I usually start out with a movie. I feel no reason to change that.
Babes in Toyland: This is the Disney version from the 60s that stars Annette Funichello.I saw it a lot when I was kid, mainly since my sister would always get it out from the library I believe. I'll admit, my memory ain't what it used to be.
One of the things I had forgotten is that it starts out with a giant song and dance number. The main premise is that Mary Contrary is supposed to marry Tom Thumb but she's got a massive inheritance which token villain Barnaby wants. It's really only tangentally related to Christmas. Back to the song and dance number. It's the poor man's giant MGM style song and dance. It's fun enough but it lacks any true spectacle.
So, Barnaby is the world's most obvious villain. He has slicked back hair, a black suit, a Dracula cape, and a creep mustache.It's like someone looked through time to find out what John Waters would look like and figured, "This guy would make for an awesome villain!" There;s 1-dimensional villains and then there's 1-dimensional villains. He also lives in a creepy looking house. There's another notable adaptation where this villain lives in a bowling ball. I am not making that up. Anyway, he hires a couple of goons to kidnap Tom and some sheep. His goons are of the comic relief type so I don't see it going all that well.
After a lengthy and boring love song duet between our couple, the goons kidnap Tom who they're supposed to throw into the sea. The Rhodes Scholars that they are, they decide to sell Tom to some Gypsies instead. It's worth pointing out that the Gypsy Camp has a sign leading to it meaning that these are stationary Gypsies. Think about that for a second.
The next day, the goons are dressed as sailors who say that Tom Drowned. Bartleby seizes on Mary who seems to be taking care of every kid in town. Hopefully whoever left her a giant inheritance knew she would be the town foster mom. Anyway, Bartleby has a terrible song and dance number who he tries to seduce Mary by imitating a stricken chicken. I hope the choreographer for this never got work again. Mary refuses to marry him until, one song about missing sheep later, the sheep are gone. It's worth noting that the multitude of adults in town refuse to help the freaking kids who are now going to starve without the income the sheep were producing...something. The sheep ended up in The Forest of No Return, a place with a name you're more likely to hear in a D&D quest.
Hey kids, in your whimsical film musical, did you want to see a slightly trippy song and dance about accounting and doing a budget? You didn't? Well, tough because that's what you're going to get. Mary does her bills and realizes the kids are going to starve so she heads off to marry Bartleby. The kids, hearing my comment about a D&D quest, head off to the Forest of No Return to find the sheep.
Barnaby wakes the entire town to announce the wedding and, sure enough, he hired gypsies to entertain the town. The goons realize this surprisingly enough. Can you guess who shows up? Did you guess Tom, having embraced an alternative lifestyle as a crossdresser? You didn't? Because that's what happens. Apparently I have been misinformed about the Roma people. Anyway, in drag, he tells Mary that Tom is alive before revealing himself to the town. The movie should then be over except those kids just had to take the adventure hook.
Everyone ends up going into the Forest of No Return where the trees start singing. The DM really ran out of monsters on this one. The trees singing at the kids. Mary and Tom find them and the kids tell them matter of factly that they've been captured. The adults don't believe them. I kinda want the trees to attack them. Teach them to go into the obvious place the DM didn't want them going.
The trees awake and inform them that they're going to be taken to the Toymaker in Toyland. Cue the iconic song. Barnaby and Goons are following by the way. Turns out there's a castle in the middle of the Forest of No Return. It's almost like the DM had to think up something on the fly. Turns out the inside is all dilapidated. They peer in the windows and holy crap, the Toymaker is played by Ed Wynn! The voice of the Mad Hatter! His assistant has made a 3D Printer. I'm serious. Unluckily, Ed Wynn is completely nuts and breaks it when he tries to make everything. And this is why you read the instructions. Anyway, Ed Wynn orders his assistant to go upstairs and commit suicide.
The party reveals themselves The Toymaker has to make a deadline for Christmas and Tom and Mary offer the kids up as a slave labor camp who will work day and night. The kids do all the work while the adults watch and tell them to work harder. It's kinda sad that this is the second Christmas movie I've watched this season where the toys are produced by Child Slave Labor.
One sexist song about Annette being a doll later, the assistant comes in with his new invention which is a shrinking ray. Ed Wynn is briefly excited until he realizes that this amazing invention would probably not have application in the world of toymaking. he throws it out the window and Bartleby steals it. Ed Wynn gets shrunk. The goons have a face turn and get shot by the shrink ray rather predictably. I will say, as a kid, I always loved the film making tricks that went into making a person look small.
One wedding ceremony with terrible stand-up later, Tom animates all the toy soldiers... somehow. Wand of Animate Object? I dunno.They break up the wedding. The kids somehow sleep through this. Bartleby gets shrunk, he and Tom have a sword fight, Annette counts the days until she starts doing beach movies with Frankie Avalon, more bad humor. Bartleby gets defeated, the assistant builds a restoring gun, everyone's happy. Oh, and another pointless song and dance number.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Seriously, I get it, song and dance numbers are fun but are they seriously always necessary?
Late
Christmas Ideas: I wouldn't mind having a miniature Ed Wynn. Think of how easily I'd get annoyed.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 6
Amps left: 2
Coffee Drunk: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Untouched
Sanity Rating: (1 being living in a three bedroom/two bathroom house, 10 being living in a bowling ball):4
