Viewing Thoughts: The Mst3k episode featuring Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Yeah, thus I am going to try to laugh and focus more on the movie. So, this movie doesn't have a costume designer, it has a custume designer. I love the Christmas specials where everyone knows for a fact that Santa Claus actually exists. Apparently Santa is a drunk and can't remember his reindeer's names. Anyway,.the Martians all have tv antennas on their heads and sleep in personal pyramids. All of the Mars kids are apparently kind of turned into adults early and don't get to have fun or something stupid like that. So, evil plan to kidnap Santa Klaus. Me, I got a better idea. Get a Wal-Mart. Buy some crap and toys. So, first major problem with this movie: if the Martians have a space ship, why do they need to kidnap Santa Claus? Wouldn't it be easier to dress someone else like Santa? Anyway, Aliens are idiots and get detected. Kids don't believe in Martians and the Martians show up right there and then.Then the kids basically give up Santa. Yeah, let' get to Santa killing some Martians. About here, they kind of give up on the movie since we got some stock footage of jet planes refueling. Dear god, Little House keeps on looking like something I'd rather watch.
So, Santa is going to get kidnapped and stupid kids get chased by a guy in a bear costume. It doesn't even look like they were trying. Then the kids get attacked by a robot. Dear god, wasn't Santa supposed to be in this thing? Instead, we get Martians arguing about war and robots and annoying kids not getting split in two. But hey, at least we get Santa and the elves vs. The Robot. It lasts ten seconds. The robot stops and the Martians use their hair dryers to stop the elves and Mrs. Claus. On the bright side for the Martians, The UN is working on saving Santa along with the nazis or something. I really think this is is just getting worse...
So, an evil Martian tries to kill Santa and the kids by putting them out the airlock. The air lock isn't that well sealed and apparently get killed leading the Marian fighting except Santa survived. Apparently they escaped out the air duct in the air lock. Yeah, it's a wonder the Martians didn't all die horribly years ago. Evil Martians escapes after being imprisoned for ten seconds. So Santa meet the Martian children and they start laughing. I think Santa must have dusted his costume with crack. The kids love Santa so much that they become his slaves in his toy factory. Apparently the Martians eat all their food in pill form so one of the Martians decides to OD on Food pills to be like Santa.
Evil Martians kidnap Santa Martian. They leave Santa Martian with the device keeping him imprisoned. Santa Martian gets out. Yeah, evil Martians are defeated by toys and bubbles while Santa goes insane. It turns into an avant-garde film out of nowhere and Santa wins. This is seriously turning trippy. So, I'm just giving up on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Thank gd it's over. The end lesson is that Mars's society will soon collapse when they become consumed with the effort to buy stuff. So, Santa didn't do much conquering. I wanted Santa to be sitting on a throne of bloody Martian corpses. Such blatant false advertising.
By the way, this just makes watching this entire episode of MST3K worth watching:
Late Christmas Ideas: I would love a Mr. Mashed Potato Head or the ability to decide who live or dies. Umm, ignore that last one.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: So, I got an evil plan for a movie. It'll be called, Santa vs The Zombies. Santa fights zombies. But the zombie aren't alone. They're lead by the evil Cyborg Santa and his Ho Ho Hoes! Plus, we get some relevant social commentary because the zombie represent the consumer mentality vs Santa's keep it simple philosophy!
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 8
Energy Drinks Left:3
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Santiy Rating (1 being most sane, 10 being someone who likes Pauly Shore movies):5
No comments:
Post a Comment