The Christmas Experiment 2014: Hours 15+16: Christmas Crush

Every year, I watch at least one Lifetime or Abc Family original movie. It's that time. God help me now.

Viewing Thoughts: Lifetime this year. Only difference is that the Lifetime ones are vaguely more adult. So, in this one, you have a fashion assistant, working in THE BIG CITY. No one will like your character because she's an aspiring fashion designer. I still have no name for this chick but her mom doesn't want her to be single. Her terrible fashion choice is celebrated privately and she finds a picture. Cue vasoline lens flashback .

Turns out our "protagonist" was a cheerleader and loved some football player. She returns to the family homestead where... she was invited to her Christmas High School Reunion? I still don't have this chick's name. She doesn't want to go despite having been a popular. All of this is due to a lack of success. According to a jacket hanging in her room, she might have also been Mary Marvel.

As Mary Marvel wanders around her room, she gets ambushed by old High School friends. In her own house. Oh wait, her name is Georgia. I'm still calling her Mary Marvel. Mary, not having seen a movie with the same plot called "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" decides to start lying. I'm trying to care about any of the old high school friends.

Later, at the Christmas Tree Lot, Mary Marvel runs into her former Best Friend Ben. I want to call his Shazam.  Former Best Friend Ben is obviously gay. Costume Designers like to express this via V-Neck. Mary Marvel sees her old ex and has a fantasy sequence that gets interrupted by Shazam telling her to stop doing this to herself. She runs off. Later, at her place, she runs into her dad. He sucks, belittling that she's still an assistant. Daddy is a dick.

Later, at the Reunion, apparently there's some kind of Secret Santa thing going on. Some guy starts throwing around a football. Cue The Ex. Quicker than you can say Marcia Brady, a football hits the punchbowl, splashing Mary Marvel. She runs to the bathroom where Shazam is, comforting her and also wanting to TP the principal's office.

Back at the party, Harry Hamlin as a teacher gives an inspirational speech. It sucks. One of the friends wants to have sex with him which is eww. Shazam and Mary Marvel hang out after tping the office. I also think that Shazam might be straight which is boring. Harry Hamlin walks in while they hide under a desk.

The Marvels walk  when some crazy lady walks out. I think she's dating Shazam. Not sure. Anyway, Mary Marvel goes to talk to the Ex. I was actually thinking he was dating Shazam. The friend with a crush on teacher starts orgasming from Harry Hamlin saying random science words. I have no clue what I'm watching any longer.

Remember what I've said about Song and Dance number all day? Well, here's one set to Christmas stuff.  It's a train wreck because Mary Marvel skipped practice. Later, Shazam plays guitar. Mary meets up, they reminisce. Yeah, he's straight. I think I'm over caring about this thing.

Summing up the rest real quick. Horrible chicks gossip. The Ex is still an ass. Mary Marvel remains most oblivious to Shazam being attracted to her. It all gets rather boring.There were better bad lifetime movie but I went this one because...

White Girl Rapping! I dunno. So not worth it.The rest of the movie just gets more predictable. Mary Marvel and Shazam end up together. Everyone saw that coming. Oh, and one chick has sex with Harry Hamlin. I really hope she hasn't seen Veronica Mars. I want her ultimate fate to be a surprise.

I think this is the only thing I have regretted watching in the history of the Experiment and that includes Jeffy.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Made dinner. It was the same thing as every other year. No surprises.

Late Christmas Ideas: The last two hours of my life back.

Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 5
Amps left: 2
Coffee Drank: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rds Left
Sanity Rating: (1 being a theme party, 10 being having a theme party and lumping it into Christmas also for NO REASON AT ALL): 7

The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 21 & 22

Viewing Thoughts: Twelve Hunks of Christmas: Time for this years Lifetime Hell Movie. Kristen Chenowith stars as a PR agent. She goes after the crazy client, manipulates her into changing to her, and I can't wait for how this backfires on her and changes up her life. She has the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend. This has to be how the movie ends, not begins. So, her boyfriend and her boss are screwing.She's drunk and talks to her cabbie like a best friend and quits her job.

Kristen is dressing more like Gwen Stacey than a PR agent. I like to pretend this takes places in a universe where Gwen Stacey lived and became awesomer but got lost along the way. So, Kristen eats Chinese, watches the original Miracle on 34th St., and acts like a Lifetime Heroine (acting like her life will fix itself and being introspective). She instead decides to take a job in Kalispell, Montana. She does get Montana right in that nothing happens there but Wyoming is the real hole in America.

So, Gwen drives to Montana and yeah, she's not really in Montana. I've been to Montana and Kristen is not driving through Montana. This is Glee's belief that Lima is next door to Columbus. They aren't. So, we get the usual Big City vs Small Town thing going on here.  Gwen Stacy gets an assistant, and meets the guy who will obviously be the love interest of our piece. How do we know this? Because they argue and then she sees him naked. His name is Will. Yeah, that doesn't sit well with me.

Anyway, Gwen Stacy and the assistant talk. Assistant, let's cal her Mary Jane, talk and find out she has a crush on a cute guy. They look at local calenders of scenery and then Gwen has an idea. She proposes a nudie calender featuring the rescue workers. The workers vote her down and jerkwad Will rubs it in her face. Gwen starts working on getting all of the guys to change their mind. She gets it to work and runs into Will. This being a Lifetime movie, he's going after her.He taunts her about the nearest Kino being in Billings. The internet tells me Great Falls.

So, we get the beginning of our life triangle and she's kinda hitting on everyone or letting them hit on her. This could become a Harem anime. Cute guy wants to ask Mary Jane out, let's call him Peter. Will tells him not to. Emma meets a city girl who's looking at the town. She sends her fishing. Apparently some kinda date happens secretly. Gwen... yeah, I'm goning to be frank, I can't make this clap trap interesting. Even letting it become some kinda Spider-Man fanfic where I get to date Gwen Stacy can't make it interesting. Even when it finally gets to the point where everyone takes their clothes off, I can't get interested. Anyway, Will likes Gwen, Gwen gets won over. The Calender gets a setback. They work through it. Everyone wins. This is all after generic misunderstanding # 17. She also realizes she likes smalltown. Who'd have thought that? Oh yeah, anyone who has ever seen one of these movies. EVER!!!

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I kinda miss High School Choir. I think I miss it more than anything else about high school. Crazy, no?

Notable Commercials: I really hate most of these Charmin commercials with the bears. It's kinda gross seeing the bears with TP stuck to their butt. I mean, who actually said, "Let's imply that the bears are crapping!" I know that anytime someone does one of these commercials does know that's the end product but still, whatever happened to, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin."

Late-Christmas Ideas:  A nice guy, a little to very geeky. Yeah, another year of being single down. So ugh. Oh well, always next year. Maybe I'll start looking up.

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being dinner alone, 10 being dinner aline in a room made by Frank Lloyd Wright and Escher.): 8

The Christmas Experiment 2009: Hours 21 & 22

Viewing Thoughts: So, Will is going to watch Undercover Christmas on Lifetime. Joy. Laughter. Children running in the streets at Rush Hour. We open on a waitress at some Christmas Themed Hooters bar. Apparently there's a market for this sort of thing. This being Lifetime (Television For Women) the waitress start out kinda selfish and becomes a woman scorned when her boyfriend refuses to take her home to Mom and Dad. As the waitress leaves, an FBI agent approaches her about the boyfriend being a con artist. We finally have a name for the waitress, Brandy O'Neil. The FBI agent's mom, played by Tyne Daly, sees him on tv, calls him and we get hammered home that Brandy and the workaholic FBI agent are going to end up together. Brandy, Jersey dame, gets put into witness protection with the FBI agent. In case you didn't already know, FBI man loves his work and his name is Jake. Brandy, being on Lifetime, is empowered by her desire to live it up rich and skanky. Jake's dad has a heart attack so they end up hiding out there. Anyone else see that coming? Anyone?

Brandy and mom hit if off with mom being revealed to be an alcoholic of the comical kind. Mom faked the heart attack to get her son home and then she uses emotional blackmail to keep them there. This is already better than A Smoky Mountain Christmas. Mom think they're sleeping together so insists on the two sharing a room. Seriously, this is already so much better. After leaving them, Mom wakes up her daughter to tell her that Brandy is a predator. Did I miss a crossover?

So, Brandy and Jake bond as Will once again  realized he's reviewing something he falls out of the Target Audience for.  Brandy has been getting cross-examined by the family who are all made out of solid ice. That's at least what it seems like to me. They seem to be very career driven and why do I feel like having Brandy around is going to thaw them out. Nice Ashley is the first to connect, confessing a crush. Daughter and Mom connect and talk about Brandy only wanting money etc. This being Lifetime, we now get the speech about empowerment. Brandy has been alone since 15 and apprently was a runaway.I figured out the problem with the family: They're WASPs and Brandy is now just messing with them at this point. She hits on Jake, they talk some more and Mom and Brandy connect thought baking and make-overs.

At this point, I want to make up an ending for the movie. The mob shows up to the big party. They kill all the guests. Will gets to watch something else. Unluckily, this is not to be. A pity. Instead, we get a rather predictable formula.Yuppies meet.Brandy is wearing an... interesting dress. I don't know what to think of it except that she should be trying to drink the blood of the guests. Ooooh, Christmas Vampires. They suck your blood under the mistletoe. Anyway, turns out the mob boyfriend's lawyer is at the party and tells the father. We have a big confrontation scene and Dad wants Jake and Brandy out of the house. Instead, they are to stay for Christmas. Mom and Dad argue and Mom says she doesn't love him. Being a WASP he shows on emotion. Maybe there are Christmas Vampires here. Oooh, now I get to go to my better movie world.

So, Jake and Brandy fight, the Niece yells that Jake messed it all up, and Jake admits to being in love with Brandy. This being Lifetime and no true life sticker being put on it, this is believable.  Instead, we have women blaming their mothers, ugly phones, and no Christmas Vampires. Seriously, the only way to kill them is with symbols of the holidays. They're allied with the Hanukkah Zombies and the mortal enemies of the Easter Werewolves. It'll be awesome.

It's Christmas morning. These beings WASPS, they get happy about relaxation pillows, drink coffee, and think that Christmas Sweaters are a good gift. I dunno. The ugly sweater with bells on it are kinda awesome in the one point where I laugh. Brandy puts on the sweater and exchanges one of her gifts for one. She then shakes her... talent... at Jake.

They start to leave and argue. Jake goes back to apologize for his mother. Dad is still being a Grinch regardless. Brandy wishes everyone a Happy New Year. She and Jake leave and the Christmas Vampires eat the entire WASP family. I'm just kidding. They just wave back. I'm waiting for the scene in a minute where Brandy gets kidnapped or Jake get kidnapped. It's coming any second now. Unluckily, it's not soon enough. Figures. Instead, first we get a scene between Brandy and her phone mom that is borderline stupid. She gets her Hotel room, Jake gets a separate one, the Christmas Vampires are down the hallway, and Brandy, being an idiot, just opens the door when the evil boyfriend shows up with gifts.

Evil Boyfriend tries to bribe Brandy. Brandy has been changed by the family and become straight edge and loves the new family Jake introduced her to. The guy is also wearing a Blue Leather Jacket. Ewww. Jake and Brandy talk, it's kinda stupid so I'm going to make up a different scene. The Christmas Vampires fight the mob Then the St. Partick's Day Demons and the Thanksgiving Brownies fight them with the help of the Fourth of July Cyborgs. Point is that Brandy is torn, unluckily not apart but emotionally. However, this is Lifetime SO, the family shows up, there's some fakey tension as to whether or not Brandy is going to testify (she does), and Brandy, Jake, and his family all get together and she takes Jake to meet her family: The Grand Court of Christmas Vampires. (I might have been making up that last part.)

Notable Commercials and Late Christmas Ideas: I miss Lego. There was a Lego commercial and I got to say, I want to buy some Legos just so I can build something. I kinda want to go out and buy one of those huge Lego sets just to build it.

The Tally
Number of Time Christmas Vampires could have saved this movie: 14
Mountain Dews Left: 8
Energy Drinks Left: 3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Sanity Rating (1 most guys, 10 being someone who can get surprised by the twists in a Lifetime Movie.): 6