Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas Experiment Hours 11+12

Viewing Thoughts: Time to break out some Christmas specials.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: I used to love the Christmas specials where they tried to give a story to a simple Christmas song. The special never resembled the song. Grandma owns a store and generic grandkid is the main character. Let's call him Billy. Anyway, we get introduced to Cousin Mel who represents the forces of capitalism. Grandma is the forces of tradition. So, what we got here is a story about tradition vs. Progress. Some guy wants to buy the store. Geez, I wonder what's going to happen when the song happens? Aunt Mel says that she loves a man who wears tights, showing Aunt Mel has no judgment in men and that she is also generic evil. We get treated to a song about Fruitcake and dear god, this is going to be the most painful hour today! At least Little House was trying to be funny! Finally, the title song plays and we know we're getting near the only reason we're watching this wreck: Seeing some old biddy get killed by Santa and... it happens off screen. What the hell? What was the point? And there's 50 minutes left? What the hell? No one believes that Grandma got hit. Grandpa sees the hit also but seriously, Grandma gone. Santa covers his tracks. He isn't getting implicated in any homicide. Anyway, we get police making jokes about a dead woman and then we get Grandpa singing for no good reason. He sings about Elvis and Grandma. Yeah, I think I need to do some crack so this makes sense. Anyway, the forces of capitalism end up making a dirty joke because Cousin Mel wants to have sex with the rich guy. 40 more minutes...

So, generic Grandkid has a week to save Grandma. We get to see the Grandma murderer aka Santa. We then find out Grandma has been living in the North Pole with amnesia. So, Santa is just guilty of kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment. Anyway, Generic Grandkid goes to the North Pole after some crappy song. He finds Grandma and the forces of progress try to kidnap Grandma also. Despite a second showing of the attempted murder, we still don't get to see it and Santa gets arrested. Here's hoping for some justice. We get the forces of Progress dressing up like Carmen Mirannda singing about suing Santa. WTF? I don't remember taking any crack today... Anyway, Cousin Mel goes to where she has Grandma locked up and it's all incredibly stupid villain. She's already committing fraud. Might as well go for murder also. Anyway, the most hopeful kid ever convinces Grandma to eat some fruit cake and she gets her memory back. Case solved and Christmas is saved because apparently it can't happen without Santa. In the end, tradition and progress join together when Grandma franchises her store and we finally get to see Grandma get hit by the reindeer and it only took a freaking hour!!!

A Charlie Brown Christmas: It's the best Christmas special of all time! Who wouldn't love it? So, Ice Skating. Not much to really say. I'm reserving my really snarky comments for any of the other, sub-par Christmas specials. Seriously though, I've always wondered why everyone just hates Charlie Brown. I mean, he does mess up but he;s not the least likable Peanuts characters. You'd think everyone would hate Lucy who has few redeeming features. Hell, Peppermint Patty is more obnoxious. Maybe the Peanuts are just all self-absorbed and they hate the idea of there being a real voice of reason. Linus being a symbol of hope has to shame them into treating Charlie Brown like a real human being. Who knows? All I know is that I want to dance repetitively. So many of these characters just never appear again in here as well. Those dancing twins for example. But yeah, the scene with Linus explaining Christmas always warms my hear so it's all kind of worth it. Wish I could say more but there isn't really much more to say. This is just perfection Can't make fun of perfection.

Noted Commercials: Actually, I'm kind of sad. I don't think they run the Christmas Fruity Pebbles commercial anymore. It is incredibly sad for me because I wanted to see it this morning while I was eating my Fruity Pebbles. I remember when they had these awesome Christmas art on Cereal Boxes this time of the year. That always rocked. I would have eaten plain Bran Franks if it had a cartoon Santa on the front of it.

Late Christmas Ideas: A Cd to dance repetitively to would kind of rock. Just make sure it's not too gay. Maybe just some Jazz.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Dear god people in the sixties had no judgment? Fake trees? Maybe I just like the idea of sweeping up pine needles but silver Christmas trees just don't cut it for me. What's the spirit in it? Would you buy an Art Deco nativity scene? Dear god, do they make those? I didn't find one when I was googling so good. I do have some hope that Christmas is worth it. w00t for having some Holiday spirit!

The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 8
Energy Drinks Left:4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Santiy Rating (1 being most sane, 10 being being out at 5 on Black Friday):3

No comments: