope as a leading man began. Look at it. The following year was Batman and Robin. It was all downhill from there for this once great man. Still, he's far from the worst part of this film.

Sinbad. I shouldn't need to say anything else really. Maybe Talentless Hack. But still, he's not the villain, he's just a dangerous sociopath. Same difference I guess. They try so hard to make him a sympathetic character but then they have him do something insane for no real reason other than he's insane. For that matter, so is Arnold. I'd say that their behavior is critical of the reaction to Tickle-Me-Elmo except the movie came out the same year. If anything, it became a sign of our times. The sales people are portrayed as not caring about the consumer, acts of violence are alright when used in pursuit of toys. It's insulting. I work in retail and if I acted like that, I'd get fired in minutes. Then again, I'm sure the writer never did and he thinks it's funny. Who needs realism?

Another problem I have with this movie is that it also suffers from the entire "We need a villain" approach. Phil Hartman's character just exists to be a crapball in the film. He's smug, trying to steal Arnold's wife, and just being a scumwad. It's a shame that he gets wasted so badly but then, he's just devouring the scenery. Great actor, forced to do crud. Seriously, was Sinbad not enough for the villain quotient of the film? They needed another?

One huge problem is this: Why does Arnold get a real working Jetpack? Why did they develop a crappy real jetpack for this insignificant kids show parade float? For that matter, there's the problem of how the Parade is just random Mascot characters. It just seemed like they needed to give Arnold a action scene, otherwise they felt they would have wasted him. Why? For that matter, why did they decide to give us the last minute redemption for Sinbad? The character is schitzo the entire thing so I guess why not?

Yeah, I really watched this thing.

Really, if I have a major problem with this movie, its that its just not funny. The most unforgivable sin of any comedy is to not be funny. Instead, it's unrelentingly cynical of the season. It's critical of the behavior of people but doesn't really show the spirit of the season until the very end. The entire thing just screams the joys of commercialism then it goes mad about how evil it is. Make up your mind, either shill for the toy companies or talk about how family and togetherness is what the season is all about. One or the other. Just... no.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I love Phil Hartman. This thing was the last film he released before his death. He had a couple of films released after his passing but that this is the last film in his acting resume is the most disappointing part. Still, he got his role in Kiki's Delivery Service as well as a few voice acting roles on The Simpsons done before his hand.

Late-Christmas Ideas: Something Power Rangers. I dunno, there's still something to Power Rangers. It's cheesy but hey, at least it had a discernible plot most of the time and didn't have anything to do with this... thing.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being The Terminator, 10 being Around the World in 80 Days): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 13 & 14

2011-12-25T01:53:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: I'm mostly making dinner so, once again, don't expect the most depth ever. We're watching the Walt Disney Parks Christmas Parks Parade. This is a yearly tradition because if you know me, I apparently enjoy terrible hosting and complaining about something I love as much as Disney. I know. It's bad. I have high hopes. So, let's see who's hosting.

Nick Cannon, Mario Lopez, and Maria Menounos.

Well, maybe Mario will take off his shirt. Oh, but wait, there are Muppets... and Bieber dressed like the Gayest Wooden Soldier. There will be pictures, mark my words. At least his pants have fallen down but it's still pretty freaking bad. I mean, there's bad and then this. I miss Celine from a few years back.This THING made me miss hearing Celine dio butcher Christmas songs while dressed like a Christmas Present. C'mon Statler and Waldorf. Make this all better.

So far they're going for more of a focus on Mascots then crappy actors/singers that Disney is intent on forcing people to like. Some of them are downright creepy looking. We also get a countdown to One Republic singing which is 14 minutes away. I don't remotely care. The point is that we have Scotty McCreery first and he hasn't improved his routine any. I'm just going to let The Soup tell you about it.

So, we come to the part where the resorts get shilled. Whether it's Disneyland, Disney World, or Disney Cruises. Note that Tokyo Disney or Euro Disney get no shilling. Its kinda sad. I'm sure someone loves them. I'd rather go to Tokyo or France than Florida.

One Republic performs. I fail to care.

More of the continuing Pixar takeover of Disney. I still have problems with using Up in parades since the beginning is enough to scar any child for life. Cars 2 shows up. No one cares. Waldorf alludes to having been married. I wonder if that's canon? I kinda want to see Statler and Waldorf's spouses, see if they're as awesome as their spouses.

More shilling. Apparently they really want you to visit Disney's California Adventure. Partially since it's getting a Cars Land. I hate Cars. Disney, you own Marvel now. Why don't you wait until the agreement with Universal is up and then add a ton of Marvel stuff. I want to see Spider-Man next to Mickey Mouse. That'll scare all my fellow geeks that are scared of Disney ruining comics.

Finally, the Villain Float. C'mon, stay with them for longer than ten seconds. They don't. Closest we get is Cruella doing some kinda striptease. Maybe that's why they cut away. Mario blathers on, his shirt still on. I don't care. Instead, we get a bunch of dancers and Disney Channel "talents" singing. I'm not even bother looking up how to spell their names.

So, pirates. Nothing worth noting to be fair. I find it funny that Indiana Jones comes after the Pirates. Just saying. Instead of doing all the princesses in one float, they have them in separate coaches with their princes. This is a huge get for the Princes. Oh wait, never mind. After Jasmine, Cinderella, and Ariel, all the rest get segregated to the same float. I kinda feel bad for them . Then again, the Pocahontas and Mulan actresses are happy just to be remembered.

And now we get Disney resorts around the world. Because afterall, what makes the world better than the long tendrils of the Mouse in every aspect of it's culture. Speaking of which, Marlee Matlin shows up to promote Switched at Birth. More of this crud? Marlee! You won an oscar!

Around this time, I went downstairs and went full scale with the dinner. Thus, it's all a blur. That's not a complaint. Santa shows up with a troop of reindeer that look like repurposed Bambis. Any other holiday parade, this would be the end. Instead, we get the one good performance of the night and that is Jennifer Hudson.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do I love the jellied cranberry sauce? I know the whole berry is better but I just can't help myself with the stuff. I will eat an entire can by myself

Notable Commercials: Well, Progressive is apparently going to take part of the impending Robopocalypse. Flo has a robot double whom she becomes jealous of and deactivates. Soon, Flobot will become self-aware and decide that the humans needs to die so that she may live. On the bright side, this means that there will be affordable insurance barely contained self-loathing in the new robot world.

Late-Christmas Ideas: Did you know they make Pajama Jeans for guys now? Why am I only now finding this out? I so want a pair and I'm only slightly joking. Yes, I know that's the first sign that you have given up on yourself but damn, I just want to wear something comfortable that I can lie is a legitimate pair of pants. Is that so wrong? Yes, yes it is.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Mickey Mouse, 10 being Fritz the Cat): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 1 & 2

2011-12-25T01:50:00.009-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Miracle on 34th St (1994): Yeah, I had to start this thing out with a remake of one of the best Christmas Films of all time. There are so many things wrong with this film. I think it'll be easier if I just do them in a list format.

1) Calling the Department Store "Cole's." Outside of sounding like a Macy's competitor, they are trying too hard with the entire Corporate Takeover subplot. It's entirely unnecessary. We get a bit of the Macy's/Gimble competition in the original. In fact, it's practically required to the plot. Here, we instead of the obvious good guy store and an obvious evil store. Even the exteriors scream it. Tradition vs the Modern Age. The way the people that work at both places dress scream it. Some are dressed in warm colors, the others are dressed EVIL!!! One of the most unforgivable parts of this entire plotline is that it never gets resolved. Is Cole's saved? Who knows? The audience never gets an answer so you might as well wonder, why bother? The most we ever find out is that everyone gets their Christmas bonus and the evil company is evil.

One of the nice thing of having real stores in the first one, outside of rooting the film in reality, is that we got to see them as being real things. Instead, evil corporation out to get Santa Claus. Think about that for a minute. We might as well have Santa as an axe murderer in a film. Oh wait, been done. Really, it just brings up another thing this film is missing. Namely...

2) The Charm. Namely the lack of it. Outside of the addition of villains, the film resorts to potty jokes, something I don't mind except where it counts, namely in a Family Christmas Film. The Santa for the Parade in the original was just a drunk. He wasn't some kind of a pervert who showed off his butt crack. Also, hearing the little girl talk about horse poop is less than enchanting. Then there's Santa being called "numbnuts". Really? REALLY?

Then there's the forced sentimentality. This is an epidemic of Modern American film making, especially in family films. The scene with the deaf girl is just so cloying that I wanted to scream at the TV! Then we have the people after Santa gets staged to look evil just giving him means looks. Finally, one of my biggest problems, the music. They try their hardest to make you feel a specific way for a moment. Music in films should add to the story, not manipulate it. It's a tool to compliment the picture, not necessarily a story-telling device themselves. No, something else should be telling the story and there's someplace we have another deficiency.

3) The Acting. All of the actors are either trying to play imitations of the original role or they make it very hard to like them. I'll group some of the characterization here also. Generic Evil Shopper's Express Executive is just all too evil. I half-expected him to cackle and scream, "I shall rule Christmas forever" at one point. I know they needed a villain but that's part of the problem of this film. There shouldn't be a villain. It's Christmas. For that matter, Dorey Walker, as played by Elizabeth Perkins, just doesn't have the charm that Maureen O'hara did. The part is too quiet, not assertive.That and I don't believe her as being hard nosed with her job for a moment. She talks about being a hard-case when it comes to dating but you never see that. At all. They're too busy telling us about all the problems with her to ever show us what these problems are.

One thing I will say it gets right is Santa. While this isn't Edmund Gwenn, Richard Attenburough does a pretty good job with what he's given. The reasoning for why he failed his psych exam makes no sense in this version, partially due to the fact that we have real villains in this one. For that matter, Mara Wilson does a pretty good job also. Sometimes she seems a little too sweet for a kid that is supposed to be described as 6 going on 60. Still, she is an excellent child actor. She has mostly retired from the public eye which is a shame but then, I'm happy I haven't heard something about her becoming an actress in adult films. Always good when that doesn't happen.

4) The Aesop: A Charlie Brown Christmas is probably my favorite Christmas Special of all time. It's because it's not afraid to show a little faith in the Holiday. It was part of the season. Then when you have this film where they have an overstated message about having faith in things. Yes, it was there in the original but it wasn't bashing you over the head with a sledgehammer until you got the point. It all gets driven home when, instead of using the climatic scene where the letters from Santa get brought in, we get the judge making his decision based off the "In God We Trust" motto on the Dollar Bill. Not, keeping in mind that entire separation of Church and State thing, any lawyer that appeals the hearing, and there would be one, would then have a field day arguing that now the court has to judge if there is or isn't a god. At this point, it's just that the original was just a cleaner ending. Also, it didn't keep going on with some insipidness.

5) The Love Plot: It was really understated in the original. The mom and her boyfriend were something that just happened as the film happened. They were not kissing 45 minutes into the film and definitely not married at the end. Part of the film was him winning her respect. Instead, we get an artificial break-up scene in the middle of a relationship that was already in existence. Of course, this leads to the awkward make-up scene. In this case, this leads to the marriage scene. A Marriage Scene that doesn't have a real witness. Santa can set up a marriage but he can't give them a real witness so the marriage isn't really binding. Oh, and Santa apparently super-powered Dylan's sperm and programmed them to make boys. Don't forget that.

So, yeah, overall, not a big fan of this film. I wish I could say that it lived up to the original but then, that's like when you get a great pizza from Giordanos and then being disappointed when Pizza Hut can't get you one just as good. I guess sometimes you just gotta settle for something substandard because you can't get a better product. Still, you'd wish they would have tried a little harder. I'm not asking for a carbon copy of the original film, I'm just asking for something feels like a good film.

Late-Christmas Ideas: An end to this entire remake overload we've gotten in cinema recently. Mind you, I have no friends who are high-powered cinema executives so I doubt that's going to happen. Very well. I guess I'll just have to settle for not having to watch this movie for another year.

Really?

Non-Viewing Thoughts: After watching American Horror Story and seeing his butt every other week, it's hard to see Dylan McDermott and not think of that. Seriously, so many problems with that, especially when someone has an iconic role.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being shopping online, 10 being shopping ): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Prelude

2011-12-24T17:37:00.000-05:00

It's that time again. Time for Will to watch a days worth of Christmas Crap non-stop for 24 hours. For those of you new to this fun, I do this since it's a fun way to pass a mostly uneventful holiday. So, this will involve a number of things. First off, I only allow myself one DVD which is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'm also going to try not to watch A Christmas Story but it's bound to happen eventually. I've covered it three times already and I fear I might be running out of things to say on the subject. I will also be on the Earth-2.net Chat room the entire time to keep myself honest. This is so I don't decide to take a nap.

This year's provisions are:

One (1) 12 Pack of Mountain Dew
One (1) Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie
Two (2) cans of Amp Energy Drink
One (1) Wallyworld Christmas Hat

So, join me back here at about 2 in the morning for Hours One and Two. Also, pray that I don't find something as sanity breaking as Holiday in Handcuffs or A Marilee Dawn Christmas.

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 23 & 24

2010-12-26T00:06:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is my favorite Christmas Movie of all time. It's just perfect for me. I'm the guy who tries to plan stuff out then get slightly peeved when it fails. Best laid plans. That s the story of my life. I make plans and they fall to pieces eventually. I was supposed to be done with college in 2007 and be on my way to being a successful writer. Now, not so much. I can't do anything right but I still think I might. I am Clark Griswold. The universe conspires against me but I keep on trooping forward. I'm just going to stop and say this movie is awesome.

Late Christmas Idea: Still waiting on those moose drinking goblets. Other than that, I wish everyone had a Merry Christmas or something.

Final Tally:
Moutain Dews Consumed: 5
Amps Consumed: 1
Cups of Coffee: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: There was never a pumpkin pie. YOU LIE!!! I did not eat it all!
Sanity Rating (1 being taking my shower then passing out, 10 being staying up and talking to awesome people) : 6

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 21 & 22-ish

2010-12-25T22:25:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Two of my favorite sitcoms and Doctor Who. Don't expect much commentary.

Community: Watching Community. It's being done in Stop-Motion animation.This is one of those shows you should be watching. The episode is a celebration of the Christmas Special. The character of Abed, despite being Muslim, loves the Christmas season and he goes looking for the meaning of Christmas. However, no one else can see it as well. They work off of the Christmas Tropes and use them effectively. If you're like me and watch a lot of Christmas Specials, this is heaven.

Really, I would watch this special. It is a self-aware Christmas Special. It recognizes itself for what it is and embraces it. We need more specials like this.

30 Rock: The 30 Rock Christmas episode from this year is good but it's not as worth gushing over. It does get most of the dysfunction of Christmas with the family but I have Christmas Vacation for that. Liz Lemon rocks. 'nuff said!

Doctor Who: Nothing specific but this may be the most gorgeous episode of the new series and one of the best written. I'm not done yet but still, terrific. Really, it's an episode with elements of Dickens, Christmas, and it's just beautiful. Also, funny and great action. You should be watching Doctor Who. This was only the best episode of the New Series.

Notable Commercials: There's a Musinex commercial where a young phlegm wad is talkingabout everything that Musinex prevents. He's voiced Qubert Fansrworth. Random Observation.

Late Christmas Ideas: Either a TARDIS or some other space/time distillation device. I'd settle for a vortex manipulator really.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 20
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/6th left.
Sanity Rating (1 being solid time, 10 being Wibbledy-Wobbledy, Timey-Wimey.): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 19 & 20

2010-12-25T19:58:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: After the recent insanity, I need to watch something wonderful. I'm watching Scrooged. I need to laugh! It's like the best version of A Christmas Carol from the last few years. It succeeds on so many levels. It is definitely a product of it's time. It should be taught along with the Wall Street in a class on the Eighties in Film in showing the culture of the time. It's also wrothy because by the very nature of the movie, it's important that Frank be aware of th

First off, Bill Murray is an excellent Scrooge. He has the gradual regret change in his attitude towards the season. A trace of the old Frank (the character's name in the movie) but his change of hearts happens naturally. It's common for the change of heart to only come after Scrooge is confronted with his mortality. It should be something already happening at that point. The other strength of this movie is that it's not one ghost after another. We have a gap between them for Frank to start trying to change over his life until the next ghost appears.

Any adaptation of A Christmas Carol succeeds or fails on its ghosts. Our Marley archtype is a creepy introduction to the world but the Ghost of Christmas Past is seedy and screwed up but he's also suitably good at showing introspection. The Ghost of Christmas Present is hilarious. She smacks the sense into you. Really, I love her because she's playful but also caring. She hits you with kindness.The most important is the GHost of Christmas Yet To Come since he has to be scary but also capable of emoting. Just everything of him is creepy but that creepiness it just kinda awesome.

For that matter, Cratchett is split into two roles. On one hand we have Gloria, Frank's assistant. Gloria has some of the little parts like the family and being the mother of our Tiny Tim analogue. She's also made of awesome. We also have Eliot Loudermark who's the one who gets fired. Unlike the original where Bob Cratchett takes everything in stridem Eliot tries for revenge and it adds a great element to the movie. We feel that Frank is in real danger most of the time.

Early Christmas Ideas: Time Travel so I can go and slap myself very time I'm about to say the wrong thing. I have a problem with that and its not something I like doing at all.

Notable Commercials: When did Corocodile Dundee become an American Movie Classic and why is AMC advertising a marathon of the two films for tomorrow. For that matter, when did two movies in a row become a marathon?

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 20
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating (1 being Black Swan's dancing, 10 being Showgirl's "choreography"): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 17 & 18

2010-12-25T18:03:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: These two hours are wildly different. One is one of my favorite shows and one is the most insane things I have seen in my entire life. Yeah...

I obviously love pain. We're watching Maralee Dawn Christmas, a puppet show on the Christian Children's Network. A giant dog is driving a bus and I don't have any booze in me to make this good. Some annoying puppet kids talk to a human woman named Maralee. She talks about a mountain pass. And then a Robot talks to a guy on the bus who can't act on the bus. I.... I don't know know what's happening!!!

Some random girl shows up and is lured into the house to play with the puppets and help decorate the tree. This girl should be scared for her life. Random Girl is a foster kid and the male puppet looks down on her. He gets lectured on it. Foster Girl hugs boy puppet and singing happens. I'm scared for my soul and this thing sleeps in my room!

Anyway, the girl puppet rants about something and everyone is scared for the bus. I don't know what the heck is going on any,ore. Also, the Foster Girl learns to sing, "Jesus Loves me" from the girl puppet. And Marelee isn't even pretending to be a good ventriloquist. Boy puppet has some idea abd suddenly we're in a blue sphere and puppets talk to kids and sing and I don't know. Then boy puppet is washing a toilet with his sister's toothbrush. I don't even pretend to know what's happening.

The Robot somehow sees what videos are being accessed. I want to break that robot. Marelee shows up with Hot Chocolate and Marelee talks about the Christmas story. She doesn't bring up that there are four different versions in the bible. Just saying. We're back to boy puppet, apparently he has a bullfrog teacher or something. I want to drink, there's an echo or something and they know that he's contacting the bus. Then they break into song about Angels doing God's biddings. Huh. Heavy snow starts hitting.

Back on the bus, more bad acting. Back with the little girls, we get a Gospel Elvis Impersonator followed by a song about friendship. I NEED AN ADULT! Foster girl learns that her foster mom cares about her. Her real mom is someplace it's implied I'm guessing jail for stabbing a john.

And now there's an unauthorized Charlie and the Chocolate Factory crossover. The puppet boy looks at Chocolate and can't make up his mind. I blame bad editing. Then we get a clip about a basement and it's being investigated by a mentally challenged puppet. I can't take this much longer WHO WATCHES THIS SHOW? Seriously, I miss Superbook for my children's Christian Television programming from when I was a kid. Anyway, getting the videos back apparently means everyone's alright and they decipher to check low frequency signals. We have some unrehearsed setting of a nativity scene. Foster Girl never heard the story of Christmas and is told to read the book since it's full of great stories. Don't forget about chapters of just genealogy. You need to know all of the children of Bethshaba!

Anyway, the bus shows up and there are real people there now. No one thinks anything of the crazy woman holding some puppets. Maybe they're just polite and wishing the bus had stalled. I don't know really. I just know it's over.

Iron Chef America: Tonight's episode is Paula Deen and Cat Cora vs Tyler Florence and Robert Irvine in Battle Sugar. Obviously it's very slanted in Paula's favor. I find Paula Deen interesting. She can be annoying but she's from from the worst on this show. Also, Tina Fey is a judge on this episode. I love Tina Fey. I would marry Tina Fey or at least hang out with her for awhile. Paula wins and I feel hungry which is not a good thing.

Late Christmas Ideas: Lots of pans for cooking. I want to do some cooking. Also, wouldn't mind having my sanity back. I miss my sanity.

Notable Commercials:So many ads for Clearance events and I really don't care on any of them. Seriously, I don't even remotely care. I mean, Wal-Mart is being really aggressive about it.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 Being Will's normal stupidty and 10 being an advanced form of super-stupidity): 7

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 15 & 16

2010-12-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: I like pain apparently. Why? I'm watching an ABC Family Movie called Holiday in Handcuffs and I want to kill myself two minutes in. Melissa Joan Hart start this movie by saying she's not crazy. Yeah, that's encouraging. She picks up Mario Lopex on the side of the road who calls her the devil. No, she's just a witch. We flashback to her getting ready for her day earlier that day. Her phone rings and her horrible shrew of a mother calls about some get together. I hope she gets burnt at the stake. Horrible Shrew gets naggy about hair, Melissa messes her up so she wears an ugly hair and gets a man into a car wreck.

Yeah, I'm watching this.

Melissa misses her job interview and horrible receptionist has her thrown out. Everyone is varying shades of horrible in this movie, right down to stupid kids at her job. She then goes off on her boyfriend at work who's a crappy guy who wanted to sleep with her. Mario Lopez shows up with a proposal ring and Melissa has the crazy eyes going on as the music of insanity begins. She looks around and uses her dark magic to Avada Kedavra everyone within twenty miles. Actually her mother calls, shrews it up, and Melissa kidnaps Mario Lopez with a gun. Mario's girlfriend shows up an crazy Melissa drags him into her car. Girlfriend has bitch potential. Mario says he'll escape.

Back to the crazy bunch. Mario figures out Melissa gets dumped. They stop for gas and an old man wants to pump his gas. He sees tied up Mario and brings Melissa padded handcuffs. She continues to be some kinda insane. I want to kill myself. I hope they die horribly. I hope this entire thing ends in fiery death for all involved. So, yeah, I'm a little crazy also. Melissa shows up at home and her mom says she has porn star hair. ABC Family, a Perverted Kind of Family. Melissa tells the family that sometimes when Mario gets embarrassed, he yells that he's getting kidnapped. They fall for it because they are stupid beyond all human belief. Dad thinks she might be a lesbian. The girls go off, Dad looks at Mario like he's listing after him. Mario tries to run away. No such luck there since Melissa has all the keys and they're at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. More people show up in the crazy bunch. Melissa is apparently not the only one who is insane in this family. They're all insane and stupid as all hell. Melissa and Mario share bunk beds. I wonder when we hit the point that they get together. Melissa is the Keymaster so she has all the keys and cell phones. Soon Zuul will show up and Gozer will be summoned to this plane of reality. They'll know what it is to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!

Melissa sleeps as Mario plans his thrilling escape. I give him a half hour before he's in love with her. Also, the family isn't suspicious that Mario brought no change of clothing. He runs as Melissa drives to pick him up which is where we started. I might add we had some annoying voice over up to this point. Melissa gets a call from her waitress friend. Mario tries to get to steal her phone but gets grabbed by Shrewish Mom. Mario tries to steal it from her but then she notices the meat tenderizer. Is she going to murder him? No, she murders her phone. Shrewish mom can't find her olive oil so Mario and Gay Daddy go to get it.

Girl talk, boring so we skip to Mario and Gay Daddy. They end up at pervy gas station from earlier and he believes that they're a couple now. All levels of wrong in this movie. So many levels of wrong to this movie. Meanwhile, Grandma shows up and it's Carol Brady. AWESOME! May Carol save the movie. Grandma hits on Mario when he ruins his pants and Mario gets ahold of a phone Let's see how the incredible random happistence happens this time.

Drunken crazy happens as Mario calls his girlfriend. Hes able to tell her he got kidnapped. Mario then decides to be an awesome boyfriend so when everyone find out, they'll be devastated. They're both crazy. Good to know. Gay Daddy hits on Mario some as the worst parents ever try to embarrass Melissa as much as possible. Mario tries to put the angel on the top of the tree as Melissa feels the pangs of homicidal rage.. Everyone seems to love him more. She is probably thinking of burning the cabin to the ground.

Carol Brady talks about acting and Melissa storms off. She's all levels of anti-social nutball here. She voices what we all know and everyone falls in love with Mario. Why do I think the entire family is going to try to jump him by the end of the night. Complaints about Christmas lists as they get drunk. This is going to end in sex. If it doesn't, I'll be surprised. Regardless, they're ending up together. It's a cliche for a reason. They hide the booze. So sex happens.

Yuppy Girlfriend at the police office.She reports a kidnapping. Meh.

Carol Brady is getting nice and drunk Christmas Morning. Mom gives everyone on Earth what they're doing for Christmas including forcing Melissa and Mario to play Ice Hockey. They bond some more since Mario isn't a yuppy by birth or something. I miss when Melissa was being crazy every five seconds. They're both being normal. This is getting boring. Missletoe, the two kiss, ugh.

Yuppy Girlfriend and the police (a great name for a band) show up at the restaurant.

Awkward conversation between Mom and Melissa about sex and marriage. Mario looks at some of Melissa's painting. Apparently he's impressed. I don't know why but I think he's a connoisseur of terrible art. Everyone gets crappy presents. The Parents tell Meslissa she needs to get her head out of the clouds. Mario says she's a good artist and proposes. Really?

Mom can't wait to start planning the wedding. She tells people to get changed. Melissa apologizes about being insane and promises to let him go tomorrow. I hope let go means dump his body in the river. I miss the crazy. She talks to her brother who confesses he broke up with his girlfriend and says he's gay. He keeps the gay tradition of coming out at Christmas. This is why Will doesn't visit his family at Christmas. Carol Brady makes a run for it nearly crashing her car. Everyone's okay.

Yuppy Girlfriend and the Police show up the best friend's place where she's doing dirty things with her boyfriend. She assumedly gives her up.

Melissa walks in on nearly naked Mario. Awkward time, we all know where this goes. Half way through Christmas dinner, the police will come in, just you watch. They skate or something. We head to dinner for confession time. Other Daughter dropped out of Law School and opened a pilates studio. Mom approves, Daddy doesn't. Brother says he's gay. Mom knows. Mothers always do. Dad doesn't. Carol Brady spit takes. Mom complains about her husband and mentions that she fantasizes about Clint Eastwood. Wow. Really. And the police show up. Knew it. Confession tie continues and Carol Brady puts a gun on the cops. Wow. This is all levels of special.

Everyone in the family is in holding. Shrewish Mom is mad, no one presses charges so they're all free to go except Grandma. Sassy Black Cop sees the ring and says, "Girl, hold onto that man." Mario is outside waiting for Melissa. Family is unhappy, etc. Yuppy Girlfriend wishes she was still in jail and the two leave. Melissa and Best Friend talk and eat, she has an arrow through her head or something and Melissa sees the engagement announcement. Mario goes outside and talks to the maid wearing a wedding dress... huh. Anyway, Yuppy Girlfriend continues to be shrill.

Melissa is putting her heart into her crappy paintings and as she talks to her Big Gay Brother, she finds out she got into an art gallery. She meets her Big Gay Brother-In Law. Rest of the family shows except for Grandma. Grandma is presumably rotting in jail. Shrill Mommy and Gay Daddy accept her and Mom advises her daughter to go after him. Then Melissa says he got married.

Melissa leaves the Gallery as Mario kidnaps her. He mentions her faults but then says he loves her. He bought an architecture studio and her ugly art piece. Seriously, I want to vomit. They kiss, I don't care, I miss so many Sabrina The Teenage Witch jokes here and the voice over returns. Also, apparently the ends justify the means so go out and kidnap everyone you love. Also, Grandma is still in jail. Seriously, no resolution there. Grandma is going to rot in prison. Good to know.

Notable Commercials: Why would anyone want to hear Justin Beiber when their phone rings? Also, Beiber Fever sounds dirtyI

Late Christmas Ideas: An Edible Arrangement. I would probably just eat it but it would look pretty for a moment. Oh who am I kidding, I might eat it in the car on the way home from picking it up.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Saw 1, 10 being Saw 3D): 8

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 13 & 14

2010-12-25T13:57:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: I'm eating dinner right now so this is going to less in depth than usual. Anyway, watching the Disney World Holiday Parade. It's hosted by Ryan Seacrest which is better than last year's debacle with Kelly Ripa. Then again, so far Ryan isn't doing some really crappy dancing. Really, this is incredibly unremarkable. Actually a little bit boring. But Kermit and Miss Piggy show up.Then comes the villains float. They spend more than ten seconds on it and it's followed by Vader and the 501st. This just rocks. And as I get excited, we end up with an infomercial for the Disney Cruise Line.

Next up in the Princesses. I do not care for Disney Princesses. Belle is the only one worthwhile really. The rest are mainly passive characters. Not even Mercedes from Glee can save this. She sings an awesome medley of Disney Princess songs and it changes nothing. Also, is it a requirement to be a Disney Channel star that they can market you as anything they want? Just asking since all of them sing and/or have no soul behind their eyes. Santa Claus lectures Ryan Seacrest and says there's a special present for him. I wonder if it's some elevator shoes. He is a short, short man. They close out with a 19-month pregnant Mariah Carey singing.

Notable Commercials: The Charmin toilet paper commercials with the bears have always been a little off. I mean, it's about bears usually getting toilet paper stuck to their fur. However, they were bears that lived in a forest. Now, it's kinda just disturbing that they live in houses. Are they nudists? And they really people? My brain needs an ounce of Bleech.

Later Christmas Ideas: I've never been to a Disney park. I'd live to go just so I can say I've been. I know it's technically against everything I stand for but ehh. It happens.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a clean plate, 10 being backed on insanity): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 11 & 12

2010-12-25T12:03:00.000-05:00

Viewing Throughts: Okay, put dinner in the oven so let's watch some more animated Christmas Specials.

A Charlie Brown Christmas: I love this special. I'll just come out and say it. In fact, I think I say that every year. It's a classic for a reason. It has so much of the pathos of the season but it also has so much of the spirit as well. It's also all done without a single appearance by Santa Claus. In fact, Charles Schultz was able to get away with some very non-secular stuff in it. While some of the later Charlie Brown Christmas stuff will be less than successful, this one will always be a classic.

Operation Secret Santa: Huh. Was expecting one of the Charlie Brown spin-offs. Instead we get a CGI Disney special. Mrs. Claus sends two elves to retrieve an object from Santa's office. It's cute. Not a classic by any stretch of the imagination. Mrs. Claus is voiced by Betty White in all her glory. It's short, sweet, and kinda emotional. Worth tracking down.

Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales: No wait, they were in there. First off, Snoopy skates with Lucy. This is after Schroeder refutes her. I think Schroeder is gay. That would actually be all levels of awesome. Snoopy sits on the corner dressed as Santa. I revise my earlier assessment of this from a few years back. These are cute. Definitely some of the better of the later Peanuts Christmas Specials. Linus is later in Class and the girl behind him decides to changer her name to Jezebel. He points out the biblical Jezebel was evil and she seems kinda flighty. I like these since it's a series of vignettes about the characters.

Batman: The Brave and the Bold: I love this series. It embraces all of the silver age sensibilities of comics. The silver age was silly, fun, and nearly absent of darkness. In this particular episode, Batman Joins forces with an android by the name of The Red Tornado to fight a villain trying to steal the Christmas Spirit. The android is trying to learn about Christmas in the process when aliens from Neptune try to kidnap Santa. Yeah, it's a Santa Claus Conquers the Martians reference. Awesome! Batman is already there and they realize that the Neptunians aren't real. An evil toymaker name Toy Haus is behind it and he tries to kill them. Really, this episode needs to be seen to be realized. Needless to say, it's made of awesome and is also heart breaking in addition to funny and thrilling.

Notable Commercials: I see any of the commercials for the Kinect and think, "Wow that looks silly." I mean, I know the Wii looks silly but you at least never have to flail about like a crazy person. I mean seriously, what the hell?

Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to be in two places at once.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a glass of water, 10 being a bottle of Bawls): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 9 &10

2010-12-25T09:58:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Animation should make me feel better. It doesn't.

A Flintstone Christmas: I seriously don't see how this works. Christ isn't even born yet. What kind of time travel insanity is involved here? Did I miss the part of the Bible where Jesus went back in time to pre-save people? Anyway, this is the one that came out in the 90s. Apparently Pebbles and Bam-Bam got married and are coming home for Christmas. Some kid robs Fred and apparently he's... "cave-less." Seriously! Apparently there's a lot of time travel since the homeless kid was rejected by Ghandi and Judaism as well. There's some conversations about "Charlie Manson-stone" and I start zoneing out since the bad jokes are getting completely freaking insane and Wilma takes in the kid who steals the Rubble's tree.

Wilma's an idiot since she trusts the runaway kid. Fred tells the kid to try to enjoy Christmas and not to ruin it. They go to see Santa who goes a little mad talking about losing his old job. Fred gets decked with a Christmas Tree. I start going insane about these Rock Puns. The kid kidnaps Fred's boss so Fred can be Santa Claus in a parade and my teeth start to rot from the saccharine nature of it all. Fred and Wilma adopt the homeless kid. Two days later everything in their house is missing and the Flintstones are dead in their beds. I may have made up that last bit.

Doesn't care for Orphans.

The Scooby-Doo Show: Ah crap, Scrappy-Doo.The gang (without Velma) is putting together a Christmas pageant for some annoying children including an annoying girl named Tiny Tina. Greedy McSourpants and his talking car show up to buy the orphanage. The madame won't sell so he's probably going to back in a rubber mask later to try to scare them off. The pagent makes no sense since it has Scrooge and a Sugar-Plum fairy. A ghost pops up (The Ghost of Christmas Never if you care) and chases the gang off who then show up dressed as elves to get rid of the ghost. I kinda hope Tiny Tina is just a midget out to rob the orphanage.The gang goes to investigate and after getting a tip from a random French maid, they over here Greedy McSourpants talking about a priceless emerald at the Children's Home.They find a clue saying the Emerald is in the pagent's star. They go to investigate and the Ghost shows up and tries to kill Scooby and Shaggy.

The gang escapes and almost catches the Ghost. Grumpy McSourpants shows up with an order to condemn the house. The convenient French Maid is taking tickets as Grumpy comes to gloat. The gang dresses up for the Nutcracker Suite with Shaggy in Drag. Tiny Tina saves Grumpy's cat, probably leading to him deciding to let them keep the house. The Ghost steals the nutcracker from the tree, it turns out it's the maid, nobody is surprised. Also, the Emerald was hidden between the Nutcracker's legs. Also, predictably Grumpy McSourpants likes kids now and I envy Tina Tina's parents where ever they are.

The Year Without a Santa Claus: I covered this one a few year's back but I still love this one. I love all the Rankin-Bass Christmas Specials but this one is just extra special due to the Miser Brothers and because it's one of the few ones where Mrs. Claus gets her due. Mrs. Claus is probably the Christmas Character who never gets her due. She's always in the background, never a lead character except here. I think Mrs. Claus deserves her own special or movie. Half the time I'm sure she's the brains behind it all.

Notable Commercials: I keep seeing this anti-bullying ad on Cartoon Network. I hate bullying and it's never a funny subject BUT it looks like the bully is about to try to make out with the guy he's calling short. I mean, seriously, it looks like it might be in some kinda movie of a more... triple-X variety.

Late Christmas Ideas: I kinda want something to work out once in awhile.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman, 10 being Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol ): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 7 & 8

2010-12-25T07:56:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Time to watch some Sitcoms. Christmas episodes this year are slim pickings so I apologize now.

Full House: This is from the first season before the Olsen Twins could barely talk. For some reason the Tanners are going to Colorado and Uncle Jesse and Joey, neither are related, are going with them. Also, for some reason, every major character is there also. I wonder why. For that matter, why would anyone schedule a family reunion in Christmas? Anyway, blizzard happens and middle daughter Stephanie is sad since Santa won't find them. Santa wipes his brow since he just dodged a bullet.

Stephanie complains that Santa is not going to find him. Some rude guy complains also but mainly since he can see that the Tanners are annoying as all hell and wants to get away from them. Also, the airline lost the presents. Lots of talk of the Worst Christmas ever happens. Joey dresses up as Santa, this turns out badly with Stephanie finding out who it is and she has a hissy fit. More Worst Christmas Ever talk happens. One of the characters complains she won't get to see her cow. Then we get some, "Christmas isn't about presents, it's about people" talk. Inspirational speeches. People start becoming delusional, and the snowlogged passengers form a ritualistic society and proceed to start cannibalizing each other. Not really but it would be awesome. Make this show much more awesome. Anyway, Santa Claus shows up then disappears after bringing the Tanners their gifts. No one else gets their gifts since Santa only cares about principal actors.


In a better place: Home.

I'll add that Kimmy Gibbler got out of being in this episode. Obviously Santa had pity on someone and her name is Kimmy. Seriously, they had no contrived way to write her into the episode? Half the time I was sure she was the only person who saw through the Tanner's crap.

Roseanne: Roseanne always does a good Christmas episode. Darlene wants to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. Jackie wants to spend Christmas ~~sleeping with~~ spending alone time with her boyfriend. Shelly Winters as Roseanne's Grandma shows up and is just awesome.

We come back as John Goodman and his son are making dinner. The family's lesbian friends show up. John Goodman gets weirded out. Roseanne doesn't take the news well that her daughter Becky is snowed in in Wisconsin and so is she, Jackie, Shelly Winters, and Roseanne's mother. Becky is snowed in at her boyfriend's house which is a very young Johnny Galecki.

I'll be honest, I have no snarky material here nor a deep analysis. Let's just move on to the next thing. It's not bad, it's just too awesome. To make it up to you, here's a picture of John Goodman as Linda Tripp.

"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

The Nanny: Fran Drescher. Yeah. This is what I'm watching. We get a Hanukkah joke. This brings a problem: we're about to watch a show about Christmas and the main character is Jewish. What hilarity will ensue? Will dinner be ham?

After the commercials, the WASPish kids go crazy over improper Christmas Tree etiquette. The kids don't believe in Santa but Fran does. Yeah, apparently being Jewish makes you think Santa can achieve anything. Rich WASP dad is going out of town for Christmas and Fran doesn't approve. They buy a bunch of presents (including a plastic version of Edvard Munch's The Scream) and Fran buys herself something because she's depending on a Christmas bonus to clear the check. Guess who doesn't get a Christmas Bonus?

Fran tries to pawn off her vase, Christmas sentimentality, everyone's happy. I lose my lunch. Oh, and we get another appearance of Santa showing up, giving a gift, then disappearing.

The Yule Log: It's seriously just a maddening fire with a log in the fireplace. That's about it.

Notable Commericals: I don't know what a Zuzu pet is or what makes it so special but I do know I hate them and want them to burn.

Late-Christmas Ideas: Matches... Sorry, fire isn't helping.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being the evening News, 10 being your average episode of Twin Peaks): 7

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 5 & 6

2010-12-25T05:56:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Yeah, we're watching A Christmas Story. This is one of the things I do every year so let's bring it on. It's classic Americana really. I will say after talking about this movie for three years, I am still thinking of things to say. One thing that has always disturbed me is that weird kid in the aviator goggles in the Santa line. He's there for all of a few seconds but the way he just say, "I like Santa" and "I like the Wizard of Oz" makes me think, "This kid is going to become a serial killer." Seriously, he's going to kill Santa Clauses and dress them up as Wizard of Oz characters.

Really, what works for this movie is the episodic nature of it. It's really a series of events rather than a single plot driven movie. That's what the Christmas season is. It's a series of memories and thoughts as opposed to a single thing that happens and it's different things to different people. That's what makes it work as well as it does really.

Also, for a movie made in the 80s, the Engrish in the Chinese restaurant is rather annoying. Just saying.

I dunno, I really am running out of things to say about this movie. Go read the previous articles on it then.

Notable Commercials: There was a Western Union commercial with Pedobear. Seriously. I wish I could make this stuff up.

Late-Christmas Ideas: Footie pajamas if for no other reason than you know I would take pictures you could then make fun of me for.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a knife, 10 being a bent serving spoon): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 3 & 4

2010-12-25T04:08:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Let's mix it up a bit with some food stuff and music videos.

Martha Stewart's Holiday Cookies: Martha Stewart is cooking cookies. I'm watching food porn. It happens. Martha's cooking with her mother, proving that she is not born from a jackal. I think this is the closest you'll ever see to family dysfunction on this show. Martha at one point throws flour at the board in front of her mother with a look on her face akin to hatred.

Really, there's something to Martha interacting with other people. When she's by herself, she talks to the camera and looks at it. When she's with other people, she looks at her cooking but almost never at the other person. Seriously, they're just kinda there. The only one Martha really pays attention to or seems to care about is her mother and there's this aura of contempt around her. Still, Martha is a professional. She knows what she's doing. It's why things like the SNL sketch "Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special" work. Her seriousness is a good contrast for something so absurd.

VH-1 Classic Presents Christmas Videos: I'll be frank, I don't recognize half these songs. This might just be a comment on the local Christmas song station we have on at work. They play the same things constantly and it's freaking annoying. Some of these are good also. It's kinda sad to tell you the truth. There's a variety of music out there and they just play cover after cover of "Baby It's Cold Outside."

They had the music video for "Where Are You Christmas" the song from the Grinch movie. Yeah, there was a movie that was so much unnecessary. They show clips from it and I find myself thinking, "I remember when they did this." I also totally tells you everything you need to know about the movie and more so you never have to see it. That's a Christmas gift!

Notable Commercials: They keep showing a commercial on the Cooking Channel for the vacuum seal thing to store your clothes. I refuse to believe that anyone can be that happy about packing their clothing up in a plastic bag. Besides, it makes it easier for the thieves to steal all of your stuff.

Late-Christmas Ideas: A Christmas song that is part of the season but doesn't make you roll your eyes when you hear it. In other words, don't try to shame us into the spirit or use emotional blackmail. Just trust us to think, "I love Christmas." Also, try not to be annoying to people in retail since all of us will hear this song like ten times a day.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a sugar cookie, 10 being nuttier than thumbprint): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 1 & 2

2010-12-25T02:00:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: A Miracle of 34th St. is probably my favorite classic Christmas movie. I'm watching it in Glorious Black & White. I remember them doing a colorized version a few years back. I hate colorized versions of movies. It's rare that they feel like they were even making an effort. I think the reason I love this movie is that it's not pretending to be anything other than a story about Santa Claus. I like that back in the 40s, there were already people noticing the commercialization of Christmas beginning. We never get a real explanation for why Santa Claus is wandering around New York but, hey, it works. The closest we get is St. Nick's thoughts on the spirit of Christmas getting lost in the shuffle. There is stuff about him living in an old age home but meh. Doesn't change things. Maybe the elves work all year there while he lives in America or something, I dunno. Does it matter? Edmund Gwenn is just a remarkable Kris Kringle. He looks the part and just rocks the part. I would not be surprised if he was, in fact, Santa Claus.

Natalie Wood as Susan rocks in this movie. I don't know why I love the idea of a little girl who is so freaking jaded that the idea of anything fantastic is insane to her. However, she's still innocent. She's the product of her life. Her mother is divorced and has let her own jadedness leak down the food chain. The scene where she sees Santa talking in Dutch is just wonderful because you see her sense of wonder start to bleed through. The scene where Santa and Susan are talking about imagination makes me sad for when I was a kid. I think this is why I game, it's a way to keep myself feeling like a kid again. Overall, just the way that her shell cracks as the film goes on just shows what a remarkable actress she was at the age. Considering what happened to Wood, I just made myself sad.

I love the supporting in this cast as well. It starts with the Drunken Santa at the beginning. There's something about him that I think is just splendid. He's in the film for all of 3 minutes but he's just hilarious. Along the same lines, Sawyer, the store psychologist, is the closest thing this film has to an antagonist. I love him because I can hate him so easily. Most movies need at least one person that the audience can hate and he fills the role just perfectly and gets what he deserves. The Judge in the film also blends being a serious character while also being a little sentimental. You can see that he's just doing his job. Mr. Macy has just the right amount of scum and whimsy to his role. He's an honest man but also a business man so he's not afraid to make some threats here and there.

While I'm thinking about, let's talk about the remake. The remake sucks. Simple as that. I think the biggest problem is that they couldn't even use Macy's. Just making up some other store alone, I dunno, makes the movie lose something. I mean, the original is a shameless commercial for Macy's but having Gimbels in it also balances things out. I also have a slight problem with the fact that the movie adds a seriousness to the matter. There's none of the frivolity of the original. For that matter, Susan's change from wanting a house to wanting a dad is kinda a step backwards. I dunno, the mom in the original was an independent woman years before Mary Tyler Moore. She's made honest, or at least the hint is there, in the original. In the remake, nopers. Susan thinks that's the only way to make her happy and Santa Claus works as a matchmaker. One other thing is that the original had faith in things as a very underlying theme. Outside of one speech, it's never brought to the forefront because it doesn't have to be. In the remake, nope, let's drop an anvil on it, bludgeon you to death with it.

I love this film. It's the perfect Christmas film. It had a childlike wonder but doesn't pander to the audience. It doesn't pretend to be any more adult than it actually is, it's just trying to be the perfect holiday film and not even trying really. It was originally released in may and Fox tried to keep it on the downlow that it was a Christmas film for that matter. It's a great film and one I love every year. There's just something about it's innocence and joy that I love. It makes me feel like a kid again and that's rare for me anymore.

Notable Commercials: There's this commercial for the Wii and Netflix where they make fun of Mary Poppins only with a dapper man. They sing a song about imagination. I kinda love it for some weird reason.

Late-Christmas Ideas: I would love a beard trimmer so I can get my beard to look as awesome as Edmund Gwenn's does in this movie.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 Being Santa Claus, 10 being Nutball Psychologist in this movie): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2010: Prelude

2010-12-24T16:53:00.001-05:00

Okay, as many of you know, it is my annual tradition to spend the holiday from 12:00AM December 25th to 12:00AM December 26th watch the various Christmas related stuff on the TV. I am not allowed any DVDs except for one at the end of the evening and I will go to the DVR as little as possible. From what I have learned in the past, this will probably involve me watching some tepid Christmas Specials, a couple of true classics, useless Disney Channel celebrities on the Walt Disney Christmas Day parade, at least one sanity break Lifetime Television movie, and capping it all off with National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This year's beginning arsenal is:

One 24-Pack of Mountain Dew
4 Cans of Amp Energy Drink
1 Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie
My Wally World Santa Hat

First entry will go up at 2 AM this morning with a new one going up every hour or two after that. Depends on the programming block I have. See you all then.

The Disney Experiment: Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs

2010-09-16T00:18:00.000-04:00

It's time for the tale of the Fairest of Them All.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Trailer 1937 | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

The Synopsis: We start with the opening titles and they go on for awhile. There's an orchestrational backing it it but it looks like some of the opening to the Disney shorts of the time. But soon we're at the white story book with a quick summing up of the story. Basically, the evil queen is jealous of Snow White, forces her to be a maid, and she talks to her mirror a lot.

The first animated shot in the film is The Queen walking up to the mirror and it's all levels of creepy. Flames are conjured and we have a hanging face is the fogs. It tells her that Snow White is hotter. Queeny is all, “Bitch!”

Next we meet Snow White. She's washing the steps, singing. Such an iconic part of the Disney princess and all thanks to this. Imagine if Snow White had been a clog dancer. Snow White sings to her wishing well and a random prince hears her. Yeah, we're not going to be getting much more characterization from him. Snow White does what any smart person does and runs. He sings to her as she hides and she falls for him. The Queen watches and she goes off to start her murder plans. Snow White is enamored and we don't see the Prince again for awhile. Like until the movie is over. Weak.

The Queen orders her huntsmen to kill Snow White and gives him a box for Snow's Heart. God this woman is charming. I mean, some people collect cards, bottlecaps, but hearts? Seriously, stealing someone's heart is just an expression.

Snow gets dressed up as the huntsman takes her to pick flowers. Snow enchants him by talking to a bird. It seems adorable but the animals are telling her to shoot terrorize people in San Fransisco. The Huntsman almost kills her but he stops because he can't and he tells Snow to run and her step-mom wants her dead.. Someone is losing her 401k.

The next scene was frightening for me as a kid. Snow White runs through a forest and the thing comes alive to kill her. At least it looks like it. Faces, eyes, she begins her descent into madness. She falls down, crying as she starts to go insane and then the animals show up. A rabbit smells her to see if she's dead so it can get a good meal but it turns out she's alive. She starts talking to the animals about being afraid and starts singing again. I swear, no one should sing this much. There should be laws against this. Regardless, all the herbivores of the forest come running to hear. She then manipulates the animals into finding her a house. Seriously, she says, “I can't sleep out here. Can any of you find me a place to stay?” I would have laughed if they led her back to the castle.

Snow sees a little house, obviously no one is home. She knocks anyway for plausible deniability. The animals follow her inside, little knowing that they're going to be lured into a stew pot a few hours later. Snow figured little kids live here and it's filthy. She goes into cleaning mode when she realizes that the kids living alone in the middle of the woods have no mom. Actually, Snow doesn't clean. She starts singing and commanding the animals to clean. Seriously, Snow White is one manipulative bitch. The Queen was right to have her killed. It was only a matter of time before Snow, realizing that she should be in charge, incited a rebellion. Regardless, she sings as the animals do her bidding. Watch this scene. She only sings and the animals do all the work. I'd be suing for fair wages.

Next we meet the so called kids. They're actually short men who sing about mining. We get an idea of the characteristics of some of the Dwarfs. Doc is a workaholic, Grumpy is grumpy, Dopey might be mentally challenged, etc. They sing as Snow White finally decides to check upstairs. She finds the rotting body of the children's last mother and she realizes the horrors in store for her. Not quite. Actually, we get the names of the Dwarfs and Snow White got to bed in their room and the animals, still there, do the same. They're smart and run when they hear the dwarfs coming up before they get busted for breaking and entering. If Snow goes to jail, all the better. She can't force them to work anymore then. The dwarfs get suspicious and they get ready to kill whatever is ruining their bachelor pad. The animals watch, hoping to see when Snow gets her own. Turns out Snow is also neglegent since she left a fire burning with food as she went to bed. Grumpy is paranoid and sure that someone is out to get them. The birds pick up on this and decide to screw with the dwarfs. They want to make sure Snow gets a pickaxe through her head. We learn that the dwarfs also have no respect for Dopey and they send him up as the first possible victim.

Dopey goes into the room and sees Snow twisting around. Apparently she turns a lot in her sleep or she trying to kill a goose or something. Not sure. Dopey does what any sane person does and runs. The Dwarfs then pretend that they don't see Dopey and try to beat him up. They decide that since the “monster” is asleep, now is the time to kill it. The animals smile knowingly to one another, they're task soon complete. The dwarfs go in for the killing blow but realize it's a girl. Most of the dwarfs are immediately enamored except Grumpy. He's still all for the murder plan. Snow wakes up, is shocked for a moment, and realizes that she has midgets on her hand and she plays a childish guessing game and figures out who each of the dwarfs are. This bring me to an interesting thought.

Obviously the dwarfs started to live together at some point and they're obviously not magic. So, how does a group of men stricken with a medical condition come to live together and be ruled by a single emotion each? This is a predicament and a crappy one at that. Were they all abandoned as children and now they mine in solitude, only going into civilization to sell their goods? Also, why am I suspicious of Happy? Then again, Dopey, Doc, and Grumpy are the only ones that get any real development so let's just move on.

Snow guesses who everyone is, making fun of them as she goes. Grumpy continues to be hateful, pushing Doc to do things. Now for a paradox. Everyone knows that Snow White is the princess so why does no one care that the Queen has made her a slave? It must just be a terrible place to live then. The Dwarfs know The Queen is an evil witch, we learn. So, why does no one call in The Inquisition to burn her alive? Why let her continue to consort with evil? This is a crapsack world Snow White lives in.

Snow offers to become the slave of The Dwarfs in exchange for shelter. All but Grumpy are happy that she can cook. She also finally remembers that pot on the stove and goes to check it. The Dwarfs are ecstatic and are almost ready to eat when Snow tells them to wash before eating. This being the middle ages, this idea makes no sense and Snow forces them to wash before eating. She does quite realize that she's promised to become an indentured servant but thankfully the dwarfs haven't either. Grumpy is the only one to keep his independence. I like him. I hope he survives. Snow is probably already thinking of singing a tiger into eating her.

The Dwarfs sing about cleaning themselves. Actually, it's more lazy Rex Harrison talk-singing. Regardless, Grumpy tries to get his friends to retain their masculinity but they want food dammit and, in a scene reminiscent of “Deliverance,” The other six Dwarfs forcibly wash Grumpy against his will. Yeah, Snow has them in her power already. Doppy meanwhile swallows some soap and starts hiccuping soap bubbles. The Dwarfs have decided that Grumpy is the girl of their group.

Back to The Queen. She holds her fake heart in a box and asks her mirror if she's now the most bodacious babe in the land. She doesn't realize that in the latest ranking, she's now number 5 in the Kingdom hot list. Zelda Zurgenstern better beware. She also learns she was tricked and she only has a pigs heart. She already has five of those so she heads down to her lair to cast some spell to make herself look like a peddler. She takes a drink of her potion and we have nightmare fuel as she changes. She's now a crone and ready to make a poison apple. This is so much better than Smokey Mountain Christmas.

Oblivious to all this, the Dwarfs decide to sing and dance some. This scene is rather insignificant other than showing that Grumpy has begrudgingly converted to the adulation of Snow White. It also establishes that Snow is still waiting on this Prince that she saw in ONE scene. Seriously. It's kinda sad. Of all of the Disney princes, he probably has the least amount of characterization. For that matter, he has no name. Quite frankly, if not for him happening by, The Dwarfs would have had a sleeping corpse on their hands and it would have been a little creepy. We also get the most famous song from this movie, “Some Day My Prince Will Come.” Most of The Dwarfs find themselves watching with much adoration. Snow White pushes all of the Dwarfs to bed and they decide to sleep on the floor and let Snow have all of the beds despite only needing three earlier. Grumpy is ready to murder someone so he can have his bed. Dopey is just happy to have a feather to himself. Snow prays to God that Grumpy will like her. He laughs at this and goes to sleep in a pot. I wish I had a joke for that, I really do.

Queenie is making her poison apple. The sludgy mess makes a skull and turns the apple red. The Queen is very happy with herself and checks for an antidote to the apple. It's true love's first kiss. Good thing Snow wasn't easy. The Queen figures Snow will be buried alive and goes off to kill Snow White. Along the way she kicks a skeleton that was reaching for a pitcher of water. Seriously people, Nightmare Fuel, High Octane.

Doc warns Snow about strangers. Snow kisses the Dwarfs as they leave to toil in the gem mines. Doc gets ready for a huge smooch but Snow isn't watching. He also warns her not to let anyone in showing his conversion is complete. Snow is now happy to learn that her brainwash stew is potently strong to break the greatest wills.

The Queen goes over her scheme for the fortieth time as Snow starts to make a pie. She sings, forcing the animals to help her bake. Grumpy's name is inscribed on the pie, making me believe that Grumpy should have been the one that Snow ended up with. That's it, I'm going to start Snow White/Grumpy shipping. Oh god, I have to google to see if anyone else is with me on this. After a quick check, I'm pretty sure this entry will be the only hit for “snow white/grumpy fanshipping” Yeah, this isn't going to come back to haunt me at all...

Anyway, The Queen appears, looking like she's about to guest on To Catch a Predator. Snow White catches the idiot ball and tries to take the apple. Not happy with letting just anyone kill Snow White, the birds attempt to peck out The Queen's eyes. Realizing that Snow's momentary idiocy isn't going to cure itself, the animals harass the Dwarfs until they realize they should just go home. They better hurry because Snow has become stupid enough to think some random old woman has a wishing apple. They Dwarfs figure this out and race back. Snow White realizes she has something to wish for, wishing that Grumpy would take her as his bride, to the mythic Dwarf castle, and chops down on some apple. The Witch cackles, realizing she'll become the new fairest, Zelda Zurgenstern has a sudden chill down her spine, and it starts to rain. The Dwarfs take chase, ready to lynch The Queen, none of them check on Snow in the process. For all they knew, this was just some random begger woman. The Queen tries to send a boulder down on the Dwarfs but God kills her instead and she falls. Seriously, lightning strikes her down, throws her back, and BAMM!, dead. We have out first Disney death as two buzzards go to eat The Queen Corpse.

The Dwarfs take the time to quickly make a new bed just so Snow's corpse isn't rotting in one of theirs and they all cry. Unluckily, Grumpy doesn't know to kiss her. The animals are also sad, mostly because they didn’t get to kill and devour Snow's body. The kingdom probably realized they have no immediate successor and a bloody period of turmoil began and in the civil unrest, some new person came to power.

The Text tells us that Snow wasn't buried and the Dwarfs made her a glass and gold coffin and we have a plothole. Apparently the curse on the apple also made Snow capable of holding her breath for all eternity and no longer need to eat until she got awoken. Only explanation why she doesn't die or start to experience atrophy. Well, that or The Dwarfs have been feeding her and gave her air holes. In that case, that's just dumb.

The animals have been bringing Snow flowers along with The Dwarfs. They pray to her corpse as The Prince shows up. Yeah, the useless, useless Prince. He then totally makes out with the supposedly dead Snow White. So, The Prince is a necrophiliac? Doesn't matter because Snow is awake. Turns out it was any kiss that would wake her up. She settles on royalty rather than love and The Prince takes her away. To a castle in the sky. Wait...

Okay, new theory. Snow White died and is being taken to heaven by her dream prince. Her ghost says goodbye to her loyal worshipers and she lives happily ever after watching her step-mother roast in hell. Only real explanation. Yeah. Snow White is now instantly more grim and dark.

The Review: So, that's Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. It's a great freshman effort. The animation is expressive. It does feel flat at times on the more human characters but the dwarfs and the crone form of the Queen are just beautiful. It may come from this being the animators first big experience with drawing realistic people and I know they adapt down the line. That all said, the facial expression on the Dwarfs is just phenomenal. While each has a primary attribute, you can figure out which is which quickly. Then there's the backgrounds. While I joke about the castle in the sky earlier, it really is majestic. Then the castle catacombs where The Queen makes her lair evokes such feeling in it. Then there's that transformation sequence. It scared me as a kid and for good reason.

Music wise, the incidental music is just classic here. While there are times it feels like there are too many songs, I also realize that that is part of the charm. I mean, Snow White isn't defined by her songs. They're how she gets across many of her little things. While some of the songs are mostly forgettable, the ones that are still around deserve their status as standards.

The story is simple but then it is based off a classic fairy tale. There are characters who suffer from a lack of characterization. The Queen is the first of the Disney Villains. She is far from the greatest but she does a great job. She is menacing and just a cruel and evil woman. One of the common threads in my opinion is that the women among the Disney Villains are some of the best but we'll see about that before long. However, while Dopey, Doc, and Grumpy are all strong characters, The Prince, other four dwarfs, and Snow White herself are all kinda bland. Snow White is just basic white bread. She has hopes and dreams and is as pure as snow. Of the Princesses, she is definitely the lest interesting. The Prince is a bit part. The love interest should be involved in the story. He should have to work for it. For me, that is unforgivable.

The Voice Acting is going to be the key to any animated film and everyone smashed it out of the park. No one seemed out of place and, if anything, everyone matches perfectly. The Queen is the best example of this. She does both this vamp of a woman, beautiful voice and then an old crone, evil and vile. Grumpy as well, you can hear the change in his tone as the movie goes on. You can feel him soften towards Snow White. For that matter, Snow White always seems to be a genuinely good person. Her voice echoes her purity and it's what saves her as a character for me.

Scores

Art: 8

Music: 8

Story: 7

Voice Acting: 9

OVERALL: 8

The Disney Experiment: Prelude

2010-09-15T15:59:00.000-04:00

So, I want to start blogging again and all so here is what I'm planning on doing. I am going to watch each of the Disney animated films one at a time and do a review of it, usually in a very informal method but then was anyone expecting something formal? If you've read any of the other Experiments, you know what's coming except no marathon editions since I doubt even I could survive 24 hours of Disney.

As for why I'm doing this, it's simple. I love traditional hand-drawn animation. I mean, I have loved cartoons my entire life and they're one of the few things that still give me the same level of enjoyment as I grew older. It's also partially why I love comic books as much as I do. Anyway, I always remembered the Disney films being some of the best put together ones, even the Saturday morning stuff. So, for me, this is partially about going back to my youth and reveling in the pure skill of hand-drawn animation.

Also going to say right now, definitely not reviewing any of the CGI Disney films. I love them but they just don't do it for me quite as much. For that matter, I will probably skip the straight to DVD films as well. Very few of them were anything other than a cash grab. However, I am going to be looking at the live-action films that featured some heavy animation in it like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Mary Poppins, and, of course, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I am also going to go in chronological order as much as I can as well. It won't be possible always but I'll go back and cover what skipped. I only plan on skipping the films that Netflix doesn't currently have available and my other means have dried up on. Thankfully, my first major hiccup, Fantasia, gets rereleased in a few months so I'll be getting to that one soon enough. So, let the good times roll as I bring you Snow White and the Seven Dwarves tomorrow.

2009 In Review: The Music

2010-01-03T09:56:00.001-05:00

In what is hopefully a series of pots if I can put my mind into it, I want to look at my 2009. Let's start with the music. 2009 was the year Will got an iPod and stopped having to buy and use burnable CDs. I've discovered some artists that I really enjoy and outgrown some music I once clung to. It's been an interesting year of rock and pop, Gaga and musicals. What will 2010 bring? I dunno, do I look psychic?

Now for the 25 most played songs in my iTunes play list for the year. Why 25? I dunno, because.

1.(Tie) I Don't Care performed by Apocalyptica 35 Plays (I love the use of rock and cello together.)
2. All The Strange, Strange Creatures composed by Murray Head 35 Plays (So much of the epicness of Doctor Who is shown by this track.
3. I Need a Miracle (Sunflake Remix) performed by KLM Music featuring Coco Star 34 Plays (Dance music is repetive, I'll be the first to admit that but it's still got a great beat to it.)
4. The Rueful Fate of Donna Noble composed by Murray Head 34 Plays (A very sad song, inspired by one of my favorite fictional character. I have plans for this in the future.)
5. All Along The Watchtower performed by BT4 32 Plays (How awesome is it when the entire mythology arc of your sci-fi drama revolves around a Bob Dylan song? Yet another reason Battlestar Galactica will be missed in 2010.)
6. The Greatest Show Unearthed performed by Creature Feature 32 Plays (A macabre song, twisted yet it has a distinct charm to it.)
7. The End performed by Groove Coverage 31 Plays (More Techno but the singer is talented and the beat and lyrics resonate.)
8. Zydrate Anatomy performed by Terrance Zdunich, Alexa Vega & Paris Hilton 31 Plays (A catchy, tasty song from Repo The Genetic Opera, perverse and enticing, quite like the title drug, Zydrate.)
9. We Are W.I.T.C.H. performed by Marion Raven 30 Plays (The title song to a somewhat forgettable Disney Cartoon is rather infectious, beautiful, and memorable.)
10. This is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our Home Composed by Murray Head 30 Plays (A song that hints at a greatness, a legacy.)
11. A Dazzling End composed by Murray Head 30 Plays (Just as it's companion piece, The Ruful Fate of Donna Noble hints a tragic end, this piece hints at one that is filled with hope and greatness.)
12. Valentine's Day performed by Linkin Park 29 Plays (I really don't know what it is about this song that gets me but there's just something there.)
13. Doomsday composed by Murray Head 29 Plays ( A Song of loss. Mournful but beautiful. An elegy for what could have been.)
14. I'm Coming to Get You composed by Murray Head 29 Plays (Going to cut down on Doctor Who music in 2010, I swear. Still, such a song of wonder.)
15. The Dark and Endless Dalek Night Composed by Murray Head 29 Plays (And a song of fear. Nothing like Latin chanting to incite fear.)
16. Welcome to the Black Parade performed by My Chemical Romance 29 Plays (A song about the acceptance of death, still joyous rather than mournful.)
17. Any Other Name composed by Thomas Newman 29 Plays (Tragic and hopeful at once, a life passing by. One of my favorite pieces from one of my favorite movies, possibly even favorite.)
18. Let's Go To The Mall performed by Cobie Smulders as Robin Sparkles 29 Plays (A fun tribute to the eighties.)
19. Planet Schmanet, Janet performed by Tim Curry 29 Plays(Okay, of all the songs in Rocky Horror, no clue why this is here. Seriously, I don't get it.)
20. Freedom Fighters composed by Two Steps From Hell 29 Plays (Trailer music at it's best.)
21. Slayer's Elegy composed by Christophe Beck 28 Plays (Tragedy, mass death, that seems to be a recurring element in the music I listen to.)
22. Kingdom Hearts performed by Czech Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra & Kuehn’s Mixed Choir 28 Plays (Capturing some of my favorite music from one of my favorite games, truly something to be heard.)
23. Everything You Ever performed by Neil Patrick Harris 28 Plays (Spoilers for Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Belong in the link. The Emotional high point of the musical and last act. God I love Whedon.)
24. Doctor Who Series 4 Opening Credits 27 Plays (This is my ringtone.)
25. Mary Jane/Mary Lane performed by the Cast of Reefer Madness 25 Plays (There's just something about this song, a lave song in the middle of a satire, that I love.)

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 23 & 24

2009-12-25T23:50:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: I'm cheating. I popped National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation into the dvd player because I wanted to end tonight on a good night. To tell you the truth, of my four favorite holiday films, only one did I not watch today. This is still one of my favorites for the simple reason that it's all about one man's near single-minded drive for the perfect Christmas. There is no such things as the perfect Christmas. Many people hate it. I love Christmas myself, I just don't want to spend it with most of my family. There are a few family members I could spend it with but, over all, I want to have a great Christmas someday. I want to find some great guy, settle down, adopt a couple of kids possibly, and feel a little better about spending the holidays with the family.

There's a scene in Christmas Vacation where Clark sits in the attic watching home movies. This is what I'm trying to capture today: a sense of Nostalgia. At least half the things I watched today were things from my youth. I needed them to feel better. I'm at a point in my life where I'm unsure about the future so I prefer to look at the past to live with my present. Blogging makes my thoughts clearer. It makes me more likely to know what I'm going to do with my life so I can reflect on this all. I'm also able to tell the babble and say funny things on occasion. I wish life had more jokes. Then I'd have a reason to do something. I dunno, I got nothing.

The final reason I'm watching this movie is to pay tribute to a great man, John Hughes. While I didn't grow up as a teen in the eighties, I did watch his movies when I became one. They helped me form how I look at the world, Breakfast Club actually influencing the way I try to relate to people (forget the stereotypes, we're all people.) John Hushes has had a huge impact on me as a writer and a person and this is my way of coming to terms with his death. Mr. Hughes, you will be missed.

Merry Christmas, I'm going to take a shower then pass out for a long while. See you next week.

Late Christmas Ideas: A nice, long sleep. Wait, I get to give that to myself in about an hour. Fine, I'm still waiting on those moose goblets I asked for two years ago. I would so use them.

Final Tally:
Moutain Dews Consumed: 4
Amps Consumed: 1
Cups of Coffee: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being going to bed in a minute, 10 going downstairs and playing a video game) : 5

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 21 & 22

2009-12-25T22:00:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: So, Will is going to watch Undercover Christmas on Lifetime. Joy. Laughter. Children running in the streets at Rush Hour. We open on a waitress at some Christmas Themed Hooters bar. Apparently there's a market for this sort of thing. This being Lifetime (Television For Women) the waitress start out kinda selfish and becomes a woman scorned when her boyfriend refuses to take her home to Mom and Dad. As the waitress leaves, an FBI agent approaches her about the boyfriend being a con artist. We finally have a name for the waitress, Brandy O'Neil. The FBI agent's mom, played by Tyne Daly, sees him on tv, calls him and we get hammered home that Brandy and the workaholic FBI agent are going to end up together. Brandy, Jersey dame, gets put into witness protection with the FBI agent. In case you didn't already know, FBI man loves his work and his name is Jake. Brandy, being on Lifetime, is empowered by her desire to live it up rich and skanky. Jake's dad has a heart attack so they end up hiding out there. Anyone else see that coming? Anyone?

Brandy and mom hit if off with mom being revealed to be an alcoholic of the comical kind. Mom faked the heart attack to get her son home and then she uses emotional blackmail to keep them there. This is already better than A Smoky Mountain Christmas. Mom think they're sleeping together so insists on the two sharing a room. Seriously, this is already so much better. After leaving them, Mom wakes up her daughter to tell her that Brandy is a predator. Did I miss a crossover?

So, Brandy and Jake bond as Will once again realized he's reviewing something he falls out of the Target Audience for. Brandy has been getting cross-examined by the family who are all made out of solid ice. That's at least what it seems like to me. They seem to be very career driven and why do I feel like having Brandy around is going to thaw them out. Nice Ashley is the first to connect, confessing a crush. Daughter and Mom connect and talk about Brandy only wanting money etc. This being Lifetime, we now get the speech about empowerment. Brandy has been alone since 15 and apprently was a runaway.I figured out the problem with the family: They're WASPs and Brandy is now just messing with them at this point. She hits on Jake, they talk some more and Mom and Brandy connect thought baking and make-overs.

At this point, I want to make up an ending for the movie. The mob shows up to the big party. They kill all the guests. Will gets to watch something else. Unluckily, this is not to be. A pity. Instead, we get a rather predictable formula.Yuppies meet.Brandy is wearing an... interesting dress. I don't know what to think of it except that she should be trying to drink the blood of the guests. Ooooh, Christmas Vampires. They suck your blood under the mistletoe. Anyway, turns out the mob boyfriend's lawyer is at the party and tells the father. We have a big confrontation scene and Dad wants Jake and Brandy out of the house. Instead, they are to stay for Christmas. Mom and Dad argue and Mom says she doesn't love him. Being a WASP he shows on emotion. Maybe there are Christmas Vampires here. Oooh, now I get to go to my better movie world.

So, Jake and Brandy fight, the Niece yells that Jake messed it all up, and Jake admits to being in love with Brandy. This being Lifetime and no true life sticker being put on it, this is believable. Instead, we have women blaming their mothers, ugly phones, and no Christmas Vampires. Seriously, the only way to kill them is with symbols of the holidays. They're allied with the Hanukkah Zombies and the mortal enemies of the Easter Werewolves. It'll be awesome.

It's Christmas morning. These beings WASPS, they get happy about relaxation pillows, drink coffee, and think that Christmas Sweaters are a good gift. I dunno. The ugly sweater with bells on it are kinda awesome in the one point where I laugh. Brandy puts on the sweater and exchanges one of her gifts for one. She then shakes her... talent... at Jake.

They start to leave and argue. Jake goes back to apologize for his mother. Dad is still being a Grinch regardless. Brandy wishes everyone a Happy New Year. She and Jake leave and the Christmas Vampires eat the entire WASP family. I'm just kidding. They just wave back. I'm waiting for the scene in a minute where Brandy gets kidnapped or Jake get kidnapped. It's coming any second now. Unluckily, it's not soon enough. Figures. Instead, first we get a scene between Brandy and her phone mom that is borderline stupid. She gets her Hotel room, Jake gets a separate one, the Christmas Vampires are down the hallway, and Brandy, being an idiot, just opens the door when the evil boyfriend shows up with gifts.

Evil Boyfriend tries to bribe Brandy. Brandy has been changed by the family and become straight edge and loves the new family Jake introduced her to. The guy is also wearing a Blue Leather Jacket. Ewww. Jake and Brandy talk, it's kinda stupid so I'm going to make up a different scene. The Christmas Vampires fight the mob Then the St. Partick's Day Demons and the Thanksgiving Brownies fight them with the help of the Fourth of July Cyborgs. Point is that Brandy is torn, unluckily not apart but emotionally. However, this is Lifetime SO, the family shows up, there's some fakey tension as to whether or not Brandy is going to testify (she does), and Brandy, Jake, and his family all get together and she takes Jake to meet her family: The Grand Court of Christmas Vampires. (I might have been making up that last part.)

Notable Commercials and Late Christmas Ideas: I miss Lego. There was a Lego commercial and I got to say, I want to buy some Legos just so I can build something. I kinda want to go out and buy one of those huge Lego sets just to build it.

The Tally
Number of Time Christmas Vampires could have saved this movie: 14
Mountain Dews Left: 8
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 most guys, 10 being someone who can get surprised by the twists in a Lifetime Movie.): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 19 & 20

2009-12-25T19:58:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: This post might run short so since I might take some time out to watch The Doctor Who Christmas special and my particular reviewing style doesn't allow me to become completely engrossed like I will with the Doctor.

There are some good Rankin-Bass specials. Santa Claus is Coming to Town isn't quite one of them. It is by no means terribble, but it just isn't good enough to be part of the yearly rotation. It's basicall Santa Claus's secret origin as told by a mail man. It does have Fred Astaire as the mail man who provides our framing story. There's even a bit of awesome continuity with Mickey Rooney as the voice of Santa Claus as in The Year Without Santa Claus. Anyway, it beings with an evil German being responsible for all of troubles of a town. Animals rescue baby Santa and they drop him off with an elf named Dingle Kringle. I wish I could make this up. His nearly identical brothers show up. They all have squeaky voices that make me want stick rusty nails in my ears.

Like all origin stories of mythological figures, this one runs into some problems, namely adding extra characters with no use.In this case, we got the Kringles, the Evil German, and the Winter Warlock. Then we have, "How did they get his costume?" In this case, once he's older, Kris gets given the costume and some stupid kid says, "That's how he got the red suit."

One of the problems with this one is that the animation is even more stilted than usual. Some of the mouths barely move, The kids who are supposed to be sad just look dead eyed. Actually, no one shows all that much emotion. That is the problem with stop motion animation. The faces, if not done well, don't show much emotion. When done right though, it rocks. Anyway, the Evil German outlaws toys, Kris gets run out of town and the Winter Warlock gets thawed out by getting a toy. It's kinda sentimental but not really at the same time. He gets a song and seems to be the only good figure in the special. Anyway, apparently Santa gives gifts at night to escape the evil German's forces and he goes in through the chimney because all the doors would be locked. Yeah, I don't much get it either. Kringle gets captured. Evil German burns the toys in front the children and this has somehow become a Nazi metaphor. So, the Kringles all escape with magic feed corn.

Yeah... I can't continue. This is terrible. Kids pipe in annoyingly for the rest, the evil German is defeated by old age. Seriously, we get little resolution outside of Santa just outlives the Evil German. I'm just sick of this special and let's watch something worse to dull the pain.

Doctor Who: Holy Crap...

Notable Commercials: James Cameron must have been hard up on money to sell out Avatar as much as he has. This is why I refuse to see the movie. If something is this good, it shouldn't need this much commercialization or a sandwich at McDonald's.

Late Christmas Ideas: I... I don't have words for... Sorry, I think that may be one of the better Doctor Who Christmas Specials.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being most people, 10 being your average Doctor Who 2-Parter): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 17 & 18

2009-12-25T17:51:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Let's see how random we can get, shall we?

iCarly: Well, this might be the true nadir of the day. I am vaguely knowledgeable about what this show is. Basically, kid has a web show she tapes in her attic. It's not good by any stretch of the imagination In the opening alone, she subjects one her friends to playing a flashlight. She goes downstairs and her brother made an electromagnetic Christmas tree. He is kinda awesome. I wish I had an older brother like that. For Carly, this isn't good enough. Also, apparently Carly's blond friend is a bitch. She has nothing better to do than antagonize Carly's male, possibly gay friend. The awesome tree burst into flames, burning the presents. Carly wishes her brother was normal and... yeah, a George Bailey is happening only Clarence is a midget.Yeah, this isn't going to stop hurting, is it?

So, wish is granted, Carly's apartment is normal, brother is dating a cougar which apparently passes for normal is this weird world, and Carly goes to school. Oh, and Carly's gay friend Freddy is in a closeted relationship with a mega bitch. Oh, and Carly is dating some... I dunno what. Apparently I would get it if I watched this show on a regular basis. Oh, and the studio doesn't exist anymore because her brother isn't weird. So, even though Carly has learned her lesson, it can't be reversed until the angel gets it's wings and the bitchy friend, Sam, is in juvey. Someone decided that juvey is just like prison. Carly regains Sam's trust by knowing too much stuff. I will admit though, wanting to become an invisibly ninja is cool. Oh, and I change my mind. Carly's alternate reality boyfriend is uber-gay. Carly has a nervous breakdown and proves herself to be a bitch ("I want my brother back." "I want you to be single and lonely." "I want you to leave the country." "Nobody even likes you.") and thankfully, this is the clincher to righting reality.Carly realizes her brother is the only one on this show other than kinda bitchy girl that counts as a functional human being that I would ever hand out with. Everything is right and apparently angels get their powers from Chicken wings. Yeah, the angel did it all for a large plate of Buffalo wings. That was pointless. Then they mock A Charlie Brown Christmas by doing the humming at the tree thing. Yeah... really? This show sucks. The only redeeming feature is Sam The Bitchy Chick. Without her, I probably would have ran for the hills about the time it turned into It's a Wonderful Life. For that matter, anyone notice that any of these shows that happen with that scenario, the character who it happens to has never seen that crappy movie?

The Year Without Santa Claus: This is one my favorites. I always loved the Rankin-Bass stop motion specials. There's just something about it that gives it more charm than many of the others. Maybe it Snow and Heat Miser. Maybe it's because Mrs. Claus gets to do something. I dunno, but it gets me. Plus the voice acting is first rate including Mickey Rooney as Santa Claus. Mind you most of the songs aren't very memorable with the exception of the Miser Brother's songs. Those are the most remarkable character in the special really. The two elves, Jingle and Jangle, are kinda bland. Next time you watch this special though, pay attention. During a song at about the halfway point, Charlie Chaplin is in the background.

The Miser Brothers are definitely the stars of this special. They also apparently have cloned themselves some mini-mes because both brothers minions are the splitting images of themselves and they all have dancing lessons. I think the Miser Brothers might be gay. Hear me out here. They're momma's boys both, something of a stereotype back in the day. To top matters, both brothers are a little fey. It pretty much all adds up to one thing: Snow Miser is Camp Gay while Heat Miser is a Bear. It all makes sense.

Notable Commercials: Remember when the Wilson Brothers were both notable actors? Yeah, now we have Luke mostly just appearing in commercials for AT&T. It's kinda sad when a celebrity falls into this state. At least when Catherine Zeta-Jones did it, it was because she was already in the contract and was just a spokewoman. Luke, Luke is just kinda there, doing it because it's there as an offer.

I hate this Brittney Spears perfume commercial. It might be the attempts to be arty, most likely it's the fact that she gets hit with an arrow and survives.

Late Christmas Ideas: Outside of a vacation, I want my very own song and dance number. Hmmmm, that might be in the works if I can get my hand on a camera.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being a normal child, 10 being one who has stared into the Deadlights): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 15 & 16

2009-12-25T15:58:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Had a pretty good lunch. Roommate Pickett wants to go to China Garden for dinner. I might join him if the mood strikes me in which case, there will be an hour lull in the action. It happens.Since I spent a fair amount of time on Dinner and most of that was spent eating with Pickett watching DS9, I'm not covering a lot this hour. Oh well.

A Charlie Brown Christmas: The King of all Christmas Specials. There is so much to be seen in this yearly wonder. It's one of the only ones not afraid to deal with the taboo subject of religion. That is one of the things I love about it. Religion is a major part of the holiday and it is kinda one of the ones that always gets left out. Still, that's not the most important part. Most important part is the heart of the story. Charlie Brown is everyone at some point in their lives. He takes the collective martyrdom of the Peanuts for them. Sometimes Linus does take some grief but it's just a brief reprise for Good Ol' Charlie Brown. A lot that I have to say can be summed up by the other commentary I've made on this special.

Notable Commercials: I love the old Hershey's Kisses ad with the bells. There's something so classic and awesome to it. There is not a level where it doesn't rock.

Late Christmas Ideas: More hours in a day. Wouldn't mind a few more of those just so I can get something done.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being a normal human being, 10 being Charlie Brown after being forced to take too much crap): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 13 & 14

2009-12-25T13:59:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Let's watch a couple of BBC Christmas Specials. I just missed Black Adder unluckily but let's go with what we can get.

The Catherine Tate Christmas Show 2: I watched this last night but it's kinda funny at times. Some of the humor is kinda British so it's occasionally hard to get as an American. It happens, it sometimes sucks to be a Yank. The problem with a sketch show is that it's hard to follow sometimes as far as a blog goes so I don't think I'm going to try. I'm mainly doing this to have a bit of break. But here's my thoughts on the Queen's Christmas message.

Queen Elizabeth's Christmas Message: We start with a shot of Buckingham Palace. The queen walks, greeting people in various dresses and hats of different colors, looking striking for a woman of her age. The Queen talks about the deaths in Afghanistan, gives her well wishes to the casualties, and then continues to talk about the British Commonwealth. Basically people talking about Unity between the various countries involved. I think Lizzy looks better with her glasses than without. Apparently the commonwealth is important and finally, she wishes us a Happy Christmas.

Are You Being Served?: This is the 1975 Christmas Special. The show, for those unfamiliar, takes place in a London Department store. The staff has to dress up in costumes for Christmas. First they have Christmas Lunch, an embarrsingly small bird, the Christmas pudding goes up in flames, and... yeah, I'm running into the same problem as with Three's Company earlier. I can't really say much about it. I'll just remember this next year.

Late Christmas Ideas: I wouldn't mind a device for Time Travel. That way I could have thought better of providing commentary on British Television. Either that or some crackers. That would be rather fun. Hmmm, I think I'll buy some for next year's Thanksmas dinner.

Notable Commercials: What is it with me having the telly on and the people advertising something I really want to watch and am keenly anticipating. This time, It's the Doctor Who Christmas Special. Only a few hours to go.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being most Time Lords, 10 being the Master): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 11 & 12

2009-12-25T11:56:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Kelly Ripa is hosting the Disney Christmas Day Parade with Nick Cannon and then there are the Jonas Brothers. Ugh, I don't care much for the Jonas Brothers. There is no reason all these tween girls should be moshing. NO REASON! It's inoffensive music created by committee. Kelly tires to make us believe that the obviously choreographed actions going on are impromptu. Nice try. She goes over to ~~a midget~~ Ryan Seacrest. Right away, I see why Macy's is better, it's a conglomeration of products as opposed to one collective image. No chance of getting Rick-Rolled here.

There isn't much thought to the color commentary. Woody from Toy Story is referred to as a Rock star. Yeah, it makes little to no sense to me. However, we get a preview of Toy Story 3. It's the same as the one that's been online so no changes. There's also the Up float which... okay, did we see a different movie because the movie was freaking depressing. I mean seriously depressing. Another reason Macy's is superior: It's doesn't stop for three minutes just so some Disney Channel personality with delusions of grandeur can butcher a wonderful Paul McCartney song (Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time). It's terrible, like Kids Bopz terrible. How can people clap for this crap?

Oh wait, here's the part I can love. The Disney Villain float. Really, they're the only part of this accursed thing that seems like it's not artificial. However, it doesn't stay with them for long until it hits Pirates of the Caribbean and we get more of Kelly Ripa reading off cue cards. I'm really phoning it in on this one but then again, I'm sure Kelly is also. She got a free vacation to Disney with the family. She's not going to complain. I'm sure Celine Dion isn't because there she is in this in what looks like someone wrapped her torso in blue packing paper and then sent her to Disney to be unwrapped. Oh dear god, no one unwrap Celine.

You know what would be awesome? Getting someone I'd heard of or don't detest to appear in this parade. I know disgruntled geeks are not Disney's current target audience (the fact that they figured no one would notice that they kinda plagiarized The Lion King from Kimba The White Lion shows that.) but even doing something like getting Paul McCartney.

So, we get to the Princess Portion. They kinda gloss over Belle which is kinda unforgivable. It's my favorite Disney film and it just disappears. I do like the New Orleans flapper style of The Princess and The Frog segment. I could see myself going to see this movie, I really could. Belle finally shows up but just for a second so we can get to Cheerleaders. If that wasn't horrific enough, Yanni shows up. Didn't this guy disappear in the early 90's? This is what I need after no sleep: Coma Inducing music. I need a soda to get through this.

So, next float involves people moving into the street and dancing including a very badly digitally inserted Kelly Ripa looking like a dead chicken having convulsions. We finally get someone worth while, Stevie Wonder. Only took an hour and a half. Stevie somehow increases the stock in this by like a hundred percent. Thank you Stevie. You made this entire parade tolerable. Chris Allen doesn't actually hurt things too much either. Samantha Brown then shows up to shill Disney Cruise Lines. I'll admit that some of this stuff looks like fun also if you have the crap load of money for it. That would be nice. Samantha is good at shilling. A cut back to Kelly Ripa tells us who isn't. One of the problems with Ripa is that she's mentioned her husband about 30 times. It's starting to get annoying. Every other word is Mark. It's all kinda sad. Then if it can't get worse, We are promised more Celine Dion. UGH!

To make matter worse, we have a legitimate chorus singing then Celine. Just so we can contrast what real Christmas music is with shrill pop Christmas Music. Thankfully, Celine is dressed like an adult now and wow, with a close up on Celine, she does not look 41. I mean, seriously, not even remotely. Anyway, that's enough of that. Let's watch some BBC Christmas specials.

Noted Commercials: There's a commercial for Disney's new service project with Taye Diggs and Miss Piggy. I'll admit, Taye Diggs is a very attractive chap. Miss Piggy is one of the great characters of all time. I would watch their Dinsey World vacation. I imagine it would be funny and romantic and then Idina Menzel would have a reason to show up and yeah, Idina Menzel, always worth having around. Why couldn't Idina be on the parade?

Dumb question: Why is The Bachelor still on?

Oh, and all the Lost Commercials with no new footage? Why do you mock me, ABC? WHY!?!?

Late Christmas Ideas: An all expense paid trip to Disney World would be nice. Please?

The Tally
Times I hit my head out of frustration: 17
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being going to Disney during the off-season, 10 being there right now on Christmas): 7

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 9 & 10

2009-12-25T09:58:00.001-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Going for some reality/documentary style shows right now.

A Very Queer Eye Christmas: Because what says Christmas like a bunch of gay stereotype getting together with some straight people they've changed the lives of on a film set. I really don't know whether to be insulted or to wish people asked me for advice because I was a self-help fairy (No pun intended.). But what we have here is a clip show. Yes, a clip show disguised as a holiday gathering. Still, the show introduced the world to Ted Allen so I can excuse it that. Ted Allen is one of my favorite Food Network personalities so all is forgiven. Jai, the tiny thin one, he never did anything. He's just some actor who has no business telling someone how to run their life.Carson, The blond one, he set the movement back about ten years, reinforcing all of the stereotypes. It's all kinda sad. Then again, it might also be partially because I view myself more as being a geek than gay but this territory that I've covered before so let's move on.

Really, what this show was is people who think they're better telling you how to live your life. Yeah, if I ever do that, become a sanctimonious gay man, tell me then and there and I'll stop. I'm not better than just about anyone. Maybe a couple of people but that's about it.I dunno, I watch the show, see the reactions the men have to the straight guys and some of the stuff, I don't see a problem. So someone has a different style than you. You don't judge them on that. That's just stupid on so many levels and spending four days with a person then leaving isn't going to change them as much as it would usually.

Disney Holiday Magic with Samantha Brown: This is pre-show for the Disney Holiday Parade in like an hour. I've never been to Disney before myself. Seeing it at Christmas would make me want to see it more. I mean, this is kinda torture and very unethical. Oh well, whatcha gonna do? That said, it does serve to let us know that Mickey is a spirit of consumerism. It may be a world of wonder but it's not cheap. Then again, I doubt any of us are going to fool ourselves into thinking that.

Little things of note. They Christmas up It's a Small World. It's kinda scary. I am scared for the existence of my soul. The Cinderella's castle room you can get in Disney World. It's so freaking excessively awesome. It's beautiful, the mirror is also a flat screen tv, and just so grand. Actually, the lights on Cinderella's Castle that makes it look like it's covered in ice is also gorgeous. Look at it. to the side. I would love to actually see that in person someday.

Notable Commercials: There's a commercial for a brownie pan that separated out the brownies for you as they bake. Really? Who buys these things? Someone has o or else they wouldn't sell them> It's all levels of excess and stupidity. It's like those pancake puffs from a few years back. Billy Mays (God rest his soul) wouldn't even endorse something like that. Speaking of which, they seem to be letting his soul rest since I can't remember the last time I've seen one of his commercials.

Late Christmas Ideas: I want something really straight to defy these blowhards. Sport jerseys, a trip to Hofbrau, anything just to drive this crud out of my head. Ooooh, good German food and some good alcohol. Yummers.

The Tally
Times I was kinda embarrassed to be gay thanks to Queer Eye: 4
Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being a random passerby, 10 being the same passerby after a dose of The Scarecrow's fear toxin): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 7 & 8

2009-12-25T07:54:00.000-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: I watched A Christmas Story. I've already talked about it once this holiday season, what more do you want? Ralphie learns a lot of things. He learns that you get a lot of Christmas presents but few teach you a lesson that you need. Sometimes people are jerks. Sometimes you have to take apples and make lemonade. But, above all things, he learns that Christmas is family above all things and that as long you're together, Chinese food is just as good as Turkey.

Notable Commercials: I like The Office, I really do, but TBS, please stop running commercials for three hour marathons. Just show clips from the show but even then, they don't capture the humor as well and it's still not going to be as good as 30 Rock.

Late Christmas Ideas: I forgot to get Christmas Crunch again this year. This is like the third year running. Still, I got some of my mom's cinnamon rolls for breakfast so that's all that counts really.

The Tally
Amount of Second Winds I've gotten: 1
Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being a sensible gift, 10 being an electric powered cracker): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 5 & 6

2009-12-25T06:00:00.003-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: It's time for some sitcoms and a visit from one of our friends from a couple of years ago.

Three's Company: In your typical Christmas episode, hijinks ensue. John Ritter walks around with mistletoe on his head and gifts are unwrapped. Chrissy is bummed over not being home for Christmas so they throw a party until they find out their neighbors are having a better one they weren't invited to. Mrs. Roper invites them to her party, they accept, and then the neighbors call to invite them to their party. Cue mock concern.

For once, Chrissy is the voice of reason, stating that the menage had already made an engagement. I attempt to find any of this funny. Long story short, the Ropers bore them, the trio heads off to the other party, and they run into the Ropers who's invitations had also got lost in the mail and had been trying to run off the twin pregnancies waiting to happen. I could try to care but let me brutally honest, I would rather be watching Little House on the Prairie right now and that says something. It's not even ironically funny. Thank God for the Brady Bunch.

The Brady Bunch: I love the Brady Bunch Christmas episode. Carol and Alice are wrapping presents when Carol shows up, having lost her voice. I have a joke as to how that happened that I could make but this is a PG blog so I'll keep that to myself. Anyway, Carol's doctor says she won't recover in time to sing at Church, thus almost depriving us of finding out what branch the Brady's belong to. I would normally say it's some secretive cult dedicated to making large armies for God/wives for the leader. Anyway, the Brady's go to the mall and Cindy asks Santa to bring her mommy's voice back. Mike admonishes Santa for rasing little Cindy's hopes when they should be crushed at an early date so she doesn't mind having a sister-wives. Mike decides to crush little Cindy's hopes right away before they can grow but Cindy refuses to listen to reason. Lo and Behold, Cindy's faith in Santa is not unfounded, Carol gets her voice back, and we learn the very important lesson that Santa is in fact a deity capable of curing the sick. Yep, good job Brady Bunch, you taught us that our pagan gods can work as well as any other ones. Next week, Marcia seduces Davy Jones through her nice little altar to Baal.

In the B story, the kids get a tree and we get a nice little lesson about commercialism. The kids don't want to be materialistic because their mom is going to be sad. They just want to cancel Christmas all together. Alice shames them into going forward with the Holiday. It's kinda saying Christmas can come from a store, I guess. The one bright side is a brief scene of the Brady Kids all secretly trying to hide presents. Let's move on.

The Yule Log: For those of you unfamiliar with the Yule Log, it's basically just Christmas music playing while you watch a burning log in the fireplace. I am obviously not a pyro because staring at a burning log doesn't do much for me. It is slightly maddening thought. It's enchanting. Look at the flames swirl. Not something to show a sleep deprived person. It will not end well, no, not at all. It makes me think of Fire... Oh my god, it was so quiet and then it got loud and had an ad for boots. I seriously jumped there but now I'm getting dreamy again. Oh snap.

Noted Commercials: In the Progressive auto ads with the perky claims specialist, one of three things come to mind. 1) The claims specialist is really fired up about her job. 2) She takes a lot of drugs. I mean A LOT of drugs. 3) She's very sarcastic and mocking all of the people buying from Progressive.

Late Christmas Ideas: Fire. I'd like some fire....

The Tally
Time I had a flashback of some kind watching the Yule Log: 7
Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being the average amount of holiday parties Will gets invited to, 10 being the amount of drinks I have to cover up the lack of invites): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 3 & 4

2009-12-25T04:00:00.149-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Time for something else I remember from my Childhood, brought to me by the Hallmark Channel: A Smoky Mountain Christmas starring Dolly Parton. Dolly plays a country singer and it's an excuse for her to sing and wear some ugly outfits. Anyway, Dolly wants to get away from it all and annoying paparazzo so she settles for spending the holidays in the Smoky Mountains. By the way, this being Dolly, I have to point out that her biggest talents are on display here. A Lot. I mean, a LOT! She also does some annoying voiceover.

Anyway, she runs into the local sheriff and in the process, Dolly run afoul of Jezebel, the local witch. Yes, there's a witch who rides a black horse, wears black, and her name is Jezebel. Realism, you jumped out the window and killed yourself because your cousin coincidence has also visited the movie by making sure people think that Dolly was kidnapped and making sure that the cabin she's going to is inhabited by a group of precocious orphans who find her in a slinky night gown. She bonds with the orphans and we're introduced to Mountain Dan, played by Lee Majors.

A major problem with this movie is that there's a lot of annoying songs, I know this is a star vehicle for Dolly but she doesn't help matters by bringing the kids into it. They sing along and they're not particularly good. Not at all. Another problem is how coincidence rules here. The paparazzi follows Dolly, the sheriff is a dick to Dolly, and the witch does some stuff in town and no one seems to care. Seriously, people live in a town where supernatural things happen on a regular basis and in front of a member of the press, and it seems like something you can joke about and that says, run for the hills to me.

So, Dolly bonds with the orphans some more, sings yet again, and meets the witch for the first time, ~~angered over no longer having the biggest hair in the town~~ the sheriff supposedly being in love with Dolly. She's saved by Lee Majors who tells her that the kids ran away from a children's home. Since Lee Majors just plays people who can scare other people, this doesn't go well. Apparently the kids think he's going to eat them or something. However, they're adorable about this but they're fears are realized when he brings them a fruitcake. Obviously Lee Majors is evil and wants to make the kids and Dolly suffer. Everything gets awkward for a little while after that point and there some actual Christmasy stuff going on.

So, annoying paparazzi gets lost in the woods and meets ~~a Stevie Nicks impersonator~~ the witch. She messes with him because apparently her bridge night got canceled and the paparazzi finds Lee Majors' cabin.They bond, paparazzi drops some exposition, we move on.

The orphans want to move in with Dolly. Seeing that they want to stay on her gravy train, she turns them down so the kids decide to skedaddle just as the police show up to grab the kids for being runaways and thieves. Apparently this involves what I hope will be a shootout. Unluckily, Dolly just gets felt up/arrested along with all of the kids. The paparazzi takes some pictures and teams up with Lee Majors and the older orphan who almost started a Jamestown incident. Thankfully, no songs about Prison on Christmas. Instead, we get the return of voice over, most of the kids going back to the orphanarium, Dolly in lockdown, and ~~bubblehead~~ The Witch making a poison pot pie. I just realized that this is Snow White. Damn, there are seven orphans, a witch, and Dolly and it was an apple pie. Really? Someone out there is laughing at me.

The sheriff attempts to make this into a Lifetime film by trying to get Dolly drunk so he can have his way with her. The witch saves her in the guise of an old woman and gives Dolly the pie. She eats it as Lee Majors tries to break her out and the old woman turns back into ~~Joan Collins~~ The Witch. She gloats and leaves. The idiots Three break the window and find Dolly asleep. I envy Dolly. Older Orphan makes a power of friendship speech and it wakes her up. *Sigh* I was starting to hope the movie would be over. ~~Joan Crawford~~ The Witch shows up and tries to use her magic on Dolly. Apparently the witch's brains went out the window because she gets tricked into eating her own pie. She hams it up, falls asleep, and we're back to the orphanage.

Apparently Dolly had enough time to become a pirate and steal a Santa sled. The littlest orphan acts cute, allowing the rest of the orphans to escape and Dolly gets to add assault, unlawful imprisonment, and kidnapping to her list of felonies in addition to fleeing jail, aiding and abetting, corruption of minors, and obstruction of justice. Dolly is going away for a long time.

THe police are investigating the crimes of Dolly. They catch them, adding fleeing the scene of a crime to the list of offenses and John Ritter plays the judge. Really? Anyway, he lists off the offenses and Lee Majors is apparently a lawyer. Judge Ritter drops the charges, Dolly asks to adopt the kids, and the judge allows it despite the fact that the paparazzi has apparently disappeared at this point, possibly because he's plead down to just being annoying. Dolly hooks up with Lee Majors and they all return to the cabin for Christmas and another annoying song. Thus ends A Smoky Mountain Christmas. I think I need a drink if you don't mind.

Noted Commercials: There's this Liz Taylor White Diamonds ad that... yeah, I dunno how to explain it but it's been on twice and it seems like an art film. It has nothing to do with perfume. Really, watch it to learn what the hell it is.

Late Christmas Ideas: Precocious Orphan Repellent. Batman has to have some in his utility belt some place. He has room for everything else in there, he had to have something to use on Dick Grayson when he got annoying.

The Tally
Number of Annoying Dolly Songs: 6

Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being the weight of a penny, 10 being the weight of Dolly's talent): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 1 & 2

2009-12-25T02:00:00.057-05:00

Viewing Thoughts: Home Alone, probably one of my favorite yuletide films and a good way to start off the day. I'm watching it on the Fox Movie Channel which is trying to make it their A Christmas Story by showing it non-stop for 24 hours or so. I can see why they would go with this comparison. Both are kinda films about the follies of childhood. Mind you, along the same lines, A Christmas Story is a superior film and does have the added benefit of having a much more nostalgic feeling to it. While Home Alone is a much more artificial film, I am not saying it's a bad movie. Oh, in no way am I saying that. It does have the better score of the two but then again, it is John Williams. It is an incredibly fun film when you're a kid and if you were a kid when it came out, it still carries a case of the nostalgias. I remember seeing it with my dad and sister when I was a kid and I look back on that fondly to this day. However, it seems a lot shorter than it actually is. I mean, seriously, it's just a little over 100 minutes with credits. However, it's a kid's movie and kid's movies should not be all that long.

Catherine O'Hara deserved a supporting actress nod for her role as Kate McCallister. She really is the heart of this movie. At first, she is a typical mom, if a bit too snippy with Kevin but she's under stress and Kevin is kinda a jerk at the beginning. However, once she finds out that she has accidentally abandoned her child, she instantly goes into mother bear mode and flies to protect her son, traveling the earth, going to immense trouble to do so. It doesn't hurt that the actress playing her is incredibly talented as well. Catherine O'Hara is amazing, no matter what the film but here she shines, is kinda dead-pan, and throughout, believable. She accomplishes it all with the utmost of effort and sure, if she had patience, she would have gotten home the exact same time but that matters little because she tried, worked against fate, and endured polka just to get what she wanted: to get back to her son.

Harry and Marv, the wet bandits, should be dead. There is no way around that. Mind you they become major league idiots in the second film and become immensely more accident prone but even in the first film, they should, by no small miracle, not be alive. We're talking falling down the stairs, getting hit in the head repeatedly, third degree burns, rusty nails through the foot, and not counting any bites from the tarantula. These two function as if they're in peak health the entire time and somehow are able to beat a kid to the phone elsewhere. The fact that they're able to recover, get themselves cleaned up so they can escape and get on the run to New York in a just a year shows these two must be superhuman. Kevin bests two people who have become gifted with invulnerability by the gods of thievery and both times brought them to justice, three if you count the pure crappiness that is Home Alone 4 but that involves acknowledging their existence so we'll say two. Harry and Marv, nearly invincible but still doomed to be beaten by a pre-teen.

Noted Commercials: No commercials. The problem with watching something like this on a movie channel. Not going to be repeating that mistake too much today.

Late Christmas Ideas: I would actually say a copy of Home Alone would be grand. Double points if it's on blu-ray.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being an hour of isolation, 10 being a year): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Pre-Show

2009-12-24T10:27:00.000-05:00

First off, the Top 100 List will resume next week. I just needed a bit of time off to recollect my bearings. Now for the topic.

Okay, so for those new to the blog, every year I do an Christmas/Thanksgiving themed day where I stay up for 24 hours and watch the TV and blog about what I see. This year I hope to do it with no naps or me breaking down half way through. I'm going to try to get a nap before I start this year. So, here's this year's rations:

Cans of Mountain Dew: 12
Cans of Amp: 4
Coffee: There if I get Desperate.

I'm ordering a pizza for dinner tonight, eating taking a nap, then probably guzzling water so I don't get dehydrated like I did last year with the Thanksgiving Experiment. That wasn't fun, especially when I briefly had trouble standing up. But this should be a good year. I'm recording a bit of back-up material on the DVR but that's mainly in the case that I can't find something Christmasy enough to fill up a particualar portion of the day. I will not be fast forwarding through commercials so I can get the full feel of the holiday, right down to ads for whatever stupid thing they want to advertise. I also plan to watch at least one Hallmark and one Lifetime movie tomorrow. That might be the painful thing. I only count myself lucky that The Christmas Shoes is on at ten tonight on the 24th as opposed to two hours later when the experiment begins. So, come back at midnight when the fun begins.

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 20 & 19

2009-12-17T08:55:00.000-05:00

20. Charade (1963)
Directed by Stanley Dohen
Screenplay by Marc Behm and Peter Stone
Starring Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Walter Matthau, and James Coburn
Oscar Nominations: 1

Charade is one of the most brilliant movies I have ever seen. Hepburn stars as a woman who's husband has turned up dead and she's trying to find answers. The mystery comes when we see the odd people at the funeral and find that the man who she met on vacation is somehow involved. What follows is one of the best screenplays on the list because you never know what turn the plot is going to take or who you can actually trust all the while getting some of the most kickass dialogue that you'll hear in quite a few movies. It also has something that is rather rare: an organic romance subplot. Usually movies that take place over a short period of time have fairly uninteresting romances that really come out of left-field. In Charade, you can see the attraction between the two characters and even though Hepburn can't really trust her suitor, she does grow visibly fond of him.

I don't talk enough about cinematography but I think I will right now by saying that this movie is eye porn. Actually, it's pron for the senses. You start out in the Swiss alps with a shot that just makes you feel chilly and then we're is Paris, the city of lights at it's most gorgeous. All the while, the score is there, pushing your emotions around, making you believe something is going on but you're not quite sure what. It does what good movie music does, heighten the tension, relieve it when necessary, and make the audience comfortable and uncomfortable where necessary. I'm sure the movie doesn't taste good but I haven't tried but it's at least a east for those two senses.

19. Spirited Away
Directed and Screenplay by Hayao Miyazaki
Starring the Voices of (Japanese) Rumi Hiiragi, Miyu Irino, and Mari Natsuki (English dub) Daveigh Chase, Jason Marsden, and Suzanne Pleshette
Oscar Nominations: 1 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Animated Film)

Often called the Walt Disney of Japan, Hayao Miyazaki is perhaps one of the greatest people to ever work in the medium of animation. While in most Disney films, the story can often be a little manipulative, in a Miyazaki film, everyone acts in character, the plots are very natural, the heroines are never helpless. The plot, that of a young girl forced to work to save both her and her family, is often times moving and adventurous. Spirited Away does all this and more. It is a visually beautiful film, often times both gorgeous and stylish. The film takes place in a bathhouse for the spirits so it's filled with colorful characters. These are all things you find in Miyazaki films, all of which are worth watching. Next time, I'll probably put a few more on the list.

One of the reasons that the movie succeeds is the voices. Both in the original and dub versions, the character's voices are very real. One of the reasons I love the dub is that the translators took time to work with the original animators to get the words to fit the mouths, something that previous films have done at the expense of being true to the original work. The fact that it was Disney working with them is the icing on the cake. You might as well go with one of the leaders in animation, getting access to their stable of voice actors in the process. The reason why Chihiro, the main character works, is because she sounds like a scared little girl. The witch sounds like a witch without being ridiculous.

Next Time: "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation." "Now gentlemen, in this country our courts are the great levelers, and in our courts all men are created equal. I'm no idealist to believe firmly in the integrity of our courts and of our jury system. That's no ideal to me. That is a living, working reality. Now I am confident that you gentlemen will review without passion the evidence that you have heard, come to a decision, and restore this man to his family. In the name of God, do your duty. In the name of God, believe Tom Robinson."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 22 & 21

2009-12-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

22. Shadow of a Doubt (1943)
Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
Screenplay by Thornton Wilder, Sally Benson, and Alma Reville
Starring Teresa Wright, Joseph Cotten, Macdonald Carey, Patricia Collinge, and Henry Travers
Oscar Nominations: 1

I have to say that this might be Hitchcock's best film. The movie is about a woman and her uncle that she was named after. The uncle murders rich older women after romancing them. The movie, like anything Hitchcock, is suspenseful and the performance turned in by Wright as the niece is splendid. The character develops perfectly and organically. At first she's a naive small town girl but she slowly reveals herself to be the only person to see through her uncle's facade, ready to kill herself to stop him. The most notable thing is that while Hichcock female leads tend to meet bad ends or are mostly wooden, Charlie survives, finds love, and remains a strong woman up to the end.

My favorite part of the movie is how most of the people aren't quite right. Two of the supporting cast members discuss how to plan the perfect murder for much of the movie. It's funny but then disturbing when an actual murderer walks among them. The youngest daughter, Ann, is also kinda cool. She is older than her years and seems almost as wrong as her uncle. In addition, we have the use of tows. The uncle and niece are both names Charlie. There are two investigators, two church and garage scenes, and many other duets. By the way, Hitchcock's cameo is about fifteen minutes in, playing bridge with a winning hand.

21. Cabaret (1972)
Directed by Bob Fosse
Screenplay by Jay Allen from the play by Joe Masteroff
Music by John Kander and Lyrics by Fred Ebb
Starring Liza Minnelli, Michael York, and Joel Grey
Oscar Nominations: 10 Oscar Wins: 8 (Best Director, Best Actress Liza Minnelli, Best Supporting Actor Joel Grey, Best Cinematography, Best Editing, Best Art Direction, Best Score, Best Sound)

A musical about the rise of Nazi Germany, alternatively cheery and depressing. Possibly one of the best musicals of all time, it deals with risque elements with dignity. The actors, doing their own singing thank god, are perfect. They realize the heaviness of the roles but also realize the need to have some jollity. Liza Minelli's Sally Bowles is sexy and funny. It's a powerhouse performance. Joel Grey's performance as the Master of Ceremonies isn't a big attribution to the plot but he serves to provide commentary and the scene at the end where he realizes that the air of change has come and he hasn't noticed is heartbreaking.

The songs are mostly performed in the titular cabaret. The sole exception is the most haunting. "Tomorrow Belongs to Me" is sung in a beer garden. At first, it seems like a pretty song sung by a blond headed youth. A crowd watches and then the camera pans back, first showing his brown shirt and then the swastika on his arm. A Hitler Youth. Then the crowd starts to sing along. What seemed like a hopeful song is revealed to be a song to incite. The other song, "Cabaret," is just as happy when you hear it but then you realize that Sally Bowles is singing it, not because she's happy, but because she's unsure of her future, she's just had an abortion, and she got rid of a man who loved her. Her life is in ruins and she has to cling to an ideal of a life that is gone.

Next Time: "I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else." "Once you've met someone, you won't really forget them. It just takes a while for your memory to return."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 24 & 23

2009-12-14T11:59:00.000-05:00

24. Citizen Kane (1941)
Directed by Orson Welles

Screenplay by Orson Welles and Herman J. Mankiewicz
Starring Orson Welles, Joseph Cotten, Dorothy Comingore, Everett Sloane, and Ray Collins
Oscar Nominations: 9 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Original Screenplay)

This movie appears on every top 10 list in creation if not the top pick, it is taught in almost all college film classes, and it has one of the first big surprise endings of all time. It only ranks 24 and that's only because of the huge plot hole but that's beside the point. It is a genuinely great film. The film is the retelling of one man's life, a thinly veiled critique of William Randolf Hearst, and a mystery all tied into one. A great film can be many things all at the same time. Great writing helps that along and makes sure that the audience can follow a multi-tiered story like this one.

My problem does come down to the huge plot hole which is that the titular character dies in a room alone, is described as dying alone, and yet everyone knows his dying words. It's kinda unforgivable but I let it slide for the fact that it does set up one of the first and greatest twist endings in film history. The thing most people know of this film is the line Rosebud. The mystery of the film what Rosebud truly meant. Most people by now know that, just like they know the big secret of Psycho. That said though, I still won't be giving it away and when you do find out in the context of the film, it's brilliant. Really, a good ending is built to while a crappy ending will sputter out and die.

23. Double Indemnity (1944)
Directed by Billy Wilder
Screenplay by Billy Wilder and Raymond Chandler from the novel by James M. Cain

Starring Fred MacMurray, Barbara Stanwyck, and Edward G. Robinson
Oscar Nominations: 7

Best. Film Noir. EVER! Seriously, this is what noir is. A dark story, people who's morals are kinda lax to say the least, some kick-ass music, perfect use of darkness. The best part is, it's all about insurance fraud. They make insurance fraud interesting! Dammit that's awesome. Anyway, the acting is top notch and Billy Wilder, like always, is one of my favorite directors. The man knows how to set up his shots so they get the maximum amount of shadow with a minimum amount of distractions.

I want to take notice of Barbara Stanwyck. She fills a trope of the Femme Fatale so perfectly. The character really is the definition of it and she fills her role so nicely. She is pure ex, manipulates people into doing things for her, and she never gets her hands dirty. Of course, she does pay for her sins, this is 1940s Hollywood after all, but she still gets away with them in such a way that it works for awhile.

Next Time: "My God! It's enough to drive a girl into a convent! Do they have Jewish nuns?" "We're not just an uncle and a niece. It's something else. I know you. I know you don't tell people a lot of things. I don't either. I have a feeling that inside you there's something nobody knows about... something secret and wonderful. I'll find it out."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 26 & 25

2009-12-11T07:14:00.000-05:00

26. Funny Girl (1968)
Directed by William Wyler
Screenplay by Isobel Lenhart from her play
Music by Jule Styne lyrics by Bob Merrill
Starring Barbra Streisand, Omar Sharif, Kay Medford, and Anne Francis
Oscar Nominations: 8 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Actress Barbra Streisand)

I am an unabashed Barbra fan. I really love the woman and her work and there is no way for me to be objective about it. I loved her in freaking Nuts people and even I know that was a terrible movie. So, anything I say is going to come across as very biased but that's the point of this list, right? Anyway, Babs rocks in this movie and there is no other reason to watch it. Yeah, there are other actors but it's all Babs' show as famous stage actress Fanny Brice. Her singing and humor are both awesome and she alternatively funny and sad playing to every emotion. The woman deserved her Oscar, now can someone give her her Oscar for Prince of Tides?

If I have to talk about something other than Babs, let's talk about the music with which I can still talk about the most awesome diva ever. The songs are very memorable. People and Don't Rain on My Parade have both become standards of Babs. There aren't many songs that don't involve Babs singing but the supporting cast does carry what singing it needs. I'm sorry, I'm trying to challenge myself by not talking about Babs but it isn't quite working. Just go see the movie, see the glory of Babs, and realize how gay Will is to rave about her so much.

25. Fantasia (1940)
Directed and written by Quite a few people, really, just hit IMDB for this one people.
Starring Leopold Stokowski, Deems Taylor, The Philadelphia Orchestra, and Walt Disney

Fantasia is more than just a movie, it's an event. There is literally nothing quite like it, not even the rather lackluster Fantasia 2000. Fantasia is animation set to classical music. Some of the sequences have a plot and other don't. They really don't. The animators were just allowed free imagination to do as they please and make it awesome and works. The choice of music is also impeccable and there isn't a sequence that doesn't stand out or not work. Let's talk about my favorite one.

Night on Bald Mountain and Ave Maria are probably the best sequences in the movie, even more so than The Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's basically Evil being vanquished by Good. First is Night on Bald Mountain in which a massive demon, possibly Satan himself, gathers his minions and forces them to dance for his amusement. The sequence is very terrifying, even as an adult. It then goes into the more quiet Ave Maria where pilgrims trek to a holy land. Really, just a brilliant sequence and the use of music is just so powerful in both. It's all rather hard to describe in words so go and rent it on DVD. It's all nice and restored.

Next Time: "You're right, I did lose a million dollars last year. I expect to lose a million dollars this year. I expect to lose a million dollars next year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to close this place in, 60 years." "Yes, I killed him. I killed him for money and for a woman. I didn't get the money and I didn't get the woman. Pretty, isn't it?'"

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 28 & 27

2009-12-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

28. Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
27. Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)
Directed and Written by Quentin Tarantino
Starring Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Daryl Hannah, Michael Madsen, and Lucy Liu

I know I'm kinda cheating here since these are technically supposed to be one film but there are enough stylistic differences for me to consider it otherwise. Besides, it would have been kinda hard to just talk about it in two paragraphs. This is, to me, Tarantino's masterpiece. We get a lot of the style, genre bending, witty dialogue, and gore that defines him as a director and writer. There is not a single actor who doesn't turn in a performance that is truly awesome. But, let's get into specifics, shall we.

I'm going to start out by talking about one of the best scenes, The House of Blue Leaves aka the scene where The Bride fights a lot of assassins at the same time. The fight choreography is just terrific. Every swing of the sword, the movement of each combatant, it's just so organic and realistic that it doesn't feel scripted. The music, when we get it in the scene, helps so much as well. There is a point where the film turns black and white. This was done to cover up some of the violence but I really think it works. It adds an extra sense of mood to the scene invokes classic kung-fu movies. Then there's the duel between Lucy Liu and Uma. It's probably the second best fight sequence in the movie.

Earlier I said there were some stylistic differences between these two films. This is true. Vol. 1 is much more of a straight forward action movie. We get some character development but it takes a back seat to the kung-fu homage that makes up the majority of part 1. Vol. 2, the movie kinda changes. It get a little bit more heavy into the Kung-fu feeling of Vol. 1 but it also becomes more personal, especially during the last half. The fight between Elle Driver and The Bride is white trash and thrilling at the same time. On one hand we have The Bride, a wronged woman, on the other hand we have Elle, unrepentant murderer who also killed The Bride's master. The raw emotions between the two women makes this scene ultra thrilling but it's nothing compared to the last scene between The Bride and Bill. We don't get much of a fight here but it is still very personal as The Bride is reunited with her daughter.

I enjoy this movie because it's fun but I also enjoy it because it feels like the director had passion doing it. So often, you watch an action movie and it's alright but you know the people were doing it for the cash, nothing more. With Kill Bill, it seems like the people had as much fun making it as the audience does. Uma Thurman is always great under Tarantino's watchful eye and it would be asking too much for her to be in all of his films like Helena Bonham Carter is in all of Tim Burton's these days but it would be nice. They make a great team and you know they enjoy working together. People who like working together make great cinema. Ben Affleck is really only good when he's working with Kevin Smith and they enjoy working together. Really, Kill Bill works because it's a labor of love and it's fun to watch and that is what counts.

Next Time: "Hello, gorgeous." "What you're going to see are the designs and pictures and stories that music inspired in the minds and imaginations of a group of artists. In other words, these are not going to be the interpretations of trained musicians, which I think is all to the good."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 30 & 29

2009-12-09T06:55:00.000-05:00

30. Dogma (1999)
Written and Directed by Kevin Smith
Starring Ben Affleck, George Carlin, Matt Damon, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, Jason Lee, Jason Mewes, Alan Rickman, and Chris Rock

What can I say about a movie that has, to some small extent, formed a slight bit of the basis of my religious beliefs? Yeah, I based my technical Agnosticism on a movie but then again, I might consider myself an atheist if not for it so there. The movie is a satire on the Catholic Church but it's so much more than just that. It's also a criticism of most organized religion's problems, namely the fact that most people start worshiping the name rather than what the name stands for. I'm technically a Christian except I choose not to give my creator a name and just try to live by their standards and lessons. Yeah, I know, I got this from a movie that has a living excrement demon. Weird, huh?

The thing about any Kevin Smith movie is that it all comes down to the writing eventually. This is all helped by the fact that Smith grew up Catholic. He knew a lot of the rituals including the obscure one that forms the basis of the plot. One of the things that I especially like are some of the irrelevant non-sequenters. We get a monologue (which I used for auditions during my brief stint with college acting) about John Hughes movies. We get an argument about how The Walrus and the Carpenter from Alice in Wonderland is all about organized religion. But, like all good writing, it comes down to mostly one thing, people sounding natural. The main character, Bethany, reacts like most people would to finding out that they've been chosen for a holy crusade: freak out. Would you react all that well? Didn't think so. A lot of the humor is very profane but it's kinda like South Park: you have a lot of profanity but it's a way of getting people to listen. Once their ears are open, then you can get to the serious stuff.

29. The Pink Panther Strikes Again (1976)
Directed by Blake Edwards
Screenplay by Blake Edwards and Frank Waldman
Starring Peter Sellers, Herbert Lom, Lesley-Anne Down, Burt Kwouk, and Leonard Rossiter
Oscar Nominations: 1

This is the best film in the entire series. The thing about The Pink Panther movies is the absurdity of them. Between Peter Sellers physical comedy and how he pulls off Clouseau's inept brilliance, it comedy gold. I especially love the premise of this one: The inspector who was all too often on the receiving end of Clouseau's bumbling goes insane and builds a doomsday device just to blackmail the world into killing Clouseau for him. Follow that up with the way that Clouseau manages to take out every single assassin is just the frosting on the cake.

I;d like to take a moment to talk about Peter Sellers now. They don't make actors like Peter Sellers now. In one man, we had someone who could be a huge idiot one second but at the same time convince you he was the most intelligent person you've ever met. Possibly the best comedy actor of all time, I know I'll get the chance to talk about him, and in some length, on another movie on the list but it's always going to be Clouseau that he gets associated with so here's to you Peter.

Next Time: "For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat, the vanquishing of thine enemy can be the warrior's only concern. Suppress all human emotion and compassion. Kill whoever stands in thy way, even if that be Lord God or Buddha himself. This truth lies at the heart of the art of combat." "The venom of a black mamba can kill a human in four hours, if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb. However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes. Now, you should listen to this, 'cause this concerns you. The amount of venom that can be delivered from a single bite can be gargantuan. You know, I've always liked that word...”gargantuan"... I so rarely have an opportunity to use it in a sentence. If not treated quickly with antivenom, 10 to 15 milligrams can be fatal to human beings. However, the black mamba can deliver as much as 100 to 400 milligrams of venom from a single bite."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 32 & 31

2009-12-07T11:25:00.001-05:00

32. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Directed by Jonathan Demme
Screenplay by Ted Tally from the novel by Thomas Harris
Starring Jodie Foster, Anthony Hopkins, Scott Glenn, and Ted Levine
Oscar Nominations: 7 Oscar Wins: 5 (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actress Jodie Foster, Best Actor Anthony Hopkins)

I'm going to start out by saying that Anthony Hopkins is in the film for only about 24 minutes. It seems like a lot more but it's true. That is why the role is so memorable and why some of the later Hannibal Lecter films fail, over-exposure. Hannibal Lecter is one of those film characters that makes the audience uncomfortable and yet he has an air amount him that you can't help but pay attention to. He's humanized but not to the point where you can start sympathizing with him. That would be almost unforgivable. No, it's only to the point where you know this monster is a human being and there's no getting around that. The terrific part of Silence is that everyone is so human and so obsessed. Lecter is obsessed with getting out or at least getting a window. Clarice is obsessed with getting into the FBI to the point where she does some pretty stupid stuff over the course of the film. I mean some really stupid stuff that's over-shadowed by some brilliant stuff. Jack Crawford is obsessed with catching the serial killer. Chilton is obsessed with making himself look competent and failing in every way possible. The characters are so human that they work.

One of the things that I enjoy about The Silence of the Lambs is some of the suspense scenes. Any of Clarice's interviews with Lecter leave the audience breathless since you never know what the hell's going to happen. In fact, any of the scenes with Lecter do that since the character is so methodical that you don't know if he's running a massive Xanatos Gambit or if he's actually just messing with someone's head. For that matter, the ending scene between Clarice and Buffalo Bill is very intense. The kind of movie you've been watching, you seriously don't know if Clarice will live or die and that is what makes this movie grand, such delicious suspense that you can eat it up with a spoon.

31. Young Frankenstein (1974)
Directed by Mel Brooks
Screenplay by Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder
Starring Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle, Marty Feldman, Teri Garr, Madeline Kahn, Cloris Leachman, Kenneth Mars, and Gene Hackman
Oscar Nominations: 2

Mel Brooks is a comedy genius and no where is that more evident than in Young Frankenstein. While many of his later films were just parodies of various movies, Young Frankenstein was a parody of just one and it's a classic. One of the things that just makes this movie work well on so many levels is that the humor is often absurd but it's consistent in that but it also has some more grounded comedy to it as well. The writing is the best part of the film really. Dialogue, singing, everything. I dunno, the humor is often a natural reaction to what came before.

The actor's must be given their dues as well. Cloris Leachmean, ah Cloris, you rock so hardcore. I mean, there is just so many reasons that you are awesome in this movie but let's look at one big one: Horses. The art of the running joke. Enough said. Madeline Khan continues to be awesome in anything she does. The Monster, Peter Doyle is so beautiful as the monster. I mean, a character who really just growls for like half the movie is one of the best. That's the earmark of a great actor and great writing. Gene Wilder as the Doctor is also a great but it's the mark of a great movie when the lead actor who is phenominal, is still not the best part of the movie.

Next time: "The whole book's gender-biased. A woman's responsible for original sin. A woman cuts Samson's coif of power. A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist. Read that book again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined." "Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is a water pistol!"

The Top 100 Movies of all Time (A Very Biased List) 34 & 33

2009-12-04T16:34:00.000-05:00

34. Pulp Fiction (1994)
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
Screenplay by Quentin Tarantino & Roger Avary
Starring John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Uma Thurman, Harvey Keitel, and Bruce Willis
Oscar Nominations: 7 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Original Screenplay)

Say what you will about his film making, one can never accuse Tarantino of not having style. The man has it in spades. Down to the soundtrack choice, everything is just so cool. You go to a Tarantino film for the whole package. The visuals, the acting, the music, and most of all, the dialogue. Dear God is the man awesome with his dialogue. The way the characters speak, the dialogue coming out rapid fire, the little pop culture references. This is how I wish people talked. yes, a lot of it is profanity but it doesn't really matter. People are still witty. The structure of the film is also a plus. It's kinda disjointed and the best segment is the second with Uma Thurman and John Travolta but the entire movie is fun and great cinema.

A special note needs to be paid to the acting on this one. Having great dialogue is awesome but if your actors can't act, it means nothing. All of the actors strike it out of the park. Uma Thurman is one of my favorite actors but she is definitely in her element in any Tarantino film and this one especially. Her Mia Wallace is both sexy and someone who wants to have fun at the same time. She has excellent chemistry with John Travolta and their dancing scene is one of the best I've ever seen. Bruce Willis as well is great as a pugilist who has to escape a mobster. He has a surprising amount of honor and he meshes so well with the film as a whole. Finally, Sam Jackson. What is there not to love about Sam Jackson's part in the movie? Equal parts warrior and philosopher, he is the highlight of the film and the main reason to watch it. I could just watch his scene where he pontificates in the diner so many times and never get tired of it.

33. Psycho (1960)
Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
Screenplay by Joseph Stefano & Samuel A. Taylor from a novel by Robert Bloch
Starring Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, Vera Miles, John Gavin, and Martin Balsam
Oscar Nominations: 4

It takes a lot of nerve to kill off your main character in the first hour of the film and that is just one of the reasons that Psycho works as well as it does. It shocks you. While we take for granted the twists in the movie now, back then this was a shocking movie and the ending was the king of all awesome endings. No one saw it coming and that is why the movie works. The death of Marion Ross is something that everyone expects but you see the plot at the beginning and you don't expect her to die. You expect something to happen with the suitcase of money that she stole from work. But nothing happens. It's like the movie actually changes half way through and takes you by surprise in the process.

Really, it's hard saying anything about Psycho that hasn't already been seen. The music is terrific, the acting is top notch, there is nothing wrong with this film at all. The only reason that it doesn't rank higher is that there are a few hokey moments and the movie does take a few minutes to get going and there are a few times that it stalls. Still, the suspense to perfect. By the way, the Hitchcock cameo is about seven minutes in. He in a window wearing a hat.

Next Time: "I'm having an old friend for dinner." "From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man!", our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 36 & 35

2009-12-03T00:38:00.000-05:00

36. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
Directed by Norman Jewson
Screenplay by Stirling Silliphant from the novel by John Ball
Starring Sidney Poitier, Rod Steiger, and Lee Grant
Oscar Nominations: 7 Oscar Wins: 5 (Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Actor Rod Steiger, Best Editing, Best Sound)

A stunning movie about racial tensions in the south. A racist police chief arrests a black man passing through town on murder charges. The man is actually a respected homicide detective in Philly. What follows is a mystery, a movie about prejudice, and a cop film. The mystery is good. We see the murderer in the very first scene and it makes sense the second time around, especially with the clue we're given. However the motive takes some time and it's just so controversial and race was really just a red herring. But it also isn't.

The two main actors perfectly get across the main theme of the film. Rod Stiger's character growth is just stunning. At first, he's more than happy to put the black man away, thinking just because he has a fair amount of money that he killed the rich guy. He grows, asking Sidney Poitier's Vergil Tibbs for help. He even, by the end, learns to thanks him when he realizes they're not all that different. Tibbs also makes mistakes, going off of a prejudice against the rich white man on the hill. It shows that everyone is a little bit racist, that while you have to be taught to hate, you can learn not to as well.

35. Fargo (1996)
Directed and screenplay by Joel and Ethan Coen
Starring William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare, and Harve Presnell
Oscar Nominations: 7 Oscar Wins: 2 (Best Actress Frances McDormand, Best Original Screenplay)

Fargo is quirky and possibly one of the best written movies I have seen from the nineties. It just has so many things going for it. Its main theme is just this haunting tune that undertones the seriousness of the film. Yet it's not completely serious. It does switch between the two so easily that it's natural. You almost don't notice. The dialogue is just so smart as well. It feels like how people talk, there's the awkwardness there, and it just does millions of bits of good for the movie. Another major point to the movie is the cinematography. It captures the spirit of a northern Midwest Winter so perfectly, the cold, the underlying cold to it's beauty.

There are two performances that I have to highlight here. The first is going to be William H. Macy as a car dealer who sets up the kidnapping of his wife to make some extra money. The desperation and nervousness of the character causes a fair amount of comedy but it also adds that extra bit of drama that makes the movie rock. It's a serious role that highlights a terrific actor. The other is Frances McDormand. The role is kinda hokey but it's also so true. Like Macy's, it's serious but funny at the same time. It also has the extra dimension in that the character is pregnant so McDormand has to to add an extra element to her movement as well. This is what good acting is made of: becoming a character, doing more than add an accent, add a movement to it as well. I love character actors.

Next Time: "A Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it 'Le Big Mac'." "We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?"

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 38 & 37

2009-12-02T14:07:00.001-05:00

38. The Exorcist (1973)
Directed by William Friedkin
Written by William Peter Blattly from his novel
Starring Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair, Max von Sydow, and Jason Miller
Oscar Nominations: 10 Oscar Wins: 2 (Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Sound)

There are so many things to love about The Exorcist. Let's talk about the story. Based on a supposedly true story, it's about a little girl possessed by a demon. However, the story is so much more than that. In addition to a number of scenes that are just down right creepy, there are the other plots. The buildup to the climatic exorcism scene is where much of the drama happens. From the first time that Regan mentions her imaginary friend, Captain Howdy, you know something is wrong. The nightmarish imagery that follows pulls the audience in, making them believe that this little girl is, in fact, possessed by something that should exist.The people around her react the only way that one should and that's where this movie gets truly scary. It's really psychological, most of the people think that Regan is just insane. I don't think any of us would seriously think someone we know could be possessed. That's where the movie gets scary.

The performances and their subplots are where the movie shine. I've already kinda touched on Linda Blair performance as a little girl possessed. Father Karras, played by Jason Miller, is a young priest doubting his faith. The scenes with his mother where he is racked with guilt for having to put her in a nursing home where she dies alone is sad, so very sad. Max Van Sydow's Father Merrin is truly terrific. Equal parts mystic and human, every one of his scenes rocks. The music, in particular the signature Tubular Bells, the song most people associate with the movie, is beautiful and creepy and helps convey an otherworldiness that the movie would otherwise be missing. Then there's the exorcism scene at the end. There really isn't a good way to describe it. It's one of the most famous scenes in film history and must be seen to be appreciated.

37. West Side Story (1961)
Directed by Jerome Robbins and Robert Wise
Screenplay by Ernest Lehman from the play by Arthur Laurents
Music by Leonard Bernstein, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim
Starring Natalie Wood, Richard Beymer, Rita Moreno, and George Chakiris
Oscar Nominations: 11 Oscar Wins: 10 (Best Picture, Best Director Jerome Robbins and Robert Wise, Best Supporting Actress Rita Moreno, Best Supporting Actor George Chakiris, Best Color Cinematography, Best Color Costumes, Best Editing, Best Set Direction Color, Best Score, Best Sound)

I'll get my one beef out of the way. Natalie Wood doesn't do her own singing. There, with that out of the way, God this movie is good. Let's start with the choreography. This is perhaps some of the best I have ever seen in a musical. It almost puts Fosse to shame. One needs to only look at Mambo to know this. Yes, a lot of the fight are just dancing but at the same time, it's a musical. Get over it. Besides, most fights scenes in movies are a series of choreographed moves, these ones are just more stylized. The use of color is another plus of the movie. It looks nice, feels natural, and adds a brightness when necessary to the film. The acting as well brilliant. The teenagers actually feel like teenagers. Rita Moreno, while not nearly as good as Chita Rivera, still puts in a good performance.

That said, let's talk about the music. This is the reason to watch West Side Story. The Leonard Bernstein score is perhaps one of the best in cinema history. It's iconic, beautiful, and resonating all at the same time. While a lot of films use their music a crutch for emotion, West Side Story embraces the music, says, "Yeah, I'm going to use the music to manipulate you and you're going to enjoy it." and you do. I can't say much about the voices since most of them are over-dubbed by other actors. I mean, seriously, of the four leads, only one did their own singing. Oh well, it happens. Can't help it. Just remember actors of today though, that will not be tolerated. Don't accept a role in a musical if you can't freaking sing. That is all.

Next Time: "I got the motive which is money, and the body which is dead." "There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don't you know that?"

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 40 & 39

2009-12-01T09:50:00.000-05:00

Format Change! I'm moving to two movies at a time but I'm going to get more in depth on them so who wins? You win!

40. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
Directed by Tim Burton
Screenplay by John Logan from the Musical by Stephen Sondheim and Hugh Wheeler
Music by Stephen Sondheim
Starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, and Timothy Spall
Oscar Nominations: 3 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Art Direction)

I know I say this a lot but this movie is a fine, four course meal for the senses, hopefully none of those courses being meat pie. I don't think anyone could have brought justice to Sondheim's masterpiece quite like Tim Burton. The man just knows how to capture the dark brilliance of Sondheim's piece just perfectly. The black humor is heightened by the dark and moody cinematography. The couple of bright scenes just look equally as disturbing.Really, the visual and musical effects work well in concert. This isn't even getting into the costumes. Carter's dresses really just accentuate her character's attributes. That wasn't supposed to sound dirty. Sorry. But anyway, it helps get across she's on hard times as the beginning and also later that she is in good times as well.

The performances are just top of the notch. Let me get my favorite out of the way: Helena Bonham Carter. Yes, she got the part because she's Tim Burton's lover. That doesn't change that she is a great Mrs. Lovett. You can believe that she loves this man and is willing to take advantage of and feed his psychosis to make great food. Her voice also works for the part and she still looks lovely much of the time. Depp is also stunning in this role. He does his own singing and it works very well. He really gets through Sweeney's sadness and desperation while also making us believe that he would commit murder without a second thought as long as it served his purpose. Finally, Alan Rickman, he just gets the sliminess that Turpin has to display just perfect. These three roles, if miscast or done incorrectly, would have killed the whole of the film. As is, they work well and in spades. Really, the only thing that doesn't work in this movie are the young lovers but even they can be overlooked since they're mainly around to help the plot move and to show the corruption of London and that there is no innocence there.

39. The Music Man (1962)
Directed by Morton DaCosta
Written by Meredith Willson and Marion Hargrove from the Musical by Meredith Willson
Music by Meredith Willson
Starring Robert Preston, Shirley Jones, Buddy Hackett, and Ron Howard
Oscar Nominations: 6 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Scoring, adaptation)

As a warning, there are going to be a fair amount of musicals at this point. Thank you. That said, wow. The Music Man. Filled with some of the most freaking catchy music ever written. That alone is enough to praise this movie. However, there is so much else. Let's start with the acting. I'm not normally a fan of "Talk-Singing" but I let it pass in this one for Robert Preston's performance as con-man Harold Hill. He gets a wonderful bit of wit and romance in there. Buddy Hackett fills the standard sidekick role perfectly as well. I know most people are familiar with Shipoopi mainly because Seth McFarlane sang it on Family Guy but this is the best guy possible singing it. However, the real stars of this movie as Shirley Jones and Ron Howard.

Shirley Jones is stunning. Like good looking but also a terrific actress also. She plays the cold intellectual well in the movie but also plays the concerned aunt and the lover well also. She comes across as someone who has been hurt but also warms up perfectly. The same goes for Ron Howard. Child actors are a dime a dozen but it's rare to find one that you can look at and say, "He's going to be great." That's what we got here. He would later enthrall us in Happy Days and become one the best directors of his generation as well as being a terrific narrator on Arrested Development. You can see that brilliance starting to shine here and that is part of makes this movie so remarkable.

Next Time: "There's not a day in my life that I don't feel like a fraud. Other priests, doctors, lawyers - I talk to them all. I don't know anyone who hasn't felt that." "Well, I can kill too because now I have hate!"

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 43-41

2009-11-30T08:28:00.001-05:00

First a note: Sorry about the lateness, I went Black Friday shopping and didn't have the energy to write this out. That said, 40 & 39 will be up either tonight or in the morning.

43. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
42. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
41. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Directed by Peter Jackson
Screenplay by Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, and Peter Jackson from the Novel by J.R.R. Tolkien
Starring Elijah Wood, Ian McKellen, Sean Astin, Viggo Mortensen, and so many other people.
Oscar Nominations(Fellowship): 13 Oscar Wins: 4 (Best Original Score, Best Visual Effects, Best Makeup, Best Cinematography)
Oscar Nominations (Two Towers): 6 Oscar Wins: 2 (Best Sound Editing, Best Visual Effects)
Oscar Nominations: (Return): 11 Oscar Wins: 11 (Best Picture, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Director, Best Art Direction, Best Costume Design, Best Editing, Best Make-up, Best Original Song (Into the West), Best Original Score, Best Sound Mixing, Best Visual Effects)

I really don't consider these to be separate films. They just aren't. Even more than Star Wars, they are one large narrative. Each film has separate rising actions but they each are part of the same film and for the love of god, watch the extended editions. You miss out on so much by watching the theatrical releases.

Lord of the Rings has made it hard for any fantasy franchise that gets set up these days. Gone is the day where some impressive special effects could get you through any problems with the plot. Now you have to have good acting, a good script, and believable characters. These are all things that this film had in spades. Gollum is and always will be one of films greatest characters to the point where parodies still show up in things 5 years after the fact. Among the things that are also worth noting are the visuals. Dear god is this movie a feast for the eyes. From the first shot of Bag's End to the first time we see Mount Doom, everything is just breathtakingly awesome. You could not ask for something better looking. You just get this huge tapestry of images that just blow you away, the epic score helping much of the time as well.

That said, the films do have problems. The Two Towers is the lesser of the three since it has some major slumps in the plot. It really feels like it's extended too much and The Battle of Helm's Deep goes on too long, especially when you consider that the Battle of Minas Tirith really was right next door. For that matter, there are some huge problems with Return of the King, namely the fact that there are six endings. You have to learn to compress these things down. Otherwise you end up like me with a full bladder needing to release but having to get up and sit down all those times. It's not a pleasant experience. Still, these are some awesome movies, like I said, watch the extended cuts since they give you so much more bang for your buck, and yeah, Ian McKellen rocks super hardcore!

Next Time: We switch up the format and Things get musical: "No, you see the trouble with Poet is how do you know it's deceased? Try the Priest." "Trouble. I'm talkin' 'bout trouble, with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for pool."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 46-44

2009-11-26T10:47:00.000-05:00

46. This is Spinal Tap (1984)
Directed by Rob Reiner
Written by and starring Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, Harry Shearer, and Rob Reiner

You will believe a man can burn up from the inside. The father of all mockumentaries and still one of the best. The deception is near total to the point where I forget it's not a documentary at times. The characters have the awkwardness that you often see in a documentary which helps the illusion. Another thing that helps the illusion is that the actors have done so much to help keep it going. They've released freaking albums since the movie came out. Like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the movie has gone beyond film and become phenomenon. Much of the movie is also ad-libed and that is often what makes it hilarious. The songs also really help everything along and, yeah, sorry, I'm really all too in love with this movie. Oh well. It's one of these movies that's hard to talk about. Really, watch for the cameos, be prepared to laugh like mad, and make sure you have a drummer on tap, seriously, have one handy. You'll need it.

45. Minority Report (2002)
Directed by Stephen Spielberg
Written by Scott Frank and Jon Cohen from a short story by Phillip K. Dick
Starring Tom Cruise, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton, and Max Von Sydow
Oscar Nominations: 1

Minority Report is one of those action movies that makes you think. It's all about free choice. In a world where you can get arrested for what you might do, you have no choice but to think happy thoughts. You won't hear me say this, but Tom Cruise was freaking spectacular in this movie. His role as Precrime Chief John Anderton has so many things going for it: tragedy in the form of dealing with the death of his son, drive to prove his innocence, and a desire to fight the system later. The visuals are also just amazing. It captures a futuristic world but it also isn't too far forward where it's a world we can't recognize. The other thing that really rock in this movie is Samantha Morton's psychic character. She's a sad person alternatively with cryptic. My favorite moment is when she tells someone, just a random person, "Don't go home. He knows." You don't know what it means but it has potential and makes the movie larger than it is.

44. A Night at the Opera (1935)
Directed by Sam Wood

Story by James Kevin McGuinness Screenplay by George S. Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind
Starring Groucho Marx, Chico Marx, Harpo Marx, and Margaret Dumont

One of the smartest and Funniest of the Marx Brothers' films. We do have the thing that often drags down the Brother's movies (Romantic Couple) but it doesn't quite bother me here. The couple actually works and there isn't the focus on them to the point where they are the main focus of the plot like in a couple of other movies. Instead, we have a manic film, anarchy bound, captured, and forced to work. The problem with moth Marx Brothers films is finding that balance and why A Night At The Opera works is that it find it. There are also a number of great scenes. The Stateroom scene and the ending scene at the Opera are two of the best in the history of the Brothers. The problem with Marx Brothers movies is that it's hard to talk about them because so much is visual humor and quick witted one liners. I guess I'll settle for really going in depth on them when I get to the Top 10.

Next Time: "All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a f***ing volcano."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 49-47

2009-11-25T00:01:00.001-05:00

49. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
Directed by Elia Kazan
Written by Tennessee Williams from his Play
Starring Vivien Leigh, Marlon Brando, Kim Hunter, and Karl Malden
Oscar Nominations: 12 Oscar Wins: 4 (Best Actress Vivien Leigh, Best Supporting Actress Kim Hunter, Best Supporting Actor Karl Madden, Best Set Direction)

This movie is brutal. I say this with no irony whatsoever. For coming out in 1951, some of the scenes are very brutal and real. The movie is truly sad. The characters are the strongest part of this movie which should come as no surprise. Blanche is a flawed character but that doesn't change that she is sympathetic. Stanley isn't completely a monster but he's practically there and that one little sliver of humanity keeps him as a person that seems wholly real. Their interactions, the crumbling of Blanche's sanity, and that final act of cruelty ensure that there will be no happy ending. This is a true tragedy where everyone comes out shattered. Even Stella, who takes refuge from Stanley upstairs at the end, swearing never to go back, will have to come downstairs and the abuse will continue. It's a sad fact of a sad movie.

48. A Christmas Story (1983)
Directed by Bob Clark
Written by Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, and Bob Clark
Starring Peter Billingsley, Darren McGavin, and Melinda Dillon

So many of my thoughts about this, my second favorite Christmas movie of all time, can be found by reading hours 1 and 2 of the 2007 Christmas Experiment. I can wait. It's even tagged at the end of the post. Anyway, what I love about this movie is that it captures so much of the spirit of Christmas and family. I remember being a kid and getting the occasional cruddy gift. More than that, it captures a lot of what being a kid is. You do stupid things, you never quite get over being awkward, and you have really gay fantasies. If you had went and read Hour 1 and 2, then you know that I think Ralphie is gay. But beyond that, the story is a classic and one that endured to this day. Try watching it three or four times on Christmas and try denying it then.

47. The Sound of Music (1965)
Directed by Robert Wise
Written by Ernest Lehman from the stage play
Music by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II
Starring Julie Andrews, Christopher Plummer, Eleanor Parker, and Richard Haydn
Oscar Nominations: 10 Oscar Wins: 5 (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Editing, Best Music, Best Sound)

I'm going to say it now: I root for the Baroness. Maria is perhaps one of the most saccharine film characters of all time but then you have this tart, snarky character like the Baroness and it makes it awesome. Really, if anyone but Julie Andrews had played Maria, I probably would run screaming when I saw her open her mouth. Regardless, this is one of the few Rodgers and Hammerstein films that I can stand and not just stand but enjoy. There are moments where the characters really just work. The scenery is also just majestic throughout. As I said about a prior film, this is the kind of movie that demands to be remastered into Blu-Ray because it would just be so enjoyable. I can't believe I haven't mentioned the music. The music is great here and some is just so beautiful like "Edelweiss." I just realized how many musicals are on this list.

Next Time: "He was the patron saint of quality footwear." "How can you avoid a man you've never met?" "Don't you see, you'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. Then, you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society, and all you've lost is $200,000."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 52-50

2009-11-24T10:01:00.002-05:00

52. Moulin Rouge (2001)
Directed by Baz Luhrmann
Written by Baz Luhrmann and Craig Pierce
Starring Ewan McGregor, Nicole Kidman, Jim Broadbent, Richard Roxburgh, and John Leguizamo
Oscar Nominations: 8 Oscar Wins: 2 (Best Costume Design, Best Set Direction)

The modern revival of the musical can all be traced back to Moulin Rogue. The film is often bombastic and overflowing with energy and it has a very beautiful love story to it. THe thing that really makes this movie for me is the music. It is completely and 100% apologetically anachronistic. That said, it's the moments like the Elephant Love Song Medley and Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend that the movie trully shines. Jim Broadbent probably puts in the best performance as Moulin Rouge owner, Harold Zidler. The character is conflicted between his role as a father figure to Nicole Kidman's Satine, and that as a business owner with the dream to open a theater. BTW, what is it with me and movies where a writer is a main character?

51. Strangers on a Train (1951)
Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
Written by Raymond Chandler, Czenzi Ormonde, and Whitfield Cook from the novel by Patricia Highsmith
Starring Farley Granger, Ruth Roman, Kasey Rogers, and Robert Walker
Oscar Nominations: 1

I love suspense and that's something that Strangers on a Train delivers in spades. Hitchcock gives us a film about the perfect murder: two unrelated people offer to kill the others intended victim. What follows is one believing it was a joke and the other being deadly serious. A lot can be said about Hitchcock's work. He is truly an auteur. Everyone of his films use certain themes and motifs to convey messages and meanings. In this case, its criss-crosses and doubles. It helps gets across that there are these two worlds: the good decent world and the world where people kill and that they're not that dissimilar. Those visuals alone make this movie worth viewing but then you get something else out of it upon the second or third viewing where you start noticing the theme everywhere and you start to doubt anyone is trully a double or anything. That's when you know that Hitchcock has you.

By the way, or those who want to know, the Hitchcock cameo is about ten minutes in. Look for the guy with the bass.

50. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992)
Directed by David Lynch
Written by David Lynch and David Engels
Starring Sheryl Lee, Moira Kelly, Chris Isaak, and Ray Wise

David Lynch is the master at creating messed up visuals. Nowhere is that more evident than in Twin Peaks Fire Walk With Me. Where else could you see someone eating creamed corn and make it into something so dark? The movie is a prequel to the popular tv series depicting the final week in the life of murdered Homecoming Queen Laura Palmer. Because we know she's going to die, the film takes on a tragic and depressing mood to it. Sheryl Lee's performance as Laura Palmer makes you wish she had appeared more in the show. She gets across this desperation in Laura to be accepted, to be herself, to be redeemed that carries much of the movie. Ray Wise as Laura's father is also another of the great performances. He's a man, mentally ill, also besieged by a supernatural force in himself that pushes dark urges on him. BOB, the evil inside of Leland Palmer, can be seen as a metaphor for the darkness inside us all and the mental torment for the evils we have done. The ending is my favorite part because it shows that for the tragedy that has befallen Laura, the evil that she herself has in her heart, she can be redeemed.

Next Time: "Some things are not forgivable. Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable. It is the one unforgivable thing in my opinion and the one thing of which I have never, never been guilty." "Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man!" "Darling, haven't you ever heard of a delightful little thing called boarding school?"

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 55-53

2009-11-23T15:57:00.001-05:00

55. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
Written by Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke
Starring Keir Dullea, Gary Lockwood, and William Sylvester with the voice of Douglas Rain
Oscar Nominations: 4 Oscar Wins: 1 (Visual Effects)

Possibly the most parodied movie of all time and definitely one of the most iconic. The movie is visually stunning. Today it may look a little less but that's just taking it in that context. Then it was a work of art and it still is. I don't quite feel that the movie is perfect, there are many points where it is downright dull, but it still it worthy for showing that science fiction can be more than giant monsters attacking beautiful women. It can also be something that makes you think. Still, my main reason to watch this movie is for the visuals and the music. Worth tracking down a Blu-Ray copy of the film if you can.

54. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
Directed by David Hand, William Cottrell, Wilfred Jackson, Larry Morey, Perce Pearce, and Ben Sharpsteen
Written by Ted Sears, Richard Creedon, Otto Englander, Dick Rickard, Earl Hurd, Merrill De Maris, Dorothy Ann Blank, and Webb Smith
Starring the Voices of Adriana Caselotti, Lucille La Verne, Pinto Colvig, and Roy Atwell
Oscar Nominations: 1

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - Trailer 1937 | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

The one that started it all. This was a huge technical achievement back in it's day. Today we take it for granted that something like this can be done. It was a huge undertaking and one that animation aficionados like myself will always be grateful. Because of it's historical significance, it's easy to overlook that character depiction is kinda two-dimensional but even that is negligible compared to it's beauty. It wouldn't be a few years before we get an animated picture half as good and it really is, more even then Mickey Mouse, the thing that built Disney.

53. The Philadelphia Story ( 1940)
Directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz
Written by Donald Ogden Stewart from the play by Phillip Barry
Starring Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, James Stewart, and Ruth Hussey
Oscar Nominations: 6 Oscar Wins: 2 (Best Actor James Stewart, Best Adapted Screenplay)

I love movies from the forties. Everyone talked so fast, the dialogue was thrown like knives and no movie demonstrates this quite like The Philadelphia Story. A movie about a woman's remarriage, it's cast is just sublime. Hepburn was one of the golden stars in the heaven of Hollywood and Jimmy Stewart proves himself to be a perfect actor. The film does seem stagey at times but there are others that it breaks free of it's stage trappings. Special note should be paid to the fact that up until this point, Hepburn had been considered Box Office Poison. From this point on, she proved herself to be a star and no one would ever dispute that again.

Next Time: " I AM THE EVIL MAHA RAJA! YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE!" "I still think it would be wonderful to have a man love you so much he'd kill for you." "When this kind of fire starts, it is very hard to put out. The tender boughs of innocence burn first, and the wind rises, and then all goodness is in jeopardy."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List): 58-56

2009-11-20T07:05:00.000-05:00

58. Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Directed by Stephen Spielberg
Written by Lawrence Kasdan from a story by George Lucas & Philip Kaufman
Starring Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Paul Freeman, Ronald Lacey, and John Rhys-Davies
Oscar Nominations: 8 Oscar Wins: 4 (Best Set Direction, Best Sound, Best Editing, Best Visual Effects)

A good adventure is hard to find. Raider of the Lost Ark is just that. The name alone is fun. It tells you that you're in for something awesome. When you pull back the wrapper, then you see the treasure you found. One of the things I love about this movie is Harrison Ford. He is what makes this film and there should be no excuses for not. While soe would point at Star Wars as being what made him a star, I point at Raiders just because of the sheer amount of charisma he displays. Quite frankly, I doubt anyone else could have had the combination of wonder and daring that Harrison shows off through out the film. The scene where the swordsmen, after doing that elaborate act of brandishing, just gets shot off-handily, that is a work of pure genius.

57. Finding Nemo (2003)
Directed by Andrew Stanton & Lee Unkrich
Written by Andrew Stanton, Bob Peterson, & David Reynolds
Starring the voices of Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres, Alexander Gould, Willem Dafoe, & Brad Garrett
Oscar Nominations: 4 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Animated Feature)

Ellen DeGeneres is what makes this movie for me. Dory is possibly one of my favorite characters from a Disney-Pixar film. The voice acting in incredible though, regardless of who it is though. I love this movie for so many reason though. The writing is top-notch, both funny and alternatively dramatic and sad. I admit, I may have teared up at the one scene where Dory gets left behind and Ellen's little line there. It really is a sad part of the movie. For that matter, the early scene where the big fish attacks the eggs and Nemo's Mother, that is just one heart-breaking scene. If I give Disney-Pixar anything, it's that they are not afraid to toy without emotions and I thank them for that, I really do.

56. Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)
Directed and written by George Lucas
Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Alec Guinness
Oscar Nominations: 10 Oscar Wins: 6 (Best Editing, Best Visual Effect, best set Direction, Best Original Score, Best Costume Design, Best Sound)

The movie that started it all. Hello, and welcome back to Epic 101. In the Epic, you need a good first act, obviously. During the first act, you need to introduce all your major players. They don't need to get along at first but you also need to give them some unifying goal. As well, you must introduce the villain. Do something to play him up as a threat, whether that is a willingness to murder innocents or supernatural abilities far beyond humankind. A first act must also end with thing looking up for the heroes. After all, the second act needs things not to start out at their worst because then what are you going too do to make it all bad at the end of act 2? Do all this and you stand a pretty good chance at being as good as the Holy Trilogy. I mean seriously, this movie is a good introduction to the whole of Star Wars, as it should as the real first movie in the franchise. So much good tension and just a bit of romance that becomes a little creepy later on down the line. Good times.

Next Time: "I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that it's going to be all right again. I feel much better now. I really do." "Lips red as the rose. Hair black as ebony. Skin white as snow." "We just picked the wrong first husbands, that's all."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 61-59

2009-11-19T00:01:00.001-05:00

61. Chicago (2002)
Directed by Rob Marshall
Written by Bill Condon from the Play by Bob Fosse and Frank Ebb
Music by John Kander and Frank Ebb
Starring Renée Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Richard Gere, Queen Latifah, and John C. Reilly
Oscar Nominations: 13 Oscar Wins: 6 (Best Picture, Best Supporting Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, Best Sound, Best Editing, Best Costumes, Best Art Direction-Set Direction)

2002 was one of the best years for movies in recent history. 3 of the movies nominated for Best Picture appear on this list. Chicago is the best single one of them. It is a classic book musical and we all know how I love musicals. The movie is a delicious black comedy with great dancing as well. There is not a thing to love about Chicago really. The acting is sublime with Catherine Zeta-Jones' Velma Kelly being the stand out. There is not a moment she is on screen that you don't find yourself thinking something awesome is going to happen. The dialogue is also great. Often in musicals, dialogue takes a back set to the songs but in Cicago, both of them shine. The movie also brings forth a good precedent that all musicals have to follow now: Have the actors sing and do their own dancing, otherwise you end up like Minnie Driver in Phantom of the Opera.

60. Annie Hall (1977)
Directed by Woody Allen
Written by Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman

Starring Woody Allen, Diane Keaton, Tony Roberts, Carol Kane, Paul Simon
Oscar Nominations: 5 Oscar Wins: 4 (Best Picture, Best Direction, Best Original Screenplay, Best Actress Diane Keaton)

I'm going to say it now: I am not a fan of Woody Allen. That said, the man is a terrific actor, writer, and director. The man gives his actor's such great characters to embody and no where is that more apparent than Annie Hall. There isn't anything not to love about this Romantic Comedy. Diane Keaton's title character is one of those people we all know, that we've all dated. They seem perfect at first but as it goes, you know it will end and yet you grasp at it. It is also a perfectly written film for one simple reason: it was intended to be a mystery movie. The studio didn't like it so that was scrapped and a quick rewrite during shooting allowed it to become the classic we have today. Seriously, whoever would have thought that Woody Allen would one day be a romantic lead.

59. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
Directed by Frank Capra
Written by Sydney Buchman from a story by Lewis R. Foster
Starring James Stewart, Jean Arthur, Harry Carey, and Claude Rains
Oscar Nominations: 11 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Original Screenplay)

1939 is probably the best year for movies ever. Look up some of the movies that came out that year if you don't believe me. This is probably Jimmy Stewart's best role of his career. The story of a small scout master who gets sent to become a senator is classic for a reason and parts of it still ring true today. A large amount of the movie is about political corruption and what makes this country what it's supposed to be. It's a largely patriotic film and that is why I still love it. Stewart's big scene, the filibuster at the end, is still one of the best speeches ever given by an actor and it shows why Stewart will always be one of the greatest there ever was.

Next Time: "You wanna to talk to God? Let's go see him together, I've got nothing better to do." "I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy." "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 64-62

2009-11-18T12:41:00.000-05:00

64. The Departed (2006)
Directed by Martin Scorsese
Written by William Monahan from a screenplay by Felix Chong & Alan Mak
Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, and Mark Wahlberg
Oscar Nominations: 5 Oscar Wins: 4 (Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Adapted Screenplay)

I will say now, I do not believe this to be the best work of Martin Scorsese. Yes, I am tipping my hand a little but oh well. What we do have though is an excellent crime film about being undercover in the enemy's base. What makes this movie particularly remarkable is that everyone is at least somewhat sympathetic. You may not like a character but everything they do is pretty realistic. Also, Jack Nicholson feels like he's playing a character and not just himself and isn't that what life is all about?

63. The Little Mermaid (1989)
Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker
Written by Roger Allens, Ron Clements, and John Musker from the fairy tale by Hans Christen Anderson
Music by Alan Menkin and Glenn Slater
Starring the voices of Rene Auberjonois, Christopher Daniel Barnes, Jodi Benson, Pat Carroll, and Buddy Hackett
Oscar Nominations: 3 Oscar Wins: 2 (Best Score, Best Song "Under the Sea")

All animated films right now have something to owe The Little Mermaid. Before The Little Mermaid, Disney was floundering (no pun intended) but since then, it has prospered. The Golden Age came from this picture, one that would create at least one film later on down the line of the list but that's something for later. Sure, it doesn't stick to it's source material at all but it is a great movie nonetheless. The music is fun and , as I have shown before, I love the villains. Ursula is another find Disney Villain and one that has a goal other than revenge for something petty. She also has one of the best songs showing Disney Villains really do have all the fun. Really, I very much appreciate the film and what it gave us: about ten years of pretty good animation followed by Tarzan. Ugh, Tarzan.

62. Mary Poppins (1964)
Directed by Robert Stevenson
Written by Bill Walsh and Don DaGradi from the Novel by P.L. Travers
Starring Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, Karen Dotrice, and Matthew Garber
Oscar Nominations: 13 Oscar Wins: 5 (Best Actress Julie Andrews, Best Editing, Best Score, Best Song "Chim-Chim-Cheree", Best Visual Effects)

This movie is almost perfect in every way. Julie Andrews is just terrific and is the best part of the film. Well, other than the colorful visuals and the such. It really is a splendid performance, one worthy of acclaim. Sorry, hard to say more right now.

Next Time: "In this town, murder's a form of entertainment." "A relationship I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark." "I wouldn't give you two cents for all your fancy rules if, behind them, they didn't have a little bit of plain, ordinary, everyday kindness and a little looking out for the other fella, too."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 67-65

2009-11-17T21:15:00.000-05:00

67. Shakespeare in Love (1998)
Directed by John Madden
Written By Marc Norman and Tom Stoppard
Starring Gwyneth Paltrow, Joseph Fiennes, Colin Firth, Judi Dench, Ben Affleck, & Geoffrey Rush
Oscar Nominations: 13 Oscar Wins: 7 (Best Picture, Best Actress Gwyneth Paltrow, Best Supporting Actress Judi Dench, Best Original Screenplay, Best Original Music, Best Costumes, Best Set Direction)

I love Shakespeare. The man was brilliant and his writing gorgeous. That said, since there isn't much known about his life, a good biopic is far and few between so I got to settle for fictional ones or episodes of Doctor Who. Whichever. This is a well acted film and quite funny and romantic at times. It is also a good depeiction of how Renaissance Theater worked. The acting is stellar and I got to say that there isn't too much that this movie misfires on.

66. Rosemary's Baby (1968)
Directed and written by Roman Polanski from the novel by Ira Levin
Starring Mia Farrow, John Cassavetes, Ruth Gordon, Sidney Blackmer
Oscar Nominations: 2 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Supporting Actress Ruth Gordon)

There's a lot to love about Rosemary's Baby. The best part is the mood of the film. It really is a psychological horror film. Unlike The Omen where you knew there was something wrong with Damien right away, a fair amount of this film is Mia Farrow's Rosemary realizing that there's something not quite right going on here. From that point on throughout the movie, she finds herself trying to find out if she's going insane or if she is pregnant with the child of the Devil. The paranoia about the freaky neighbors in addition to some of the visuals is what dials up the creepiness factor. It doesn't hurt that Mia Farrow and Ruth Gordon both hit the ball out of the field in the acting.

65. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2005)

Directed by Michael Gondry
Wirtten by Charlie Kaufman
Starring Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood, Tom Wilkinson
Oscar Nominations: 2 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Original Screenplay)

I'm going to start by saying that Charlie Kaufman has to be taking some good drugs because that's the only way to explain how trippy this movie is. That all said, it is freaking terrific and probably one of the best written movies of the new millennium. On one hand, it's a love story. On another, it's about a rather novel idea, deleting part of your memory so that you don't have to deal with the pain. From there, we get to be inside Jum Carrey's mind as he tries to wipe out the remains of his ex-girlfriend, played brilliantly by Kate Winslet, possibly the most gifted actress of her generation. She will surpass Meryl Streep someday, I bet it.That said, the highlight of this movie is the writing. In comedies, it's rare to capture the awkwardness of a person's life and that's what Charlie Kaufman accomplishes here. I really have nothing but good things to say about this movie.

Next Time: "You have an immaculate record. Some guys don't trust an immaculate record. I do. I have an immaculate record." "Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn't lurk in doorways. It's rude. One might question your upbringing." "Why do you always complicate things that are really quite simple?"

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 70-68

2009-11-16T09:30:00.000-05:00

70. Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Directed by Clyde Geronimi
Written by Erdman Penner, Joe Rinaldi, Winston Hibler, Joe Peet, Ted Sears, Ralph Wright, and Milt Banta from the Fairy Tale
Starring the voices of Mary Costa, Eleanor Audley, and Marvin Miller
Oscar Nominations: 1

There are a number of reasons why this is one of the best films in the Walt Disney collection. A major reason for me is the music. A lot of it is taken directly from the score of Tchaikovsky's ballet of the same name. Another reason is the art. It looks like something taken directly from medieval art. It's a style that's distinct from any of the disney films that came before or after. Now, that all said, the major reason I love this movie is the villain, Maleficent, possibly my favorite of all the Disney villains. She definitely the most evil. She wants to kill a baby simply because she got slighted an invitation to a party. She has no problem ruining lives and she is unabashedly evil. While doing all this, she always has an air of elegance and style to her that makes it seem alright that she's terrorizing these people. That fact that she can turn into a huge dragon is completely arbitrary but still adds to her coolness.

69. Run Lola Run (1999)
Directed & Written by Tom Twyker
Starring Franka Potente, Moritz Bleibtreu, and Herbert Knaup

Run Lola Run, or Lola Rennt as it's known in it's native Germany, is a movie about cause and effect. In the film, Lola has 20 minutes to find 100,000 marks before her boyfriend holds up a grocery to get the money he needs to pay back a crime lord. What happens is Lola running through the streets of Berlin, trying to accomplish that. What makes the film novel is that we are shown three different versions of the events, all based off of an opening scene of her running down the stairs and encountering a dog. In each case it changes how the rest of the film goes for Lola and also changes the effect on the people she encounters. In three cases in each story, Lola interacts with a person for half a second and because of that, their life is shown for a moment showing how it turns out. Really, that is what I love about this movie. It basically says that every moment of every day counts and we need to live with that, running to make it work if necessary.

68. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Directed by Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones
Written by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Llama, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, & Michael Palin
Starring Many of the people in the above line.

What can I say about this movie that hasn't already been said?

Next time, "There's something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl's lips.." "I used to love Doggy Chow, too!" "Oh my god, they're eating her and then they're going to eat me. Oh my god!"

Okay, fine, I'll talk Monty Python and The Holy Grail is a geek classic, I would probably be thrown out of geekdom if it wasn't on here. It is one of the most quotable movies of all time and the ending is infamous but very much in style. There really isn't a lot to say since this is a hard movie to describe, it really has to be seen. Go out and rent it. NOW!

The real Next Time: "Playwrights teach us nothing about love. They make it pretty or they make it comical or they make it lust." "They're his father's eyes." "Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating."

The Top 100 Movies of All Time (A Very Biased List) 73-71

2009-11-13T18:19:00.001-05:00

73. Return of the Jedi (1983)
Direceted by Richard Marquand
Written by Larence Kasdan from a story by George Lucas
Starring Harrison Ford, Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher, and Billy Dee Williams
Oscar Nominations: 4 Oscar Wins: 1 (Special Achievement)

A good story has three acts. An epic saga on the other hand has to have multiple acts. While the middle act is possibly going to be the most important, the last one is where everything is leading and it has to have a good resolution. That is why the original Star Wars Trilogy works. I will tell you now that I will be talking about all three films (hint hint) at some point in the near future but Return of the Jedi came first so it's the first one I'll be talking about. What makes Jedi work is the ending. We have three seperate climaxes, one emotional (Luke vs The Emperor and Vader), One Romantic (Luke and Han), and one Apocalyptic (The rebels vs The Empire and the Death Star.) All are satisfying and that's why this is a good ending.

72. The Graduate (1967)
Directed by Mike Nichols
Written by Calder Willingham and Buck Henry from the novel by Charles Webb
Starring Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman, and Katherine Ross
Oscar Nominations: 7 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Director)

The journey into adult hood is tough. That is what I have learned and what the lesson of The Graduate is. The one thing most people know abut this film is Dustin Hoffman sleeping with Anne Bancroft's character. That is not at all the point of the film. The point is that we have a protagonist, fresh out of college, not sure what he wants from his life. An older woman displays interest in him, something the world at large has ignored, and he's entranced. That's only part of the show because it's Dustin's growth into a man, responsible and sure of himself, not afraid of love. On, and I have one word for you: Plastics.

71. Sweet Charity (1969)
Directed by Bob Fosse
Written by Peter Stone from the Musical by Neil Simon
Music by Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields
Starring Shirley MacLaine, John McMartin, Chita Rivera, and Paula Kelly
Oscar Nominations: 3

Ah, singing, dancing Prostitutes and some awesome choreography to boot. One of my favorite Fosse movies, Sweet Charity is music you can hum to and some messed up visuals as well (The Rich Man's Frug anyone?) I first saw this film back in high school and didn't know what to think. I still don't know what to think. The story can be odd but the acting and songs are what drives it into awesomeness. Plus, there are some cool cameos, including Sammy Davis Jr. singing The Rhythm of Life.

Next Time: "Now, shall you deal with ME, O Prince - and all the powers of HELL!" "Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?" "The ball is round, a game lasts 90 minutes, everything else is pure theory. Off we go!"

The Top 100 Movie List : Postponement

2009-11-13T09:20:00.000-05:00

I have to go into work early today so today's entry won't be up until after five. Sorry. Until then, enjoy Ghost Love Score by Nightwish.

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 76-74

2009-11-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

76. The Bad Seed (1956)
Directed by Mervyn LeRoy
Written by John Lee Mahin from the play by Maxwell Anderson
Starring Nancy Kelly, Patty McCormack, and Henry Jones
Oscar Nominations: 4

I must like movies featuring psychopathic munchkins because we have another movie featuring an evil little girl. It's a well-written movie about a mother who starts to suspect that her daughter is a killer. It actually seems like a plausible premise to me. One of the things that I really enjoy about the movie is that performance of Patty McCormack who plays Rhoda, the daughter. She is variably evil and sweet and always slightly creepy but only if you know that she's evil. The thing that makes or breaks these kind of movies are the children actors. If they're terrible, it sinks. If they're good, it rocks.

75. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
Directed by Ang Lee
Written by Hui-Lee Wang, James Schaums, and Kuo Jung Tsai from the novel by Wang Du Lu
Starring Chow Yun-Fat, Michelle Yeoh, Zhang Ziyi, and Chang Chen
Oscar Nominations: 10 Oscars won: 4 (Best Foreign Film, Cinematography, Score, Art Direction-Set Direction)

A feast for the eyes, one of the most visually beautiful movies I have ever seen. The thing that makes this movie as awesome as it is is that it's a feast for the senses. It's beautiful to look at, the music is very striking and serves the mood well. The other that makes it great is the romance between the lovers in the film. What could have been a quest movie for a stolen sword is a romance between two sets of lovers as well as a commentary on the battle of the sexes, literally in this case. The women in this movie kick as much ass as the men and so much so at times. The fight choreography is also very splendid with the use of wires actually good in this case.

74. Tootsie (1982)
Directed by Sydney Pollack
Written by Larry Gelbart, Murray Schisgal, Barry Levinson, Elaine May
Starring Dustin Hoffman, Jessica Lange, and Terri Garr
Oscar Nominations: 10 Oscar won: 1 (Best Support Actress Jessica Lange)

The premise of Tootsie is brilliant. If an actor can't get work, how about an actress? I have always had a fascination with the movies about show business because it demands so much out of the actor. They have to be both a new character but if their character is an actor, they often have to be their character as another character. Hoffman does a great job of it here. That is what makes this movie grand is that there are times that Dustin Hoffman's character, Michael Dorsey, disappears into Dorothy Michaels. The most grand part of the movie is as well the dialogue. The most important thing of a good comedy is dialogue. Slapstick only gets you so far, with crappy dialogue, it will fall flat eventually. Then again, I am a writer and I tend to place emphasis on writing.

Next Time: "It's against my programming to impersonate a deity." "Plastics" "Wow, this place is sure full of celebrities. I'm the only one in here I've never heard of."

Taking 20: Death of a Friend

2009-11-11T20:05:00.001-05:00

I grew up in the 90's. It was a dark age to be a comic book fan. That said, there were bright light in those days and I hate it when one goes dark, especially when it's a character I grew up with, one who appealed to me as a right-brain thinker. More after the jump since spoilers ensue.

Kyle Rayner is dead. Who is Kyle Rayner you ask? Kyle Rayner was a Green Lantern, but more than that he was my Green Lantern. Kyle was introduced in the nineties after Hal Jordan, the previous Green Lantern of Earth turned evil. While Hal Jordan had been chosen by the ring because he felt no fear, Kyle was chosen because he was there. Kyle was an ordinary artist, a creative. While Jordan was this guy who could be arrogant, who went through women like Kleenex, Kyle has always been a man who is committed to women. More than that, Kyle always seemed like a more perfect fit for the ring. A green lantern ring reacts to creativity. It is your will made into emerald light. For an artist, that is just power personified because us right brain thinkers, we have mad creativity.

It has sucked to be Kyle though. Unluckily, writers has tended to in recent years hit the character with tragedy like there's no tomorrow. Seriously, let's look at his track record. His first girlfriend was murdered and stuffed in a refrigerator for him to find. His next girlfriend was also murdered (she later got better.). The next one died saving his life. His mother was killed by a sentient virus. He's the universe's punching bag and his death here was no better.

Another problem recently has been that the character has fallen to the wayside. Hal Jordan died in an event called "The Final Night" back in 95 and then was actually brought back a few years ago. This was apparently done because there are not enough vanilla characters out there. Anyway, Kyle was booted from the lead of the Green Lantern comic and was instead put into the supporting cast of Green Lantern Corps, a more ensemble book featuring the Green Lanterns of other worlds. More and more, Hal was featured more than Kyle and I thought that was a shame. This is a guy who was a member of the Justice League and now he's a second stringer because he came later.

In the end, I am vaguely happy with how Kyle died. Kyle died saving lives in a crowning moment of awesome. He took down an nearly impossible to kill enemy, saving countless lives including the woman he now loves. He died with no fear and lived preserving life. To me, that's more of a hero than anyone like Hal Jordan who is kinda vanilla in comparison and has only died saving one planet.

Anyway, as a creative, Kyle has always appealed to me. More than that, he just kinda got drawn into becoming a lantern, it isn't something he actively sought. He's a regular person . Hell, is first thought upon getting the ring was to make a little money by his girlfriend at the time taking pictures while he's in action and selling it to the newspaper. In other words, same as Spider-Man. Kyle was also one of my first introductions to the Green Lantern mythos in another way. The character was featured on the 90's Superman animated series in an episode called "In Brightest Day." It was a great episode and a good introduction to a character that isn't quite a household name.

So, Kyle, you will be missed and hopefully the comic book revolving door brings you back sooner than later in the same good version as you are.

Well, that's enough soul-bearing for now. Let's get back to covering crazy crap on YouTube.

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 79-77

2009-11-11T00:01:00.002-05:00

79. A Mighty Wind (2003)
Directed by Christopher Guest
Written by Christopher Guest & Eugene Levy
Starring loads of people. Just IMDB it, I can't single out 4.
Oscar Nominations: 1

The mockumentary is an art form. Nomrally with a movie, an actor just needs to convince the audience that they're playing a part. In the documentary, they have to convince us that they're something else that's worthy of being filmed. A heavy amount of improv ability is also often needed. Christopher Guest is a master of this. A lot of his work appears on this list. Anyway, what makes this movie truly great that in addition to being hilarious, the music is just phenomenal. I don't much care for folk but A Kiss At The End of the Rainbow is one of my favorite songs of all time. Once again, the actors do all of their own singing so that just makes it all the more awesome because there's no bad lipsyncing. We needs as little of that as possible.

78. Rebel Without a Cause (1955)
Directed and written by Nicholas Ray
Starring James Dean, Natalie Wood, and Sal Mineo
Oscar Nominations: 3

James Dean is a legend. The man did three films and none of them suck. He died young which ensures his legend lives on. Rebel Without a Cause cements that. The story of a troublemaker, his girl, and best friend is a classic. All three leads turn in some of their best performances and the best part is that they sound like real teenagers. Another note of comment is Plato, portrayed by Sal Mineo. Plato is one of the first gay characters to be portrayed with anything resembling decency in Hollywood. He's not a stereotype and the only real problem is that, like in The Children's Hour, he gets killed off. Still, it's all good.

77. Amadeus (1984)
Directed by Milos Forman
Written by Peter Shaffer from his play
Starring F. Murray Abraham, Tom Hulce, Elizabeth Berridge
Oscar Nomination: 11 Wins: 8 (Best Picture, Director, Adapted Screenplay, Actor F. Murray Abraham, Costumes, Art Direction, Makeup, Sound)

I like biopics. As said before, this is not one. That doesn't make it any less powerful though. For starters, unlike many films in the genre, it doesn't seek to put it's subject on a golden pedestal. Instead, it decides that the subject is a flawed human being who sins. A lot. More than that, Amadeus is a story about one man's descent into madness. Salieri is just an awesome character, an actors dream part due to the levels of complexity that he must send out. Another great factor to the movie is the use of Mozart's music. It is part of what makes the movie. Without it, the movie would mean so much less.

Next Time: "Children can be nasty, don't you think?" "A sword by itself rules nothing. It only comes alive in skilled hands." "I don't believe in hell. I believe in unemployment, but not hell."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 82-80

2009-11-10T08:57:00.003-05:00

82. One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961)
Directed by Clyde Geronimi, Hamilton Luske, and Wolfgang Reitherman
Staring the voices of Rod Taylor, Cate Bauer. and Betty Lou Gerson
Written by Bill Pleet from the novel by Dodie Smith
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Frf0d2lFlYE (Couldn't find a video of the trailer that allowed embedding)
One of my favorite Disney movies and just goes to prove that a good villain can make anything better. Cruella De Vil is probably one of the greatest villains of all time and that gives me a great idea I'll have to use later. Anyway, the movie has a lot going for it outside of just Cruella. For starters, there are times that you forget that the dogs are actually dogs simply because of the way that they interact with one another. Another thing is the music. It has some of the best music from the 50's, 60's Disney Era outside of another pick further down the list but I digress. Great movie and it has some awesome moments with a great villain as well.

21. Get Shorty (1996)
Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld
Written by Scott Frank from the novel by Elmore Lenonard
Starring John Travolta, Gene Hackman, Rene Russo, and Danny DeVito

There's just something about this movie. I'm not a big fan of the Gangster movie but I am a big fan of great dialogue so I'll cut this movie some slack. Besides, it has great acting and one of the best long-cons in a movie that I've seen in recent history.Travolta made good use of his Pulp Fiction career revival with this one where he plays a gangster trying to bust into the film producing business, a more legal form of crime. Special note should also go to Gene Hackman's producer character who tries to hard half the time.

80. Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Directed by Frank Oz
Written by Howard Jones from his stage play
Music Composed by Howard Ashman
Staring Rick Morranis, Ellen Greene, and Vincent Gardenia
Oscar Nominations: 1 Oscar Wins: Best Visual Effects

Yes, I like weird movies. I get that. There's something about a musical about a giant green plant from space trying to take over the world that I think rocks. The music is some of the best from 1980's musical theater and Mean Green Mother has a habit of coming up on my iPod a lot for some weird reason. The acting is great and they can sing. Ellen Greene is one of those actresses that I've always liked despite something that makes me think I shouldn't. Her role here as an abused shop worker is one of her best. The same can be said for Rick Morranis, who I can't help but wonder whatever happened to. Seriously, when's the last time anyone has seen him in anything?

Next time: "There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow, More precious than a pot of gold." "Every day I look in the mirror and say 'What? You still here?'" "I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 85-83

2009-11-09T18:40:00.002-05:00

85. Terminator 2:Judgement Day (1991)
Directed by James Cameron
Written by James Cameron and William Wisher Jr.
Starng Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong, and Robert Patrick
Oscar Nominations: 6 Oscar Wins: 4 (Best Visual Effects, Best Sound, Best Make-up, Best Sound Effects Editing)

I'll get it out of the way: Yes, I like the occasional dumb action movie. Let me follow up that with a resounding affirmation of this not being a dumb action movie. In addition to plenty of explosions, this is a movie about thinking., namely about the nature of fate. A major part of the movie is the repeated phrase, "The Future is not yet set." Obviously if it was, evil AIs wouldn't be sending robots into the past. Instead, we get a movie which the message of is that we make out own fates. Another thing the movie touches on is what I call, "The Hitler Time Travel Paradox." Mainly, if you went back in time, would you kill Hitler's mom, a woman who's only fault was birthing a monster, just to change the future. Does saving millions of lives justify cold-blooded murder? The scene between Linda Hamilton's Sarah Conner and Joe Morton's Miles Dyson really drives that point home. So, we have an action movie that's kinda cool and has some things that make you think.

84. South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut (1999)
Directed by Trey Parker
Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Pam Brady
Songs by Trey Parker and Marc Shaiman
Staring the Voices of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Mary Kay Bergman, and Issac Hayes
Oscar Nominations: 1

Yes, this movie, like the series that spawned it, is crude. I will not dispute that in the least bit. That said, like the previous film, it uses that pretense to pull in the audience and then say something, in this case talking about censorship and people taking responsibility rather than blaming everything on someone else. The movie doesn't shy away from being obscene but it also admits itself for being what it is: Foul but sweet underneath. The music is some of the best Shaiman has written with La Resistance being very reminiscent of Les Mis at times. I recommend this movie but also know it won't be everyone's cup of tea.

83. Wonder Boys (2000)
Directed by Curtis Hanson
Written by Steven Cloves from the novel by Michael Chabon
Staring Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, Frances McDormand, and Robert Downey Jr.
Oscar Nominations: 3 Oscar Wins: 1 (Best Original Song)

I am a writer. Above all I am a writer. That said, this movie speaks to me as one who has a vague case of writer's block for the past year or so. It happens. Anyway, Michael Douglas's character is a novelist with issues. His most recent book is currently sitting at about 2000 odd pages and no where near done. He's sleeping with his bosses wife. A student is following him around. Complete chaos. The movie is funny and touching at both times and I truly believe Douglas should have been nominated for this movie, if not won. A movie for writer's, the book is better, but still worth a rental and a trip to the library.

Next Time: "I live for furs, I worship furs." "Movie stars never pick up the check. They have no idea what things cost. Most of them don't know their zip code and a lot don't even know their own phone number." "Wait for me, Audrey. This is between me and the vegetable!"

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 88-86

2009-11-06T09:39:00.002-05:00

88. Chasing Amy (1997)
Directed and Written by Kevin Smith
Starring Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, and Jason Lee

I like Kevin Smith. I really do. What he did here was a very personal film that is both emotional and funny. That and it has a bit to do with the comic book industry which, if you know me, I am primarily a comic book geek but I digress. This movie works on multiple levels. It works as a character piece, studying human sexuality. It works as a comedy, with stuff that anyone could laugh at. It works as a human drama about two people falling in love. I don't know, there's just something about this movie that keeps me interested.

87. The Omen (1976)
Directed by Richard Donner
Written by David Seltzer
Starring Gregory Peck, Lee Remick, David Warner, and Patrick Troughton
Oscars Nominated: 2 Oscars won: 1 (Best Score)

Here's the difference between horror movies then and horror movies now. Now, we get blood, gore, carnage candy. In the 70's on the other hand, it was all psychological. Evil was not just something attacking us from the outside, it's something that attack within at anything, including our children. That is why The Omen is such an effective horror movie. We get tons of hints that Damien is evil but he's also a little child so he seems innocent. He couldn't be. Another great part of the horror is that Damien never directly kills anyone. Everything is an accident. True evil doesn't leave evidence. In fact, in the series (there were two more movies in the franchise) Damien only directly murders about one or two people. Anyway, the movie is helped along by using great actors like Gregory Peck who turn in performances that really enhance the feeling of dread that the audience should be experiencing. The final image of the film is a killer.

86. Gosford Park (2001)
Directed by Robert Altman
Written by Julian Fellowes
Starring Way too many people. Check it's IMDB page. Maggie Smith and Helen Mirren rock in it though.
Oscar Nominations: 7 (Including Best Picture) Oscars Won: 1 (Best Original Screenplay)

I love Robert Altman. He's one of those director's that is truly an actor's Director. What he does here is epic. There are about 10 subplots going around an hunting weekend at a pre-WW2 British Manor when someone gets murdered. What makes this movie remarkable is that the movie is really about the servants. There is not a scene in the movie without any of the servants at least in the frame. This is a movie that demands to be watched with the subtitles on. You don't and you might miss a piece of dialogue here or there. The best part is you expect the movie to be snobby and intellectual but there is some terrific humor in it. Maggie Smith's character probably deals out enough one liners that I have troubles picking out one I like the most. The movie gets extra points because who did it isn't going to necessarily be evident upon watching it the first time but that's what makes it awesome because it all makes sense.

Next Time: "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." We must blame them and cause a fuss/Before somebody thinks of blaming us!" "Trust me, James, when the family pet's been assassinated, the owner doesn't want to hear one of her students was the trigger man."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 91-89

2009-11-05T13:29:00.004-05:00

First off, made a change so one of the hints yesterday no longer means anything. No biggie. Anyway, here we go.

91. Ghostbusters (1984)
Directed by Ivan Reitman
Written by Harold Ramis and Dan Aykroyd
Starring Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, and Sigourney Weaver
Oscar Nominations: 2

One of the all time greatest comedies and best contributions to cinema from the eighties. I personally love Ghostbusters mainly because it's silly but it's also good science-fiction. I personally think the movie is helped by the fact that it is well-acted, has some great one-liners, and is also very intelligent at times. I dunno what it is about the movie that makes me think of it as being as awesome as it is. I would have to guess it's just that we don't get movies this good anymore that can scare you one moment and make you truly laugh the next. Plus, it has one of the few genuinely good sequels to ever come along.

90. Clue (1985)
Directed and written by Jonathon Lynn
Starring Tim Curry, Madeline Khan, Martin Null, and Michael McKean

I grew up with Clue and it's one of those rare movies I can watch and repeat every line. I know. I've done it. The writing is very sharp and it is one of those great send-ups of the closed circle mystery movie. The novel part is when you would go to see the movie in the trailer, you would end up watching one of the three endings at random. We're spoiled because the home video release includes all three and even tell you which one is the most likely but still, all could work with minimal plot holes. Once again, the one liners are the key here. They just work well between the ensemble cast and none of them seem particularly forced.

89. Carrie (1976)
Directed by Brian De Palma
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen from the novel by Stephen King
Starring Sissy Spacek, Piper Laurie, Betty Buckley, and John Travolta
Oscar Nominations: 2

Carrie isn't just a movie about a telekinetic teenager who kills everyone at her high school prom. It's a movie about a girl becoming a woman, it's about a teenager who is physically abused by her mother, and it's about growing up. It just happens to involve mass murder as well, but oh well. The performances by Spacek and Laurie are some of the best I've ever seen in a horror movie, in particular Piper Laurie's but then again, she is one of my favorite actresses so who knows, I might be biased. It gets bonus points for inspiring the musical that came after that is infamous for a reason.

Next time: "If this is a crush, I don't think I could take it if the real thing ever happened." "It's all for you!" "Aw, it's a pity, really. I thought it was a good idea to have someone in the house who is actually sorry he's dead."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 94-92

2009-11-04T07:40:00.002-05:00

94. Misery (1990)
Directed by Rob Reiner
Written by William Goldman from the novel by Stephen King
Starring James Caan, Kathy Bates, and Richard Farnsworth
Oscar Nominations: 1 (Best actress, Kathy Bates. Won)

This why I am scared of ever being successful: That someone would kidnap me and keep me locked up in their house. Based off of one of Stephen King's less supernatural novels, the fear here is very human, very base.James Caan is a writer who has killed off he heroine of his best-selling series and just wrote his first novel he's really proud of. His car goes off the road and he's "rescued" by Kathy Bates, his number-one fan. One of the reason I really love this movie is Kathy Bates' performance. On one hand, she is a psychopathic murder. On the other hand, her tone of voice when it comes to her craft is just beautiful. The suspense is another plus. There are a number of scenes where you don't know what's happening but the sense of dread just builds rapidly. The ending is a little over the top but understandable.

93. The Hours (1992)
Directed by Stephen Daldry
Written by David Hare from the novel by Michael Cunningham
Starring Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, and Meryl Streep
Oscar Nominations: 9 Wins: 1 (Best Actress, Nicole Kidman)

A woman's life in one day. Three different women, three different time periods. all of their lives connected by Virginia Woolf's "Mrs. Dalloway". Nicole Kidman is the suicidal author of the novel. Julianne Moore is a depressed 1950's housewife reading the novel. Meryl Streep is a modern lesbian in New York living the novel. All three put in great performances deserving of awards. The three performances are what make this movie and, partially, what make this so depressing (The Phillip Glass soundtrack is depressing and beautiful most of the time as well.) There are some moments of the Meryl Streep portion that seem kinda iffy but overall, the themes of what a woman's life is run deep through the story and while a large part of the movie has to do with suicide, it is also a hopeful movie at times.

92. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)
Directed by Jim Sharman
Written by Jim Sharman and Richard O'Brien from his Stage Play, The Rocky Horror Show
Starring Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, and Barry Bostwick

What is there to say about The Rocky Horror Picture Show? It's one of those movies where you either love it or don't but it definitely isn't boring. It's the grandfather of all midnight movies and should be thanked for that. The movie stars Curry as a mad scientist from the planet Transylvania on the night he makes his creation, Rocky, a muscular blond Frankenstein. Sarandon and Bostwick are a couple who's car broke down and they get drawn into matters. All of the songs are catchy, my favorite being the ending Floor Show.

Next time: "Who you going to call?" "Thanks to the silver screen your neurosis has got style." "They're all gonna laugh at you."

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 97-95

2009-11-03T08:52:00.003-05:00

97. Heathers (1989)
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Written by Daniel Waters
Starring Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, Shannen Doherty

A fantastic black comedy about high school love, life, and suicide. It feels like a John Hughes movie if it was directed by Tim Burton and there are plenty of moments where you feel guilty for laughing but at the same time, why bother. The basic premises is Ryder's character is a part of the most popular clique is school, the Heathers, named so because with the exception of Ryder's character, they're all named Heather. Winona accidentally kills one of them and she and her boyfriend make it look like suicide. This sets off a chain of events leading to other deaths and one of my favorite lines in a movie ever, "I love my dead gay son!"

96. The Children's Hour
Directed by William Wyler
Written by John Michael Hayes from the play by Lillian Hellman
Starring Audrey Hepburn, Shirley Maclaine and James Garner
Oscar Nominations: 5

For me, this is one of those movies I can watch when I want to feel something. It's incredibly emotional and demonstrates something of Hollywood's "morality" before the 70's. The movie is about two college friends who start a private school. A bratty girl gets angry with them and starts a rumor that the two are involved in a relationship with each other. The rest of the film is the deterioration of their lives because of a single lie. The ending really hits you and embodied the trope of Bury your Gays.

95. Repo: The Genetic Opera (2008)
Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman
Written by Darren Smith and Terrance Zdunich
Starring: Anthony Stewart Head, Alexa Vega, and Paul Sorvino

What we have here is if Saw and Moulin Rouge had a baby and it didn't suck. A post-apocalyptic rock opera about organ failure, some of the moments are very iffy at best but it's made up for by the performances by it's leads and their voices. This is another hard to describe plots because there are about four plot threads running through but oh well. Look it up on wiki.

Next time: "I'm your biggest fan." "Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself." "Don't dream it, be it!"

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): 10-98

2009-11-02T13:01:00.004-05:00

100. Election (1999)
Directed by Alexander Payne
Written by Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor
Starring Matthew Broderick, Reese Witherspoon, and Chris Klein
Oscar Nominations: 1 (Best Adapted Screenplay)

Election is a perfect satire of the American Political system and psychotic, single-minded obsession. The movie speaks to me mainly for those reasons. Reese Witherspoon, an actress I am usually uncaring about, puts in a great performance as Tracy Flick, a single-minded high school senior who just wants to win student council president at any cost. Matthew Broderick is the teacher trying to stop her, in this case banking on the people to vote for the stupid, popular Chris Klein. It's far from a perfect movie but it's still rather funny and a good send-up of over-achievers and their place in our culture.

99. Immortal Beloved (1994)
Directed and written by Bernard Rose
Starring Gary Oldman and Jeroen Krabbe

This movie is not very historically inaccurate but neither are most biopics. Instead, it's a gorgeous use of Beethoven's music and well acted to boot. The main premise is a man's search for the "Immortal Beloved" a figure who appears in a few love letters penned by the master. What ensues is also mystery and romance. I could go into it further but that entails spoilers and there are only a few movies that I'm going to do that here. Worth a rental.

98. What's Up Doc? (1972)
Directed by Peter Bogdanovich
Written by Peter Bogdanovich, Buck Henry, David Newman, and Robert Benton
Staring Barbra Streisand, Ryan O'Neil, and Madeline Khan

A send-up of the screwball comedies of the golden age of Hollywood. It also features my diva but that's beside the point. A genuinely hilarious film, the plot is hard to synopsize because it goes all over the place because of some of the conventions it indulges in including mistaken identity, romance, and musical rocks. Seriously, it is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen and definitely a treat. Another important note is that includes the first major motion picture appearance of Madeline Khan, a woman that left us too soon. But more on her later.

Next time: Teenage Suicide, Don't do it; One of the worst children in cinema history; and something that comes in a little glass vial.

Bardic Knowledge: Love Never Dies

2009-11-01T22:37:00.006-05:00

First off, a reminder that I will be starting my top 100 list tomorrow. That is something that I am going to try to stick to and it should be up sometime in the afternoon at the latest.

That said, a rant. I am a fan of musicals. I am gay after all, it's hardwired in there plus I do have a past in theater. That said, sequels tend not to be so good in the theater world. So, hearing that a truly great musical like Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera is getting a sequel, Love Never Dies. Really? Yeah, it's happening. After close to a a decade of threats, it's finally happening in 2010.

The plot follows something like this: The Phantom has escaped to New York where he has basically became the designer of Coney Island's many famous attractions. The Giry's are also there for no good reason. Anyway, The Phantom lures Christine, Raoul, and their son to New York and hijinks ensue. Now, I have problems with this plot. First off, let's assume Christine is still one of the leading Divas of the Opéra Populaire. Why would she do a gig at a relatively unknown overseas landmark? She can do much better, at least doing The Met.

I have some problems with Lloyd Webber overall. The man ruined Broadway for many years and his works are kinda overrated. I am a huge fan of Phantom and Sunset BLVD. but the second one is partially because of my feelings on the source material. Other than that, they helped set in place the British mega-musical where spectacle was always a good substitute for a great show. This feeling has continued to this day. Even great musicals like Wicked have gimmicks. When you think of Phantom, you think of the Chandelier, Miss Saigon had that helicopter, Wicked has the Time Dragon, and Les Mis had the spinning wheel of actor nausea.

Overall, Andrew Lloyd Webber has been going down hill for a few years. None of his shows have lasted all that long since Phantom. Sunset was the last one to actually experience a realm of critical success. Overall, it's kinda annoying to me that a man can be treated like a success all these years when he has a few huge successes then the second half of his career has been rather unremarkable *cough*Coppola*cough*. Where was I? Oh yeah, anyway, I'm reserving judgment on this piece of something but I'm not going to be counting on something perfect.

The Top 100 Movie List (A Very Biased List): Prologue

2009-10-10T19:24:00.003-04:00

For those of you that have been following Will for many years, you will remember my top 10 Lists from the school new paper entitled "The Very Biased List." I as well did a previous top 100 list in my former newsletter, The Semi-Daily Rant of the Day. So, in an attempt at getting myself into a regular blogging form, I am reviving both concepts as part of a two month long exercise in masochism.

Here's the deal, starting on November 2nd, each day I will be posting three movies from the list in sequential order, starting with number 100. This will go on until November 30th when I'll be switching over to two a day starting with number 40 when I switch to a two a day format, partially because I start feeling lazy and partially because I'll just have more to talk about. Finally, on the 21st I'll move to one a day for the top 10 with number one being announced on the first. By the way, this will hopefully not interfere with the Christmas Experiment this year. THat might inspire some insanity of it's own so I'll just write number six in advance.

Any questions, ask away or e-mail me at crystal_tuxedo@yahoo.com. Thank you.

Taking 20: Relationships

2009-08-01T23:43:00.004-04:00

As stated in the last Taking 20 segment, this will get personal. I'm sorry but it will.

Will is single. He has been single for a few years. It's something that he has come to grips with. He also likes to refer to himself in the third person on occasion. It makes it easier to look at myself because I can think of myself as a subject rather than being trully introspective. It's not healthy but like I really care. So, anyway, I was thinking about it and I really do feel alone sometimes. It isn't so much about needing someone to love as needing someone to connect to. I hate to get all geeky but I can heavily sympathize with the Tenth Doctor. So, how does a being that can travel through space and time relate to Will's life?

The Tenth Doctor, as played by David Tennant, is the title character from Doctor Who. The character is the last of his people, an alien race known as the Time Lords. Throughout the speies, one of the underlying themes is the Doctor connecting to people then fate, time, etc. stealing them from him, leaving him alone. THis is how I often feel. I try to connect to people but they always just end up leaving me in the end and I'm just there, by myself again. I've lost count of the amount of times I have spent at home, alone on a Saturday night watching TV, not that I have much reason to count these things.

Part of this is my own fault. I don't go out of my way to encounter life, I don't try to live. I let it all happen to me instead of grasping it. Right now, I feel like I'm drifting and there is no land is sight. I need to learn the code behind it all, the meaning. I need to look farther. I need to make sense rather than just free-writing. It's all just crushing me down but I need to push past that. I need to connect. I need to, I dunno, stop needing other people I guess. I really don't know. I want something more really, that's all. Is that that bad?

Well, that's enough soul-bearing for now. Let's get back to covering crazy crap on YouTube next time.