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| Yeah, I'm watching this. |
Back to the crazy bunch. Mario figures out Melissa gets dumped. They stop for gas and an old man wants to pump his gas. He sees tied up Mario and brings Melissa padded handcuffs. She continues to be some kinda insane. I want to kill myself. I hope they die horribly. I hope this entire thing ends in fiery death for all involved. So, yeah, I'm a little crazy also. Melissa shows up at home and her mom says she has porn star hair. ABC Family, a Perverted Kind of Family. Melissa tells the family that sometimes when Mario gets embarrassed, he yells that he's getting kidnapped. They fall for it because they are stupid beyond all human belief. Dad thinks she might be a lesbian. The girls go off, Dad looks at Mario like he's listing after him. Mario tries to run away. No such luck there since Melissa has all the keys and they're at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. More people show up in the crazy bunch. Melissa is apparently not the only one who is insane in this family. They're all insane and stupid as all hell. Melissa and Mario share bunk beds. I wonder when we hit the point that they get together. Melissa is the Keymaster so she has all the keys and cell phones. Soon Zuul will show up and Gozer will be summoned to this plane of reality. They'll know what it is to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!
Melissa sleeps as Mario plans his thrilling escape. I give him a half hour before he's in love with her. Also, the family isn't suspicious that Mario brought no change of clothing. He runs as Melissa drives to pick him up which is where we started. I might add we had some annoying voice over up to this point. Melissa gets a call from her waitress friend. Mario tries to get to steal her phone but gets grabbed by Shrewish Mom. Mario tries to steal it from her but then she notices the meat tenderizer. Is she going to murder him? No, she murders her phone. Shrewish mom can't find her olive oil so Mario and Gay Daddy go to get it.
Girl talk, boring so we skip to Mario and Gay Daddy. They end up at pervy gas station from earlier and he believes that they're a couple now. All levels of wrong in this movie. So many levels of wrong to this movie. Meanwhile, Grandma shows up and it's Carol Brady. AWESOME! May Carol save the movie. Grandma hits on Mario when he ruins his pants and Mario gets ahold of a phone Let's see how the incredible random happistence happens this time.
Drunken crazy happens as Mario calls his girlfriend. Hes able to tell her he got kidnapped. Mario then decides to be an awesome boyfriend so when everyone find out, they'll be devastated. They're both crazy. Good to know. Gay Daddy hits on Mario some as the worst parents ever try to embarrass Melissa as much as possible. Mario tries to put the angel on the top of the tree as Melissa feels the pangs of homicidal rage.. Everyone seems to love him more. She is probably thinking of burning the cabin to the ground.
Carol Brady talks about acting and Melissa storms off. She's all levels of anti-social nutball here. She voices what we all know and everyone falls in love with Mario. Why do I think the entire family is going to try to jump him by the end of the night. Complaints about Christmas lists as they get drunk. This is going to end in sex. If it doesn't, I'll be surprised. Regardless, they're ending up together. It's a cliche for a reason. They hide the booze. So sex happens.
Yuppy Girlfriend at the police office.She reports a kidnapping. Meh.
Carol Brady is getting nice and drunk Christmas Morning. Mom gives everyone on Earth what they're doing for Christmas including forcing Melissa and Mario to play Ice Hockey. They bond some more since Mario isn't a yuppy by birth or something. I miss when Melissa was being crazy every five seconds. They're both being normal. This is getting boring. Missletoe, the two kiss, ugh.
Yuppy Girlfriend and the police (a great name for a band) show up at the restaurant.
Awkward conversation between Mom and Melissa about sex and marriage. Mario looks at some of Melissa's painting. Apparently he's impressed. I don't know why but I think he's a connoisseur of terrible art. Everyone gets crappy presents. The Parents tell Meslissa she needs to get her head out of the clouds. Mario says she's a good artist and proposes. Really?
Mom can't wait to start planning the wedding. She tells people to get changed. Melissa apologizes about being insane and promises to let him go tomorrow. I hope let go means dump his body in the river. I miss the crazy. She talks to her brother who confesses he broke up with his girlfriend and says he's gay. He keeps the gay tradition of coming out at Christmas. This is why Will doesn't visit his family at Christmas. Carol Brady makes a run for it nearly crashing her car. Everyone's okay.
Yuppy Girlfriend and the Police show up the best friend's place where she's doing dirty things with her boyfriend. She assumedly gives her up.
Melissa walks in on nearly naked Mario. Awkward time, we all know where this goes. Half way through Christmas dinner, the police will come in, just you watch. They skate or something. We head to dinner for confession time. Other Daughter dropped out of Law School and opened a pilates studio. Mom approves, Daddy doesn't. Brother says he's gay. Mom knows. Mothers always do. Dad doesn't. Carol Brady spit takes. Mom complains about her husband and mentions that she fantasizes about Clint Eastwood. Wow. Really. And the police show up. Knew it. Confession tie continues and Carol Brady puts a gun on the cops. Wow. This is all levels of special.
Everyone in the family is in holding. Shrewish Mom is mad, no one presses charges so they're all free to go except Grandma. Sassy Black Cop sees the ring and says, "Girl, hold onto that man." Mario is outside waiting for Melissa. Family is unhappy, etc. Yuppy Girlfriend wishes she was still in jail and the two leave. Melissa and Best Friend talk and eat, she has an arrow through her head or something and Melissa sees the engagement announcement. Mario goes outside and talks to the maid wearing a wedding dress... huh. Anyway, Yuppy Girlfriend continues to be shrill.
Melissa is putting her heart into her crappy paintings and as she talks to her Big Gay Brother, she finds out she got into an art gallery. She meets her Big Gay Brother-In Law. Rest of the family shows except for Grandma. Grandma is presumably rotting in jail. Shrill Mommy and Gay Daddy accept her and Mom advises her daughter to go after him. Then Melissa says he got married.
Melissa leaves the Gallery as Mario kidnaps her. He mentions her faults but then says he loves her. He bought an architecture studio and her ugly art piece. Seriously, I want to vomit. They kiss, I don't care, I miss so many Sabrina The Teenage Witch jokes here and the voice over returns. Also, apparently the ends justify the means so go out and kidnap everyone you love. Also, Grandma is still in jail. Seriously, no resolution there. Grandma is going to rot in prison. Good to know.
Notable Commercials: Why would anyone want to hear Justin Beiber when their phone rings? Also, Beiber Fever sounds dirtyI
Late Christmas Ideas: An Edible Arrangement. I would probably just eat it but it would look pretty for a moment. Oh who am I kidding, I might eat it in the car on the way home from picking it up.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 21
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: One Half of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Saw 1, 10 being Saw 3D): 8
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