The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 21 & 22

Viewing Thoughts: So, Will is going to watch Undercover Christmas on Lifetime. Joy. Laughter. Children running in the streets at Rush Hour. We open on a waitress at some Christmas Themed Hooters bar. Apparently there's a market for this sort of thing. This being Lifetime (Television For Women) the waitress start out kinda selfish and becomes a woman scorned when her boyfriend refuses to take her home to Mom and Dad. As the waitress leaves, an FBI agent approaches her about the boyfriend being a con artist. We finally have a name for the waitress, Brandy O'Neil. The FBI agent's mom, played by Tyne Daly, sees him on tv, calls him and we get hammered home that Brandy and the workaholic FBI agent are going to end up together. Brandy, Jersey dame, gets put into witness protection with the FBI agent. In case you didn't already know, FBI man loves his work and his name is Jake. Brandy, being on Lifetime, is empowered by her desire to live it up rich and skanky. Jake's dad has a heart attack so they end up hiding out there. Anyone else see that coming? Anyone?

Brandy and mom hit if off with mom being revealed to be an alcoholic of the comical kind. Mom faked the heart attack to get her son home and then she uses emotional blackmail to keep them there. This is already better than A Smoky Mountain Christmas. Mom think they're sleeping together so insists on the two sharing a room. Seriously, this is already so much better. After leaving them, Mom wakes up her daughter to tell her that Brandy is a predator. Did I miss a crossover?

So, Brandy and Jake bond as Will once again  realized he's reviewing something he falls out of the Target Audience for.  Brandy has been getting cross-examined by the family who are all made out of solid ice. That's at least what it seems like to me. They seem to be very career driven and why do I feel like having Brandy around is going to thaw them out. Nice Ashley is the first to connect, confessing a crush. Daughter and Mom connect and talk about Brandy only wanting money etc. This being Lifetime, we now get the speech about empowerment. Brandy has been alone since 15 and apprently was a runaway.I figured out the problem with the family: They're WASPs and Brandy is now just messing with them at this point. She hits on Jake, they talk some more and Mom and Brandy connect thought baking and make-overs.

At this point, I want to make up an ending for the movie. The mob shows up to the big party. They kill all the guests. Will gets to watch something else. Unluckily, this is not to be. A pity. Instead, we get a rather predictable formula.Yuppies meet.Brandy is wearing an... interesting dress. I don't know what to think of it except that she should be trying to drink the blood of the guests. Ooooh, Christmas Vampires. They suck your blood under the mistletoe. Anyway, turns out the mob boyfriend's lawyer is at the party and tells the father. We have a big confrontation scene and Dad wants Jake and Brandy out of the house. Instead, they are to stay for Christmas. Mom and Dad argue and Mom says she doesn't love him. Being a WASP he shows on emotion. Maybe there are Christmas Vampires here. Oooh, now I get to go to my better movie world.

So, Jake and Brandy fight, the Niece yells that Jake messed it all up, and Jake admits to being in love with Brandy. This being Lifetime and no true life sticker being put on it, this is believable.  Instead, we have women blaming their mothers, ugly phones, and no Christmas Vampires. Seriously, the only way to kill them is with symbols of the holidays. They're allied with the Hanukkah Zombies and the mortal enemies of the Easter Werewolves. It'll be awesome.

It's Christmas morning. These beings WASPS, they get happy about relaxation pillows, drink coffee, and think that Christmas Sweaters are a good gift. I dunno. The ugly sweater with bells on it are kinda awesome in the one point where I laugh. Brandy puts on the sweater and exchanges one of her gifts for one. She then shakes her... talent... at Jake.

They start to leave and argue. Jake goes back to apologize for his mother. Dad is still being a Grinch regardless. Brandy wishes everyone a Happy New Year. She and Jake leave and the Christmas Vampires eat the entire WASP family. I'm just kidding. They just wave back. I'm waiting for the scene in a minute where Brandy gets kidnapped or Jake get kidnapped. It's coming any second now. Unluckily, it's not soon enough. Figures. Instead, first we get a scene between Brandy and her phone mom that is borderline stupid. She gets her Hotel room, Jake gets a separate one, the Christmas Vampires are down the hallway, and Brandy, being an idiot, just opens the door when the evil boyfriend shows up with gifts.

Evil Boyfriend tries to bribe Brandy. Brandy has been changed by the family and become straight edge and loves the new family Jake introduced her to. The guy is also wearing a Blue Leather Jacket. Ewww. Jake and Brandy talk, it's kinda stupid so I'm going to make up a different scene. The Christmas Vampires fight the mob Then the St. Partick's Day Demons and the Thanksgiving Brownies fight them with the help of the Fourth of July Cyborgs. Point is that Brandy is torn, unluckily not apart but emotionally. However, this is Lifetime SO, the family shows up, there's some fakey tension as to whether or not Brandy is going to testify (she does), and Brandy, Jake, and his family all get together and she takes Jake to meet her family: The Grand Court of Christmas Vampires. (I might have been making up that last part.)

Notable Commercials and Late Christmas Ideas: I miss Lego. There was a Lego commercial and I got to say, I want to buy some Legos just so I can build something. I kinda want to go out and buy one of those huge Lego sets just to build it.

The Tally
Number of Time Christmas Vampires could have saved this movie: 14
Mountain Dews Left: 8
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 most guys, 10 being someone who can get surprised by the twists in a Lifetime Movie.): 6