The Christmas Experiment 2014: Hours 3+4: Random Specials

I was lucky enough that one of the local stations seems to be showing a fair bit of Christmas Stuff tonight. Or not so lucky. We'll see which.

Buster and Chancey's Silent Night: There is a small genre of Christmas Specials that try to tell the real story of a Christmas Special. Did you know that the creation of that classic Christmas Song, "Silent Night" involved some terrible German accents along with talking mice, one of whom sounds like Darkwing Duck? They show up just as a cat chases all the mice out of town. Yep, this is exactly what Franz Gruber was thinking.

I'm adorable at a third grade level.

The Littlest Orphan is also there to take in some soup and bread. We got an emotional manipulation tool... err... character. I bet she's heartwarmingly adorable in every scene she appears in! she hooks up with the mice. Meanwhile, two obvious thieves are trying to steal some golden treasure or something. They're pretending to be a count and his niece but they are so obviously evil, especially since they break into a villain song. They sing about Christmas being the best holiday for Thieves.

Oh god, Franz Gruber is a part of this special. He's doing the Christmas Pageant. Oh course. The Priest gives the Orphan he own room. She sings about her meager belongings. It's no Castle on a Cloud or Hard-Knock Life. She sucks at being an adorable Orphan. One of the mice wanders out and gets chased by the cat who cashes the girl, who runs into the mayor and the thieves who decide to be dicks to her and pin her as a thief. For no reason.

Listen, people, it's great to have a villain but there is little reason to make a villain who kicks a puppy. The cat is that also. The cat wrecks the church and the littlest orphan gets blamed. I feel like she exists to get stomped on by the world. Thankfully, one of the mice gets inspired by Jesus to save the day. I wish I could make this up. I really do. Also, oddly enough, the second the Littlest Orphan gets tied up, she suddenly looks more... err... robust. Someone has a particular thing they like and that's kind of not a good thing.

The day gets saved, Franz Gruber steals the melody for Silent Night from the mice, and the priest believes in The Littlest Orphan. Also, in another oddity, the special alludes to Jesus every way it can without actual saying Jesus once. Very weird. Oh, and The Queen of Austria takes the Littlest Orphan to some barely mentioned family.

The Nuttiest Nutcracker: What fresh hell?!? It's a CGI special with no lip-syncing, animation reminiscent of a Playstation Era Cutscene, and talking nuts of all kinds of stereotypes. This... this might be a new contender for worst Christmas Special. The Mouse King is plotting to kidnap food items to force them to mind cheese for him. Also, he's going to steal Christmas... for some reason. He also really wants to make out with the female human protagonist. It's weird.

Yeah, no, I'm not snyopsizing the rest of this. It's on Hulu. Just watch it. It's... it's bad.The central characters are various nuts but they cause various fruits to anthropomorphize and fight on their behalf. It just continues to get trippier. Magic portals, country music, homoerotic dance scenes between the Mouse King and his Adviser. Anarchy. Horrible, Horrible Anarchy!

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I feel like the hour long specials are a little too long. I think I prefer the more normal length ones.

Late Christmas Ideas: I could do with a fruit tray. Or just a fruit salad.

Notable Commercials: There's a commercial for some service to help high schools graduate a better rate. In December. They use the song, "School's Out For Summer."


Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 6
Amps left: 2
Coffee Drunk: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Untouched
Sanity Rating: (1 being Advil, 10 being hopped up on goofballs): 7