Full House: This is from the first season before the Olsen Twins could barely talk. For some reason the Tanners are going to Colorado and Uncle Jesse and Joey, neither are related, are going with them. Also, for some reason, every major character is there also. I wonder why. For that matter, why would anyone schedule a family reunion in Christmas? Anyway, blizzard happens and middle daughter Stephanie is sad since Santa won't find them. Santa wipes his brow since he just dodged a bullet.
Stephanie complains that Santa is not going to find him. Some rude guy complains also but mainly since he can see that the Tanners are annoying as all hell and wants to get away from them. Also, the airline lost the presents. Lots of talk of the Worst Christmas ever happens. Joey dresses up as Santa, this turns out badly with Stephanie finding out who it is and she has a hissy fit. More Worst Christmas Ever talk happens. One of the characters complains she won't get to see her cow. Then we get some, "Christmas isn't about presents, it's about people" talk. Inspirational speeches. People start becoming delusional, and the snowlogged passengers form a ritualistic society and proceed to start cannibalizing each other. Not really but it would be awesome. Make this show much more awesome. Anyway, Santa Claus shows up then disappears after bringing the Tanners their gifts. No one else gets their gifts since Santa only cares about principal actors.
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| In a better place: Home. |
I'll add that Kimmy Gibbler got out of being in this episode. Obviously Santa had pity on someone and her name is Kimmy. Seriously, they had no contrived way to write her into the episode? Half the time I was sure she was the only person who saw through the Tanner's crap.
Roseanne: Roseanne always does a good Christmas episode. Darlene wants to spend Christmas with her boyfriend. Jackie wants to spend Christmas
We come back as John Goodman and his son are making dinner. The family's lesbian friends show up. John Goodman gets weirded out. Roseanne doesn't take the news well that her daughter Becky is snowed in in Wisconsin and so is she, Jackie, Shelly Winters, and Roseanne's mother. Becky is snowed in at her boyfriend's house which is a very young Johnny Galecki.
I'll be honest, I have no snarky material here nor a deep analysis. Let's just move on to the next thing. It's not bad, it's just too awesome. To make it up to you, here's a picture of John Goodman as Linda Tripp.
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| "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" |
After the commercials, the WASPish kids go crazy over improper Christmas Tree etiquette. The kids don't believe in Santa but Fran does. Yeah, apparently being Jewish makes you think Santa can achieve anything. Rich WASP dad is going out of town for Christmas and Fran doesn't approve. They buy a bunch of presents (including a plastic version of Edvard Munch's The Scream) and Fran buys herself something because she's depending on a Christmas bonus to clear the check. Guess who doesn't get a Christmas Bonus?
Fran tries to pawn off her vase, Christmas sentimentality, everyone's happy. I lose my lunch. Oh, and we get another appearance of Santa showing up, giving a gift, then disappearing.
The Yule Log: It's seriously just a maddening fire with a log in the fireplace. That's about it.
Notable Commericals: I don't know what a Zuzu pet is or what makes it so special but I do know I hate them and want them to burn.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Matches... Sorry, fire isn't helping.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 22
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being the evening News, 10 being your average episode of Twin Peaks): 7
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