Home Alone: The Holiday Heist: Because there has to be a fifth one in this series. For some reason.
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| AHH! I'm in a crappy sequel to a movie released before I was born! |
Thieves want to break into their house because apparently some bootlegger used to live there and might have left a painting worth millions. The lead thief is played by Malcolm McDowell who is collecting our Ben Kingsley Paycheck here. There's also The Chick who is obsessed with the last safecracker. In addition, they have a new Safecracker who is a nitwit.
So, Finn the Son is obsessed with playing shooters and doesn't have any real friends. He finds the safe with the painting in it downstairs almost immediately. It even has the painting painted on the front. How did the realtor or previous tenants never find that? Someone would have had an extra few millions by now!
Anyway, he meets the kid across the street who tells him the house is haunted. Said kid is also obsessed with snow. Something tells me that they have a worn out copy of Frozen...
So, the kid has already booby trapped his room for ghosts... and owns a stun gun. What kid owns a stun gun? His parents aren't amused.
While out getting a tree, the thieves break into the house. They open the safe... which is empty. Okay, maybe someone was smarter than they realized. They decide to come back during the holiday party the family has been invited to.
Speaking of the party, the mom is obsessed with it. The kids, not so much. She goes crazy, tells the kids to stay home and then takes away their phones. I'm sure she won't regret that if one of them cuts their hand off by accident. Or it's an ill-thought out plot thread. At least the mom in the original seemed to care about her family.
As is traditional with Home Alone protagonists, Finn is a sociopath. Finding himself alone, he goes out of his way to destroy and wreck the house. No clue if he will inflict what should be lethal harm on one of the thieves.
Malcolm McDowell injured himself and turns out the painting is of his great grandmother. Meh.
Oh, The Daughter still has the phone. Not that it does her any good when they find a secret room in the safe that leads into a room full of booze. She gets locked in there. Finn doesn't notice.
Finn plays online and talks to a 23 year old online. I'm not joking. Turns out the guy is in college and isn't visiting his family for Christmas. Finn proceeds to shame him over this. I'm not joking. THIS! THIS FREAKING SCENE! Just because you don't visit family for Christmas doesn't mean you can't have Christmas! I do it ever year. I hope this is the one where the thieves kill the kids because Finn could use a shovel upside the head.
Speaking of the thieves, the thieves show up. Finn's 23 year old college friend pep talks him. The thieves leave. Finn tries to get his sister out of the basement. While out, he runs into Malcom McDowell. He figures out that there is no ghost, only thieves.
Finn, continuing on the road to being a sociopath, gets pointers to treat his real-life like a video game. So, he builds traps. From the sequence, this appears to be done via creating an army of clones. I get that this visual effect was created to make it look like time has passed but it instead really is more like the kid is a little Jamie Madrox.
The hardest part to recap of any of these films is the trap sequence. It mostly involves the thieves being idiots/the kid display levels of prescience that would put a psychic to shame.
In the midst of all this, The Daughter is reading War and Peace. I guess there are worse times to read the classics.
Finn the Kid talks to his 23 year old friend online. The 23-year old suddenly realizes that the kid was talking about something actually freaking happening. Finn the Kid doesn't react well to someone inquiring about his safety so he leaves the call. The phone is actually dead so no getting through to the cops that way either.
The parents finally start heading hone. The 23-year old has hacked XBox Live to find their credit card information to call them. Okay, let's take a step back and look at that sentence. A 23-year old. Has hacked an online service. To get a phone number. Right. This is screwed up. The parents, understandably, are upset and think that the 23-year old has kidnapped their kid. I feel like this movie ends with Chris Hanson.
The kid attacks the thieves. Meh. They figure out that the kid is the one attacking them. Meh. They lock the kid in the car.
An entire SWAT team storms the 23-year old's apartment. I'm pretty sure that's a bit illegal.
The neighbor kid who is obsessed with snow starts attacking the neighbors. I don't know if this kid just lives in the front lawn of the other house.
So, the thieves get locked in the safe, the cops go to the right house, and the neighbor kid is in the process of encasing The Chick Thief in a snow man where she will probably die. Note to self: Never mess with someone obsessed with snow.
The painting also gets returned to the museum. The family gets passes to it as well as 30,000 dollars. Crazy Mom also apologizes to the 23-year old by buying him plane tickets home. Yeah, that's some great consideration there. Oh well, this movie isn't great. Still probably not the worst thing I'll watch today.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I'm making a ham tomorrow. Should be nice.
Late Christmas Ideas: A weather device so I can go to the movies on Monday.
Notable Commercials: There's the commercial that has a dad singing Taylor Dyne's "Tell It To My Heart" in the car. It's supposed to be for Cheetos. It's more bizarre than anything else.
Especially since he looks 40 at most so I guess he's old enough to have grown up with an 80s pop dance song but still.
Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 7 Cans
Coca-Colas Left: 4 Cans
Kickstarts Left: 2 Cans
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie, currently unbaked
Sanity Rating: (1 being a White Christmas, 10 being Christmas in Siberia): 3
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