Viewing Thoughts: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is my favorite Christmas Movie of all time. It's just perfect for me. I'm the guy who tries to plan stuff out then get slightly peeved when it fails. Best laid plans. That s the story of my life. I make plans and they fall to pieces eventually. I was supposed to be done with college in 2007 and be on my way to being a successful writer. Now, not so much. I can't do anything right but I still think I might. I am Clark Griswold. The universe conspires against me but I keep on trooping forward. I'm just going to stop and say this movie is awesome.
Late Christmas Idea: Still waiting on those moose drinking goblets. Other than that, I wish everyone had a Merry Christmas or something.
Final Tally:
Moutain Dews Consumed: 5
Amps Consumed: 1
Cups of Coffee: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: There was never a pumpkin pie. YOU LIE!!! I did not eat it all!
Sanity Rating (1 being taking my shower then passing out, 10 being staying up and talking to awesome people) : 6
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 21 & 22-ish
Viewing Thoughts: Two of my favorite sitcoms and Doctor Who. Don't expect much commentary.
Community: Watching Community. It's being done in Stop-Motion animation.This is one of those shows you should be watching. The episode is a celebration of the Christmas Special. The character of Abed, despite being Muslim, loves the Christmas season and he goes looking for the meaning of Christmas. However, no one else can see it as well. They work off of the Christmas Tropes and use them effectively. If you're like me and watch a lot of Christmas Specials, this is heaven.
Really, I would watch this special. It is a self-aware Christmas Special. It recognizes itself for what it is and embraces it. We need more specials like this.
30 Rock: The 30 Rock Christmas episode from this year is good but it's not as worth gushing over. It does get most of the dysfunction of Christmas with the family but I have Christmas Vacation for that. Liz Lemon rocks. 'nuff said!
Doctor Who: Nothing specific but this may be the most gorgeous episode of the new series and one of the best written. I'm not done yet but still, terrific. Really, it's an episode with elements of Dickens, Christmas, and it's just beautiful. Also, funny and great action. You should be watching Doctor Who. This was only the best episode of the New Series.
Notable Commercials: There's a Musinex commercial where a young phlegm wad is talkingabout everything that Musinex prevents. He's voiced Qubert Fansrworth. Random Observation.
Late Christmas Ideas: Either a TARDIS or some other space/time distillation device. I'd settle for a vortex manipulator really.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 20
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/6th left.
Sanity Rating (1 being solid time, 10 being Wibbledy-Wobbledy, Timey-Wimey.): 4
Community: Watching Community. It's being done in Stop-Motion animation.This is one of those shows you should be watching. The episode is a celebration of the Christmas Special. The character of Abed, despite being Muslim, loves the Christmas season and he goes looking for the meaning of Christmas. However, no one else can see it as well. They work off of the Christmas Tropes and use them effectively. If you're like me and watch a lot of Christmas Specials, this is heaven.
Really, I would watch this special. It is a self-aware Christmas Special. It recognizes itself for what it is and embraces it. We need more specials like this.
30 Rock: The 30 Rock Christmas episode from this year is good but it's not as worth gushing over. It does get most of the dysfunction of Christmas with the family but I have Christmas Vacation for that. Liz Lemon rocks. 'nuff said!
Doctor Who: Nothing specific but this may be the most gorgeous episode of the new series and one of the best written. I'm not done yet but still, terrific. Really, it's an episode with elements of Dickens, Christmas, and it's just beautiful. Also, funny and great action. You should be watching Doctor Who. This was only the best episode of the New Series.
Notable Commercials: There's a Musinex commercial where a young phlegm wad is talkingabout everything that Musinex prevents. He's voiced Qubert Fansrworth. Random Observation.
Late Christmas Ideas: Either a TARDIS or some other space/time distillation device. I'd settle for a vortex manipulator really.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 20
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/6th left.
Sanity Rating (1 being solid time, 10 being Wibbledy-Wobbledy, Timey-Wimey.): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 19 & 20
Viewing Thoughts: After the recent insanity, I need to watch something wonderful. I'm watching Scrooged. I need to laugh! It's like the best version of A Christmas Carol from the last few years. It succeeds on so many levels. It is definitely a product of it's time. It should be taught along with the Wall Street in a class on the Eighties in Film in showing the culture of the time. It's also wrothy because by the very nature of the movie, it's important that Frank be aware of th
First off, Bill Murray is an excellent Scrooge. He has the gradual regret change in his attitude towards the season. A trace of the old Frank (the character's name in the movie) but his change of hearts happens naturally. It's common for the change of heart to only come after Scrooge is confronted with his mortality. It should be something already happening at that point. The other strength of this movie is that it's not one ghost after another. We have a gap between them for Frank to start trying to change over his life until the next ghost appears.
Any adaptation of A Christmas Carol succeeds or fails on its ghosts. Our Marley archtype is a creepy introduction to the world but the Ghost of Christmas Past is seedy and screwed up but he's also suitably good at showing introspection. The Ghost of Christmas Present is hilarious. She smacks the sense into you. Really, I love her because she's playful but also caring. She hits you with kindness.The most important is the GHost of Christmas Yet To Come since he has to be scary but also capable of emoting. Just everything of him is creepy but that creepiness it just kinda awesome.
For that matter, Cratchett is split into two roles. On one hand we have Gloria, Frank's assistant. Gloria has some of the little parts like the family and being the mother of our Tiny Tim analogue. She's also made of awesome. We also have Eliot Loudermark who's the one who gets fired. Unlike the original where Bob Cratchett takes everything in stridem Eliot tries for revenge and it adds a great element to the movie. We feel that Frank is in real danger most of the time.
Early Christmas Ideas: Time Travel so I can go and slap myself very time I'm about to say the wrong thing. I have a problem with that and its not something I like doing at all.
Notable Commercials: When did Corocodile Dundee become an American Movie Classic and why is AMC advertising a marathon of the two films for tomorrow. For that matter, when did two movies in a row become a marathon?
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 20
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating (1 being Black Swan's dancing, 10 being Showgirl's "choreography"): 5
Any adaptation of A Christmas Carol succeeds or fails on its ghosts. Our Marley archtype is a creepy introduction to the world but the Ghost of Christmas Past is seedy and screwed up but he's also suitably good at showing introspection. The Ghost of Christmas Present is hilarious. She smacks the sense into you. Really, I love her because she's playful but also caring. She hits you with kindness.The most important is the GHost of Christmas Yet To Come since he has to be scary but also capable of emoting. Just everything of him is creepy but that creepiness it just kinda awesome.
For that matter, Cratchett is split into two roles. On one hand we have Gloria, Frank's assistant. Gloria has some of the little parts like the family and being the mother of our Tiny Tim analogue. She's also made of awesome. We also have Eliot Loudermark who's the one who gets fired. Unlike the original where Bob Cratchett takes everything in stridem Eliot tries for revenge and it adds a great element to the movie. We feel that Frank is in real danger most of the time.
Early Christmas Ideas: Time Travel so I can go and slap myself very time I'm about to say the wrong thing. I have a problem with that and its not something I like doing at all.
Notable Commercials: When did Corocodile Dundee become an American Movie Classic and why is AMC advertising a marathon of the two films for tomorrow. For that matter, when did two movies in a row become a marathon?
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 20
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating (1 being Black Swan's dancing, 10 being Showgirl's "choreography"): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 17 & 18
Viewing Thoughts: These two hours are wildly different. One is one of my favorite shows and one is the most insane things I have seen in my entire life. Yeah...
I obviously love pain. We're watching Maralee Dawn Christmas, a puppet show on the Christian Children's Network. A giant dog is driving a bus and I don't have any booze in me to make this good. Some annoying puppet kids talk to a human woman named Maralee. She talks about a mountain pass. And then a Robot talks to a guy on the bus who can't act on the bus. I.... I don't know know what's happening!!!
Some random girl shows up and is lured into the house to play with the puppets and help decorate the tree. This girl should be scared for her life. Random Girl is a foster kid and the male puppet looks down on her. He gets lectured on it. Foster Girl hugs boy puppet and singing happens. I'm scared for my soul and this thing sleeps in my room!
Anyway, the girl puppet rants about something and everyone is scared for the bus. I don't know what the heck is going on any,ore. Also, the Foster Girl learns to sing, "Jesus Loves me" from the girl puppet. And Marelee isn't even pretending to be a good ventriloquist. Boy puppet has some idea abd suddenly we're in a blue sphere and puppets talk to kids and sing and I don't know. Then boy puppet is washing a toilet with his sister's toothbrush. I don't even pretend to know what's happening.
The Robot somehow sees what videos are being accessed. I want to break that robot. Marelee shows up with Hot Chocolate and Marelee talks about the Christmas story. She doesn't bring up that there are four different versions in the bible. Just saying. We're back to boy puppet, apparently he has a bullfrog teacher or something. I want to drink, there's an echo or something and they know that he's contacting the bus. Then they break into song about Angels doing God's biddings. Huh. Heavy snow starts hitting.
Back on the bus, more bad acting. Back with the little girls, we get a Gospel Elvis Impersonator followed by a song about friendship. I NEED AN ADULT! Foster girl learns that her foster mom cares about her. Her real mom is someplace it's implied I'm guessing jail for stabbing a john.
And now there's an unauthorized Charlie and the Chocolate Factory crossover. The puppet boy looks at Chocolate and can't make up his mind. I blame bad editing. Then we get a clip about a basement and it's being investigated by a mentally challenged puppet. I can't take this much longer WHO WATCHES THIS SHOW? Seriously, I miss Superbook for my children's Christian Television programming from when I was a kid. Anyway, getting the videos back apparently means everyone's alright and they decipher to check low frequency signals. We have some unrehearsed setting of a nativity scene. Foster Girl never heard the story of Christmas and is told to read the book since it's full of great stories. Don't forget about chapters of just genealogy. You need to know all of the children of Bethshaba!
Anyway, the bus shows up and there are real people there now. No one thinks anything of the crazy woman holding some puppets. Maybe they're just polite and wishing the bus had stalled. I don't know really. I just know it's over.
Iron Chef America: Tonight's episode is Paula Deen and Cat Cora vs Tyler Florence and Robert Irvine in Battle Sugar. Obviously it's very slanted in Paula's favor. I find Paula Deen interesting. She can be annoying but she's from from the worst on this show. Also, Tina Fey is a judge on this episode. I love Tina Fey. I would marry Tina Fey or at least hang out with her for awhile. Paula wins and I feel hungry which is not a good thing.
Late Christmas Ideas: Lots of pans for cooking. I want to do some cooking. Also, wouldn't mind having my sanity back. I miss my sanity.
Notable Commercials:So many ads for Clearance events and I really don't care on any of them. Seriously, I don't even remotely care. I mean, Wal-Mart is being really aggressive about it.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 Being Will's normal stupidty and 10 being an advanced form of super-stupidity): 7
I obviously love pain. We're watching Maralee Dawn Christmas, a puppet show on the Christian Children's Network. A giant dog is driving a bus and I don't have any booze in me to make this good. Some annoying puppet kids talk to a human woman named Maralee. She talks about a mountain pass. And then a Robot talks to a guy on the bus who can't act on the bus. I.... I don't know know what's happening!!!
Some random girl shows up and is lured into the house to play with the puppets and help decorate the tree. This girl should be scared for her life. Random Girl is a foster kid and the male puppet looks down on her. He gets lectured on it. Foster Girl hugs boy puppet and singing happens. I'm scared for my soul and this thing sleeps in my room!
Anyway, the girl puppet rants about something and everyone is scared for the bus. I don't know what the heck is going on any,ore. Also, the Foster Girl learns to sing, "Jesus Loves me" from the girl puppet. And Marelee isn't even pretending to be a good ventriloquist. Boy puppet has some idea abd suddenly we're in a blue sphere and puppets talk to kids and sing and I don't know. Then boy puppet is washing a toilet with his sister's toothbrush. I don't even pretend to know what's happening.
The Robot somehow sees what videos are being accessed. I want to break that robot. Marelee shows up with Hot Chocolate and Marelee talks about the Christmas story. She doesn't bring up that there are four different versions in the bible. Just saying. We're back to boy puppet, apparently he has a bullfrog teacher or something. I want to drink, there's an echo or something and they know that he's contacting the bus. Then they break into song about Angels doing God's biddings. Huh. Heavy snow starts hitting.
Back on the bus, more bad acting. Back with the little girls, we get a Gospel Elvis Impersonator followed by a song about friendship. I NEED AN ADULT! Foster girl learns that her foster mom cares about her. Her real mom is someplace it's implied I'm guessing jail for stabbing a john.
And now there's an unauthorized Charlie and the Chocolate Factory crossover. The puppet boy looks at Chocolate and can't make up his mind. I blame bad editing. Then we get a clip about a basement and it's being investigated by a mentally challenged puppet. I can't take this much longer WHO WATCHES THIS SHOW? Seriously, I miss Superbook for my children's Christian Television programming from when I was a kid. Anyway, getting the videos back apparently means everyone's alright and they decipher to check low frequency signals. We have some unrehearsed setting of a nativity scene. Foster Girl never heard the story of Christmas and is told to read the book since it's full of great stories. Don't forget about chapters of just genealogy. You need to know all of the children of Bethshaba!
Anyway, the bus shows up and there are real people there now. No one thinks anything of the crazy woman holding some puppets. Maybe they're just polite and wishing the bus had stalled. I don't know really. I just know it's over.
Iron Chef America: Tonight's episode is Paula Deen and Cat Cora vs Tyler Florence and Robert Irvine in Battle Sugar. Obviously it's very slanted in Paula's favor. I find Paula Deen interesting. She can be annoying but she's from from the worst on this show. Also, Tina Fey is a judge on this episode. I love Tina Fey. I would marry Tina Fey or at least hang out with her for awhile. Paula wins and I feel hungry which is not a good thing.
Late Christmas Ideas: Lots of pans for cooking. I want to do some cooking. Also, wouldn't mind having my sanity back. I miss my sanity.
Notable Commercials:So many ads for Clearance events and I really don't care on any of them. Seriously, I don't even remotely care. I mean, Wal-Mart is being really aggressive about it.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 Being Will's normal stupidty and 10 being an advanced form of super-stupidity): 7
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 15 & 16
Viewing Thoughts: I like pain apparently. Why? I'm watching an ABC Family Movie called Holiday in Handcuffs and I want to kill myself two minutes in. Melissa Joan Hart start this movie by saying she's not crazy. Yeah, that's encouraging. She picks up Mario Lopex on the side of the road who calls her the devil. No, she's just a witch. We flashback to her getting ready for her day earlier that day. Her phone rings and her horrible shrew of a mother calls about some get together. I hope she gets burnt at the stake. Horrible Shrew gets naggy about hair, Melissa messes her up so she wears an ugly hair and gets a man into a car wreck.
Melissa misses her job interview and horrible receptionist has her thrown out. Everyone is varying shades of horrible in this movie, right down to stupid kids at her job. She then goes off on her boyfriend at work who's a crappy guy who wanted to sleep with her. Mario Lopez shows up with a proposal ring and Melissa has the crazy eyes going on as the music of insanity begins. She looks around and uses her dark magic to Avada Kedavra everyone within twenty miles. Actually her mother calls, shrews it up, and Melissa kidnaps Mario Lopez with a gun. Mario's girlfriend shows up an crazy Melissa drags him into her car. Girlfriend has bitch potential. Mario says he'll escape.
Back to the crazy bunch. Mario figures out Melissa gets dumped. They stop for gas and an old man wants to pump his gas. He sees tied up Mario and brings Melissa padded handcuffs. She continues to be some kinda insane. I want to kill myself. I hope they die horribly. I hope this entire thing ends in fiery death for all involved. So, yeah, I'm a little crazy also. Melissa shows up at home and her mom says she has porn star hair. ABC Family, a Perverted Kind of Family. Melissa tells the family that sometimes when Mario gets embarrassed, he yells that he's getting kidnapped. They fall for it because they are stupid beyond all human belief. Dad thinks she might be a lesbian. The girls go off, Dad looks at Mario like he's listing after him. Mario tries to run away. No such luck there since Melissa has all the keys and they're at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. More people show up in the crazy bunch. Melissa is apparently not the only one who is insane in this family. They're all insane and stupid as all hell. Melissa and Mario share bunk beds. I wonder when we hit the point that they get together. Melissa is the Keymaster so she has all the keys and cell phones. Soon Zuul will show up and Gozer will be summoned to this plane of reality. They'll know what it is to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
Melissa sleeps as Mario plans his thrilling escape. I give him a half hour before he's in love with her. Also, the family isn't suspicious that Mario brought no change of clothing. He runs as Melissa drives to pick him up which is where we started. I might add we had some annoying voice over up to this point. Melissa gets a call from her waitress friend. Mario tries to get to steal her phone but gets grabbed by Shrewish Mom. Mario tries to steal it from her but then she notices the meat tenderizer. Is she going to murder him? No, she murders her phone. Shrewish mom can't find her olive oil so Mario and Gay Daddy go to get it.
Girl talk, boring so we skip to Mario and Gay Daddy. They end up at pervy gas station from earlier and he believes that they're a couple now. All levels of wrong in this movie. So many levels of wrong to this movie. Meanwhile, Grandma shows up and it's Carol Brady. AWESOME! May Carol save the movie. Grandma hits on Mario when he ruins his pants and Mario gets ahold of a phone Let's see how the incredible random happistence happens this time.
Drunken crazy happens as Mario calls his girlfriend. Hes able to tell her he got kidnapped. Mario then decides to be an awesome boyfriend so when everyone find out, they'll be devastated. They're both crazy. Good to know. Gay Daddy hits on Mario some as the worst parents ever try to embarrass Melissa as much as possible. Mario tries to put the angel on the top of the tree as Melissa feels the pangs of homicidal rage.. Everyone seems to love him more. She is probably thinking of burning the cabin to the ground.
Carol Brady talks about acting and Melissa storms off. She's all levels of anti-social nutball here. She voices what we all know and everyone falls in love with Mario. Why do I think the entire family is going to try to jump him by the end of the night. Complaints about Christmas lists as they get drunk. This is going to end in sex. If it doesn't, I'll be surprised. Regardless, they're ending up together. It's a cliche for a reason. They hide the booze. So sex happens.
Yuppy Girlfriend at the police office.She reports a kidnapping. Meh.
Carol Brady is getting nice and drunk Christmas Morning. Mom gives everyone on Earth what they're doing for Christmas including forcing Melissa and Mario to play Ice Hockey. They bond some more since Mario isn't a yuppy by birth or something. I miss when Melissa was being crazy every five seconds. They're both being normal. This is getting boring. Missletoe, the two kiss, ugh.
Yuppy Girlfriend and the police (a great name for a band) show up at the restaurant.
Awkward conversation between Mom and Melissa about sex and marriage. Mario looks at some of Melissa's painting. Apparently he's impressed. I don't know why but I think he's a connoisseur of terrible art. Everyone gets crappy presents. The Parents tell Meslissa she needs to get her head out of the clouds. Mario says she's a good artist and proposes. Really?
Mom can't wait to start planning the wedding. She tells people to get changed. Melissa apologizes about being insane and promises to let him go tomorrow. I hope let go means dump his body in the river. I miss the crazy. She talks to her brother who confesses he broke up with his girlfriend and says he's gay. He keeps the gay tradition of coming out at Christmas. This is why Will doesn't visit his family at Christmas. Carol Brady makes a run for it nearly crashing her car. Everyone's okay.
Yuppy Girlfriend and the Police show up the best friend's place where she's doing dirty things with her boyfriend. She assumedly gives her up.
Melissa walks in on nearly naked Mario. Awkward time, we all know where this goes. Half way through Christmas dinner, the police will come in, just you watch. They skate or something. We head to dinner for confession time. Other Daughter dropped out of Law School and opened a pilates studio. Mom approves, Daddy doesn't. Brother says he's gay. Mom knows. Mothers always do. Dad doesn't. Carol Brady spit takes. Mom complains about her husband and mentions that she fantasizes about Clint Eastwood. Wow. Really. And the police show up. Knew it. Confession tie continues and Carol Brady puts a gun on the cops. Wow. This is all levels of special.
Everyone in the family is in holding. Shrewish Mom is mad, no one presses charges so they're all free to go except Grandma. Sassy Black Cop sees the ring and says, "Girl, hold onto that man." Mario is outside waiting for Melissa. Family is unhappy, etc. Yuppy Girlfriend wishes she was still in jail and the two leave. Melissa and Best Friend talk and eat, she has an arrow through her head or something and Melissa sees the engagement announcement. Mario goes outside and talks to the maid wearing a wedding dress... huh. Anyway, Yuppy Girlfriend continues to be shrill.
Melissa is putting her heart into her crappy paintings and as she talks to her Big Gay Brother, she finds out she got into an art gallery. She meets her Big Gay Brother-In Law. Rest of the family shows except for Grandma. Grandma is presumably rotting in jail. Shrill Mommy and Gay Daddy accept her and Mom advises her daughter to go after him. Then Melissa says he got married.
Melissa leaves the Gallery as Mario kidnaps her. He mentions her faults but then says he loves her. He bought an architecture studio and her ugly art piece. Seriously, I want to vomit. They kiss, I don't care, I miss so many Sabrina The Teenage Witch jokes here and the voice over returns. Also, apparently the ends justify the means so go out and kidnap everyone you love. Also, Grandma is still in jail. Seriously, no resolution there. Grandma is going to rot in prison. Good to know.
Notable Commercials: Why would anyone want to hear Justin Beiber when their phone rings? Also, Beiber Fever sounds dirtyI
Late Christmas Ideas: An Edible Arrangement. I would probably just eat it but it would look pretty for a moment. Oh who am I kidding, I might eat it in the car on the way home from picking it up.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Saw 1, 10 being Saw 3D): 8
 |
| Yeah, I'm watching this. |
Back to the crazy bunch. Mario figures out Melissa gets dumped. They stop for gas and an old man wants to pump his gas. He sees tied up Mario and brings Melissa padded handcuffs. She continues to be some kinda insane. I want to kill myself. I hope they die horribly. I hope this entire thing ends in fiery death for all involved. So, yeah, I'm a little crazy also. Melissa shows up at home and her mom says she has porn star hair. ABC Family, a Perverted Kind of Family. Melissa tells the family that sometimes when Mario gets embarrassed, he yells that he's getting kidnapped. They fall for it because they are stupid beyond all human belief. Dad thinks she might be a lesbian. The girls go off, Dad looks at Mario like he's listing after him. Mario tries to run away. No such luck there since Melissa has all the keys and they're at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. More people show up in the crazy bunch. Melissa is apparently not the only one who is insane in this family. They're all insane and stupid as all hell. Melissa and Mario share bunk beds. I wonder when we hit the point that they get together. Melissa is the Keymaster so she has all the keys and cell phones. Soon Zuul will show up and Gozer will be summoned to this plane of reality. They'll know what it is to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
Melissa sleeps as Mario plans his thrilling escape. I give him a half hour before he's in love with her. Also, the family isn't suspicious that Mario brought no change of clothing. He runs as Melissa drives to pick him up which is where we started. I might add we had some annoying voice over up to this point. Melissa gets a call from her waitress friend. Mario tries to get to steal her phone but gets grabbed by Shrewish Mom. Mario tries to steal it from her but then she notices the meat tenderizer. Is she going to murder him? No, she murders her phone. Shrewish mom can't find her olive oil so Mario and Gay Daddy go to get it.
Girl talk, boring so we skip to Mario and Gay Daddy. They end up at pervy gas station from earlier and he believes that they're a couple now. All levels of wrong in this movie. So many levels of wrong to this movie. Meanwhile, Grandma shows up and it's Carol Brady. AWESOME! May Carol save the movie. Grandma hits on Mario when he ruins his pants and Mario gets ahold of a phone Let's see how the incredible random happistence happens this time.
Drunken crazy happens as Mario calls his girlfriend. Hes able to tell her he got kidnapped. Mario then decides to be an awesome boyfriend so when everyone find out, they'll be devastated. They're both crazy. Good to know. Gay Daddy hits on Mario some as the worst parents ever try to embarrass Melissa as much as possible. Mario tries to put the angel on the top of the tree as Melissa feels the pangs of homicidal rage.. Everyone seems to love him more. She is probably thinking of burning the cabin to the ground.
Carol Brady talks about acting and Melissa storms off. She's all levels of anti-social nutball here. She voices what we all know and everyone falls in love with Mario. Why do I think the entire family is going to try to jump him by the end of the night. Complaints about Christmas lists as they get drunk. This is going to end in sex. If it doesn't, I'll be surprised. Regardless, they're ending up together. It's a cliche for a reason. They hide the booze. So sex happens.
Yuppy Girlfriend at the police office.She reports a kidnapping. Meh.
Carol Brady is getting nice and drunk Christmas Morning. Mom gives everyone on Earth what they're doing for Christmas including forcing Melissa and Mario to play Ice Hockey. They bond some more since Mario isn't a yuppy by birth or something. I miss when Melissa was being crazy every five seconds. They're both being normal. This is getting boring. Missletoe, the two kiss, ugh.
Yuppy Girlfriend and the police (a great name for a band) show up at the restaurant.
Awkward conversation between Mom and Melissa about sex and marriage. Mario looks at some of Melissa's painting. Apparently he's impressed. I don't know why but I think he's a connoisseur of terrible art. Everyone gets crappy presents. The Parents tell Meslissa she needs to get her head out of the clouds. Mario says she's a good artist and proposes. Really?
Mom can't wait to start planning the wedding. She tells people to get changed. Melissa apologizes about being insane and promises to let him go tomorrow. I hope let go means dump his body in the river. I miss the crazy. She talks to her brother who confesses he broke up with his girlfriend and says he's gay. He keeps the gay tradition of coming out at Christmas. This is why Will doesn't visit his family at Christmas. Carol Brady makes a run for it nearly crashing her car. Everyone's okay.
Yuppy Girlfriend and the Police show up the best friend's place where she's doing dirty things with her boyfriend. She assumedly gives her up.
Melissa walks in on nearly naked Mario. Awkward time, we all know where this goes. Half way through Christmas dinner, the police will come in, just you watch. They skate or something. We head to dinner for confession time. Other Daughter dropped out of Law School and opened a pilates studio. Mom approves, Daddy doesn't. Brother says he's gay. Mom knows. Mothers always do. Dad doesn't. Carol Brady spit takes. Mom complains about her husband and mentions that she fantasizes about Clint Eastwood. Wow. Really. And the police show up. Knew it. Confession tie continues and Carol Brady puts a gun on the cops. Wow. This is all levels of special.
Everyone in the family is in holding. Shrewish Mom is mad, no one presses charges so they're all free to go except Grandma. Sassy Black Cop sees the ring and says, "Girl, hold onto that man." Mario is outside waiting for Melissa. Family is unhappy, etc. Yuppy Girlfriend wishes she was still in jail and the two leave. Melissa and Best Friend talk and eat, she has an arrow through her head or something and Melissa sees the engagement announcement. Mario goes outside and talks to the maid wearing a wedding dress... huh. Anyway, Yuppy Girlfriend continues to be shrill.
Melissa is putting her heart into her crappy paintings and as she talks to her Big Gay Brother, she finds out she got into an art gallery. She meets her Big Gay Brother-In Law. Rest of the family shows except for Grandma. Grandma is presumably rotting in jail. Shrill Mommy and Gay Daddy accept her and Mom advises her daughter to go after him. Then Melissa says he got married.
Melissa leaves the Gallery as Mario kidnaps her. He mentions her faults but then says he loves her. He bought an architecture studio and her ugly art piece. Seriously, I want to vomit. They kiss, I don't care, I miss so many Sabrina The Teenage Witch jokes here and the voice over returns. Also, apparently the ends justify the means so go out and kidnap everyone you love. Also, Grandma is still in jail. Seriously, no resolution there. Grandma is going to rot in prison. Good to know.
Notable Commercials: Why would anyone want to hear Justin Beiber when their phone rings? Also, Beiber Fever sounds dirtyI
Late Christmas Ideas: An Edible Arrangement. I would probably just eat it but it would look pretty for a moment. Oh who am I kidding, I might eat it in the car on the way home from picking it up.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Saw 1, 10 being Saw 3D): 8
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 13 & 14
Viewing Thoughts: I'm eating dinner right now so this is going to less in depth than usual. Anyway, watching the Disney World Holiday Parade. It's hosted by Ryan Seacrest which is better than last year's debacle with Kelly Ripa. Then again, so far Ryan isn't doing some really crappy dancing. Really, this is incredibly unremarkable. Actually a little bit boring. But Kermit and Miss Piggy show up.Then comes the villains float. They spend more than ten seconds on it and it's followed by Vader and the 501st. This just rocks. And as I get excited, we end up with an infomercial for the Disney Cruise Line.
Next up in the Princesses. I do not care for Disney Princesses. Belle is the only one worthwhile really. The rest are mainly passive characters. Not even Mercedes from Glee can save this. She sings an awesome medley of Disney Princess songs and it changes nothing. Also, is it a requirement to be a Disney Channel star that they can market you as anything they want? Just asking since all of them sing and/or have no soul behind their eyes. Santa Claus lectures Ryan Seacrest and says there's a special present for him. I wonder if it's some elevator shoes. He is a short, short man. They close out with a 19-month pregnant Mariah Carey singing.
Notable Commercials: The Charmin toilet paper commercials with the bears have always been a little off. I mean, it's about bears usually getting toilet paper stuck to their fur. However, they were bears that lived in a forest. Now, it's kinda just disturbing that they live in houses. Are they nudists? And they really people? My brain needs an ounce of Bleech.
Later Christmas Ideas: I've never been to a Disney park. I'd live to go just so I can say I've been. I know it's technically against everything I stand for but ehh. It happens.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a clean plate, 10 being backed on insanity): 4
Next up in the Princesses. I do not care for Disney Princesses. Belle is the only one worthwhile really. The rest are mainly passive characters. Not even Mercedes from Glee can save this. She sings an awesome medley of Disney Princess songs and it changes nothing. Also, is it a requirement to be a Disney Channel star that they can market you as anything they want? Just asking since all of them sing and/or have no soul behind their eyes. Santa Claus lectures Ryan Seacrest and says there's a special present for him. I wonder if it's some elevator shoes. He is a short, short man. They close out with a 19-month pregnant Mariah Carey singing.
Notable Commercials: The Charmin toilet paper commercials with the bears have always been a little off. I mean, it's about bears usually getting toilet paper stuck to their fur. However, they were bears that lived in a forest. Now, it's kinda just disturbing that they live in houses. Are they nudists? And they really people? My brain needs an ounce of Bleech.
Later Christmas Ideas: I've never been to a Disney park. I'd live to go just so I can say I've been. I know it's technically against everything I stand for but ehh. It happens.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a clean plate, 10 being backed on insanity): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 11 & 12
Viewing Throughts: Okay, put dinner in the oven so let's watch some more animated Christmas Specials.
A Charlie Brown Christmas: I love this special. I'll just come out and say it. In fact, I think I say that every year. It's a classic for a reason. It has so much of the pathos of the season but it also has so much of the spirit as well. It's also all done without a single appearance by Santa Claus. In fact, Charles Schultz was able to get away with some very non-secular stuff in it. While some of the later Charlie Brown Christmas stuff will be less than successful, this one will always be a classic.
Operation Secret Santa: Huh. Was expecting one of the Charlie Brown spin-offs. Instead we get a CGI Disney special. Mrs. Claus sends two elves to retrieve an object from Santa's office. It's cute. Not a classic by any stretch of the imagination. Mrs. Claus is voiced by Betty White in all her glory. It's short, sweet, and kinda emotional. Worth tracking down.
Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales: No wait, they were in there. First off, Snoopy skates with Lucy. This is after Schroeder refutes her. I think Schroeder is gay. That would actually be all levels of awesome. Snoopy sits on the corner dressed as Santa. I revise my earlier assessment of this from a few years back. These are cute. Definitely some of the better of the later Peanuts Christmas Specials. Linus is later in Class and the girl behind him decides to changer her name to Jezebel. He points out the biblical Jezebel was evil and she seems kinda flighty. I like these since it's a series of vignettes about the characters.
Batman: The Brave and the Bold: I love this series. It embraces all of the silver age sensibilities of comics. The silver age was silly, fun, and nearly absent of darkness. In this particular episode, Batman Joins forces with an android by the name of The Red Tornado to fight a villain trying to steal the Christmas Spirit. The android is trying to learn about Christmas in the process when aliens from Neptune try to kidnap Santa. Yeah, it's a Santa Claus Conquers the Martians reference. Awesome! Batman is already there and they realize that the Neptunians aren't real. An evil toymaker name Toy Haus is behind it and he tries to kill them. Really, this episode needs to be seen to be realized. Needless to say, it's made of awesome and is also heart breaking in addition to funny and thrilling.
Notable Commercials: I see any of the commercials for the Kinect and think, "Wow that looks silly." I mean, I know the Wii looks silly but you at least never have to flail about like a crazy person. I mean seriously, what the hell?
Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to be in two places at once.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a glass of water, 10 being a bottle of Bawls): 4
A Charlie Brown Christmas: I love this special. I'll just come out and say it. In fact, I think I say that every year. It's a classic for a reason. It has so much of the pathos of the season but it also has so much of the spirit as well. It's also all done without a single appearance by Santa Claus. In fact, Charles Schultz was able to get away with some very non-secular stuff in it. While some of the later Charlie Brown Christmas stuff will be less than successful, this one will always be a classic.
Operation Secret Santa: Huh. Was expecting one of the Charlie Brown spin-offs. Instead we get a CGI Disney special. Mrs. Claus sends two elves to retrieve an object from Santa's office. It's cute. Not a classic by any stretch of the imagination. Mrs. Claus is voiced by Betty White in all her glory. It's short, sweet, and kinda emotional. Worth tracking down.
Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales: No wait, they were in there. First off, Snoopy skates with Lucy. This is after Schroeder refutes her. I think Schroeder is gay. That would actually be all levels of awesome. Snoopy sits on the corner dressed as Santa. I revise my earlier assessment of this from a few years back. These are cute. Definitely some of the better of the later Peanuts Christmas Specials. Linus is later in Class and the girl behind him decides to changer her name to Jezebel. He points out the biblical Jezebel was evil and she seems kinda flighty. I like these since it's a series of vignettes about the characters.
Batman: The Brave and the Bold: I love this series. It embraces all of the silver age sensibilities of comics. The silver age was silly, fun, and nearly absent of darkness. In this particular episode, Batman Joins forces with an android by the name of The Red Tornado to fight a villain trying to steal the Christmas Spirit. The android is trying to learn about Christmas in the process when aliens from Neptune try to kidnap Santa. Yeah, it's a Santa Claus Conquers the Martians reference. Awesome! Batman is already there and they realize that the Neptunians aren't real. An evil toymaker name Toy Haus is behind it and he tries to kill them. Really, this episode needs to be seen to be realized. Needless to say, it's made of awesome and is also heart breaking in addition to funny and thrilling.
Notable Commercials: I see any of the commercials for the Kinect and think, "Wow that looks silly." I mean, I know the Wii looks silly but you at least never have to flail about like a crazy person. I mean seriously, what the hell?
Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to be in two places at once.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a glass of water, 10 being a bottle of Bawls): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 9 &10
Viewing Thoughts: Animation should make me feel better. It doesn't.
A Flintstone Christmas: I seriously don't see how this works. Christ isn't even born yet. What kind of time travel insanity is involved here? Did I miss the part of the Bible where Jesus went back in time to pre-save people? Anyway, this is the one that came out in the 90s. Apparently Pebbles and Bam-Bam got married and are coming home for Christmas. Some kid robs Fred and apparently he's... "cave-less." Seriously! Apparently there's a lot of time travel since the homeless kid was rejected by Ghandi and Judaism as well. There's some conversations about "Charlie Manson-stone" and I start zoneing out since the bad jokes are getting completely freaking insane and Wilma takes in the kid who steals the Rubble's tree.
Wilma's an idiot since she trusts the runaway kid. Fred tells the kid to try to enjoy Christmas and not to ruin it. They go to see Santa who goes a little mad talking about losing his old job. Fred gets decked with a Christmas Tree. I start going insane about these Rock Puns. The kid kidnaps Fred's boss so Fred can be Santa Claus in a parade and my teeth start to rot from the saccharine nature of it all. Fred and Wilma adopt the homeless kid. Two days later everything in their house is missing and the Flintstones are dead in their beds. I may have made up that last bit.
The Scooby-Doo Show: Ah crap, Scrappy-Doo.The gang (without Velma) is putting together a Christmas pageant for some annoying children including an annoying girl named Tiny Tina. Greedy McSourpants and his talking car show up to buy the orphanage. The madame won't sell so he's probably going to back in a rubber mask later to try to scare them off. The pagent makes no sense since it has Scrooge and a Sugar-Plum fairy. A ghost pops up (The Ghost of Christmas Never if you care) and chases the gang off who then show up dressed as elves to get rid of the ghost. I kinda hope Tiny Tina is just a midget out to rob the orphanage.The gang goes to investigate and after getting a tip from a random French maid, they over here Greedy McSourpants talking about a priceless emerald at the Children's Home.They find a clue saying the Emerald is in the pagent's star. They go to investigate and the Ghost shows up and tries to kill Scooby and Shaggy.
The gang escapes and almost catches the Ghost. Grumpy McSourpants shows up with an order to condemn the house. The convenient French Maid is taking tickets as Grumpy comes to gloat. The gang dresses up for the Nutcracker Suite with Shaggy in Drag. Tiny Tina saves Grumpy's cat, probably leading to him deciding to let them keep the house. The Ghost steals the nutcracker from the tree, it turns out it's the maid, nobody is surprised. Also, the Emerald was hidden between the Nutcracker's legs. Also, predictably Grumpy McSourpants likes kids now and I envy Tina Tina's parents where ever they are.
The Year Without a Santa Claus: I covered this one a few year's back but I still love this one. I love all the Rankin-Bass Christmas Specials but this one is just extra special due to the Miser Brothers and because it's one of the few ones where Mrs. Claus gets her due. Mrs. Claus is probably the Christmas Character who never gets her due. She's always in the background, never a lead character except here. I think Mrs. Claus deserves her own special or movie. Half the time I'm sure she's the brains behind it all.
Notable Commercials: I keep seeing this anti-bullying ad on Cartoon Network. I hate bullying and it's never a funny subject BUT it looks like the bully is about to try to make out with the guy he's calling short. I mean, seriously, it looks like it might be in some kinda movie of a more... triple-X variety.
Late Christmas Ideas: I kinda want something to work out once in awhile.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman, 10 being Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol ): 5
A Flintstone Christmas: I seriously don't see how this works. Christ isn't even born yet. What kind of time travel insanity is involved here? Did I miss the part of the Bible where Jesus went back in time to pre-save people? Anyway, this is the one that came out in the 90s. Apparently Pebbles and Bam-Bam got married and are coming home for Christmas. Some kid robs Fred and apparently he's... "cave-less." Seriously! Apparently there's a lot of time travel since the homeless kid was rejected by Ghandi and Judaism as well. There's some conversations about "Charlie Manson-stone" and I start zoneing out since the bad jokes are getting completely freaking insane and Wilma takes in the kid who steals the Rubble's tree.
Wilma's an idiot since she trusts the runaway kid. Fred tells the kid to try to enjoy Christmas and not to ruin it. They go to see Santa who goes a little mad talking about losing his old job. Fred gets decked with a Christmas Tree. I start going insane about these Rock Puns. The kid kidnaps Fred's boss so Fred can be Santa Claus in a parade and my teeth start to rot from the saccharine nature of it all. Fred and Wilma adopt the homeless kid. Two days later everything in their house is missing and the Flintstones are dead in their beds. I may have made up that last bit.
 |
| Doesn't care for Orphans. |
The gang escapes and almost catches the Ghost. Grumpy McSourpants shows up with an order to condemn the house. The convenient French Maid is taking tickets as Grumpy comes to gloat. The gang dresses up for the Nutcracker Suite with Shaggy in Drag. Tiny Tina saves Grumpy's cat, probably leading to him deciding to let them keep the house. The Ghost steals the nutcracker from the tree, it turns out it's the maid, nobody is surprised. Also, the Emerald was hidden between the Nutcracker's legs. Also, predictably Grumpy McSourpants likes kids now and I envy Tina Tina's parents where ever they are.
The Year Without a Santa Claus: I covered this one a few year's back but I still love this one. I love all the Rankin-Bass Christmas Specials but this one is just extra special due to the Miser Brothers and because it's one of the few ones where Mrs. Claus gets her due. Mrs. Claus is probably the Christmas Character who never gets her due. She's always in the background, never a lead character except here. I think Mrs. Claus deserves her own special or movie. Half the time I'm sure she's the brains behind it all.
Notable Commercials: I keep seeing this anti-bullying ad on Cartoon Network. I hate bullying and it's never a funny subject BUT it looks like the bully is about to try to make out with the guy he's calling short. I mean, seriously, it looks like it might be in some kinda movie of a more... triple-X variety.
Late Christmas Ideas: I kinda want something to work out once in awhile.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Grant Morrison's All-Star Superman, 10 being Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol ): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 7 & 8
Viewing Thoughts: Time to watch some Sitcoms. Christmas episodes this year are slim pickings so I apologize now.
Full House: This is from the first season before the Olsen Twins could barely talk. For some reason the Tanners are going to Colorado and Uncle Jesse and Joey, neither are related, are going with them. Also, for some reason, every major character is there also. I wonder why. For that matter, why would anyone schedule a family reunion in Christmas? Anyway, blizzard happens and middle daughter Stephanie is sad since Santa won't find them. Santa wipes his brow since he just dodged a bullet.
Stephanie complains that Santa is not going to find him. Some rude guy complains also but mainly since he can see that the Tanners are annoying as all hell and wants to get away from them. Also, the airline lost the presents. Lots of talk of the Worst Christmas ever happens. Joey dresses up as Santa, this turns out badly with Stephanie finding out who it is and she has a hissy fit. More Worst Christmas Ever talk happens. One of the characters complains she won't get to see her cow. Then we get some, "Christmas isn't about presents, it's about people" talk. Inspirational speeches. People start becoming delusional, and the snowlogged passengers form a ritualistic society and proceed to start cannibalizing each other. Not really but it would be awesome. Make this show much more awesome. Anyway, Santa Claus shows up then disappears after bringing the Tanners their gifts. No one else gets their gifts since Santa only cares about principal actors.
I'll add that Kimmy Gibbler got out of being in this episode. Obviously Santa had pity on someone and her name is Kimmy. Seriously, they had no contrived way to write her into the episode? Half the time I was sure she was the only person who saw through the Tanner's crap.
Roseanne: Roseanne always does a good Christmas episode. Darlene wants to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. Jackie wants to spend Christmassleeping with spending alone time with her boyfriend. Shelly Winters as Roseanne's Grandma shows up and is just awesome.
We come back as John Goodman and his son are making dinner. The family's lesbian friends show up. John Goodman gets weirded out. Roseanne doesn't take the news well that her daughter Becky is snowed in in Wisconsin and so is she, Jackie, Shelly Winters, and Roseanne's mother. Becky is snowed in at her boyfriend's house which is a very young Johnny Galecki.
I'll be honest, I have no snarky material here nor a deep analysis. Let's just move on to the next thing. It's not bad, it's just too awesome. To make it up to you, here's a picture of John Goodman as Linda Tripp.
The Nanny: Fran Drescher. Yeah. This is what I'm watching. We get a Hanukkah joke. This brings a problem: we're about to watch a show about Christmas and the main character is Jewish. What hilarity will ensue? Will dinner be ham?
After the commercials, the WASPish kids go crazy over improper Christmas Tree etiquette. The kids don't believe in Santa but Fran does. Yeah, apparently being Jewish makes you think Santa can achieve anything. Rich WASP dad is going out of town for Christmas and Fran doesn't approve. They buy a bunch of presents (including a plastic version of Edvard Munch's The Scream) and Fran buys herself something because she's depending on a Christmas bonus to clear the check. Guess who doesn't get a Christmas Bonus?
Fran tries to pawn off her vase, Christmas sentimentality, everyone's happy. I lose my lunch. Oh, and we get another appearance of Santa showing up, giving a gift, then disappearing.
The Yule Log: It's seriously just a maddening fire with a log in the fireplace. That's about it.
Notable Commericals: I don't know what a Zuzu pet is or what makes it so special but I do know I hate them and want them to burn.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Matches... Sorry, fire isn't helping.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being the evening News, 10 being your average episode of Twin Peaks): 7
Full House: This is from the first season before the Olsen Twins could barely talk. For some reason the Tanners are going to Colorado and Uncle Jesse and Joey, neither are related, are going with them. Also, for some reason, every major character is there also. I wonder why. For that matter, why would anyone schedule a family reunion in Christmas? Anyway, blizzard happens and middle daughter Stephanie is sad since Santa won't find them. Santa wipes his brow since he just dodged a bullet.
Stephanie complains that Santa is not going to find him. Some rude guy complains also but mainly since he can see that the Tanners are annoying as all hell and wants to get away from them. Also, the airline lost the presents. Lots of talk of the Worst Christmas ever happens. Joey dresses up as Santa, this turns out badly with Stephanie finding out who it is and she has a hissy fit. More Worst Christmas Ever talk happens. One of the characters complains she won't get to see her cow. Then we get some, "Christmas isn't about presents, it's about people" talk. Inspirational speeches. People start becoming delusional, and the snowlogged passengers form a ritualistic society and proceed to start cannibalizing each other. Not really but it would be awesome. Make this show much more awesome. Anyway, Santa Claus shows up then disappears after bringing the Tanners their gifts. No one else gets their gifts since Santa only cares about principal actors.
 | |
| In a better place: Home. |
I'll add that Kimmy Gibbler got out of being in this episode. Obviously Santa had pity on someone and her name is Kimmy. Seriously, they had no contrived way to write her into the episode? Half the time I was sure she was the only person who saw through the Tanner's crap.
Roseanne: Roseanne always does a good Christmas episode. Darlene wants to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. Jackie wants to spend Christmas
We come back as John Goodman and his son are making dinner. The family's lesbian friends show up. John Goodman gets weirded out. Roseanne doesn't take the news well that her daughter Becky is snowed in in Wisconsin and so is she, Jackie, Shelly Winters, and Roseanne's mother. Becky is snowed in at her boyfriend's house which is a very young Johnny Galecki.
I'll be honest, I have no snarky material here nor a deep analysis. Let's just move on to the next thing. It's not bad, it's just too awesome. To make it up to you, here's a picture of John Goodman as Linda Tripp.
 |
| "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" |
After the commercials, the WASPish kids go crazy over improper Christmas Tree etiquette. The kids don't believe in Santa but Fran does. Yeah, apparently being Jewish makes you think Santa can achieve anything. Rich WASP dad is going out of town for Christmas and Fran doesn't approve. They buy a bunch of presents (including a plastic version of Edvard Munch's The Scream) and Fran buys herself something because she's depending on a Christmas bonus to clear the check. Guess who doesn't get a Christmas Bonus?
Fran tries to pawn off her vase, Christmas sentimentality, everyone's happy. I lose my lunch. Oh, and we get another appearance of Santa showing up, giving a gift, then disappearing.
The Yule Log: It's seriously just a maddening fire with a log in the fireplace. That's about it.
Notable Commericals: I don't know what a Zuzu pet is or what makes it so special but I do know I hate them and want them to burn.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Matches... Sorry, fire isn't helping.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being the evening News, 10 being your average episode of Twin Peaks): 7
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 5 & 6
Really, what works for this movie is the episodic nature of it. It's really a series of events rather than a single plot driven movie. That's what the Christmas season is. It's a series of memories and thoughts as opposed to a single thing that happens and it's different things to different people. That's what makes it work as well as it does really.
Also, for a movie made in the 80s, the Engrish in the Chinese restaurant is rather annoying. Just saying.
I dunno, I really am running out of things to say about this movie. Go read the previous articles on it then.
Notable Commercials: There was a Western Union commercial with Pedobear. Seriously. I wish I could make this stuff up.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Footie pajamas if for no other reason than you know I would take pictures you could then make fun of me for.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a knife, 10 being a bent serving spoon): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 3 & 4
Viewing Thoughts: Let's mix it up a bit with some food stuff and music videos.
Martha Stewart's Holiday Cookies: Martha Stewart is cooking cookies. I'm watching food porn. It happens. Martha's cooking with her mother, proving that she is not born from a jackal. I think this is the closest you'll ever see to family dysfunction on this show. Martha at one point throws flour at the board in front of her mother with a look on her face akin to hatred.
Really, there's something to Martha interacting with other people. When she's by herself, she talks to the camera and looks at it. When she's with other people, she looks at her cooking but almost never at the other person. Seriously, they're just kinda there. The only one Martha really pays attention to or seems to care about is her mother and there's this aura of contempt around her. Still, Martha is a professional. She knows what she's doing. It's why things like the SNL sketch "Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special" work. Her seriousness is a good contrast for something so absurd.
VH-1 Classic Presents Christmas Videos: I'll be frank, I don't recognize half these songs. This might just be a comment on the local Christmas song station we have on at work. They play the same things constantly and it's freaking annoying. Some of these are good also. It's kinda sad to tell you the truth. There's a variety of music out there and they just play cover after cover of "Baby It's Cold Outside."
They had the music video for "Where Are You Christmas" the song from the Grinch movie. Yeah, there was a movie that was so much unnecessary. They show clips from it and I find myself thinking, "I remember when they did this." I also totally tells you everything you need to know about the movie and more so you never have to see it. That's a Christmas gift!
Notable Commercials: They keep showing a commercial on the Cooking Channel for the vacuum seal thing to store your clothes. I refuse to believe that anyone can be that happy about packing their clothing up in a plastic bag. Besides, it makes it easier for the thieves to steal all of your stuff.
Late-Christmas Ideas: A Christmas song that is part of the season but doesn't make you roll your eyes when you hear it. In other words, don't try to shame us into the spirit or use emotional blackmail. Just trust us to think, "I love Christmas." Also, try not to be annoying to people in retail since all of us will hear this song like ten times a day.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a sugar cookie, 10 being nuttier than thumbprint): 3
Martha Stewart's Holiday Cookies: Martha Stewart is cooking cookies. I'm watching food porn. It happens. Martha's cooking with her mother, proving that she is not born from a jackal. I think this is the closest you'll ever see to family dysfunction on this show. Martha at one point throws flour at the board in front of her mother with a look on her face akin to hatred.
Really, there's something to Martha interacting with other people. When she's by herself, she talks to the camera and looks at it. When she's with other people, she looks at her cooking but almost never at the other person. Seriously, they're just kinda there. The only one Martha really pays attention to or seems to care about is her mother and there's this aura of contempt around her. Still, Martha is a professional. She knows what she's doing. It's why things like the SNL sketch "Martha Stewart Topless Christmas Special" work. Her seriousness is a good contrast for something so absurd.
VH-1 Classic Presents Christmas Videos: I'll be frank, I don't recognize half these songs. This might just be a comment on the local Christmas song station we have on at work. They play the same things constantly and it's freaking annoying. Some of these are good also. It's kinda sad to tell you the truth. There's a variety of music out there and they just play cover after cover of "Baby It's Cold Outside."
They had the music video for "Where Are You Christmas" the song from the Grinch movie. Yeah, there was a movie that was so much unnecessary. They show clips from it and I find myself thinking, "I remember when they did this." I also totally tells you everything you need to know about the movie and more so you never have to see it. That's a Christmas gift!
Notable Commercials: They keep showing a commercial on the Cooking Channel for the vacuum seal thing to store your clothes. I refuse to believe that anyone can be that happy about packing their clothing up in a plastic bag. Besides, it makes it easier for the thieves to steal all of your stuff.
Late-Christmas Ideas: A Christmas song that is part of the season but doesn't make you roll your eyes when you hear it. In other words, don't try to shame us into the spirit or use emotional blackmail. Just trust us to think, "I love Christmas." Also, try not to be annoying to people in retail since all of us will hear this song like ten times a day.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a sugar cookie, 10 being nuttier than thumbprint): 3
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Hours 1 & 2
Viewing Thoughts: A Miracle of 34th St. is probably my favorite classic Christmas movie. I'm watching it in Glorious Black & White. I remember them doing a colorized version a few years back. I hate colorized versions of movies. It's rare that they feel like they were even making an effort. I think the reason I love this movie is that it's not pretending to be anything other than a story about Santa Claus. I like that back in the 40s, there were already people noticing the commercialization of Christmas beginning. We never get a real explanation for why Santa Claus is wandering around New York but, hey, it works. The closest we get is St. Nick's thoughts on the spirit of Christmas getting lost in the shuffle. There is stuff about him living in an old age home but meh. Doesn't change things. Maybe the elves work all year there while he lives in America or something, I dunno. Does it matter? Edmund Gwenn is just a remarkable Kris Kringle. He looks the part and just rocks the part. I would not be surprised if he was, in fact, Santa Claus.
Natalie Wood as Susan rocks in this movie. I don't know why I love the idea of a little girl who is so freaking jaded that the idea of anything fantastic is insane to her. However, she's still innocent. She's the product of her life. Her mother is divorced and has let her own jadedness leak down the food chain. The scene where she sees Santa talking in Dutch is just wonderful because you see her sense of wonder start to bleed through. The scene where Santa and Susan are talking about imagination makes me sad for when I was a kid. I think this is why I game, it's a way to keep myself feeling like a kid again. Overall, just the way that her shell cracks as the film goes on just shows what a remarkable actress she was at the age. Considering what happened to Wood, I just made myself sad.
I love the supporting in this cast as well. It starts with the Drunken Santa at the beginning. There's something about him that I think is just splendid. He's in the film for all of 3 minutes but he's just hilarious. Along the same lines, Sawyer, the store psychologist, is the closest thing this film has to an antagonist. I love him because I can hate him so easily. Most movies need at least one person that the audience can hate and he fills the role just perfectly and gets what he deserves. The Judge in the film also blends being a serious character while also being a little sentimental. You can see that he's just doing his job. Mr. Macy has just the right amount of scum and whimsy to his role. He's an honest man but also a business man so he's not afraid to make some threats here and there.
While I'm thinking about, let's talk about the remake. The remake sucks. Simple as that. I think the biggest problem is that they couldn't even use Macy's. Just making up some other store alone, I dunno, makes the movie lose something. I mean, the original is a shameless commercial for Macy's but having Gimbels in it also balances things out. I also have a slight problem with the fact that the movie adds a seriousness to the matter. There's none of the frivolity of the original. For that matter, Susan's change from wanting a house to wanting a dad is kinda a step backwards. I dunno, the mom in the original was an independent woman years before Mary Tyler Moore. She's made honest, or at least the hint is there, in the original. In the remake, nopers. Susan thinks that's the only way to make her happy and Santa Claus works as a matchmaker. One other thing is that the original had faith in things as a very underlying theme. Outside of one speech, it's never brought to the forefront because it doesn't have to be. In the remake, nope, let's drop an anvil on it, bludgeon you to death with it.
I love this film. It's the perfect Christmas film. It had a childlike wonder but doesn't pander to the audience. It doesn't pretend to be any more adult than it actually is, it's just trying to be the perfect holiday film and not even trying really. It was originally released in may and Fox tried to keep it on the downlow that it was a Christmas film for that matter. It's a great film and one I love every year. There's just something about it's innocence and joy that I love. It makes me feel like a kid again and that's rare for me anymore.
Notable Commercials: There's this commercial for the Wii and Netflix where they make fun of Mary Poppins only with a dapper man. They sing a song about imagination. I kinda love it for some weird reason.
Late-Christmas Ideas: I would love a beard trimmer so I can get my beard to look as awesome as Edmund Gwenn's does in this movie.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 Being Santa Claus, 10 being Nutball Psychologist in this movie): 4
Natalie Wood as Susan rocks in this movie. I don't know why I love the idea of a little girl who is so freaking jaded that the idea of anything fantastic is insane to her. However, she's still innocent. She's the product of her life. Her mother is divorced and has let her own jadedness leak down the food chain. The scene where she sees Santa talking in Dutch is just wonderful because you see her sense of wonder start to bleed through. The scene where Santa and Susan are talking about imagination makes me sad for when I was a kid. I think this is why I game, it's a way to keep myself feeling like a kid again. Overall, just the way that her shell cracks as the film goes on just shows what a remarkable actress she was at the age. Considering what happened to Wood, I just made myself sad.
I love the supporting in this cast as well. It starts with the Drunken Santa at the beginning. There's something about him that I think is just splendid. He's in the film for all of 3 minutes but he's just hilarious. Along the same lines, Sawyer, the store psychologist, is the closest thing this film has to an antagonist. I love him because I can hate him so easily. Most movies need at least one person that the audience can hate and he fills the role just perfectly and gets what he deserves. The Judge in the film also blends being a serious character while also being a little sentimental. You can see that he's just doing his job. Mr. Macy has just the right amount of scum and whimsy to his role. He's an honest man but also a business man so he's not afraid to make some threats here and there.
While I'm thinking about, let's talk about the remake. The remake sucks. Simple as that. I think the biggest problem is that they couldn't even use Macy's. Just making up some other store alone, I dunno, makes the movie lose something. I mean, the original is a shameless commercial for Macy's but having Gimbels in it also balances things out. I also have a slight problem with the fact that the movie adds a seriousness to the matter. There's none of the frivolity of the original. For that matter, Susan's change from wanting a house to wanting a dad is kinda a step backwards. I dunno, the mom in the original was an independent woman years before Mary Tyler Moore. She's made honest, or at least the hint is there, in the original. In the remake, nopers. Susan thinks that's the only way to make her happy and Santa Claus works as a matchmaker. One other thing is that the original had faith in things as a very underlying theme. Outside of one speech, it's never brought to the forefront because it doesn't have to be. In the remake, nope, let's drop an anvil on it, bludgeon you to death with it.
I love this film. It's the perfect Christmas film. It had a childlike wonder but doesn't pander to the audience. It doesn't pretend to be any more adult than it actually is, it's just trying to be the perfect holiday film and not even trying really. It was originally released in may and Fox tried to keep it on the downlow that it was a Christmas film for that matter. It's a great film and one I love every year. There's just something about it's innocence and joy that I love. It makes me feel like a kid again and that's rare for me anymore.
Notable Commercials: There's this commercial for the Wii and Netflix where they make fun of Mary Poppins only with a dapper man. They sing a song about imagination. I kinda love it for some weird reason.
Late-Christmas Ideas: I would love a beard trimmer so I can get my beard to look as awesome as Edmund Gwenn's does in this movie.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 23
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 Being Santa Claus, 10 being Nutball Psychologist in this movie): 4
Friday, December 24, 2010
The Christmas Experiment 2010: Prelude
Okay, as many of you know, it is my annual tradition to spend the holiday from 12:00AM December 25th to 12:00AM December 26th watch the various Christmas related stuff on the TV. I am not allowed any DVDs except for one at the end of the evening and I will go to the DVR as little as possible. From what I have learned in the past, this will probably involve me watching some tepid Christmas Specials, a couple of true classics, useless Disney Channel celebrities on the Walt Disney Christmas Day parade, at least one sanity break Lifetime Television movie, and capping it all off with National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This year's beginning arsenal is:
- One 24-Pack of Mountain Dew
- 4 Cans of Amp Energy Drink
- 1 Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie
- My Wally World Santa Hat
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Disney Experiment: Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
It's time for the tale of the Fairest of Them All.
The Synopsis: We start with the opening titles and they go on for awhile. There's an orchestrational backing it it but it looks like some of the opening to the Disney shorts of the time. But soon we're at the white story book with a quick summing up of the story. Basically, the evil queen is jealous of Snow White, forces her to be a maid, and she talks to her mirror a lot.
The first animated shot in the film is The Queen walking up to the mirror and it's all levels of creepy. Flames are conjured and we have a hanging face is the fogs. It tells her that Snow White is hotter. Queeny is all, “Bitch!”
Next we meet Snow White. She's washing the steps, singing. Such an iconic part of the Disney princess and all thanks to this. Imagine if Snow White had been a clog dancer. Snow White sings to her wishing well and a random prince hears her. Yeah, we're not going to be getting much more characterization from him. Snow White does what any smart person does and runs. He sings to her as she hides and she falls for him. The Queen watches and she goes off to start her murder plans. Snow White is enamored and we don't see the Prince again for awhile. Like until the movie is over. Weak.
The Queen orders her huntsmen to kill Snow White and gives him a box for Snow's Heart. God this woman is charming. I mean, some people collect cards, bottlecaps, but hearts? Seriously, stealing someone's heart is just an expression.
Snow gets dressed up as the huntsman takes her to pick flowers. Snow enchants him by talking to a bird. It seems adorable but the animals are telling her to shoot terrorize people in San Fransisco. The Huntsman almost kills her but he stops because he can't and he tells Snow to run and her step-mom wants her dead.. Someone is losing her 401k.
The next scene was frightening for me as a kid. Snow White runs through a forest and the thing comes alive to kill her. At least it looks like it. Faces, eyes, she begins her descent into madness. She falls down, crying as she starts to go insane and then the animals show up. A rabbit smells her to see if she's dead so it can get a good meal but it turns out she's alive. She starts talking to the animals about being afraid and starts singing again. I swear, no one should sing this much. There should be laws against this. Regardless, all the herbivores of the forest come running to hear. She then manipulates the animals into finding her a house. Seriously, she says, “I can't sleep out here. Can any of you find me a place to stay?” I would have laughed if they led her back to the castle.
Snow sees a little house, obviously no one is home. She knocks anyway for plausible deniability. The animals follow her inside, little knowing that they're going to be lured into a stew pot a few hours later. Snow figured little kids live here and it's filthy. She goes into cleaning mode when she realizes that the kids living alone in the middle of the woods have no mom. Actually, Snow doesn't clean. She starts singing and commanding the animals to clean. Seriously, Snow White is one manipulative bitch. The Queen was right to have her killed. It was only a matter of time before Snow, realizing that she should be in charge, incited a rebellion. Regardless, she sings as the animals do her bidding. Watch this scene. She only sings and the animals do all the work. I'd be suing for fair wages.
Next we meet the so called kids. They're actually short men who sing about mining. We get an idea of the characteristics of some of the Dwarfs. Doc is a workaholic, Grumpy is grumpy, Dopey might be mentally challenged, etc. They sing as Snow White finally decides to check upstairs. She finds the rotting body of the children's last mother and she realizes the horrors in store for her. Not quite. Actually, we get the names of the Dwarfs and Snow White got to bed in their room and the animals, still there, do the same. They're smart and run when they hear the dwarfs coming up before they get busted for breaking and entering. If Snow goes to jail, all the better. She can't force them to work anymore then. The dwarfs get suspicious and they get ready to kill whatever is ruining their bachelor pad. The animals watch, hoping to see when Snow gets her own. Turns out Snow is also neglegent since she left a fire burning with food as she went to bed. Grumpy is paranoid and sure that someone is out to get them. The birds pick up on this and decide to screw with the dwarfs. They want to make sure Snow gets a pickaxe through her head. We learn that the dwarfs also have no respect for Dopey and they send him up as the first possible victim.
Dopey goes into the room and sees Snow twisting around. Apparently she turns a lot in her sleep or she trying to kill a goose or something. Not sure. Dopey does what any sane person does and runs. The Dwarfs then pretend that they don't see Dopey and try to beat him up. They decide that since the “monster” is asleep, now is the time to kill it. The animals smile knowingly to one another, they're task soon complete. The dwarfs go in for the killing blow but realize it's a girl. Most of the dwarfs are immediately enamored except Grumpy. He's still all for the murder plan. Snow wakes up, is shocked for a moment, and realizes that she has midgets on her hand and she plays a childish guessing game and figures out who each of the dwarfs are. This bring me to an interesting thought.
Obviously the dwarfs started to live together at some point and they're obviously not magic. So, how does a group of men stricken with a medical condition come to live together and be ruled by a single emotion each? This is a predicament and a crappy one at that. Were they all abandoned as children and now they mine in solitude, only going into civilization to sell their goods? Also, why am I suspicious of Happy? Then again, Dopey, Doc, and Grumpy are the only ones that get any real development so let's just move on.
Snow guesses who everyone is, making fun of them as she goes. Grumpy continues to be hateful, pushing Doc to do things. Now for a paradox. Everyone knows that Snow White is the princess so why does no one care that the Queen has made her a slave? It must just be a terrible place to live then. The Dwarfs know The Queen is an evil witch, we learn. So, why does no one call in The Inquisition to burn her alive? Why let her continue to consort with evil? This is a crapsack world Snow White lives in.
Snow offers to become the slave of The Dwarfs in exchange for shelter. All but Grumpy are happy that she can cook. She also finally remembers that pot on the stove and goes to check it. The Dwarfs are ecstatic and are almost ready to eat when Snow tells them to wash before eating. This being the middle ages, this idea makes no sense and Snow forces them to wash before eating. She does quite realize that she's promised to become an indentured servant but thankfully the dwarfs haven't either. Grumpy is the only one to keep his independence. I like him. I hope he survives. Snow is probably already thinking of singing a tiger into eating her.
The Dwarfs sing about cleaning themselves. Actually, it's more lazy Rex Harrison talk-singing. Regardless, Grumpy tries to get his friends to retain their masculinity but they want food dammit and, in a scene reminiscent of “Deliverance,” The other six Dwarfs forcibly wash Grumpy against his will. Yeah, Snow has them in her power already. Doppy meanwhile swallows some soap and starts hiccuping soap bubbles. The Dwarfs have decided that Grumpy is the girl of their group.
Back to The Queen. She holds her fake heart in a box and asks her mirror if she's now the most bodacious babe in the land. She doesn't realize that in the latest ranking, she's now number 5 in the Kingdom hot list. Zelda Zurgenstern better beware. She also learns she was tricked and she only has a pigs heart. She already has five of those so she heads down to her lair to cast some spell to make herself look like a peddler. She takes a drink of her potion and we have nightmare fuel as she changes. She's now a crone and ready to make a poison apple. This is so much better than Smokey Mountain Christmas.
Oblivious to all this, the Dwarfs decide to sing and dance some. This scene is rather insignificant other than showing that Grumpy has begrudgingly converted to the adulation of Snow White. It also establishes that Snow is still waiting on this Prince that she saw in ONE scene. Seriously. It's kinda sad. Of all of the Disney princes, he probably has the least amount of characterization. For that matter, he has no name. Quite frankly, if not for him happening by, The Dwarfs would have had a sleeping corpse on their hands and it would have been a little creepy. We also get the most famous song from this movie, “Some Day My Prince Will Come.” Most of The Dwarfs find themselves watching with much adoration. Snow White pushes all of the Dwarfs to bed and they decide to sleep on the floor and let Snow have all of the beds despite only needing three earlier. Grumpy is ready to murder someone so he can have his bed. Dopey is just happy to have a feather to himself. Snow prays to God that Grumpy will like her. He laughs at this and goes to sleep in a pot. I wish I had a joke for that, I really do.
Queenie is making her poison apple. The sludgy mess makes a skull and turns the apple red. The Queen is very happy with herself and checks for an antidote to the apple. It's true love's first kiss. Good thing Snow wasn't easy. The Queen figures Snow will be buried alive and goes off to kill Snow White. Along the way she kicks a skeleton that was reaching for a pitcher of water. Seriously people, Nightmare Fuel, High Octane.
Doc warns Snow about strangers. Snow kisses the Dwarfs as they leave to toil in the gem mines. Doc gets ready for a huge smooch but Snow isn't watching. He also warns her not to let anyone in showing his conversion is complete. Snow is now happy to learn that her brainwash stew is potently strong to break the greatest wills.
The Queen goes over her scheme for the fortieth time as Snow starts to make a pie. She sings, forcing the animals to help her bake. Grumpy's name is inscribed on the pie, making me believe that Grumpy should have been the one that Snow ended up with. That's it, I'm going to start Snow White/Grumpy shipping. Oh god, I have to google to see if anyone else is with me on this. After a quick check, I'm pretty sure this entry will be the only hit for “snow white/grumpy fanshipping” Yeah, this isn't going to come back to haunt me at all...Anyway, The Queen appears, looking like she's about to guest on To Catch a Predator. Snow White catches the idiot ball and tries to take the apple. Not happy with letting just anyone kill Snow White, the birds attempt to peck out The Queen's eyes. Realizing that Snow's momentary idiocy isn't going to cure itself, the animals harass the Dwarfs until they realize they should just go home. They better hurry because Snow has become stupid enough to think some random old woman has a wishing apple. They Dwarfs figure this out and race back. Snow White realizes she has something to wish for, wishing that Grumpy would take her as his bride, to the mythic Dwarf castle, and chops down on some apple. The Witch cackles, realizing she'll become the new fairest, Zelda Zurgenstern has a sudden chill down her spine, and it starts to rain. The Dwarfs take chase, ready to lynch The Queen, none of them check on Snow in the process. For all they knew, this was just some random begger woman. The Queen tries to send a boulder down on the Dwarfs but God kills her instead and she falls. Seriously, lightning strikes her down, throws her back, and BAMM!, dead. We have out first Disney death as two buzzards go to eat The Queen Corpse.
The Dwarfs take the time to quickly make a new bed just so Snow's corpse isn't rotting in one of theirs and they all cry. Unluckily, Grumpy doesn't know to kiss her. The animals are also sad, mostly because they didn’t get to kill and devour Snow's body. The kingdom probably realized they have no immediate successor and a bloody period of turmoil began and in the civil unrest, some new person came to power.
The Text tells us that Snow wasn't buried and the Dwarfs made her a glass and gold coffin and we have a plothole. Apparently the curse on the apple also made Snow capable of holding her breath for all eternity and no longer need to eat until she got awoken. Only explanation why she doesn't die or start to experience atrophy. Well, that or The Dwarfs have been feeding her and gave her air holes. In that case, that's just dumb.
The animals have been bringing Snow flowers along with The Dwarfs. They pray to her corpse as The Prince shows up. Yeah, the useless, useless Prince. He then totally makes out with the supposedly dead Snow White. So, The Prince is a necrophiliac? Doesn't matter because Snow is awake. Turns out it was any kiss that would wake her up. She settles on royalty rather than love and The Prince takes her away. To a castle in the sky. Wait...
Okay, new theory. Snow White died and is being taken to heaven by her dream prince. Her ghost says goodbye to her loyal worshipers and she lives happily ever after watching her step-mother roast in hell. Only real explanation. Yeah. Snow White is now instantly more grim and dark.
The Review: So, that's Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs. It's a great freshman effort. The animation is expressive. It does feel flat at times on the more human characters but the dwarfs and the crone form of the Queen are just beautiful. It may come from this being the animators first big experience with drawing realistic people and I know they adapt down the line. That all said, the facial expression on the Dwarfs is just phenomenal. While each has a primary attribute, you can figure out which is which quickly. Then there's the backgrounds. While I joke about the castle in the sky earlier, it really is majestic. Then the castle catacombs where The Queen makes her lair evokes such feeling in it. Then there's that transformation sequence. It scared me as a kid and for good reason.
Music wise, the incidental music is just classic here. While there are times it feels like there are too many songs, I also realize that that is part of the charm. I mean, Snow White isn't defined by her songs. They're how she gets across many of her little things. While some of the songs are mostly forgettable, the ones that are still around deserve their status as standards.
The story is simple but then it is based off a classic fairy tale. There are characters who suffer from a lack of characterization. The Queen is the first of the Disney Villains. She is far from the greatest but she does a great job. She is menacing and just a cruel and evil woman. One of the common threads in my opinion is that the women among the Disney Villains are some of the best but we'll see about that before long. However, while Dopey, Doc, and Grumpy are all strong characters, The Prince, other four dwarfs, and Snow White herself are all kinda bland. Snow White is just basic white bread. She has hopes and dreams and is as pure as snow. Of the Princesses, she is definitely the lest interesting. The Prince is a bit part. The love interest should be involved in the story. He should have to work for it. For me, that is unforgivable.
The Voice Acting is going to be the key to any animated film and everyone smashed it out of the park. No one seemed out of place and, if anything, everyone matches perfectly. The Queen is the best example of this. She does both this vamp of a woman, beautiful voice and then an old crone, evil and vile. Grumpy as well, you can hear the change in his tone as the movie goes on. You can feel him soften towards Snow White. For that matter, Snow White always seems to be a genuinely good person. Her voice echoes her purity and it's what saves her as a character for me.
Scores
Art: 8
Music: 8
Story: 7
Voice Acting: 9
OVERALL: 8
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Disney Experiment: Prelude
So, I want to start blogging again and all so here is what I'm planning on doing. I am going to watch each of the Disney animated films one at a time and do a review of it, usually in a very informal method but then was anyone expecting something formal? If you've read any of the other Experiments, you know what's coming except no marathon editions since I doubt even I could survive 24 hours of Disney.
As for why I'm doing this, it's simple. I love traditional hand-drawn animation. I mean, I have loved cartoons my entire life and they're one of the few things that still give me the same level of enjoyment as I grew older. It's also partially why I love comic books as much as I do. Anyway, I always remembered the Disney films being some of the best put together ones, even the Saturday morning stuff. So, for me, this is partially about going back to my youth and reveling in the pure skill of hand-drawn animation.
Also going to say right now, definitely not reviewing any of the CGI Disney films. I love them but they just don't do it for me quite as much. For that matter, I will probably skip the straight to DVD films as well. Very few of them were anything other than a cash grab. However, I am going to be looking at the live-action films that featured some heavy animation in it like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Mary Poppins, and, of course, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I am also going to go in chronological order as much as I can as well. It won't be possible always but I'll go back and cover what skipped. I only plan on skipping the films that Netflix doesn't currently have available and my other means have dried up on. Thankfully, my first major hiccup, Fantasia, gets rereleased in a few months so I'll be getting to that one soon enough. So, let the good times roll as I bring you Snow White and the Seven Dwarves tomorrow.
As for why I'm doing this, it's simple. I love traditional hand-drawn animation. I mean, I have loved cartoons my entire life and they're one of the few things that still give me the same level of enjoyment as I grew older. It's also partially why I love comic books as much as I do. Anyway, I always remembered the Disney films being some of the best put together ones, even the Saturday morning stuff. So, for me, this is partially about going back to my youth and reveling in the pure skill of hand-drawn animation.
Also going to say right now, definitely not reviewing any of the CGI Disney films. I love them but they just don't do it for me quite as much. For that matter, I will probably skip the straight to DVD films as well. Very few of them were anything other than a cash grab. However, I am going to be looking at the live-action films that featured some heavy animation in it like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Mary Poppins, and, of course, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I am also going to go in chronological order as much as I can as well. It won't be possible always but I'll go back and cover what skipped. I only plan on skipping the films that Netflix doesn't currently have available and my other means have dried up on. Thankfully, my first major hiccup, Fantasia, gets rereleased in a few months so I'll be getting to that one soon enough. So, let the good times roll as I bring you Snow White and the Seven Dwarves tomorrow.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2009 In Review: The Music
In what is hopefully a series of pots if I can put my mind into it, I want to look at my 2009. Let's start with the music. 2009 was the year Will got an iPod and stopped having to buy and use burnable CDs. I've discovered some artists that I really enjoy and outgrown some music I once clung to. It's been an interesting year of rock and pop, Gaga and musicals. What will 2010 bring? I dunno, do I look psychic?
Now for the 25 most played songs in my iTunes play list for the year. Why 25? I dunno, because.
1.(Tie) I Don't Care performed by Apocalyptica 35 Plays (I love the use of rock and cello together.)
2. All The Strange, Strange Creatures composed by Murray Head 35 Plays (So much of the epicness of Doctor Who is shown by this track.
3. I Need a Miracle (Sunflake Remix) performed by KLM Music featuring Coco Star 34 Plays (Dance music is repetive, I'll be the first to admit that but it's still got a great beat to it.)
4. The Rueful Fate of Donna Noble composed by Murray Head 34 Plays (A very sad song, inspired by one of my favorite fictional character. I have plans for this in the future.)
5. All Along The Watchtower performed by BT4 32 Plays (How awesome is it when the entire mythology arc of your sci-fi drama revolves around a Bob Dylan song? Yet another reason Battlestar Galactica will be missed in 2010.)
6. The Greatest Show Unearthed performed by Creature Feature 32 Plays (A macabre song, twisted yet it has a distinct charm to it.)
7. The End performed by Groove Coverage 31 Plays (More Techno but the singer is talented and the beat and lyrics resonate.)
8. Zydrate Anatomy performed by Terrance Zdunich, Alexa Vega & Paris Hilton 31 Plays (A catchy, tasty song from Repo The Genetic Opera, perverse and enticing, quite like the title drug, Zydrate.)
9. We Are W.I.T.C.H. performed by Marion Raven 30 Plays (The title song to a somewhat forgettable Disney Cartoon is rather infectious, beautiful, and memorable.)
10. This is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our Home Composed by Murray Head 30 Plays (A song that hints at a greatness, a legacy.)
11. A Dazzling End composed by Murray Head 30 Plays (Just as it's companion piece, The Ruful Fate of Donna Noble hints a tragic end, this piece hints at one that is filled with hope and greatness.)
12. Valentine's Day performed by Linkin Park 29 Plays (I really don't know what it is about this song that gets me but there's just something there.)
13. Doomsday composed by Murray Head 29 Plays ( A Song of loss. Mournful but beautiful. An elegy for what could have been.)
14. I'm Coming to Get You composed by Murray Head 29 Plays (Going to cut down on Doctor Who music in 2010, I swear. Still, such a song of wonder.)
15. The Dark and Endless Dalek Night Composed by Murray Head 29 Plays (And a song of fear. Nothing like Latin chanting to incite fear.)
16. Welcome to the Black Parade performed by My Chemical Romance 29 Plays (A song about the acceptance of death, still joyous rather than mournful.)
17. Any Other Name composed by Thomas Newman 29 Plays (Tragic and hopeful at once, a life passing by. One of my favorite pieces from one of my favorite movies, possibly even favorite.)
18. Let's Go To The Mall performed by Cobie Smulders as Robin Sparkles 29 Plays (A fun tribute to the eighties.)
19. Planet Schmanet, Janet performed by Tim Curry 29 Plays(Okay, of all the songs in Rocky Horror, no clue why this is here. Seriously, I don't get it.)
20. Freedom Fighters composed by Two Steps From Hell 29 Plays (Trailer music at it's best.)
21. Slayer's Elegy composed by Christophe Beck 28 Plays (Tragedy, mass death, that seems to be a recurring element in the music I listen to.)
22. Kingdom Hearts performed by Czech Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra & Kuehn’s Mixed Choir 28 Plays (Capturing some of my favorite music from one of my favorite games, truly something to be heard.)
23. Everything You Ever performed by Neil Patrick Harris 28 Plays (Spoilers for Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Belong in the link. The Emotional high point of the musical and last act. God I love Whedon.)
24. Doctor Who Series 4 Opening Credits 27 Plays (This is my ringtone.)
25. Mary Jane/Mary Lane performed by the Cast of Reefer Madness 25 Plays (There's just something about this song, a lave song in the middle of a satire, that I love.)
Now for the 25 most played songs in my iTunes play list for the year. Why 25? I dunno, because.
1.(Tie) I Don't Care performed by Apocalyptica 35 Plays (I love the use of rock and cello together.)
2. All The Strange, Strange Creatures composed by Murray Head 35 Plays (So much of the epicness of Doctor Who is shown by this track.
3. I Need a Miracle (Sunflake Remix) performed by KLM Music featuring Coco Star 34 Plays (Dance music is repetive, I'll be the first to admit that but it's still got a great beat to it.)
4. The Rueful Fate of Donna Noble composed by Murray Head 34 Plays (A very sad song, inspired by one of my favorite fictional character. I have plans for this in the future.)
5. All Along The Watchtower performed by BT4 32 Plays (How awesome is it when the entire mythology arc of your sci-fi drama revolves around a Bob Dylan song? Yet another reason Battlestar Galactica will be missed in 2010.)
6. The Greatest Show Unearthed performed by Creature Feature 32 Plays (A macabre song, twisted yet it has a distinct charm to it.)
7. The End performed by Groove Coverage 31 Plays (More Techno but the singer is talented and the beat and lyrics resonate.)
8. Zydrate Anatomy performed by Terrance Zdunich, Alexa Vega & Paris Hilton 31 Plays (A catchy, tasty song from Repo The Genetic Opera, perverse and enticing, quite like the title drug, Zydrate.)
9. We Are W.I.T.C.H. performed by Marion Raven 30 Plays (The title song to a somewhat forgettable Disney Cartoon is rather infectious, beautiful, and memorable.)
10. This is Gallifrey: Our Childhood, Our Home Composed by Murray Head 30 Plays (A song that hints at a greatness, a legacy.)
11. A Dazzling End composed by Murray Head 30 Plays (Just as it's companion piece, The Ruful Fate of Donna Noble hints a tragic end, this piece hints at one that is filled with hope and greatness.)
12. Valentine's Day performed by Linkin Park 29 Plays (I really don't know what it is about this song that gets me but there's just something there.)
13. Doomsday composed by Murray Head 29 Plays ( A Song of loss. Mournful but beautiful. An elegy for what could have been.)
14. I'm Coming to Get You composed by Murray Head 29 Plays (Going to cut down on Doctor Who music in 2010, I swear. Still, such a song of wonder.)
15. The Dark and Endless Dalek Night Composed by Murray Head 29 Plays (And a song of fear. Nothing like Latin chanting to incite fear.)
16. Welcome to the Black Parade performed by My Chemical Romance 29 Plays (A song about the acceptance of death, still joyous rather than mournful.)
17. Any Other Name composed by Thomas Newman 29 Plays (Tragic and hopeful at once, a life passing by. One of my favorite pieces from one of my favorite movies, possibly even favorite.)
18. Let's Go To The Mall performed by Cobie Smulders as Robin Sparkles 29 Plays (A fun tribute to the eighties.)
19. Planet Schmanet, Janet performed by Tim Curry 29 Plays(Okay, of all the songs in Rocky Horror, no clue why this is here. Seriously, I don't get it.)
20. Freedom Fighters composed by Two Steps From Hell 29 Plays (Trailer music at it's best.)
21. Slayer's Elegy composed by Christophe Beck 28 Plays (Tragedy, mass death, that seems to be a recurring element in the music I listen to.)
22. Kingdom Hearts performed by Czech Philharmonic Chamber Orchestra & Kuehn’s Mixed Choir 28 Plays (Capturing some of my favorite music from one of my favorite games, truly something to be heard.)
23. Everything You Ever performed by Neil Patrick Harris 28 Plays (Spoilers for Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Belong in the link. The Emotional high point of the musical and last act. God I love Whedon.)
24. Doctor Who Series 4 Opening Credits 27 Plays (This is my ringtone.)
25. Mary Jane/Mary Lane performed by the Cast of Reefer Madness 25 Plays (There's just something about this song, a lave song in the middle of a satire, that I love.)
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