Let's look at how The History Channel has changed.
Modern Marvels: Christmas Tech: To be more honest, if we had a show telling us about how Hitler was actually Jesus, it would represent early History Channel when it was The Hitler Channel but that's beside the point. Modern Marvels feels like classic History Channel. It's boring but informative. First, Christmas trees are awesome. For that matter, we get to learn even more about how people put together their freaking Christmas Displays. I can never get away from this stuff.
The Final segment is on Fruit Cakes. The way that it's mass produced makes me glad I've never had a taste for the stuff. On the bright side, the stuff they're showing only lasts around 6-8 weeks so it's not as bad. Maybe.
Pawn Stars: I could also have watched something about Jesus being an alien but I prefer the obviously staged nature of this show. In this episode, people wear Christmas things and a secret Santa occurs. I will say, the fact that they mainly look at things of a historical nature does work to make it feel like an honest to God History Channel program. Then we get yet another "Chumlee is an idiot" segment and I'm out of it again.
Of course, we get a second episode about a Christmas Party. No one brings in anything of note and they all walk away disappointed. It's pretty painful to be honest and I think I'll stick to Antiques Roadshow for my watching people try to sell stuff, thank you very much!
Notable Commercials: Viagra commercials have next to nothing to do with erectile dysfunction anymore. You could easily think it was any other medication commercial these days.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I can't even remember the last time I was involved in a Secret Santa. It sounds like it would be fun.
LateChristmas Ideas:I wouldn't mind going to Vegas someday.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 10
Amps left: 1
Coffee Left: All Gone
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left
Sanity Rating: (1 being a bowl of plain rice, 10 being rice molded into the shape of a turkey complete with rice gravy): 4
I haven't had a hodge podge two hours yet. Not really.
World's Funniest Christmas Moments: Okay, I'll be honest. When I put this in the schedule, I was hoping it was some kind of local Christmas thing. Instead, it's George Lopez and a woman I don't recognize hosting the poor man's Funniest Home Videos/Candid Camera. It's terrible. Well, more lazy than anything else.
The Yule Log: Hallmark is running one that has a cat and dog running around. Pretty sad and pathetic to be certain. Around the same time I hear Josh Groban, I realize that Christmas Shoes could strike at any time. Yeah, no. No. NO!!!! So, I decide to have my own soundtrack. What would that be? Why, my dear fellow internet users, that would be the Tranquil Tirades!
Why, you've never heard of the Tranquil Tirades? It's a wonderful podcast with this month's episode featuring Christmas "Classic" Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny. When it goes live in Earth-2.net later on, you should take a listen. You'll have so much fun!
I'll admit, I'm partially doing this to give myself some me time. I need some time to take a shower or something.
Notable Commercials: Where do local newscasts get the music for their commercials?
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I kinda want to watch The Room again.
LateChristmas Ideas: The Room on DVD? I dunno.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 10
Amps left: 1
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rds.
Sanity Rating: (1 being a match, 10 being ): 6
I always like looking at something not quite fictional during this night.
Invasion of the Christmas Lights: A part of me suspects I've watched this one before. Regardless, it feels new. I find it interesting that this one is actually dealing with the people who don't care for the big bright displays. They aren't shown but their effect is shown. People sabotaging them, complaining to the police, pandemonium. One guy got convicted with two years of probation. I've never seen the appeal in decorating the house for Christmas but that's just me.
That's not to say that they don't create some beautiful displays. I just think of the electrical grid I shutter what they're doing to the their bills.
Building Off the Grid: North Pole: The entire idea of this show is building houses outside of civilization, off the electrical grid. In this case, the mayor of North Pole, Alaska is building a cabin 16 miles off the roads. This is a whole different level of dedication. This is moving where you're lucky to get any cell phone service, where a rogue fire could wipe you out.
Notable Commercials: Okay, let me level with you all. I know that earlier, I said that there were super creepy old Ronald McDonald commercials. Well, that's nothing compared to what they're currently using for Happy Meals. That thing might make Rape-Whistle Ronald cringe!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: It's weird where you see old friends you haven't seen in forever and where they just pop up.
LateChristmas Ideas: I need some more pairs of jeans. I'm running low.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 10
Amps left: 1
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths. Sanity Rating: (1 being full WiFi, 10 being lucky to have running water): 5
Viewing Thoughts: Speaking of movies I fondly remember watching with my sister on VHS, we have the Laurel and Hardy version of Babes in Toy Land, March of the Wooden Soldiers. I watched a different version of this last year. I'm not going to recap since, while it is different, it's similar enough that I see little reason to do so.
Oddly enough, after a little research, I found that the freaking Disney version is more in line with the original operetta than this one. While some of the songs are kept in both films (though used in different contexts), the plots are different. This is mainly since you had a well-known comedy team starring. You gotta accommodate them somehow.
Most of the movie is centered towards Barneby wanting to marry Little Bo Peep, Laurel and Hardy trying to get her out of it, horrible things happening. Most of the end has to do with our villain rallying his troops in Boogeyland to take over Toyland so he can rule it all. Cue the title.
Notable Commercials: Celine Dion is doing late night commercials now. I don't know whether to feel bad for her or take a little happiness in how she has fallen.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I'm realizing I have a lot more fond memories of my sister than I remember. Funny how that can happen sometimes.
LateChristmas Ideas:I admit, I could go for a tall soldier made of wood or... yeah, not finishing that thought...
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 10
Amps left: 1
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths. Sanity Rating: (1 being giving something home made, 10 being giving something homemade from dryer lint): 5
Frosty the Snowman: I've discussed this one way back in the day. It's been a while I figure I can make a repeat if I want to. Besides, I haven't discussed the sequel and I feel I need to have watched it in order to accurately talk about this. Thankfully, CBS always shows them together.
What I love about Frosty is how simple the story is. Frosty shows up. An evil Magician chases Frosty and a little girl as they head to the North Pole. Santa saves the day. We hear a classic Christmas song. Awesome.
Frosty Returns: Less notable. Sure, it has John Goodman as Frosty but something about it never seems to gel. Maybe it's the fact that the story gets complicated. A little girl feels left out, Frosty appears to pep talk her but then the entire plot gets hijacked by a rich guy wanting to become king of the town by eliminating all snow with no consideration for the environment.
Yep, that's right. This becomes an environmental message. Mixed with a self-esteem message. Umm, listen, I know that mixed messages is a popular term but rarely this literal.
Oh, did I mention that the rich man that wants to become King of the Town raps? Yeah, rapping. Really bad rapping. The kids these days like rap, right? Right! Rich guy wants to kill Frosty because he sees him as a threat to his megalomanical plan to take over this town by eliminating Snow. This guy does not plan very well, okay? Or have a good grasp on how most forms of government work.
The little girl brings out Frosty, everyone is convinced the Snow is awesome and... Frosty gets declared King. As it turns out, this might be a retelling of the end of A Song of Fire and Ice as told by the victors. Frosty is a White Walker. Just saying. He won the game of thrones.
The Story of Santa Claus: Filed firmly under the specials that time forgot, we have The Story of Santa Claus, complete with more Ed Asner. Also Betty White as Mrs. Claus. The main premise is that Santa and Mrs. Claus get evicted from their home and end up in a storm that sends them to the North Pole. Really?
I should stop being surprised by the amazing leaps in logic that Christmas Specials end up taking.
Anyway, they encounter Elves lead by an Elf Wizard voiced by Tim Curry. Santa saves an annoying child forcing the elves to grant them a wish. Santa wishes he could deliver a toy to every child in the world. The elves don't like this since since apparently the wish is impossible and if they don't follow through, every elf in the world loses their magic. Good job breaking it, Random Elf Child!
Santa recruits the Elf Children to help him. Tim Curry Elf is smart enough to realize that using Children as a work force is wrong but Santa doesn't care and they keep working, eventually inspiring the adults to join in as part of Santa's slave force. From there, it stays pretty simple. Santa and the Elves work, Elf Wizard Tim Curry bemoans that the impossible can't be achieved and doesn't try to help despite at least being a higher level mage.
So, Elf Wizard Tim Curry is pretty much forced to help Santa since, otherwise, you know, the losing all the magic thing happens. How does he do this? With freaking lightning and metal as f*!& special effects! Also probably a little dark magic. Rather, a lot of dark magic is the red glowing eyes are any indication.
I alos hate to point it out but they're also going in the wrong direction. Santa started in North America and went East. You're never going to succeed in doing it in one night when you're going towards the sun. Santa also gives a kid a knife so he can learn to widdle. Hopefully that's what he does with it also. Otherwise, things are going to get dark, fast.
The elves make Santa and Wife honorary elves which makes them immortality and they're going to do it every year now. Good for them. Kinda sucks for the elves but whatever.
Notable Commercials: There's a Hanukkah commercial. That is kind of awesome!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I wonder if Summer Wheeze, the snow destroying spray from Frosty Returns, got into the atmosphere because the weather in Ohio is freaking insane right now. I mean, really!
LateChristmas Ideas: Some new bedding would rock.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 10
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 1 Bottle
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths. Sanity Rating: (1 being believing in something, 10 being believing in Madame Cleo): 4
Viewing Thoughts: One of my aunts had recorded this off of HBO for my sister and me when we were young. We would watch it all the time when we were little. It's a movie I've always associated with the holidays.I don't think I've sat down to watch it since I was a kid. Now, Ernest Scared Stupid. That's a movie I feel like I've seen like 100 times.
The thing is, I know this isn't a great film but it never feels cynical, it never loses track of it's heart. The Ernest character is dim but not stupid. It's that good kind of heart-warming, funny when it needs to be but never makes me want to scream at the screen that it needs to stop giving me a cavity.
The only moment that the plot really ever seems to falter is some of the stuff with the character of Harmony, the runaway that hangs out with Ernest most of the movie. I want to say I feel like she brings something to the plot outside of being the cynical voice for Ernest to bounce off of and contrast with but she often comes off as just plain annoying.
The thing that I've realized as I've gotten older is how much of some of the Ernest films are borrowed from some of the commercials Jim Varney shot in the 80s. Go and find any of the Ernest commercial compilations online. Go ahead. I can wait. So many of them are in the Ernest films. The Pancake one and some of the party ones are full on on feature here.
Notable Commercials: There are so many abbreviated infomercials in here. Work out machines, Proactiv, crap that people would buy for some reason but
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I'm not sure if Santa Slay, the fictional movie in this movie is as good as Santa's Slay, the terrible yet awesome movie from 2005 starring Jim Goldberg. I hope it would be.
LateChristmas Ideas: Some decorations for the apartment now that I think about it.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 10
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie (Still cooling off) Sanity Rating: (1 being Comfort and Joy, 10 being Kill The Bat Boy): 4
Time to watch a couple of Christmas specials since there's always a good time for that.
Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol: This is actually the first animated Christmas Special made especially for TV. It is one of the best, even with the choppy, limited animation that is a hallmark of the series that came after it. This feels like one of the most told stories of all time but still a classic. Things have been cut from the broadcast. I mean, the original was 53 minutes while your average tv program runs 44 minutes now a days.
The music is the other reason I feel this is a classic. The same team that worked on this one, Julie Styne and Bob Merrill, also wrote the music for Funny Girl, the musical that gave us the great Barbra Streisand. It's a beautiful musical that stands against some of Broadway's best.
The one thing I feel that most needs to be spotlight is the voice of Jim Backus as Mr. Magoo. Most people will always know him as Thurston Howell the Third on Gilligan's Island but this is also home for him and he brings just the right amount of pathos, pain, and avarice as Scrooge. He sells the gradual redemption so well with his voice.
Frozen in Time: Because every year I need to watch one special that no sane person has ever seen before. At first, it seems like a special all about a family going to Grampa's for Christmas. Then it turns into so much more because... GROUNDHOG DAY!!! Seriously, this is the third of these things that I've seen in all these years.
So, it turns out Grampa, voiced by Ed Asner, is a mad scientist. The parents are in the top 10 of bad holiday parents. They seem to take extra zeal in punishing their children though their children are pretty bad. The kids bring their dog along despite being told not to and it nearly gets them killed in the process. The two kids in the lead of these movie have no survival instinct. Anytime they see something that will probably get them killed, they go for it.
As far as time loops go, they're not very perceptive. It takes until the complete end of the first loop for them to realize what's going on. They barely learn any lessons the third time out. By the sixth, it does feel like they have stuff figured out and are getting bored with it. The kids try being good and only think to ask Grampa, the mad scientist, after like 10 or 11 cycles.
Turns out the solution is the ultra-intuitive, "We have to go the North Pole and fix the problem because Santa has the main clock causing the time loop." Yep, I guess that's what Bill Murray was missing the entire time. Talking to Santa Claus. Makes total sense. The kids barely react to their Grampa knowing Santa Claus by the way.
It's not a great special by any stretch of the imagination but I guess it could be worse.
Notable Commercials: I like Fred Armisen but something about these Old Navy ads he's doing in drag is annoying. I don't mind drag just... really?
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I know Groundhog Day is pretty much perfect but do we really need to see it inserted this much into Holiday Films?
LateChristmas Ideas: That this is the last time I have to go through this cycle. Seriously, this is the 479089th time I've repeated this day. I've lost count of the number of times I've seen Ernest Save Christmas!
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 11
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie (Out of the oven, cooling off) Sanity Rating: (1 being Deja Vu, 10 being Deja Voodoo): 5
Viewing Thoughts: This is a movie that I'm always seeing on lists of not so good Christmas movies but I'm always seeing it on TV or Netflix so let's so how it really is. I mean, it does star Tim Allen. But, it also stars Jamie Lee Curtis.
The movie is basically about a thoroughly unlikable couple going through empty nest syndrome. Instead of doing Christmas in Chicago by themselves, they decide to go on a cruise. Jamie Lee has moments of being unlikable but Tim Allen is the very definition of a protagonist?. His idea is a total boycott on Christmas, including the charitable donations. It even extends to giving gifts to other people and writing memos that make him seem like the biggest jerkwad ever.
So much of this movie, for that matter, is WASP problems. As a lower class, not so white person, it's annoying. The thing is, it's not even Tim Allen and Jamie Lee. EVERYONE acts like these two suburbanite's not doing Christmas is the end of the world. Her friends hate that the big Christmas Eve Party isn't going forward. Their neighbors act like they're Satan. Actually, the neighbors kind of are taking domestic terrorism tactics on them. This is probably something I just won't ever understand because of my position in life.
Of course, the big annoying bullcrap of the entire movie is the daughter. Maybe this is just me but when you decide to call on someone for the holidays, you give good notice of when you're going to be there, you don't invite yourself over on the way! Seriously, the entire freaking premise is centered around the daughter just deciding to surprise her parents with her going home without consulting. I get it: this is a girl that's been used to things being a certain way her entire life. It doesn't change how disingenuous it feels.
The only moment that I really start to feel for this movie is during it's third act when everyone in the neighborhood comes together to save Christmas. It's the only time in this entire blasted movie that it feels like the Christmas spirit is anyplace in here. Everything else is just so mean-spirited that I can never feel it. And Tim Allen still manages to ruin it by being a crap basket. Even one final bit of uplifting cheer can't save things. Just... to hell with this movie!
Also, what the hell is a hickory honey ham and why would anyone want a canned ham at Christmas?
Notable Commercials:There's a Volkswagen commercial where a family has kidnapped the car dealer and technically stolen a car since they're still on the test drive. Non-Viewing Thoughts: My life for a decent Brick Joke.
LateChristmas Ideas: A better appreciation for wine. I've just never been able to enjoy the taste and I don't much care to drink it when it's offered.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 12
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie (It's in the oven) Sanity Rating: (1 being never seeing this movie ever again, 10 being watching this non-stop for 24 hours): 4
Because I need to watch some stuff that I am in no way, shape, or form the target demographic for.
My Little Pony: A Very Minty Christmas: For the record, I am a fan of My Little Pony: friendship is Magic. It's not perfect but it's cute and fun. A Very Minty Christmas came from a period between the current MLP and the classic. It's not very good.
One of the things about the new MLP is that each pony has their own distinct personality. No danger here. Everyone is pretty much the same. It's also so very saccharine. I feel like I might like it if I was a young girl/boy but this just doesn't work. The only pony with any personality is the OCD one who almost ruins Christmas. She's also obsessed with socks because... sure?
Long story short: OCD Pony breaks a candy cane that's going to lead Santa to Ponyville. She goes to the North Pole to lead Santa to Ponyville. The other ponies go to save their friend. Blah blah blah friendship-cakes. Also, hugging your friends makes your socks glow. There, I just saved you all a rather boring hour.
Wild Kratts: A Creature Christmas: I've never seen this show. It's on PBS and is intended to teach kids about Wild Animals. It starts with a couple of middle aged, live-action brothers teaching us about reindeers... until they change into super-powered animated teenage brothers with the same voices.
From there, it gets weird. It could have just been a Christmas Special about the Kratts and their friends getting ready for Christmas. Instead, super-villains and not just super-villains but super-villains with one of the strangest and most awesome plans ever! They're kidnapping baby animals, putting them in Christmas Ornaments, putting them on a giant metal Christmas Tree where people will be astounded and then be astounded to buy cookies, toys, and clothes. It's complicated, insane, and I kind of love it.
I give this thing major credit. It makes it seem like it's going to be your standard, "Their hearts grew three sizes that day" resolution but turns out the villains are genre savvy and imprison the heroes on a deserted island. That's... actually kind of smart! But they're not smart enough to just break the heroes fancy tech so it gets recovered and they save the baby animals so... good for them?
After that, we're back to live-action stuff with middle-aged men. The Musk Ox is kinda awesome.
It's technically educational though I'm not 100% sure it's the most educational thing I've seen on PBS kids but it's still better than anything with Elmo. To hell with Elmo. Grover 4 Life! Back on subject, it's still not bad. Not meant for me but when I was a kid, I might have enjoyed it.
Notable Commercials: I am starting to feel like Disney Infinity has gone too far.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I am always so grateful that pizza places are open on Christmas Day. I was going to do frozen pizza but laziness tends to win out in these situations.
LateChristmas Ideas: I wouldn't mind vests that allow me to transform at a moments notice.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 12
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie (Not Even Baked Yet) Sanity Rating: (1 being A happy Rabbit, 10 being A Platypus on a bad day): 2
I had briefly explored covering this one last year. I thought, found it, what the hell!
Viewing Thoughts: This one begins after the curse in the original is broken. One... very odd thing about this one. So, people are coming to the castle to celebrate Christmas. I would assume they were from a local village only the only local village is the one that tried to kill everyone there a few months prior. Seems like an odd group to invite for Christmas Carols and Christmas Pudding. Also, they're French but singing songs of English Origin. Whatever.
So, Mrs. Potts starts telling Chip the story of the previous year's Christmas. I might remind you that he was there for that. He should know. I think Chip needed to get polished a bit because he's a bit dull.
Turns out, a year ago, Christmas was banned and Tim Curry was a bad CGI pipe organ named Forte who was never mentioned before. He also hates the idea of becoming human again so he sends his fife minion to stop The Beast from falling in love or something. He comes from the Jar Jar Binks school of sidekickery ie being annoying and falling into stuff for humor.
So, turns out The Beast hates Christmas. Chip doesn't know what Christmas is. This... raises a question. Mrs. Potts is Chip's mother. He has to have been born before the Curse. So, then how could he have forgotten about Christmas considering the original movie establishes like 21 years between the curse and here? He should have been alive unless... can teapots give birth? Then wouldn't he have stayed a teacup since that was his original state.
Anyway, Belle sings a song about giving The Beast a book for Christmas. At one point she sings about heroes overcoming all danger. It shows an image of Icarus who crashed and burned when he didn't follow his father's directions. So, yeah, definitely all about overcoming all danger... by burning to death and plummeting to the Earth below.
Anyway, Christmas is forbidden in The Castle but everyone conspires to have Christmas. Cogsworth the Clock is enticed with food. Umm, how is he going to digest it? He's a freaking clock! Lumierre leads Belle to the attic where we get introduced to Angelique, voiced by Bernedette Peters, who got turned into a Christmas Angel. I would hate to be Hortense, the Castle Stablemaid who got turned into a feedbag. Belle sings a song to convince her to believe in Christmas. It's one of the highlights of this movie.
Naturally, Fife hears and tells Forte who tells The Beast. The Beast grumbles. Forte is that horrible friend who is only happy when he's being horrible and everyone is miserable. Anyway, we get a flashback to a young Prince before he became The Beast and turns out the Curse was enacted on Christmas and HOLY CRAP!!! The Enchantress? One of the Weird Sisters from Gargoyles! How did I never notice that? Okay, Beauty and the Beast is in continuity with Gargoyles!!!
So, Belle goes to the Boiler Room for a Yule Log. The Beast hates Christmas. Belle doesn't care and decides to have Christmas anyway and goes to find a Christmas Tree. Tim Curry decides he needs to kill Belle. Belle finds a tree and goes to chop it down until she realizes that her axe is talking and apparently Jewish. Seriously, I'm not quite sure what is up with the Jewish Axe character. I mean, I know everything is the castle is enchanted... oh crap. What about the chamberpots?!?
Forte summons Belle and Chip who baits them to go to The Black Forest for a tree. Okay. 1) They're not in Germany. 2) Belle is an idiot. Belle goes into The Black Forest. The Beast summons Belle for a song that he commissioned Forte to do. Naturally, The Beast gets pretty mad and Forte starts a song. I like a good villain song. This is not a good villain song. It's pretty much "Love is bad because I said so."
Somehow, this is convincing and The Beast trashes the place. In the Black Forest, the Jewish Axe wishes a happy Hanukkah and they load up the tree. Faster than you can say "Death Trap" everyone ends up on a frozen lake. Belle, despite wearing a dress and furs, can swim rather effectively. She saves everyone save herself who the Beast fishes out. He then proceeds to throw the woman suffering from severe hypothermia is a drafty tower.
So, everyone goes to wish the obviously dying woman a Merry Christmas. And then Bernedette Peters finally gets a freaking song. An hour into the movie. And it's a reprise of "As Long As There's Christmas" that turns into a duet with Paige O'Hara's Belle. Really. It took that long. For a duet of a reprise. Sure. Whatever.
So, The Beast opens his present, reads the book, and then realizes he was being crap. Meanwhile, Cogsworth and Lumiere have a terrible buddy song that feels beyond out of place. The Beast reunites with Belle, Forte starts playing a song to destroy the Castle because sure, why not? He plans to kill them all not quite realizing he's probably going to irreparably damage himself in the process. The Beast solves everything by removing the Keyboard from the pipes. Forte collapses and, presumably in around three months, turns back into a twisted corpse torn to pieces.
So, everything ends happily and life continues. Until that pesky French Revolution stars and Belle and The Beast get executed along with all of their servants who don't turn on them but bah, we have a happy ending for right now.
Some final thoughts: This was the first of Disney's direct to video sequels and, sadly, it's one of the better ones. The animation is a marked step down but they were able to get the entire original cast back. Sadly, this wouldn't be the only time that Beauty and the Beast would get pulled through the dirt of that filth but that one isn't Christmas related so not touching it.
The main problem is that it's not even a sequel. It's a midquel meaning it takes place during the original movie. There can be no real stakes or character growth because everything is happening in a small window of time and we know that Belle doesn't develop richer feelings for the Beast out of nowhere. It's full of problems.
Notable Commercials: I ended up dialing up a bunch of random Christmas commercials. Ronald McDonald put in some really creepy appearances back in the day. Like really creepy!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why is taking a hot shower so comforting? Is it some kind of memory of the womb? Who know?
LateChristmas Ideas: Clear Weather on Saturday but, with the freakish weather we've been having, not likely.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 12
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie (Not Even Baked Yet) Sanity Rating: (1 being The Empire Strikes Back, 10 being Bambi 2: The Revenge): 3
I normally start with a movie but starting with idiots talking because I hate myself.
The Today Show: We're starting by going where hope goes to die. Where is that? The 4th Hour of the Today Show. Crap!
This has become a tradition, I recorded it just to watch it and you will all be happy to know that Kathie Lee and Hoda are starting out the day how they always do: with booze! Today, they each have a glass of wine and some Christmas cocktail. They're also starting with clips from Kathie Lee's workout video from the 90s. This includes a clip of Kathie Lee talking about squeezing her butt while wearing a negligee. Well, if I wasn't gay already...
Hoda brings some little girl to sing for them. The little girl wants some of Hoda's cocktail. I privately pray for them to get the kid drunk and then they get booted off television. Sadly, common sense reigns and she sings "Silent Night." The little girl ain't bad at all.
Next up is a makeover segment. Meh. Nothing to snark over.
I start making lunch and miss a segment with Hoda holding a baby. It starts crying. I think it smelled the alcohol on her breath.
After a brief news break, we come back for more of the singing girl. I don't know what to think. It's a lot of belting. Like just BELTING! She's good but the song is pretty repetitive and it was written by her dad who's her producer. We know who's the talented one here and she's holding a microphone. I think we need laws about child performers not having parents involved in any managerial role in their child's career.
Onto the cooking segment. First off: Mimosas! Kathy Lee and Hoda will drink to that. The chef is trying to demonstrate stuff. Kathy Lee and Hoda keep trying to hurry him. I'd scream at them myself. It's seafood which I never really considered making at Christmas. Then again, I've spent years with Ham or Turkey being the only appropriate Christmas Dinner. I might have to consider something more offbeat for dinner next year.
So, how do we follow this up? With diets! Yeah! Who doesn't love that? I don't. For the record, Hot Buttered Rum is lower in fat than Egg Nog, Meatballs are lower than pigs in a blanket, ham than steak, candy canes than peppermint bark, Panettone than plum pudding, and butter cookies than cannoli. There, I just saved five minutes of your life!
And that's it. Meh.
The Chew: Okay, I like The Chew. It's a daytime cooking/talk show. It helps that of the five hosts, three are pretty great. Carla Hall is my hero and I've loved her since Top Chef. Mario Batali is just fun. I've made no secret of being in love with Michael Simon. The other two (Clinton Kelly, Dr. Oz's Daughter) I can give or take. However, Dr. Oz's daughter isn't there so good for us.
The theme for the day is Ugly Sweater Party. Michael is wearing a Christmas Suit and he wins. Carla looks sassy and also wins. The other two are very meh. I've personally never gotten the Ugly Sweater thing but that's just me. We sell a ton of them at work every year so hey, money counts for something.
This just seems like it would be a fun show to be in the audience of. I mean, outside of the hosts having definite chemistry with each other, they give stuff to the audience and it's about food. How could you not love it? Not only that but they bring so much energy to what they do. At one point, Carla and Clinton go into a random dance number.
Then they get a challenge kind of like Chopped where Michael Simon picks a box and the one he takes, he has to make it's contents into a meal. That said, he gets some softball. Chorizo, Cheese, Crepe Batter, and Corn Chips. He makes some kind of burrito thing that looks delicious as hell.
Carla then shows off a roasted mushroom lasagna that I am slightly considering making sometime. Lasagna is one of the things that I love to make and I can make well but I'm always wanting to try new things. It's a lot more work than I do with most of my cooking but ehh, always worth trying something new I guess.
The rest of the program is looking at ugly sweaters. Good for them.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why is Chicken Parm so awesome?
LateChristmas Ideas: A nice punch set would rock. Then again, I have no clue where I would put it or where I would put it.
Notable Commercials: There's a Fruit of the Loom commercial where they're talking about who you should or shouldn't give underwear to for Christmas. I would think that would be everyone but I guess I'm wrong. Personally, I'd rather not get underwear for Christmas but that's just me.
The Hershey Kisses ringing bell commercial might be one of the only classic commercials still running today. More a casual observation than anything else.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 12
Amps left: 2
Coffee Left: 2 Bottles
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie (Not Even Baked Yet) Sanity Rating: (1 being 36 hours of soothing noise, 10 being 36 Hours of Kathie Lee's Christmas CD): 1
My name is Jack Bauer and this is the longest day of my life.
Okay, just joking there. Not going to be running around fighting terroists but I am reviving my yearly tradition: The Christmas Experiment and I'm actually doing it on Christmas Day this year! Crazy, right? But, I'm also doing it on Christmas Eve this year by starting at Noon today. What? Yeah, I just figured it would be more fun this way. Or insane. Whichever.
The rules are simple:
I'm watching 36 hours of Christmas television programming.
I'm allowing myself 6 hours of prerecorded videos, stuff that I've saved on the DVR this past month.
I also allow two cheats, a couple of movies on DVD or Digital On Demand.
Every two hours or so, I'm going to post a new blog. I'm going to try editing it as I go but some spelling errors will happen.
So, every year, I chart certain things: Non-Viewing Thoughts: Just the random stuff that pops into a sleep-deprived mind. Late Christmas Ideas: In case you're thinking of buying me something but were lazy about it, you jerk. Notable Commercials: Commentary on some of the commercials that have popped up.
I also chart my consumables and current sanity level. So, join me back here at 2 PM ET when the first post goes up. Good times. Tally Mountain Dews Left: 12 Cans Amps Left: 2 Cans Coffee Left: 2 Bottles Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
