The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 35+36: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Here we are at the end. Here we go.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Here we are at the end. If this is your first time, this is how I cap things off every year. This is my ninth go around. If you want to read any of my other musings, just take a click over at label.

I'm lonely. I'm going to be honest. I don't mind spending Christmas alone, this is  something that more and more feels natural. Hell, only once in the last 10 Christmases have I spent Christmas with family.  I guess I just wouldn't mind just... having someone around. Ehh, just part of being single in your 30s, I'm sure.

Even though they're all family, The Griswold Family Christmas is all about misfits coming together for Christmas. Sure, they have a family structure to draw themselves together but none of them what you would call normal. Christmas is just that. No one is normal. What even is Normal? Oh well. It's all good.

Late Christmas Ideas: Look, I say it every year and every year, no one gets me any. Moose. Antler. Glasses.

Final Tally
Mountain Dews drank: 1 Can
Coca-Colas drank: 1 Can
Kickstarts drank: 2 Cans
Coffee drank: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd
Sanity Rating: (1 being dinner with friends, 10 being dinner with your voices):7

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 33+34: Even More Food Network

I'm watching a lot more Food shows than usual this year. It's weird.

Iron Chef America: This time, it's three of the Iron Chefs and three chefs from The Cooking Channel. Three teams. One of the chefs is Michael Symon so I know who I'm cheering for. The Secret Ingredient is various ingredients from other Christmas episodes.

One of the things about Iron chef that I have always found astounding is  the way that the ingedients get transformed. For example, this time, one of the ingredients were fruitcake but no one did something like a fruitcake curstini. It's also incorporating it into sauces, crusts, places that fruit cake has no business being.

BTW, Michael Symon doesn't win. Very disappointed.

Holiday Baking Championship: So, Food Network runs a Baking Championship every year. This episode is the three winners along with Three Child Bakers. It's kind of not fair for the kids but whatever.

Each adult does get paired up with a kid. It's an entire thing. It's all cute but ehh. This entire thing is boring to me to be honest.

Non-Viewing Thoughts:  I'll admit, it might be fun to do this with someone else.

Late Christmas Ideas:  A good night's sleep. I feel like I'll be getting that shortly.

Notable Commercials: Well, at least they're just running ads for Day after Christmas Sales now. Good for them.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 2 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 0 Cans
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd
Sanity Rating: (1 being a candy cane, 10 being a candy caning): 6

The Christmas Experiement 2016 Hours 31+32: Some Holiday Specials

Okay, maybe watching specials from my child hood will make me a little less emotional.

Mickey's Christmas Carol: Uncle Scrooge is probably one of my favorite Disney Characters. Thus, I love this special a lot.  It keeps the story very simple but it works with what it has very well.

What I love here is how much it has going on while still working. The music is great, the animation is lovely, and the voice-acting is impeccable. I remember watching this growing up and there would be a promo on the next big Disney movie along with a couple of classic Disney Cartoons.

But I think my Main Reason to watch this one this year is Alan Young, the voice actor for Uncle Scrooge, passed away recently. David Tennant will be taking over the role in the upcoming Duck Tales animated series but I'm still saddened by all this. It makes The Ghost of Christmas Future extra macabre. 

The Year Without a Santa Claus: Mrs. Claus is potentially one of the most interesting characters in the Santa Lore. So little is done with her so she practically a blank canvas. That's part of why I love The Year Without a Santa Claus: Mrs. Claus gets to shine!

That all said, The Miser brothers are the ones who really star here. When you come to watch this special, they're the ones. The music is fun and their personalities are bombastic. This is actually one of the more musical specials for that matter. Tons of music that I like so woo there.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: "Marshmallow World" might be the Christmas Song I most enjoy that you never hear.

Late Christmas Ideas: Then again, New Egg Gift cards would also work more than a little okay for me.

Notable Commercials:John Lithgow is really pushing Progresso soup these days. I mean, it makes it look really good. I'm normally a Campbell's guy and prefer Progresso for brother and stock but this is still pretty decent looking.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 2 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 0 Cans
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2
Sanity Rating: (1 being A Year Without a Santa Claus, 10 being The Leprechauns' Christmas Gold): 6

The Christmas Experiement 2016 Hours 29+30: Not Even Remotely My Demographic

Okay, guess it's that time where I watch stuff that I have no business to know diddly about.

Austin and Ally: I think this is about two kid's who help other kids learn music or something? Not sure. One of the kids doesn't like Christmas. I can't wait to find out that she has a terrible homelife. So, as it turns out, her fahter is away on business. A kid working as an elf promises the girl Santa will bring her father home. Everyone on this is an idiot. Then again, that's part for course for most of this.

Awkward thing: The male lead is playing Jerffery Dahmer in an upcoming movie. I can't wait for parents to explain why they can't see his new movie.

Sofia The First: Okay, Disney has a ton of money to get the voice cast they do. This episode alone has Alyson Hannigan, Phyliccia Rashad, Nick Olferman, Tim Gunn along.  So, the entire plot of this episode is Princess Sofia is going into the woods to get Ice Lilies when she runs into a faun who was cursed with Ice Touch after seeing Frozen. I'm not joking. She asks a witch to give her an Ice Touch after heading about a princess who can freeze whatever.

Anyway, they pick flowers, Claire Huxtable doesn't want them, and Tiana from The Princess and the Frog appears to give advice on inner gifts. The Faun plays her pipes and it's enough for Claire Huxtable to grant a wish.

Girl Meets World: Mxed marriage families at Christmas. That's what this episode is about. It's a shame The Brady Bunch never did an episode about that. Instead, we had Carol Brady losing her voice.

And I just made myself sad.

Also, secret Santas are the other part of this and no one knows each other until they explain their gifts and then everyone likes their gifts. Seriously, there are a lot of shows on Disney Channel that sucks but this is the one that works. We have characters that feel natural, people learn, characters don't exist to make their one gag, and it actually has something to say. If I had kids, we'd watch it together.

K.C. Undercover: I've heard about Zendaya for a year but had no clue who she was. I vaguely remember an episode of Shake It Up and it making me want to claw my eyes out. As is, she's passable. This series also has a little girl named Judy who's a robot. I think. She also might be Jewish by the end of the episode because she hears about Judaism because of the pronunciation.





Non-Viewing Thoughts: I never really thought about it before, it's mainly been an abstract thought I very rarely considered, but I would like to have kids some day. The big problem is that I can barely take care of myself so I wouldn't trust myself with any other living thing. Hell, I can't even remember the last relationship I've been in.

Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to better control my emotions.

Notable Commercials: How the heck is Descendants still a thing?!?

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 2 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 0 Cans
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2
Sanity Rating: (1 being real spies, 10 being Austin Powers Spies): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 27+28: Classic Sitcoms

Older sitcoms are easier to make fun of.

Bewitched: ...wait. Okay, in this one, a racist visits the Stevenson household. Daughter Tabitha is friends with an African American girl. She uses her magic to change her friend white then uses her magic to turn herself black.

So, this is an episode that involves black face. And White Face. Yeah. If this weren't a Christmas episode, I'd run. Instead the two girls end up with dots on their faces while the company Christmas Party ends up at the house. This includes incredible racism. Because the 70s.

Darren's boss, upon realizing racism, decides he wants nothing to do with the racist. So, Tabitha uses her magic to make everyone appear black to the racist. Which involves everyone in black face. EVERYONE! Yeah. Look, I know, very important lesson about racism but this is more black face than a minstrel show.

Anyway, the racist realizes that racism is bad. Okay, Bewitched, I'm not forgiving you for the black face but this at least gets the Christmas Spirit of goodwill for all man. We could use that.

Gilligan's Island:  This is the Christmas episode with a large amount of the footage taken from the unaired pilot. It mainly centers on Gilligan making a Christmas wish that they would be rescued, it looking like they are going to, flashbacking to Gilligan wrecking the radio, and then not getting rescued in the present. Then Santa shows up and it turns out to be the real Santa but ehh. He doesn't save them.

Maude: Maude was Bea Arthur as Edith Bunker's liberal cousin. In this episode, Maude's employees want to unionize. She is all for it. Her husband isn't and wants to fire them all. We learn an important lesson about unionized labor being important in a civilized work place. It's okay.

Laverne and Shirley: Laverne and Shirley get talked into doing a performance for a psychiatric hospital. Most of it is making fun of the mentally ill which I really don't care for. Most of it is just an excuse for the actors to demonstarte being able to dance or sing or whatever.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: 70s sitcoms were alternatively very forward thinking, insane, and regressive as heck.

Late Christmas Ideas: I really should just post my Steam Wishlist here...

Notable Commercials: Apparently MeTV is getting the original McGuyver. Good for them. Still won't watch it.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 2 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 0 Cans
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being a Variety Show, 10 being a Variety of Poisonous Jellyfish): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 25+26: The Mistle-tones

Because I need another horrible made for TV movie in my life.

The Mistle-Tones: You know, ABC Family or Freeform, or whatever it's calling itself always puts out interesting specials. This one centers around Tia Mowery who wants to audition for The Snow Belles which is the Christmas Caroling group her mother founded. Too bad it's currently fronted by Tori Spelling as this movies's alpha bitch. I'm not joking. There are multiple close-ups on her seething.

Tia gets rejected from the Group because Tori Spelling is... wait for it.... an evil bitch! Tia also works for an evil corporation of evil that hates Christmas.

There is some bright sides for Tia Mowery. One) She has a sister in the movie who is not played by her real-life sister. She's that rare twin that has transcended twindom. Her dad is played by Reginald VelJohnson aka Carl Winslow, and she talks the mal manager into having auditions for who gets to perform at the big mall show. Yeah. This is all over who gets to perform at a mall. How about Robin Sparkles instead?

So, Tia starts forming a group while Tori Spelling curses out a mall santa and threatens to kill him. Her group is formed from her work place which has to be inappropriate but she recruits someone from HR so it balances out I guess?

After a rehearsal montage, Tia thinks something is off. After nearly killing a pedestrian, her car gets stuck in a snow drift. As luck would have it, she ends up at a kareoke bar where her boss  at Evil Corp is known as the King of Karaoke. He also table dances with some random chicks. Upon seeing Tia, he goes crazy about it. She blackmails him into joining her singing group. Yeah, this never ends well.

I just realized that all Christmas Movie protagonists are at least a bit sociopathic. Think about it. Name one who isn't. I can wait.

Anyway, Boss helps get the group into shape. Her and her boss are totally flirting. Okay, yeah, she should really be happy that HR owes them. Tia gets ambushed by Tori Spelling who offers her membership in the Snow Belles.

Tia entertains the idea of doing the Renegade action. Then he boss shows up with Kareoke so she goes Paragon. They then make out in the copy room. Yep, someone is really lucky that they have HR on their side. And making jokes about employee management fraternization. You know, this might be the most unethical place in all of Christmas Movie-dom.

However, The Boss is offered a job at the Southeast Asia offices of Evil Corp. Oh no! Well, I guess there's only one route to take: Use your new executive power to buy the mall and ship it to Southeast Asia.

So, our finale is pretty much the finale of Pitch Perfect with random singing groups showing off. The Mistle-tones love because The Boss doesn't show up.

Tia goes to wish Merry Christmas to Tori Spelling who doesn't know how to take someone wishing her happiness. She starts to have a core meltdown as a result. Meanwhile in the parking lot of the Karaoke Bar, The Boss has a band set up to sing. People show up, Tori Spelling freaks out because, remember where I said she was a total bitch? Yeah, she doesn't get any better.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I hate and love that acapella has become big.

Late Christmas Ideas: A copy of Pitch Perfect would be awesome. It's a good movie and almost definitely inspired this... thing.

Notable Commercials: Insurance commercials are also weird. Progressive has a singing pile of papers as well as Flo. Geico is getting weirder with a parade of spokes creatures.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 2 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 0 Cans
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being Decking the Halls, 10 being Decking The Mailman):

The Christmas Experiement 2016: Hours 23+24: Disney Parks Magical Christmas Celebration

It's that time of year again.

Disney Parks Magical Christmas Celebration: It really does feel like they have taken the emphasis off the Parade aspect. Just as well, they need ore room for Disney Channel Stars that Will can't be bothered to learn the name of.

Apparently they're also doing this as a sequel to a special earlier this season focusing on families visiting Disney at Thanksgiving. Because sure? That seems to be rather extensive for what used to be a two hour parade.

And there are a fair amount of performances. They aren't even trying to pretend that they're all happening on Christmas. I don't think I've seen a single parade float yet. Sure enough, once I do, it's Frozen. Because sure. Whatever.

Also filed firmly under whatever, Pandora. At Animal Kingdom. Because why the heck not? Seriously, what the heck?  I get it, Avatar was big. In 2009. Nearly a decade ago. But I will believe that the sequel is happening when it's in theaters. If it bombs, it's going to live on for years as that big folly Disney engaged in.

I will give the special this: they are still good at using it as a promo. For example, they spent a good five minutes promoting the Beauty and the Beast live-action movie and I'm kind of excited for it still.

So, most of the family stuff during this, I can give or take, Then we get to a family where the oldest sister raised the other two. It's kinda sad and Lilo and Stitch is what kept them together. I teared up a bit. Ohana.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: This really has been the perfect time to make dinner because this has mostly become nbearable fluff.

Late Christmas Ideas: I say it every year: A trip to Disney would rock. It's not going to happen but a boy can dream.

Notable Commercials: I think I will always appreciate the Coca-Cola Santa. Just always something I look forward to seeing.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being Ham, 10 being pickled pig hoofs): 4

The Christmas Experiement 2016: Hours 21+22: What the Heck?

In which I slowly lose my mind.

Too Cute: Apparently there's a program on Animal Planet. That's just animals. Playing. With no commentary. This is somehow a Christmas edition. Not quite sure how outside of they appear to be animals fascinated with Christmasy things. I don't know how much of this I can take?

As it turns out, about an hour.

CBS Sunday Morning: Look, I need to kill time, okay and nothing is on! So, here we are. CBS Sunday Morning is mostly soft stories, nothing too critical. So, I guess good for when you just woke up on Sunday morning.

Have I mentioned that it's also hard to comment on news? I am really bad at picking things out but I'm mostly going to be using this time to get my ham ready I want to eat around noon so that means starting a bit earlier.

Also, apparently "All I Want For Christmas" is 20 years old. I feel old.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Is making a 9 pound ham too much for one person? Probably but meh. Just means a ton of leftovers.

Late Christmas Ideas: I'm working on saving up for a new tower so random computer parts would rock hardcore.

Notable Commercials:I think the commercials are also telling me I need a new pair of glasses.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being Silent Night, 10 being Christmas Shoes): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2016: Hours 19+20: A Christmas Story

A Christmas Story: Right. I'm talked about this movie a lot. Go read some of those articles.

I will say, the parents don't get the credit they deserve for this. I mean, sure, Ralphie gets the most but they deserve a bit also. Then again, look at the sequel. actually, don't. Never watch the sequel.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Chinese at Christmas is still far from the worst meal that one can have.

Late Christmas Ideas: A fully cooked Turkey.

Notable Commercials: I love getting commercials to do my Christmas Shopping on Christmas day, the one day that no stores are open. At all.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being Mary Worth, 10 being Dick Tracy towards the end of the a plotline): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 17+18: A Very Geeky Christmas

Sure, geeky time.

Bob's Burgers: I'll be the first to say that I haven't watched a ton of this show. It's fun. This episode centers around the family getting a Christmas Tree at Christmas Eve. This turns into a repeat of the movie Duel. Sure, I can live with this considering the sheer amount of times that I've seen Groundhog Day get repeated, I'm cool with new and exciting homages. And it works. I might have to check out my Bob's Burgers.

Doctor Who: It's the first Holiday Special. It's... not great but it works for what it is. First off, you got a plot about aliens attacking Rose and Family, including a rapidly spinning Christmas Tree of Death. The other villains of the episode are barely threatening for that matter. The Doctor sits out for most of it which seems like a shame, especially when this is a New Doctor, his first major story.

I dunno. I mean, there were much worse Christmas Specials but this one just sticks out like a sore thumb because this is the only one that bucks the trend they all shared. The Doctor and a celebrity guest star engaging in some extra fantastical adventure. This one feels like just a longer episode and, since The Doctor is not yet established, it also has the awkward feeling of most regeneration stories thrown on it.

Still, I guess if you're going to introduce someone to Doctor Who, there are worse stories to use. It includes regeneration, it's something you can trick your parents into watching since it's Christmas. If they like what they see, awesome. Doctor Who is much more mainstream than it once was so they might enjoy it even.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: There is nothing more refreshing and clarifying than a hot shower.

Late Christmas Ideas: The time and energy to plan something to do with myself.

Notable Commercials: Adult Swim runs so really weird commercials. Just saying.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being traveling in a real time machine, 10 being expecting a hat labeled "Tim masheen" to work) : 6

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 15+16: Daytime in the Nighttime

Talk Shows. Sadly, I couldn't record the fourth hour of the Today show but whatever.

Everyone glares at the useless ones.

The Chew: For those of you new, this is ABC's Food Talk Show. Two of the five hosts are unnecessary. Mario Batali is alright, nothing special. Michael Symon is a very beautiful man. Carla Hall is wonderful. Also, she got really grey. And excitable.

Also, Matthew McConaughey is on this episode. I remember when he was the guy who did a ton of terrible movies. When did he become one of our most respected actors? It's kind of crazy how that just happened one day.

He's here to promote Sing. Everytime I see that movie get promoted, I want to break my head. Yeah, no.It's been literally everywhere and it's starting to get annoying.

The Nate Berkus Show: Oprah had many disciples who all went on to get their own shows. Nate Berkus was one but his show died. Thankfully, OWN still shows some of them. Also, unlike Dr. Phil, Nate is tolerable.

Most of his show is focused on lifestyle. Nothing is embarrassing family secrets or Faux Psychology. So, there are crafts and decorating projects as well as food stuff. He seems like he would be at home on The Today Show or something.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: You know, it would be awesome if I could spell Matthews McConaughey's name without looking at it and being sure that I spelled it so wrong that it's not even funny.

Late Christmas Ideas: Look at Oprah's Favorite things. Pick anything. That'll do.

Notable Commercials: I guess they always have but perfume commercials are weird. Take for example the one Julia Roberts commercial were her touch turns things to diamond. It's... a thing.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths
Sanity Rating: (1 being a cappuccino, 10 being a Big Gulp full of hot Heavy Cream and a coffee grounds): 6

The Christmas Experiment 2016: Hours 13+14: Random Holiday Crap

Okay, let's watch some random stuff.

A Musical Celebration of Christmas at Berea College: Mainly watching because it was on. It's music from a college campus in Kentucky. It happens. They're really pushing how great the school is. One of my besties went there so she can probably say better than me.

Happy Holidays America: This seems to be some kind of special designed to promote a few different movies/music/fill a time slot that would otherwise sit empty.

I'll be honest: I don't want to buy a single song featured in the special. I don't want to see a single movie promoted. I think I'll be good. Next thing!

Modern Family: This was back when the show was still good. In this one, everyone is going Christmas stuff at other times so they have to get everything ready for a quick Christmas. I guess the advantages of having a big, upper middle class family.

Look, this is why I try to avoid sitcoms. It's very hard to do commentary. It's funny enough, especially as everything goes wrong.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I miss Max on Happy Endings. He was a gay character on a sitcom who wasn't a total stereotype. Oh well, at least Mitchell is a decent character on this show. Cam on the other hand...

Late Christmas Ideas: I should probably edit one into the last one. Oh well. Can't think of anything. New glasses?

Notable Commercials: I want to see LaLaLand but the commercials are really doing a bad job of selling it to me.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, still cooling
Sanity Rating: (1 being New Year's Eve with close friends, 10 being Christmas with an insane asylum) 5

The Christmas Experiment Hours 11+12: Arthur Christmas

Right then, time to try another Christmas movie I've never seen, see if it's any good.

Arthur Christmas: This is one that I've been skipping. Not on purpose, it's just... look, Christmas is once a year and there are, at most a month to watch movies. Watching a Christmas movie in the off-season always seems like a weird idea. Naturally, things get missed.

The film centers the title of Santa being a generational thing, passed from Son to Son. What I enjoy about the film is that it is essentially tradition vs progress. Arthur wants to make Christmas great for every child. His father, the current Santa, and his brother, The Santa Next in Line, are more concerned with efficiency.

Arthur, who is in charge of the Letters department, ends up going with his gramps to get a present to a girl that had been missed.

Okay, look, I wish I could say that I cared about the movie at this point but some drama went on outside so had to deal with that and missed half the film.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: The nice thing about having the entire apartment to yourself? No one cares if you walk around in your underwear.

Late Christmas Ideas:

Notable Commercials: Patti LaBelle is a national treasure. She's also selling pies for Wal-Mart. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

 
Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 1 Can
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, still cooling
Sanity Rating: (1 being no drama, 10 being DRAMA!): 5

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 9+10: We Wish You a Wonder Woman Christmas

Time for some Wonder Woman. Yes, Wonder Woman. At Christmas.

Wonder Woman: You remember how we just had Cronenberg body horror? Well, we got more.  We're watching the 70s Lynda Carter Wonder Woman which had a Christmas episode. It's kind of awesome.

In this episode, some scientists have been replaced with androids. One of them melt right in front of a group of people into a puddle of goo and robot pieces. It's creepy as all get out. It keeps on happening also. At one point, Wonder Woman chases a man running out of a room and when she lassos him, he melts also. This is the most body horror Christmas ever!

One of the things I loved about the 70s Wonder Woman series is that they had the bathing suit costume but she was still an important character. Oh sure, it had camp but no more than say The Bionic Woman or any other 70s action series.

Anyway, the villain this time is an evil Toy Maker, played by Frank Gorshin, who is planning.... something. Not quite sure but it works. He even makes a Wonder Woman android. I... I'm really not looking forwards to her melting.

Anyway, Wonder Woman gets kidnapped.  When she escapes, we get Robot Wonder Woman vs Real Wonder Woman. Naturally, there's no way to tell the difference unless you know how this always works. The heroes win, it's all good.

The OC: You might wonder what any of this has to do with Wonder Woman? Well, this episode, "The Greatest Chrismukah Ever" has the character of Summer dress up as Wonder Woman. I'd post a picture but nah. The OC was that series that started just as I went into College so I don't have as much knowledge of it. Outside of Julie Cooper being awesome. Because she is.

The crux has to do with Adam Brody's character celebrating a mega-holiday because one parent is Jewish, the other is Christian. There's some other drama that I can barely be bothered to care about. It's teenage drama that meh.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I really want some Chicken parm. Like, good Chicken Parm that's crispy around the edges, nicely breaded. Need to stop. Getting hungry.

Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to better appreciate being single and alone at Christmas.

Notable Commercials: I saw a commercial for something called V.I.Poo which is apparently just stuff to make your bathroom smell better after... well... someone poos. They suggest giving it to everyone you know for Christmas. Yeah, how about no?

 
Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 6 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, out of the oven, cooling.
Sanity Rating: (1 being The Wicked Witch of the West melting, 10 being the whole of Videodrome) : 4

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 7+8: Christmas Special as Heck

Time to do some Christmas Specials.

Toy Story That Time Forgot: Toy Story 3 was, quite frankly, the pinnacle in a series that steadily got better as the series went on. I like that the special doesn't dimish the emotional resonance of the film. It's funny while still feeling completely part of the world.

So, this one is interesting. It kind of turns the paradign of the original on it's head. Instead of one character believing they're not a toy and the rest dealing with it, it's an entire playset that are unaware and a small bit of the cast that have to deal with it.

As it turns out, it's because the new toys have never been played with. I'm not sure if this is cutting social commentary or just fun. I'm leaning towards the second. Regardless, it works as a showpiece for Kristen Schall's Trixie.

Duck The Halls: A Mickey Mouse Christmas: Disney, in the last couple of years, has taken to doing a series of Mickey Mouse shorts with an accented retro pastiche style to them.  There's a charm to them that I'm completely in love with. Besides,, look at that image. Is that not the most adorable  Donald also?

Anyway, the special focuses on all the ducks migrating to get away from the cold weather while Donald wants to stay with his friends for Christmas. As it turns out, this is a no no because Ducks don't react well to the cold weather. It's something I wouldn't have really given thought to but it's still pretty awesome... until Donald starts wasting away. Like, this is slightly reminiscent of someone who has turned leprous.

I love when my Disney gets combined with body horror. And now I have to Google Disney and Cronenberg.

Oddly enough, I didn't get that many hits. Weird. Internet, you have failed me!

Anyway, they save Donald and everyone has Christmas in Florida. It's a good special, definitely recommend it.

Surprise! Instant X-Mas Carol: In which random celebrities surprise people with Christmas Carols. Including Shaq. I wonder if he's going to Green Egg and Ham it?

Sadly, he doesn't. It's mostly kind of candid camera. Not very remarkable. It's cute but just as many moments of weird humor.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Seriously, what the heck is figgy pudding?

Late Christmas Ideas: New Santa hat. I lost my old one is last year's move and never found it.

Notable Commercials:I find it weird that they're already promoting the Power rangers movie toys when the film doesn't even come out until next year. Also, find it weird that the internet is getting bent out of shape over pieces of plastic.

Also, I've seen promos for the new Duck Tales like five times and I'm so psyched!

 
Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 7 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 3 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, currently unbaked
Sanity Rating: (1 being Santa Claus, 10 being Santa's Slay Santa) 3

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 5+6: Lights and Dining

Okay, time for some random crap.

Invasion of the Christmas Lights 3:Oh, I'm sorry, you thought that being obsessed with getting

Christmas Lights right was local to America? Nope. This time, we're focusing on Europe. Some of the people are almost worse than The Americans. Imagine German efficiency with doing an insane Christmas display. That's what we see here.

That said, it's not just the Germans who go insane with it. They're just the most efficient. The British Family  does it with vastly limited space. There is little to no space between them and their neighbors. I'd probably call the neighborhood association and threaten to sue.

As much as I like to make fun of the German guy, the Italian Guy is the one in the picture. That's what this all comes down to. I can enjoy the ones where there's a degree of precision to it all. So many of these houses, when you see them, just look cluttered. I like one where there are fine lines. It's weird.

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives: Crap. Guy Fieri. Look, I'm a little heavy on food this time but it happens. BTW, I don't know if it's the thing he calls hair but he might be the most orange person I've ever seen and, in light of recent events, that's saying something.

I will give them one thing. It's easy to do a Holiday cooking special and just touch on traditional Christmas traditions. (Repetive much, Will?). Instead, there's a good variety. For example, we get a diner that specializes in matzo ball soup. Which actually looks pretty awesome! It's the best thing on the episode until we get to the Brisket Knish. I love a good Knish but these things look like heaven!

Also, if I go the rest of my life without hearing Flavor Town, it'll be too soon.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: I find it weird that they're still running commercials saying what stores are open late. I feel like you would have done something about it at this point or not.

Late Christmas Ideas: Merci looks like some decent Chocolate but I know I would just eat them all in like two sittings so no, maybe not.

Notable Commercials: I could describe this cheesy piece of crap Knee Brace Commercial or I could just post a link without commentary. I choose the latter.

 
Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 7 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 4 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, currently unbaked
Sanity Rating: (1 being looking at a problem and developing a well thought solution, 10 being deciding to fix a parking problem by cutting off the number of available entrances and exits): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 3+4: A Christmas Wedding Date

And now for another made-for-tv movie. Why? Because I hate myself. A lot!

And Quirky!

A Christmas Wedding Date: So, this one follows a woman, Rebeca, who gets fired on Christmas rom her high-powered corporate job. She fails to get a new job so she goes home for a friend's wedding. That's at Christmas Eve. What is wrong with people?

So, the cabby, played by George Wendt from the airport almost hits another car, gives Rebeca a Christmas Ornament, and leaves. I might add this woman also didn't tell her mom she was coming home for Christmas. I think? She has cookies ready. Does she always have cookies ready just in case? Oh, and The Mom is played by the mom from Child's Play/Seventh Heaven/Peggy Sue Got Married. Wow, she's been a bad mother in a ton of films.

The next day, Rebeca is a generally grinchy person. She heads to the wedding, tells off a girl scout, talks to her bitchy high school friends. The Wedding itself is being held in what looks like someone's living room. The reception is in that room off the living room that no one ever goes in.

So, the love interest, Chad, is played by Will from Nashville. He's kind of an obsessive about her. Bitchy Friend also wants him. Anyway, he's a chef. Sure. He and Rebeca dated in high school. There, that's all the information you needed to know.

So, Bitchy Friend uses her wedding speech to make fun of Rebeca. Rebeca Nomi Malones off to the diner where her mom works. Beefcake Chad follows her and they talk about what might have happened if she hadn't left. Oh god, is this going to be one of those Christmas Specials where she ends up in an alternate reality  where he life might have went different? Haven't covered one of those in a while. Or ever? Can't remember. Anyway, Rebeca can't trust Chad because he cheated on her with Bitchy Friend.

So, Rebeca goes home... and flashbacks to what happened in the first 30 minutes of the movie. Really? REALLY?!?! Why?

She wakes up the next morning, her mom is still wearing the same shirt. Wait... oh god.... IT'S ANOTHER GROUNDHOG'S DAY CHRISTMAS MOVIE! CRAP!!! Why can't I go a season without watching one of these things?

So, as it turns out, George Wendt has magic powers and has trapped her in a Christmas Wedding time warp. Wonderful. He gives her some vague rules about needing to find the answer to some question. Awesome. I hope she kills Bitchy Friend in one of her rotations.

So, most of the rest of Rotation 2 is spent with more of the same. No significant changes until she comes to Beefcake Chad. Then she demonstrates complete knowledge of the time stream ahead of everyone. She leaves and tries to get on a flight out of dodge but George Wendt has hijacked the airport and won't giver her another flight.

Rotation 3: Rebeca shows up early to the wedding and talks to the priest. He gives her a bit of Metaphysics and Dumb Theological Arguments for Dummies 101. She then buys an incredibly ugly dress and tells off Bitchy Friend. It appears she's going for being a force of chaos this time. This includes the ugly dress, doing shots, dancing with the drunk guy friend, punching the drunk guy friend, getting taken to jail.

Rotation 4: Rebeca decides she would rather spend the day with her mother. So, they both go to the diner to work, bond, etc. She also uses the work Credit Card to buy herself a nice dress and a dress. George Wendt shws up on the TV to lecture Rebeca about valuing people over objects and money.

Rotation 5: Rebeca is at the diner when The Bride-to-be comes in. Rebeca has started to show signs of understanding. The Bride says that Beefcake Chad never cheated with Bitchy Friend. She walks around with Beefcake Chad and awww, they're cute together. Oh, and then the term Big City gets used.

Rotation 6: Rebeca decides to learn how to iceskate.

Rotation 7: Rebeca decides to learn how to bake.

An indiscernible amount of Rotations later (at least 3-6): Rebeca knows how to bake and ice skate. She also snores at the wedding.

Rotation... let's say 14: Rebecca is a master Ice Skater and goes with Beefcake Chad.  Also, Rebeca is thoroughly creepy with having learned everything about everything about everyone at this point.

Later,  This time, Rebeca buys all the Christmas Cookies from the Girl Scout and hands them out to random people on the street. She's being nice to everyone until Bitchy Friend. She threatens to rip out her hair of before firing the band and replacing them with a string quartet. Wedding goes perfect so probably the last rotation? After the wedding, she has a good conversation with Beefcake Chad. She then takes her to a restaurant where she cooked dinner. It's kind of creepy. Really creepy.

So, Rebeca gives a speech at the wedding  which is commonly reserved for members of the wedding party but this is a made for tv movie, Goddamnit! Screw protocol! Wedding dance happens, including Mom dancing with Drunk Guy because sure? Is Drunk Guy going to be her new daddy? Also, more flashbacks. This movie is less than two hours. How many flashbacks could you develop? Or Need?!? So much padding!

So, Rebeca wakes up. It's Christmas Morning! The Rotation is over! Woo! Our movie is finally ending! YEAH!!! Rebeca has decided to move home. Meaning she's going to leave all her possessions in New York. And walk out on her apartment lease. Yeah, that's really smart Rebeca. Oh, but she's engaged. Yeah.... no.

Non-Viewing Thoughts:  I wonder, if Unicef and ASPCA spent half their advertising budget on their actual charity, if there would be a better world?


Late Christmas Ideas: A Time Warp so I can get good enough at something to actually do something with my life.

Notable Commercials: I miss when Sarah MacLachlan was in all the ASPCA commercials.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 7 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 4 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, currently unbaked
Sanity Rating: (1 being a Christmas Party, 10 being Four Christmas Weddings and a New Year's Funeral): 4

The Christmas Experiment 2016 Hours 1+2: Home Alone: The Holiday Heist

Because sometimes you just can't let a franchise die!

Home Alone: The Holiday Heist: Because there has to be a fifth one in this series. For some reason.

AHH! I'm in a crappy sequel to a movie released before I was born!

This one centers on a family that moves to Maine. The dad is boring but slightly practical. The mom is obsessed with her job. The daughter is a jerk, obsessed with her phone. The son is scared of his own shadow/plays video games. This is the full extent of their personalities. They got a new house that the son, Finn, thinks is haunted.

Thieves want to break into their house because apparently some bootlegger used to live there and might have left a painting worth millions. The lead thief is played by Malcolm McDowell who is collecting our Ben Kingsley Paycheck here. There's also The Chick who is obsessed with the last safecracker. In addition, they have a new Safecracker who is a nitwit.

So, Finn the Son is obsessed with playing shooters and doesn't have any real friends. He finds the safe with the painting in it downstairs almost immediately. It even has the painting painted on the front. How did the realtor or previous tenants never find that? Someone would have had an extra few millions by now!

Anyway, he meets the kid across the street who tells him the house is haunted. Said kid is also obsessed with snow. Something tells me that they have a worn out copy of Frozen...

So, the kid has already booby trapped his room for ghosts... and owns a stun gun. What kid owns a stun gun?  His parents aren't amused.

While out getting a tree, the thieves break into the house. They open the safe... which is empty. Okay, maybe someone was smarter than they realized. They decide to come back during the holiday party the family has been invited to.

Speaking of the party, the mom is obsessed with it. The kids, not so much. She goes crazy, tells the kids to stay home and then takes away their phones. I'm sure she won't regret that if one of them cuts their hand off by accident. Or it's an ill-thought out plot thread. At least the mom in the original seemed to care about her family.

As is traditional with Home Alone protagonists, Finn is a sociopath. Finding himself alone, he goes out of his way to destroy and wreck the house. No clue if he will inflict what should be lethal harm on one of the thieves.

Malcolm McDowell injured himself and turns out the painting is of his great grandmother. Meh.

Oh, The Daughter still has the phone.  Not that it does her any good when they find a secret room in the safe that leads into a room full of booze. She gets locked in there. Finn doesn't notice.

Finn plays online and talks to a 23 year old online. I'm not joking. Turns out the guy is in college and isn't visiting his family for Christmas. Finn proceeds to shame him over this. I'm not joking. THIS! THIS FREAKING SCENE! Just because you don't visit family for Christmas doesn't mean you can't have Christmas! I do it ever year. I hope this is the one where the thieves kill the kids because Finn could use a shovel upside the head.

Speaking of the thieves, the thieves show up. Finn's 23 year old college friend pep talks him. The thieves leave. Finn tries to get his sister out of the basement. While out, he runs into Malcom McDowell. He figures out that there is no ghost, only thieves.

Finn, continuing on the road to being a sociopath, gets pointers to treat his real-life like a video game. So, he builds traps. From the sequence, this appears to be done via creating an army of clones. I get that this visual effect was created to make it look like time has passed but it instead really is more like the kid is a little Jamie Madrox.

The hardest part to recap of any of these films is the trap sequence. It mostly involves the thieves being idiots/the kid display levels of prescience that would put a psychic to shame.

In the midst of all this, The Daughter is reading War and Peace. I guess there are worse times to read the classics.

Finn the Kid talks to his 23 year old friend online. The 23-year old suddenly realizes that the kid was talking about something actually freaking happening. Finn the Kid doesn't react well to someone inquiring about his safety so he leaves the call. The phone is actually dead so no getting through to the cops that way either.

The parents finally start heading hone. The 23-year old has hacked XBox Live to find their credit card information to call them. Okay, let's take a step back and look at that sentence. A 23-year old. Has hacked an online service. To get a phone number. Right. This is screwed up. The parents, understandably, are upset and think that the 23-year old has kidnapped their kid. I feel like this movie ends with Chris Hanson.

The kid attacks the thieves. Meh. They figure out that the kid is the one attacking them. Meh. They lock the kid in the car.

An entire SWAT team storms the 23-year old's apartment. I'm pretty sure that's a bit illegal.

The neighbor kid who is obsessed with snow starts attacking the neighbors. I don't know if this kid just lives in the front lawn of the other house.

So, the thieves get locked in the safe, the cops go to the right house, and the neighbor kid is in the process of encasing The Chick Thief in a snow man where she will probably die. Note to self: Never mess with someone obsessed with snow.

The painting also gets returned to the museum. The family gets passes to it as well as 30,000 dollars. Crazy Mom also apologizes to the 23-year old by buying him plane tickets home. Yeah, that's some great consideration there. Oh well, this movie isn't great. Still probably not the worst thing I'll watch today.

Non-Viewing Thoughts:  I'm making a ham tomorrow. Should be nice.


Late Christmas Ideas: A weather device so I can go to the movies on Monday.

Notable Commercials: There's the commercial that has a dad singing Taylor Dyne's "Tell It To My Heart" in the car. It's supposed to be for Cheetos. It's more bizarre than anything else.
 Especially since he looks 40 at most so I guess he's old enough to have grown up with an 80s pop dance song but still.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 7 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 4 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, currently unbaked
Sanity Rating: (1 being a White Christmas, 10 being Christmas in Siberia): 3

The Christmas Experiment 2016: Prelude

Look, people, I seem to be a stickler for pain. So, once again, we are doing The Christmas Experiment. And, once again, we're doing a full 36 hours.

Because I hate myself.

My Santa's so fancy, you don't even know.

A lot!

If this is your first year, here's the basics.

1. I'm watching 36 hours straight worth of Christmas related programming.  
2. All of this is coming from either broadcast telelvision or DVR. I have recently started using Playstation Vue so I have a few programs saved up. I'm going to be a bit more lax on pre-recorded programs this year because there isn't much on today oddly.
3. Every two hours or so, I'll post my commentary on the past two hours. This is mostly stream of consciousness with little real editing. Because lazy.

So, every year, I chart certain things:

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Just the random stuff that pops into a sleep-deprived mind.  

Late Christmas Ideas: In case you're thinking of buying me something but were lazy about it, you jerk.

Notable Commercials: Commentary on some of the commercials that have popped up.

I also chart my consumables and current sanity level. Sanity is rated on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 usually being something boring and 10, well, not. So, join me back here at 2 PM ET when the first post goes up. Good times.

Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 7 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 4 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, currently unbaked