So, I got bored the other day and read some archives of my old newsletter, The Semi-Daily Rant of the Day and I realized something: I used to have an anger problem. I mean, really had one. I know I had some issues but I didn't think it was that bad. For that matter, I read some of my old blog on Livejournal and I think I only got worse. I think I'm a better person now than I used to be but I never know. I like to think that if I was getting bad with my emotions that someone would tell me. I guess it all comes down to one thing: who I am.
I've put up with a lot of stuff in my years. I know my breakdowns in high school were mainly due to never quite being able to be who I was. I could be but not very openly and I did some stuff that I regret now to forget about my worries. It also didn't help that I had to live under the roof of a man that is one of the few human beings that I truly hate in this universe and I couldn't say anything because I wanted my mom to be happy. Quite frankly, when I said and told people I couldn't wait for college, I meant it. I mean, I really meant it.
College has been not quite what I thought it would be. Everything went swell until my sophomore year. That's when the crap hit the fan. I got involved with someone that didn't really care that much about me back so I don't talk to him anymore. However, this caused problems in the long run because, I'll admit, I only recently got over him. It took me four years to get over one scumbag. Seriously. I also had some people stop talking to me because of small mistakes on my part that I didn't quite understand. I stopped trying to figure out that shit a long while ago. Finally, this is about the same time that I really first thought to myself, "Why?"
Yeah, "Why?" is an odd question. It's loaded and means little but to me, "Why?" meant that I was wondering why I was born, why I'm here, and why am I constantly fucking up my own life. However, I have come to realize that "Why?" is not a valid question. Being an English major told me that. Every question needs a basis, nothing is concrete in this world, and reality is subjective. My psyche is better. I can lean on the friends I have and occasionally let them lean on me.
Sure, I am by no means a better human being now than I was then. I am still about the same sarcastic, cynical, idiot I was 10 years ago when I started high school but at least I can look at myself and decide I'm worth it as a human being. I can do pretty well and, sure, I still am easily irritated and have developed something of a stutter when I get frustrated but it's all good. I have good feelings about the impending future and, hey, I might meet someone awesome who doesn't mind that I can get mad at times and will call me on my shit. That's the dream really.
Well, that's enough soul-bearing for now. Let's get back to covering crazy crap on YouTube next time.
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