Viewing Thoughts: So, we're watching The Crow 4: Wicked Prayers on Sci-Fi. Oh yeah, here comes the self abuse. Edward Furlong, Tara Reid, David Boreaniz, and Dennis Hopper are in the movie. We open with some reservation. Indians are shut out of something but white guys. The norm.. Anyway, guy with a truck and a jug of Toxic Waste pops up and he beats people up and He's one of the 4 Horsemen or something... Yeah, so far no sense to this movie and I'm assuming that will be continueing. Turns out it's just a plot to free Angel from prision. He's obviously evil because he gives people evil looks and looks meanly at a church. In some heavy handed film making, we here some preacher on the radio and are then introduced to the hero, who will obviously die soon so he can start inpersonating a member of Kiss. Some chick then goes and reiterates the thing that anyone who has seen the first 3 movies knows about The Crow and she makes out with the soon to be deceased. Since originality means nothing to the film makers, I bet she's dead soon also. Anyway, people don't approve because Edward Furlong, the soon to be really dead but resurected, likes the soon to be dead but not resurrected, who is Indian. Geez, I wonder how much longer until this becomes a very special story about tolernece.
So, Edward is going to propose to the very soon to be deader than dead when he gets harrased by a cop. He goes to her place and ther's Tara Reid and the gay Horsemen of the Apocalypse. How do you know they're gay? Mardi Gras Masks. If you thought they were supposed to be threatening, then they did kind of a bad job. Anyway, the chick gets killed by Tara Reid, who steals an eye and I guess is sacraficing them to Satan. Anyway, Tara Reid says some bad poetry and now Angel has a happy 666 tattooed on him. You know, you don;'t need to sacrafice someone to Baal everytime you want some Ink. A needle will suffice.
Anyway, The Four Horsemen of Fabouslousness and Tara Reid all sit around. To show they're evil, they eat Devil's Food Cake and Deviled Eggs. Yeah, you know, this is ineffective evil. They decide to do drugs instead of doing real evil. The Finally Dead and Edward Furlong are having a dream when Eddy comes back to life with Susie the Crow in the most melodramatic fashion he can. He cries like a whiny bitch and holds a toaster like it's a baby. Maybe ineffective evil stands a chance. He goes back to the scene of the murder and cries a lot, tries to shoot himself and then doesn't die. Damn. Susie says fuck this all and flies off. Eddy the Whiny then douses his place in gasoline and sets it on fire while getting ready for The Kiss Costume Party. Susie has nothing better to do so she comes with. Stupid Cop finds the body. Geez, I didn't see that coming.
The cororner is eating a sandwich and taking the body away. Meanwhile, The Faboulous Horsemen and Tara Reid go to a wedding looking for a virgin to sacrafice and instead terrorize a wedding and a priest who apparently used to be a murderer or something. I dunno, it's kind of unclear. Regardless, he's dead and the wedding goes all levels of murder.
Susie is outside a bar. One of the Faboulous Horsemen, Pestilence, is inside, getting some drugs. Whiny McKiss shows up also to beat him up. We get a badly choreograpped fight that results in one less horseman. It's all rather dumb to tell you the truth.
With one down, Kissy McPissy and Susie grab a hearse with the body and the dead chick. Meanwhile, the tribal council cries about dead chick. They decide to try to take out the last place Kiss Look-A-Like themslevves.
The Now Three Horsemen and Tara Reid go to a dance and decide to kill some more people. Kissy McDumbington finds the dead wedding with one living inhabitant. He consoles her and it's all very touching in a very stupid way. They priest is still alive also, proving ineffective evil is just that. Stupid. Oh, and Kissy killed the priest and wife's son. I guess it makes him dark and mysterious. No. Not really.
Meanwhile, back at the dance, the Faboulous Horsemen start killing people while Kissy McDumbass shows up to beat them up. Apparently something to do with a dance. It's still pretty dumb. Angel wonders if he killed him. Tara Reid apparently saw the last couple of movies and knows he's the Crow. Good for her. TiVO does wonders when you're an evil villain. They all sit down and have a nice little talk. People shoot at Kissalina and Susie gets killed. Really? You know, Susie really didn't deserve that. Susie had the right idea to leave earlier but nope, Tara Reid starts getting all sad while people get murdered. I wonder if she thought she was going to be signing up with the kind of Satanist who just know on your door and leave poop?
Turns out the dumb cop is the brother of the dead chick. Kissy Mc StupidPants touches Dumb Cop and somehow psychicly tells him who killed Dead Chick. Makes even less sense. than anything else so far.
So, The Three Gay Amigos and Tara Reid go to a Satanic Church with a virgin so Angel and Tara Reid can get married. Oh, and I guess the Satanic Church is a brothel also with Dennis Hopper as the Pimp El Nino. I can not make this up. Oh, guess Angel is going to become Satan. Here I just thought everyone was being stupid as all hell for ne reason. Meanwhile, the cops are all getting ready to assault Out Unholy Mother of Hookers and Tara Reid. I wish I could paraphrase the wedding scene. It's like a Vegas wedding only with a Satanic Elvis doing it. This movie really can't get worse if it tries.
So, the cops are outside and one of the Dumbass Horsemen are outside in red pajamas and dynamite. They start shooting each other while the worse theme wedding ever goes on inside. Hookers get shot up. El Nino uses the words Badassnitude. I wish I could make this up. Instead, cops just shoot at the guy wearing dynamite pajamas. People get sacraficed, , wedding goes on, Angel and Tara Reid are declared "Satan and Shorty"and Tara Reid stabs Angel.. Someone blows up and Angel comes back to life as Satan I guess. The problem is that he's still ineffective evil, no matter what way you slice it. How do we know this? He doesn'tkill Kissy mcNeverDie. He just ties him up. El Nino is still doing his faux gangster thing and Satan and Tara Reid run off to have sex or something while the Indian Tribe just kind of stands there watching. Yeah, they're effective. Still not clear on anything going on here. Did one of the Faboulous Horsemen die when I wasn't caring?
The Leasst Effective Mob ever goes into Out Unholy Mother of Skanitude to rescue Sissy Kissy. He seems to be alright and heads off to fight the Devil and Mrs. Reid. Oh, and the priest in the mob has magic healing powers that are activated through shirtless dancing. Yeah, this seriously can't get worse. Anyway, The Single Fabouslous Horseman and Tara Reid start having sex in the graveyard when Not-Jean Simmons shows up. Satangel gets magic speed powers while Tara Reid looks for a spell of happy fun. The Mob Preist heals the dead crow with his man boob dance and now almost Peter Criss is all better. The Sun Rises and the magic Satan Powers go away. The Single Gay Horseman dies while monologueing, Tara Reid goes for one of those last second mercy begs, and everyone's happy. Well, except Dead Chick. She's still dead.
Noted Commercials: They've had the same commercial for Male Enlargement like 5 times. In all of them, old guy talks about having sex with his shriveled wife who then goes into how she didn't know much bigger was better. I seriously cannot make this shit up. I kind of just threw up a little.
Early Christmas Ideas: A promise from everyone on Earth that there will never be another sequel to The Crow. Is that too much to ask? Probably
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do people watch the movies on the SciFi channel? They have about the same production values as something Direct to Video but at least the DTV movies aren't aspiring for something more. I'm just waiting for Pirate Cowboy Mummies. Then I know they aren't even tring to make good movies. They will just be making stuff people will watch because it's so bad.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 11
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee Drank:0
Pie Consumed: 1 Slice
Sanity Rating( 1 being sane, 10 being someone who enjoys a movie on the SCIFi Channel): 6
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