The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 3 & 4

Viewing Thoughts: Time for something else I remember from my Childhood, brought to me by the Hallmark Channel: A Smoky Mountain Christmas starring Dolly Parton. Dolly plays a country singer and it's an excuse for her to sing and wear some ugly outfits. Anyway, Dolly wants to get away from it all and annoying paparazzo so she settles for spending the holidays in the Smoky Mountains.  By the way, this being Dolly, I have to point out that her biggest talents are on display here. A Lot. I mean, a LOT! She also does some annoying voiceover.

Anyway, she runs into the local sheriff and in the process, Dolly run afoul of Jezebel, the local witch. Yes, there's a witch who rides a black horse, wears black, and her name is Jezebel. Realism, you jumped out the window and killed yourself because your cousin coincidence has also visited the movie by making sure people think that Dolly was kidnapped and making sure that the cabin she's going to is inhabited by a group of precocious orphans who find her in a slinky night gown. She bonds with the orphans and we're introduced to Mountain Dan, played by Lee Majors.

A major problem with this movie is that there's a lot of annoying songs, I know this is a star vehicle for Dolly but she doesn't help matters by bringing the kids into it. They sing along and they're not particularly good. Not at all.  Another problem is how coincidence rules here. The paparazzi follows Dolly, the sheriff is a dick to Dolly, and the witch does some stuff in town and no one seems to care. Seriously, people live in a town where supernatural things happen on a regular basis and in front of a member of the press, and it seems like something you can joke about and that says, run for the hills to me.

So, Dolly bonds with the orphans some more, sings yet again, and meets the witch for the first time, angered over no longer having the biggest hair in the town the sheriff supposedly being in love with Dolly. She's saved by Lee Majors who tells her that the kids ran away from a children's home.  Since Lee Majors just plays people who can scare other people, this doesn't go well. Apparently the kids think he's going to eat them or something. However, they're adorable about this but they're fears are realized when he brings them a fruitcake. Obviously Lee Majors is evil and wants to make the kids and Dolly suffer. Everything gets awkward for a little while after that point and there some actual Christmasy stuff going on.

So, annoying paparazzi gets lost in the woods and meets a Stevie Nicks impersonator the witch. She messes with him because apparently her bridge night got canceled and the paparazzi finds Lee Majors' cabin.They bond, paparazzi drops some exposition, we move on.

The orphans want to move in with Dolly. Seeing that they want to stay on her gravy train, she turns them down so the kids decide to skedaddle just as the police show up to grab the kids for being runaways and thieves. Apparently this involves what I hope will be a shootout. Unluckily, Dolly just gets felt up/arrested along with all of the kids. The paparazzi takes some pictures and teams up with Lee Majors and the older orphan who almost started a Jamestown incident. Thankfully, no songs about Prison on Christmas. Instead, we get the return of voice over, most of the kids going back to the orphanarium, Dolly in lockdown, and bubblehead The Witch making a poison pot pie. I just realized that this is Snow White. Damn, there are seven orphans, a witch, and Dolly and it was an apple pie. Really? Someone out there is laughing at me.

The sheriff attempts to make this into a Lifetime film by trying to get Dolly drunk so he can have his way with her. The witch saves her in the guise of an old woman and gives Dolly the pie. She eats it as Lee Majors tries to break her out and the old woman turns back into Joan Collins The Witch. She gloats and leaves. The idiots Three break the window and find Dolly asleep. I envy Dolly. Older Orphan makes a power of friendship speech and it wakes her up. *Sigh* I was starting to hope the movie would be over. Joan Crawford The Witch shows up and tries to use her magic on Dolly. Apparently the witch's brains went out the window because she gets tricked into eating her own pie. She hams it up, falls asleep, and we're back to the orphanage.

Apparently Dolly had enough time to become a pirate and steal a Santa sled. The littlest orphan acts cute, allowing the rest of the orphans to escape and Dolly gets to add assault, unlawful imprisonment,  and kidnapping to her list of felonies in addition to fleeing jail, aiding and abetting, corruption of minors, and obstruction of justice. Dolly is going away for a long time.

THe police are investigating the crimes of Dolly. They catch them, adding fleeing the scene of a crime to the list of offenses and John Ritter plays the judge. Really?  Anyway, he lists off the offenses and Lee Majors is apparently a lawyer. Judge Ritter drops the charges, Dolly asks to adopt the kids, and the judge allows it despite the fact that the paparazzi has apparently disappeared at this point, possibly because he's plead down to just being annoying. Dolly hooks up with Lee Majors and they all return to the cabin for Christmas and another annoying song. Thus ends A Smoky Mountain Christmas. I think I need a drink if you don't mind.

Noted Commercials: There's this Liz Taylor White Diamonds ad that... yeah, I dunno how to explain it but it's been on twice and it seems like an art film. It has nothing to do with perfume. Really, watch it to learn what the hell it is.




Late Christmas Ideas: Precocious Orphan Repellent. Batman has to have some in his utility belt some place. He has room for everything else in there, he had to have something to use on Dick Grayson when he got annoying.


The Tally
Number of Annoying Dolly Songs: 6

Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 being the weight of a penny, 10 being the weight of Dolly's talent): 5