Time for the same Wrapper as every year.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Honestly, I have said so much about this movie in the past few years that I think I have officially run out things to say. Mind you, I know half the time with this one, I mainly just talk about how pathetic my life is, Christmas being magical, etc. I will admit, this year has been interesting. I had to plan out the schedule. The meant planning out the crap I was putting myself through as opposed to the spontaneity of ending up watching something about insects with a direct line to God. I meant putting myself through that... thing.
I do this every year because this is my way of experiencing Christmas. One of the side-effects of just going home for Thanksgiving is that that has become my big holiday. Christmas would just be a day with an extended holiday if not for doing the Marathon. I feel bad for doing it today instead of tomorrow like usual but I want to try something new. Having Christmas traditions is great but you got to learn to improvise, occasionally take life by the horns, kidnap your boss. I think we've all been in Clark's shoes where you're depending on something the rug gets pulled out from underneath you. The point is, things work out, you just got to remind yourself about that.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Umm, how much of the viewing thoughts were on topic?
Late
Christmas Ideas: C'mon people, I just want a freaking moose glass set. Is that really asking too much?
Final Tally:
Mountain Dews consumed: 2
Amps consumed:3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being Christmas with the Bradys, 10 being Christmas with the Mansons): 4
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Christmas Experiment 2012 Hours 21 & 22
Let's just get this over with.
The Star Wars Christmas Special: Yes, I'm watching this. It's showing solidarity with Mike and Dan over on Earth-2.net who I may have caused to review this steaming pile also. So, here I am doing to also since I honestly do feel bad. Let's... let's just start this.
Some one made a custom crawl for this thing. It's pretty awesome. That's beside the point. We start with Han Solo speeding through space, running from an Imperial Blockade. Han Solo is trying to get Chewie to his home planet to celebrate Life Day. Don't ask what Life Day is. They were smart enough to keep the birth of Christ out of a universe with the force. Imagine that mess.
Chewbacca's father is named Itchy. That's not important. It's more messed up than anything else. It's also worth noticing that GM sponsored this thing. Yeah. Anyway, what follows is the stupidest idea in cinema history. eight minutes of just wookie growling. I am not making this crap up. Chewie;s Wife wants her son to take out the trash I believe. Chewie's dad is making a X-Wing. Son wanted a cookie but has to take the trash out first. Its amazing that I know whats going on here. Also, apparently Wookie's live in treehouses. Son is tempting fate by walking on the railing but he doesn't die unluckily.
Wife misses her husband or is secretly carrying on an affair with Itchy. Not sure which. Okay, some indecipherable Wookie arguing happens. Son is shown some cracked out things on the holoboard. I think it's some kinda bug circus or something. That's the only explanation I can grasp. The son appears to be very excited by the disgusting TV show I believe, not sure. The crap is over. Thank God.
Son has to do more chores and continues yelling about it. Ma Wookie is playing with the computer, I think trying to tell if Chewie and Han are coming or not. Guess not. So they call Luke Skywalker instead and GAH! What happened to Mark Hamil's head? Did he end up getting cast in The Polar Express? Itchy screams at the stupid kid also for some reason. Luke cheers them up as R2 tries to murder Luke from the looks of it. That's the only explanation that I got at least.
So, Ma Wookie hacks into a security camera with Art Carney and an Imperial Officer. I think Art Carney is trying to sell stuff but is also smuggling Han and Chewie in. It also means a fair amount of dumb jokes. They are not even remotely important to the plot so to heck with that.
So, more Wookie Housecleaning. Ma Wookie doesn't understand kids so she watches TV. People watch a lot of TV. In this case, it's Harvey Korman in drag doing a slapstick routine. One note about this sequence is that it's not even remotely stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. OH GOD!!!! It;s burnt into my mind, make it stop!!!! WHO WROTE THIS!?!?!
Okay, Ma Wookie stops that pointless scene as we cut to a thrilling space battle. Oh wait, no, it's showing enemy ships firing and then Han and Chewie's reactions. Anyway, a further blockade is set up and Art Carney shows up with Lifeday Presents. Ma Wookie kisses Art Carney so everyone's happy. Itchy got what looks like an expensive hairdryer. Actually, it's a disco star's floating head singing. Oh god, it's Cybersex. We're watching Wookie Cybersex. Why are they showing us Wookie Cybersex!?!?!?! Who builds these things? Why would you build these things? GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Oh, and now shes singing. Sure, why not. At least it's not implied Wookie Cybersex, its just the worst song I have heard in recent memory! That's a fair tradeoff.
Meanwhile, Leia and C-3PO appear to be doing accounting when Ma Wookie calls. Art Carney goes to have some cookies with her. Han and Chewie get through the blockade and head to the planet as Stormtroopers show up. Hopefully everyone dies.
Oh no, they live. The imperials are just searching their house. Hopefully Itchy's porn is enough of a cause to kill them all. C'mon! The imperials harass everyone in the Bacca household. Art Carney brings out... something. Not sure what. Oh, it's a TV. Another TV. This is the fourth TV like thing this house has and all of them seem to require dropping acid. Also, in this case, Jefferson Starship. THIS IS POINTLESS! If they cut out anything pointless in this dreck, it would be about ten minutes long. No, it would be less than ten minutes long. It would consist and Han Solo and Wookie flying, landing, and saying Happy Life Day. That's it. Instead, now we have Art Carney dancing to Starship. Not even one of their good songs, we're talking the crap they usually put out. The Imperials continue searching as they chase Art Carney out. The Imperial Officer looks like he;s going to get Ma Wookie to offer favors for her safety.
Stupid son watches some ugly animation of the cast of the movie. It's almost on the level of the CD-I Zelda games. Almost. It is so very ugly. I mean, like levels of ugly never seen before. Luke and the droids go to rescue the Falcon off the surface of a planet. Nessie almost eats them when Boba Fett shows up and saves them. Chewie and Boba go to get some cure for sleeping sickness because why not. This animation is almost worse than the rest of the special so far. Turns out Boba is evil, Stupid Son cries out, the imperials go to inspect. C'mon, let him get shot and die.
Unluckily, he lives because he changes the channel before going back to watch the cartoon.R2 intercepts Vader and Boba's conversation somehow. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, everyone gets cured of their sleeping sickness, Boba runs, the ugly animation is over as stupid kid claps.
Meanwhile, the Imperials search Stupid Son's room. This consists of them pretty much breaking things rather than really searching it all. Stupid Son cries as Ma Wookie either feels her son's pain or just passed gas. Not sure which. The kid watches a video instruction to repair a transmitter. It's more Harvey Koreman not being funny. It also goes on for 5+ minutes as he, who is some kinda robot, keeps on breaking down. If you were doing a video to tell someone how to repair something, why would you use something defective? You don't use a defect to tell you how to fix a defect. That's just freaking common sense. The robot collapses as we got to commercial.
And the Imperials have to watch a video about the Mos Eisley Catina, now with 100% more Bea Arthur. Bea and Harvey Koreman in yet another role flirt. Well, he flirts with her. Bea could care less. She's got a bar to run. She knows what the heck she's doing and .... Harvey drinks through the top of his head. Why the hell.... but.... Oh good, it gets interrupted by the announcement that everyone has to leave. Bea is not happy and why is Greedo still there? How did he come back to life? Regardless, this... doesn't suck. Bea is kinda distraught, trying to get her people to leave, giving them one last round and telling them to leave. She sings a song that isn't too bad. She's just trying to protect her customers. She likes this job. If the special had just been Bea Arthur's Bar, I would have loved it. I would have watched it forever. Instead, we just get a mostly sincere sequence that lasts all of ten minutes which ends with Bea Arthur and Harvey hooking up. Good for them. Stupid Son sends a fake return to base command to the Imperials but is too stupid to turn off the volume on his end so one of the storm troopers goes to investigate. Looks like the kid might finally get killed. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Dang, the stormtrooper didn't shoot. Chewie and Han also show up. Finally. The kid lives unluckily. Han leaves because Harrison Ford has put himself on suicide watch and the Wookies are all left together. And now more Wookie talking sequences because they were so good before. It can all be summed up with "we're together, let's have relations later, someone's knocking at the door." Turns out it's Art Karney who then saves the Wookies who drop Acid and walk into the sun in a mass suicide. Huh.
Oh, no, they lived. Turns out they all ended up at their designated Life Day Celebration Location along with the Droids... for some reason. Then Luke, Han, and Leia show up. Carrie has just taken so many drugs. SO MANY DRUGS!!! Wait, if the three could get there so easy, why did Chewie have to struggle that much? And why is Carrie Fisher singing a song set to the Star Wars theme song about Life Day? I want some of what she's taking.
And now Chewie flashbacks to Star Wars. Christmas special, you should not remind us there are better things out there. Then again, if he had flashbacked to Manos, then it still would have reminded us of something better. So, is it over?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not over yet! KJFJAO[GJOE[GJO[AEHG O[RHG[OH 0RCFKHV CFH L;GH OHG;HCHH;;;;;;;;CFSKLAGK;L H;LAHG;HR G garg!!!!! Okay, back in control. The Wookie's eat Life Day Dinner and we get the credits. Remember kids, read those credits carefully, make sure that each person involved in this project is systematically deprived of their ability to ever feel joy again. They deserve it. They must suffer to their last breath. They cannot be allowed to EVER do anything like this again!!!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Do they still make Anacin?
Late Christmas Ideas: The Head of George Lucas on a silver plate. Barring that, the assurance that Disney is never going to let something like.... this... crap happen again!
Notable Commercials: A bald man tells us that we should support American Made Lady's Undergarments. Then a bunch of women sing why we should also. I'll note that if I ever decide I need to buy women's undergarments.
It's good to know that TV has not gotten stupider. Nothing demonstrates that like seeing ads for Roller Variety shows.
Apparently Whirlpool wants you to take pride in the eagles it builds. That's the only explanation I can take from this commercial where they talk about making quality products but they just show an eagle flying around.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 1
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being deleting this file from my computer, 10 being considering the very idea of watching it again): 10
The Star Wars Christmas Special: Yes, I'm watching this. It's showing solidarity with Mike and Dan over on Earth-2.net who I may have caused to review this steaming pile also. So, here I am doing to also since I honestly do feel bad. Let's... let's just start this.
 |
| Once Ugly... thing. |
Chewbacca's father is named Itchy. That's not important. It's more messed up than anything else. It's also worth noticing that GM sponsored this thing. Yeah. Anyway, what follows is the stupidest idea in cinema history. eight minutes of just wookie growling. I am not making this crap up. Chewie;s Wife wants her son to take out the trash I believe. Chewie's dad is making a X-Wing. Son wanted a cookie but has to take the trash out first. Its amazing that I know whats going on here. Also, apparently Wookie's live in treehouses. Son is tempting fate by walking on the railing but he doesn't die unluckily.
Wife misses her husband or is secretly carrying on an affair with Itchy. Not sure which. Okay, some indecipherable Wookie arguing happens. Son is shown some cracked out things on the holoboard. I think it's some kinda bug circus or something. That's the only explanation I can grasp. The son appears to be very excited by the disgusting TV show I believe, not sure. The crap is over. Thank God.
So, Ma Wookie hacks into a security camera with Art Carney and an Imperial Officer. I think Art Carney is trying to sell stuff but is also smuggling Han and Chewie in. It also means a fair amount of dumb jokes. They are not even remotely important to the plot so to heck with that.
So, more Wookie Housecleaning. Ma Wookie doesn't understand kids so she watches TV. People watch a lot of TV. In this case, it's Harvey Korman in drag doing a slapstick routine. One note about this sequence is that it's not even remotely stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. OH GOD!!!! It;s burnt into my mind, make it stop!!!! WHO WROTE THIS!?!?!
Okay, Ma Wookie stops that pointless scene as we cut to a thrilling space battle. Oh wait, no, it's showing enemy ships firing and then Han and Chewie's reactions. Anyway, a further blockade is set up and Art Carney shows up with Lifeday Presents. Ma Wookie kisses Art Carney so everyone's happy. Itchy got what looks like an expensive hairdryer. Actually, it's a disco star's floating head singing. Oh god, it's Cybersex. We're watching Wookie Cybersex. Why are they showing us Wookie Cybersex!?!?!?! Who builds these things? Why would you build these things? GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Oh, and now shes singing. Sure, why not. At least it's not implied Wookie Cybersex, its just the worst song I have heard in recent memory! That's a fair tradeoff.
Meanwhile, Leia and C-3PO appear to be doing accounting when Ma Wookie calls. Art Carney goes to have some cookies with her. Han and Chewie get through the blockade and head to the planet as Stormtroopers show up. Hopefully everyone dies.
Oh no, they live. The imperials are just searching their house. Hopefully Itchy's porn is enough of a cause to kill them all. C'mon! The imperials harass everyone in the Bacca household. Art Carney brings out... something. Not sure what. Oh, it's a TV. Another TV. This is the fourth TV like thing this house has and all of them seem to require dropping acid. Also, in this case, Jefferson Starship. THIS IS POINTLESS! If they cut out anything pointless in this dreck, it would be about ten minutes long. No, it would be less than ten minutes long. It would consist and Han Solo and Wookie flying, landing, and saying Happy Life Day. That's it. Instead, now we have Art Carney dancing to Starship. Not even one of their good songs, we're talking the crap they usually put out. The Imperials continue searching as they chase Art Carney out. The Imperial Officer looks like he;s going to get Ma Wookie to offer favors for her safety.
Stupid son watches some ugly animation of the cast of the movie. It's almost on the level of the CD-I Zelda games. Almost. It is so very ugly. I mean, like levels of ugly never seen before. Luke and the droids go to rescue the Falcon off the surface of a planet. Nessie almost eats them when Boba Fett shows up and saves them. Chewie and Boba go to get some cure for sleeping sickness because why not. This animation is almost worse than the rest of the special so far. Turns out Boba is evil, Stupid Son cries out, the imperials go to inspect. C'mon, let him get shot and die.
Unluckily, he lives because he changes the channel before going back to watch the cartoon.R2 intercepts Vader and Boba's conversation somehow. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, everyone gets cured of their sleeping sickness, Boba runs, the ugly animation is over as stupid kid claps.
Meanwhile, the Imperials search Stupid Son's room. This consists of them pretty much breaking things rather than really searching it all. Stupid Son cries as Ma Wookie either feels her son's pain or just passed gas. Not sure which. The kid watches a video instruction to repair a transmitter. It's more Harvey Koreman not being funny. It also goes on for 5+ minutes as he, who is some kinda robot, keeps on breaking down. If you were doing a video to tell someone how to repair something, why would you use something defective? You don't use a defect to tell you how to fix a defect. That's just freaking common sense. The robot collapses as we got to commercial.
And the Imperials have to watch a video about the Mos Eisley Catina, now with 100% more Bea Arthur. Bea and Harvey Koreman in yet another role flirt. Well, he flirts with her. Bea could care less. She's got a bar to run. She knows what the heck she's doing and .... Harvey drinks through the top of his head. Why the hell.... but.... Oh good, it gets interrupted by the announcement that everyone has to leave. Bea is not happy and why is Greedo still there? How did he come back to life? Regardless, this... doesn't suck. Bea is kinda distraught, trying to get her people to leave, giving them one last round and telling them to leave. She sings a song that isn't too bad. She's just trying to protect her customers. She likes this job. If the special had just been Bea Arthur's Bar, I would have loved it. I would have watched it forever. Instead, we just get a mostly sincere sequence that lasts all of ten minutes which ends with Bea Arthur and Harvey hooking up. Good for them. Stupid Son sends a fake return to base command to the Imperials but is too stupid to turn off the volume on his end so one of the storm troopers goes to investigate. Looks like the kid might finally get killed. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Dang, the stormtrooper didn't shoot. Chewie and Han also show up. Finally. The kid lives unluckily. Han leaves because Harrison Ford has put himself on suicide watch and the Wookies are all left together. And now more Wookie talking sequences because they were so good before. It can all be summed up with "we're together, let's have relations later, someone's knocking at the door." Turns out it's Art Karney who then saves the Wookies who drop Acid and walk into the sun in a mass suicide. Huh.
Oh, no, they lived. Turns out they all ended up at their designated Life Day Celebration Location along with the Droids... for some reason. Then Luke, Han, and Leia show up. Carrie has just taken so many drugs. SO MANY DRUGS!!! Wait, if the three could get there so easy, why did Chewie have to struggle that much? And why is Carrie Fisher singing a song set to the Star Wars theme song about Life Day? I want some of what she's taking.
And now Chewie flashbacks to Star Wars. Christmas special, you should not remind us there are better things out there. Then again, if he had flashbacked to Manos, then it still would have reminded us of something better. So, is it over?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not over yet! KJFJAO[GJOE[GJO[AEHG O[RHG[OH 0RCFKHV CFH L;GH OHG;HCHH;;;;;;;;CFSKLAGK;L H;LAHG;HR G garg!!!!! Okay, back in control. The Wookie's eat Life Day Dinner and we get the credits. Remember kids, read those credits carefully, make sure that each person involved in this project is systematically deprived of their ability to ever feel joy again. They deserve it. They must suffer to their last breath. They cannot be allowed to EVER do anything like this again!!!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Do they still make Anacin?
Late Christmas Ideas: The Head of George Lucas on a silver plate. Barring that, the assurance that Disney is never going to let something like.... this... crap happen again!
Notable Commercials: A bald man tells us that we should support American Made Lady's Undergarments. Then a bunch of women sing why we should also. I'll note that if I ever decide I need to buy women's undergarments.
It's good to know that TV has not gotten stupider. Nothing demonstrates that like seeing ads for Roller Variety shows.
Apparently Whirlpool wants you to take pride in the eagles it builds. That's the only explanation I can take from this commercial where they talk about making quality products but they just show an eagle flying around.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 1
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being deleting this file from my computer, 10 being considering the very idea of watching it again): 10
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 19-20
Let's do some more animated Christmas Specials.
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown: Maybe I should have said a good Christmas Special. A big problem with this special is that, well, big sections feel like retreads of stuff that we already saw and other sections. Other parts feature Rerun, Linus and Lucy's overly cynical little brother. Like he is Cynical to almost the nth degree. This is a problem since most of the special centers on him and his wanting a dog. They also try to make him innocent but you can't have it both ways. Either Rerun is cynical or he's filled with childlike innocence. You can't have it both ways.
Frosty the Snowman: I need to watch at least one Rankin & Bass special. While it doesn't have Claymation figures, it does work pretty well for what it is. It has all the tropes of the Rankin and Bass specials, it's just hand drawn. This does have the pitfall of two of the kids being palette-swaps of each other. Still, the Magician is all kinds of obvious evil. There's the green skin, the fact that he refers to himself as evil, and I think that's all we need to really add. I do find it interesting though that Santa implies he's still getting a present. That's one of those reason I like this special. Santa has facets of wanting to give everyone gifts.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I should try to make my own Pumpkin Pie next year. Would just involve actually using effort.
Late Christmas Ideas: Dude, I could also use some more socks and underwear. I mostly just have white socks and so should branch out.
Notable Commercials: Apparently Redi-whip has the ability to draw men to it. This may not be a good thing.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 2
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being buying a goldfish, 10 being buying Marmaduke and Garfield's demon spawn): 7
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown: Maybe I should have said a good Christmas Special. A big problem with this special is that, well, big sections feel like retreads of stuff that we already saw and other sections. Other parts feature Rerun, Linus and Lucy's overly cynical little brother. Like he is Cynical to almost the nth degree. This is a problem since most of the special centers on him and his wanting a dog. They also try to make him innocent but you can't have it both ways. Either Rerun is cynical or he's filled with childlike innocence. You can't have it both ways.
Frosty the Snowman: I need to watch at least one Rankin & Bass special. While it doesn't have Claymation figures, it does work pretty well for what it is. It has all the tropes of the Rankin and Bass specials, it's just hand drawn. This does have the pitfall of two of the kids being palette-swaps of each other. Still, the Magician is all kinds of obvious evil. There's the green skin, the fact that he refers to himself as evil, and I think that's all we need to really add. I do find it interesting though that Santa implies he's still getting a present. That's one of those reason I like this special. Santa has facets of wanting to give everyone gifts.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I should try to make my own Pumpkin Pie next year. Would just involve actually using effort.
Late Christmas Ideas: Dude, I could also use some more socks and underwear. I mostly just have white socks and so should branch out.
Notable Commercials: Apparently Redi-whip has the ability to draw men to it. This may not be a good thing.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 2
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being buying a goldfish, 10 being buying Marmaduke and Garfield's demon spawn): 7
The Christmas Experiement 2012: Hours 17&18
You know what they don't do enough of any more? Big, star-studded Christmas Specials. Let's watch a couple.
The Judy Garland Christmas Show: First off, I can't be the first person to find the irony of this being sponsored by a kind of pill. Secondly, we start with Judy singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Love it. So much. If you haven't seen it, they have it set up as if Judy is having Christmas at home. It's obviously a set but that's the charm of this classic. Judy and her kids that aren't Liza are singing at the beginning. They then relax as Liza comes home and she's confused at the cameras. I think she might legitimately be confused. It is Liza after all. However, she's soon singing with the others.
It's worth noting that Judy's son didn't get the talent. He's not bad but it's understandable that he would fade from the spotlight. We get a song with Liza and one of her boyfriends. Don't know if he was one of the gay ones but ehh, whatever. Judy sings as the kids decorate the tree. Jack Jones then enters singing "Wouldn't it Be Lovely."
Look, I'm not going synopsize the entire thing. It's worth checking out and would you believe that the other sponsor is Pall Mall cigarettes? I mean, seriously! Liza and her potentially gay beau stare at each other as he carries a pile of gifts for her as she sings. And, if that wasn't surreal enough, a group of dancing Santas rush in and, well, start dancing. I think they have given up on this being their home at the point unless this is a regular occurrence at the Garland residence. That would actually not surprise me one single bit to be perfectly honest.
Suddenly we have a bunch of carolers pop up. Mel Torme, the writer of the Christmas Song and Judy's drink has caught up with her because she stumbles on her lines, fumbles her lines, changes "reindeer" to "rainbows" but pulls herself together by the end. Judy is a freaking professional. The carolers start singing again. I always thought "Christmas Bells" was one of those Christmas songs that needed more exposure. The second half of the special really is just Judy and the Carolers singing together. Also, I just realized how obvious it is that Liza got a nose job. She also looks weird with long hair.
Eventually the Carolers all leave and Judy sings "Over the Rainbow" to her kids. It's just as beautiful as it is in The Wizard of Oz. In fact, there's this pain to it now that makes it even more beautiful than it was before. Is it a Christmas Song? No but neither is "My Favorite Things" and that gets played to death during the holiday season. It's just a beautiful special, starring a beautiful woman and her beautiful voice.
Christmas at Pee-Wee's Playhouse: Now for the opposite of a Beautiful voice. This really feels more like a parody of Holiday Specials. Paul Reuben plays Pee-Wee Herman as per usual, just as much of a spoiled kid as ever. What is really creepy is Miss Yvonne wears mistletoe on her hair because she wants to kiss everyone in the playhouse and, in face, make out with hundreds of people. This includes the talking floor. And Chair. And easel. And fish. You know, it's one thing to be the most beautiful woman in puppet land but it's another thing to do... that. Magic Johnson shows up. Umm, Miss Yvonne, it's alright to kiss him. Just... be careful about other things.
There's a running joke of people giving Pee-Wee fruitcake. Grace Jones shows up in a box. She's dressed just as bizarre as in The Living Daylights and she sings The Little Drummer Boy kinda like a lounge singer. I think we have a new candidate for Christmas Special that requires a liberal amount of drug use to make sense of.
Frankie and Annette pop up at this point to make Christmas Cards. Pee-Wee then forces them to work as sweat shop workers. But more bizare, Cher shows up to find out the secret word. Turns out it's year. . It's worth pointing out that she would have Oscar the next year (SCREAM) and be far beyond this. This is soon followed by k.d. Lang. She has hair and isn't tearing up pictures of the pope so it works out pretty well in all honesty.
Of the celebrities that show up, most are of the kind that just show up to say Merry Christmas. One of the exceptions is Dinah Short who shows up to sing The 12 Days of Christmas. She kinda gets left to do that in the background while Charro pops up to sing while Pee-Wee tries to whack a pinata. We also get our customary Haunakah message. This includes it getting called out and PeeWee getting a dreidel. It also turns out that the claymation dinosaurs in the walls are Jewish also. Who knew?
By the end of the special, the Fruitcake running gag cummulates in a new wing of the Playhouse being built of just Fruitcake. Pee-Wee gives up his presents for all the other children of the world, and he goes with Santa to deliver the presents. Christmas everyone!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: The only really sucky about this time of year is that it get dark way too early.
Late Christmas Ideas: You know, with all this talk of new bedding, I could use with a new comforter also. Yeah.
Notable Commercials: During Judy Garland, there's a commercial for Cold Medicine featuring stop motion version of the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion. I'll admit, its rather cool.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 2
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being a quiet night at home, 10 being Santa's randomly breaking in just to dance and be merry): 4
The Judy Garland Christmas Show: First off, I can't be the first person to find the irony of this being sponsored by a kind of pill. Secondly, we start with Judy singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Love it. So much. If you haven't seen it, they have it set up as if Judy is having Christmas at home. It's obviously a set but that's the charm of this classic. Judy and her kids that aren't Liza are singing at the beginning. They then relax as Liza comes home and she's confused at the cameras. I think she might legitimately be confused. It is Liza after all. However, she's soon singing with the others.
It's worth noting that Judy's son didn't get the talent. He's not bad but it's understandable that he would fade from the spotlight. We get a song with Liza and one of her boyfriends. Don't know if he was one of the gay ones but ehh, whatever. Judy sings as the kids decorate the tree. Jack Jones then enters singing "Wouldn't it Be Lovely."
Look, I'm not going synopsize the entire thing. It's worth checking out and would you believe that the other sponsor is Pall Mall cigarettes? I mean, seriously! Liza and her potentially gay beau stare at each other as he carries a pile of gifts for her as she sings. And, if that wasn't surreal enough, a group of dancing Santas rush in and, well, start dancing. I think they have given up on this being their home at the point unless this is a regular occurrence at the Garland residence. That would actually not surprise me one single bit to be perfectly honest.
Suddenly we have a bunch of carolers pop up. Mel Torme, the writer of the Christmas Song and Judy's drink has caught up with her because she stumbles on her lines, fumbles her lines, changes "reindeer" to "rainbows" but pulls herself together by the end. Judy is a freaking professional. The carolers start singing again. I always thought "Christmas Bells" was one of those Christmas songs that needed more exposure. The second half of the special really is just Judy and the Carolers singing together. Also, I just realized how obvious it is that Liza got a nose job. She also looks weird with long hair.
Eventually the Carolers all leave and Judy sings "Over the Rainbow" to her kids. It's just as beautiful as it is in The Wizard of Oz. In fact, there's this pain to it now that makes it even more beautiful than it was before. Is it a Christmas Song? No but neither is "My Favorite Things" and that gets played to death during the holiday season. It's just a beautiful special, starring a beautiful woman and her beautiful voice.
Christmas at Pee-Wee's Playhouse: Now for the opposite of a Beautiful voice. This really feels more like a parody of Holiday Specials. Paul Reuben plays Pee-Wee Herman as per usual, just as much of a spoiled kid as ever. What is really creepy is Miss Yvonne wears mistletoe on her hair because she wants to kiss everyone in the playhouse and, in face, make out with hundreds of people. This includes the talking floor. And Chair. And easel. And fish. You know, it's one thing to be the most beautiful woman in puppet land but it's another thing to do... that. Magic Johnson shows up. Umm, Miss Yvonne, it's alright to kiss him. Just... be careful about other things.
There's a running joke of people giving Pee-Wee fruitcake. Grace Jones shows up in a box. She's dressed just as bizarre as in The Living Daylights and she sings The Little Drummer Boy kinda like a lounge singer. I think we have a new candidate for Christmas Special that requires a liberal amount of drug use to make sense of.
Frankie and Annette pop up at this point to make Christmas Cards. Pee-Wee then forces them to work as sweat shop workers. But more bizare, Cher shows up to find out the secret word. Turns out it's year. . It's worth pointing out that she would have Oscar the next year (SCREAM) and be far beyond this. This is soon followed by k.d. Lang. She has hair and isn't tearing up pictures of the pope so it works out pretty well in all honesty.
Of the celebrities that show up, most are of the kind that just show up to say Merry Christmas. One of the exceptions is Dinah Short who shows up to sing The 12 Days of Christmas. She kinda gets left to do that in the background while Charro pops up to sing while Pee-Wee tries to whack a pinata. We also get our customary Haunakah message. This includes it getting called out and PeeWee getting a dreidel. It also turns out that the claymation dinosaurs in the walls are Jewish also. Who knew?
By the end of the special, the Fruitcake running gag cummulates in a new wing of the Playhouse being built of just Fruitcake. Pee-Wee gives up his presents for all the other children of the world, and he goes with Santa to deliver the presents. Christmas everyone!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: The only really sucky about this time of year is that it get dark way too early.
Late Christmas Ideas: You know, with all this talk of new bedding, I could use with a new comforter also. Yeah.
Notable Commercials: During Judy Garland, there's a commercial for Cold Medicine featuring stop motion version of the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion. I'll admit, its rather cool.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 2
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being a quiet night at home, 10 being Santa's randomly breaking in just to dance and be merry): 4
The Christmas Experiement 2012: Hours 15 & 16
You Know what? Let's watch some game shows because why the hell not?
The Price is Right: From December 24th, 2001. Complete with Rod Roddy and Bob Barker. Let me preface this with I love it when someone does a one dollar greater bid and then gets overbid by a dollar themselves. It's even better when the people lose because the audience has no clue what the heck they're talking about. The other thing I like is the look on Bob's face when someone does get up using the dollar over strategy. You can so tell he doesn't like what they just did. This game has had a near epidemic of it. That all said, there are some Christmas prizes but most of it is just holiday themed.
Bob only had a few years left when this episode was on. You can kinda tell. How you may ask? He's not asking people if there's anyone they want to talk to. He just wants to get it all over with so he can get home.
Match Game: December 24th, 1990. OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING!!! Also, Sally Struthers is on so many drugs in this episode that it's not even funny.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I've been making dinner while I was doing this one so if it seems like there's not much going on, well, there is just I'm focusing on multiple things.
Late Christmas Ideas: They keep showing a crappy commercial for some kinda Christmas hanging thing. I don't really want it but they showed me the commercial like four time and that's just plan annoying.
Notable Commercials: They keep running this one cookie commercial where the people are treating eating a cookie like it is the most exquisite sin ever conceived. They're also eating them on a plane. Ah, when you could actually take things on a plane.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being bidding a dollar for a hershey bar, 10 watching The Match Show ever again): 4
The Price is Right: From December 24th, 2001. Complete with Rod Roddy and Bob Barker. Let me preface this with I love it when someone does a one dollar greater bid and then gets overbid by a dollar themselves. It's even better when the people lose because the audience has no clue what the heck they're talking about. The other thing I like is the look on Bob's face when someone does get up using the dollar over strategy. You can so tell he doesn't like what they just did. This game has had a near epidemic of it. That all said, there are some Christmas prizes but most of it is just holiday themed.
Bob only had a few years left when this episode was on. You can kinda tell. How you may ask? He's not asking people if there's anyone they want to talk to. He just wants to get it all over with so he can get home.
Match Game: December 24th, 1990. OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING!!! Also, Sally Struthers is on so many drugs in this episode that it's not even funny.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I've been making dinner while I was doing this one so if it seems like there's not much going on, well, there is just I'm focusing on multiple things.
Late Christmas Ideas: They keep showing a crappy commercial for some kinda Christmas hanging thing. I don't really want it but they showed me the commercial like four time and that's just plan annoying.
Notable Commercials: They keep running this one cookie commercial where the people are treating eating a cookie like it is the most exquisite sin ever conceived. They're also eating them on a plane. Ah, when you could actually take things on a plane.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being bidding a dollar for a hershey bar, 10 watching The Match Show ever again): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2012 Hours 13-14
Time to watch a crappy Made-For-TV movie. Gob save my soul.
Christmas Do-Over: Oh goody, ABC Family. Last year was Lifetime so I have to do the other side of crappy Christmas movies, this time starring Jay Mohr.
We start with a douchebag doing last minute shopping. We can already tell he's going to learn a very important lesson about what Christmas is all about. We hear about a Christmas fair that's going on. I have a question: have any of you ever been to a Christmas Fair because they seem to be all over these specials. Anyway, the Douchebag who's named Kevin, comes home to his son. Kevin is materialistic and wants to buy stuff for the family instead of doing happy family stuff. Yep, he's learning a valuable lesson.
Kevin and his wife are divorced and they're all at her families house. Kevin got a Fun Bake Oven for his son. This is already painful because everyone there hates Kevin except for the grandma who wants to have sex with him. Then Kevin finds out a boulder is blocking the way out of town so he has to stay. That said, everyone is a terrible person in this one. Well, except the kid. The kid who wishes everyday was Christmas. Dear god. It's one of those Christmas movies.
The terrible human beings disguised as a familial unit go caroling. Kevin hates it. Who wouldn't? You know, if I hadn't already guessed that Kevin McCallister became Jigsaw, I would have guessed this scuzzball.Ex-wife's boyfriend proposes, she accepts, Kevin and son are less than happy.
And Time loops. Okay, it's Groundhog's Day. Since this is the first loop of the night, it means that Kevin is still getting the rules down. Second loop, he has the phase of trying to convince people to no degree of success. Third Loop, nothing new. Fourth loop, nothing new.
So, I'm guessing we're still on loop #4. Kevin just realized his son is a junior time lord, causing the warping of reality. He stops him from making the wish. Still doesn't change anything as fake CGI snow falls. Kevin becomes sure that nothing bad is going to happen and Loop #5!
Kevin tries to jump town. The boulder cuts him off.
Loop #6. He's in be the biggest douchebag mode of this journey. This includes going into sabotage mode on everyone. Huh. He figured out how to game the system pretty quickly. He then sets about destroying the Holiday for everyone save his son... and apparently Cougar Granny.
Loop #7, 8, 9, and 10 involve violence against an annoying Santa and then Jesus. And Mary. Holy crap. This isn't sucking.And now Joseph and evil Dad and Cougar Granny are in on the fight. Everyone this loop now hates Kevin more so he talks to Cougar Granny and he's inspired in the next loop to actually not suck as a human being.
Loop 11. He's now in the become a better man mode... except switching the gifts with the boyfriend. Okay, be a better man/sabotage The Boyfriend.
Loop 12: He plays the lottery and what seems like no difference from the Loop 11 strategy. Being an awesome person and ruining the Boyfriend's very existence. They get to the proposal and
Loop 13: The Boyfriend's proposal gets ruined some some.
Loop 14: And even more than that.
Loop 15: Kevin runs to get new awesome gifts for the family. Okay, I admit, I would take advantage of the time loop to screw with people. He completely broke this guy. Huh. I was seriously thinking I would hate this movie more. Strange.
Loops 16-22 have the only changes of escalating ways to break the New Boyfriend. Though Loop 22 kinda gets across that no matter what, Kevin's not winning back the ex.
Loop 23: Kevin tries to break the boulder. Failure.
Leep 24: Kevin tries to dynamite the boulder. Kevin blows himself up.
Loop 25: The boulder kills Kevin.
Loop 26: Kevin climbs over the boulder, falls and dies.
Loop 27: Kevin climbs a mountain to get away and the loop starts over.
Loop 28: Kevin learns skydiving, falls, and eats poison berries and dies.
Loop 29: Todd, the Boyfriend, comes to rescue Kevin. He finds out Todd isn't a bad guy. Good for him.
Loop 30: Kevin gets honest this attempt, acting like a normal human being as fake CGI snow falls. There's the standard heart-to-heart, Kevin is happy for Todd and the Ex.
Loop 31-42: Kevin learns to break dance. I am not joking. Later in loop 42, Kevin, using his break-dancing skills, helps the terrible dad win his float or something. It gets horribly sentimental and involves a speech from Winston Churchhill where he calls a family dressed as the Nativity evil. Kevin goes off to do something. Kevin is doing something with Fun Bake oven.
Loop: 43-48: Kevin learns how to change the Fun Bake oven into a toy that makes Monsters. The Ex slips that Kevin amazes her in a good way. Todd looks annoyed. He tries competing and instead makes the kid throw up. Todd is jealous. Kevin has also been using some of the loops to make a new, crappy Christmas carol. So, we get sentimental walk because Kevin learned his lesson and time goes back to normal and fake CGI snow falls because Kevin and the Ex are back together. That's the end.
Okay, I liked the movie up until the ending. Loop 30 was the logical ending. Why it had to go on an extra 18 loops is beyond me. Apparently the universe doesn't want you to be honest with who you are, it wants you to get back together with your first love. Seriously. I'm still trying to figure out the Aesop of this movie because they really made us like Kevin in Loop 29 and 30 and then bam, he becomes a little jerky in Loop 48 for some dumb reason and then disappears from the universe.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I would so not want to be one of the people in a time loop who never remember they were in one. You;d basically be nothing more than a toy for the person experiencing the loop
Late Christmas Ideas: You know, Groundhog's day is not a bad movie. It really inspires you to live each day without consequences because you never know when it's going to loop and you get a freebie.
Notable Commercials: The universe wants me to get a tablet or something. I don't need one. So, points to me I think.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being the best day of your life on permanent loop, 10 being the day of your most extensive dental work): 6
Christmas Do-Over: Oh goody, ABC Family. Last year was Lifetime so I have to do the other side of crappy Christmas movies, this time starring Jay Mohr.
We start with a douchebag doing last minute shopping. We can already tell he's going to learn a very important lesson about what Christmas is all about. We hear about a Christmas fair that's going on. I have a question: have any of you ever been to a Christmas Fair because they seem to be all over these specials. Anyway, the Douchebag who's named Kevin, comes home to his son. Kevin is materialistic and wants to buy stuff for the family instead of doing happy family stuff. Yep, he's learning a valuable lesson.
Kevin and his wife are divorced and they're all at her families house. Kevin got a Fun Bake Oven for his son. This is already painful because everyone there hates Kevin except for the grandma who wants to have sex with him. Then Kevin finds out a boulder is blocking the way out of town so he has to stay. That said, everyone is a terrible person in this one. Well, except the kid. The kid who wishes everyday was Christmas. Dear god. It's one of those Christmas movies.
The terrible human beings disguised as a familial unit go caroling. Kevin hates it. Who wouldn't? You know, if I hadn't already guessed that Kevin McCallister became Jigsaw, I would have guessed this scuzzball.Ex-wife's boyfriend proposes, she accepts, Kevin and son are less than happy.
And Time loops. Okay, it's Groundhog's Day. Since this is the first loop of the night, it means that Kevin is still getting the rules down. Second loop, he has the phase of trying to convince people to no degree of success. Third Loop, nothing new. Fourth loop, nothing new.
So, I'm guessing we're still on loop #4. Kevin just realized his son is a junior time lord, causing the warping of reality. He stops him from making the wish. Still doesn't change anything as fake CGI snow falls. Kevin becomes sure that nothing bad is going to happen and Loop #5!
Kevin tries to jump town. The boulder cuts him off.
Loop #6. He's in be the biggest douchebag mode of this journey. This includes going into sabotage mode on everyone. Huh. He figured out how to game the system pretty quickly. He then sets about destroying the Holiday for everyone save his son... and apparently Cougar Granny.
Loop #7, 8, 9, and 10 involve violence against an annoying Santa and then Jesus. And Mary. Holy crap. This isn't sucking.And now Joseph and evil Dad and Cougar Granny are in on the fight. Everyone this loop now hates Kevin more so he talks to Cougar Granny and he's inspired in the next loop to actually not suck as a human being.
Loop 11. He's now in the become a better man mode... except switching the gifts with the boyfriend. Okay, be a better man/sabotage The Boyfriend.
Loop 12: He plays the lottery and what seems like no difference from the Loop 11 strategy. Being an awesome person and ruining the Boyfriend's very existence. They get to the proposal and
Loop 13: The Boyfriend's proposal gets ruined some some.
Loop 14: And even more than that.
Loop 15: Kevin runs to get new awesome gifts for the family. Okay, I admit, I would take advantage of the time loop to screw with people. He completely broke this guy. Huh. I was seriously thinking I would hate this movie more. Strange.
Loops 16-22 have the only changes of escalating ways to break the New Boyfriend. Though Loop 22 kinda gets across that no matter what, Kevin's not winning back the ex.
Loop 23: Kevin tries to break the boulder. Failure.
Leep 24: Kevin tries to dynamite the boulder. Kevin blows himself up.
Loop 25: The boulder kills Kevin.
Loop 26: Kevin climbs over the boulder, falls and dies.
Loop 27: Kevin climbs a mountain to get away and the loop starts over.
Loop 28: Kevin learns skydiving, falls, and eats poison berries and dies.
Loop 29: Todd, the Boyfriend, comes to rescue Kevin. He finds out Todd isn't a bad guy. Good for him.
Loop 30: Kevin gets honest this attempt, acting like a normal human being as fake CGI snow falls. There's the standard heart-to-heart, Kevin is happy for Todd and the Ex.
Loop 31-42: Kevin learns to break dance. I am not joking. Later in loop 42, Kevin, using his break-dancing skills, helps the terrible dad win his float or something. It gets horribly sentimental and involves a speech from Winston Churchhill where he calls a family dressed as the Nativity evil. Kevin goes off to do something. Kevin is doing something with Fun Bake oven.
Loop: 43-48: Kevin learns how to change the Fun Bake oven into a toy that makes Monsters. The Ex slips that Kevin amazes her in a good way. Todd looks annoyed. He tries competing and instead makes the kid throw up. Todd is jealous. Kevin has also been using some of the loops to make a new, crappy Christmas carol. So, we get sentimental walk because Kevin learned his lesson and time goes back to normal and fake CGI snow falls because Kevin and the Ex are back together. That's the end.
Okay, I liked the movie up until the ending. Loop 30 was the logical ending. Why it had to go on an extra 18 loops is beyond me. Apparently the universe doesn't want you to be honest with who you are, it wants you to get back together with your first love. Seriously. I'm still trying to figure out the Aesop of this movie because they really made us like Kevin in Loop 29 and 30 and then bam, he becomes a little jerky in Loop 48 for some dumb reason and then disappears from the universe.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I would so not want to be one of the people in a time loop who never remember they were in one. You;d basically be nothing more than a toy for the person experiencing the loop
Late Christmas Ideas: You know, Groundhog's day is not a bad movie. It really inspires you to live each day without consequences because you never know when it's going to loop and you get a freebie.
Notable Commercials: The universe wants me to get a tablet or something. I don't need one. So, points to me I think.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being the best day of your life on permanent loop, 10 being the day of your most extensive dental work): 6
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 11&12
Time to check out the archives again.
The Walt Disney World Very Merry Christmas Parade: I watch the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parad Every Year. This is from 1985, the year I was born. They promise a behind the scenes look at Captain Eo featuring Michael Jackson. Huh. Joan Lundon and Ben Vereen are hosting. Huh. Regis Philbman is co-hosting, looking just slightly less grey than he does now. Huh.
A big difference between this parade and the more recent ones is that the recent ones have become a tool to promote the Disney Channelidiots stars. Thankfully, Selena Gomez hasn't even been born yet at this point. Dear god, that thought makes me feel so old. Instead, we have the West Orange High Marching Band. You know, I wonder if there's an East Orange High. I see West Orange all the time on these parades but never East. Maybe West Orange is like South Central with there not being a corresponding direction school.
So, one thing doesn't change and that's stupid commentary from the hosts. They're wondering what would happen if Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella came together. I personally wonder why Snow White never got a castle at a Disney Park? You'd think that EuroDisney would have Belle's castle for that matter but no, Sleeping Beauty. One thing they do anytime we see a character's float, we get their entire story. I have to remind myself that most of these films had not hit home video yet at this point.
Another huge change from later years is that they're actually showing the floats, not just doing the occasional montage and then forcing us to watch some Disneytalentless hack star sing. And... did the hosts just get excited over the announcement of EuroDisney? Oh dear god, those poor fools. They don't know what they're in for.
Speaking of failed Disney Projects, we get to see Regis's tour of the Living Seas Pavilion. It looks like a great part of EPCOT. However, this being EPCOT, it wasn't well visited. Overtime, the place was visited less and less until it got rebranded and changed around for synergy with Finding Nemo. It makes me sad since, let's face it, something educational has been taken over by Pixar. Of course, then we get another butchered attraction, The Country Bear Jamboree. It's been cut to ribbons but ehh, whatever. And now another Disney attraction that no longer exists: Captain Eo. George Lucas produced this, Francis Ford Coppola directed, and Angelica Huston was the villain. Holy crap! You can find it on YouTube if you look around. It actually got brought back in a slightly altered form after the dead of Michael Jackson. No surprise there.
Some of the human Cast Members look the part. Others look like Cruella DeVil does which is nothing like their part and more like expensive hookers. This is something that doesn't change. That said, the Cast Members playing the villains always look like they're having more fun than the princesses and other humans. Case in point to the right.
Something that's happening that you would so not see on TV today: Ben Vereen is singing "Go Tell it On the Mountain." It works. Is it a Christmas song? No but hey. whatever. When something works, it works.
And this was when the Gummy Bears were new. I know a lot of people don't even remember The Gummy Bears. That's what makes me especially sad. And makes me feel old. I think I'm going to feel old for quite a bit of time from here on out. Also, why are Rageddy Ann and Andy in this parade? They aren't Disney. Hell, not even an appearance in freaking Toy Story.
And Ronald Reagan talking to us. About Peace. Followed by Margaret Thatcher. What the hell? I know Disney is great and all but... what? What? And the Canadian Prime Minister also followed by a ton of Cast Members from the World Showcase and then singing about peace on Earth. Huh. Well, that wasn't expected. And the Parade is over. Time to go home kids because ABC is going to cut you off mid-sentence Joan.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I still have never been to Disney. I think I've planned vacations most of my life to the place but I've just never been able to. It's definitely on my bucket list of things to do.
Late Christmas Ideas: I really should start working on my Disney collection. There are so many films I wouldn't mind owning.
Notable Commercials: Eastman Kodak gets an ad. I miss traditional film labs sometimes. I also don't at the same time. What an interesting world we live in?
Then there's a commercial for a defunct airline and getting a vacation through them but let's ignore that. There's a man with 80s hair, a hairy chest, and a banana hammock demonstrating relaxation. I guess they want us to go to an all male resort.
Superman 2 is on on Tuesday. Yeah, how about no. Last thing we need is Superman's roofie kiss.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being Dumbo the Flying Elephant, 10 being Space Mountain while having a stomach flu and having just eaten three turkey legs that have been sitting out all day): 4
The Walt Disney World Very Merry Christmas Parade: I watch the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parad Every Year. This is from 1985, the year I was born. They promise a behind the scenes look at Captain Eo featuring Michael Jackson. Huh. Joan Lundon and Ben Vereen are hosting. Huh. Regis Philbman is co-hosting, looking just slightly less grey than he does now. Huh.
A big difference between this parade and the more recent ones is that the recent ones have become a tool to promote the Disney Channel
So, one thing doesn't change and that's stupid commentary from the hosts. They're wondering what would happen if Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella came together. I personally wonder why Snow White never got a castle at a Disney Park? You'd think that EuroDisney would have Belle's castle for that matter but no, Sleeping Beauty. One thing they do anytime we see a character's float, we get their entire story. I have to remind myself that most of these films had not hit home video yet at this point.
Another huge change from later years is that they're actually showing the floats, not just doing the occasional montage and then forcing us to watch some Disney
Speaking of failed Disney Projects, we get to see Regis's tour of the Living Seas Pavilion. It looks like a great part of EPCOT. However, this being EPCOT, it wasn't well visited. Overtime, the place was visited less and less until it got rebranded and changed around for synergy with Finding Nemo. It makes me sad since, let's face it, something educational has been taken over by Pixar. Of course, then we get another butchered attraction, The Country Bear Jamboree. It's been cut to ribbons but ehh, whatever. And now another Disney attraction that no longer exists: Captain Eo. George Lucas produced this, Francis Ford Coppola directed, and Angelica Huston was the villain. Holy crap! You can find it on YouTube if you look around. It actually got brought back in a slightly altered form after the dead of Michael Jackson. No surprise there.
Something that's happening that you would so not see on TV today: Ben Vereen is singing "Go Tell it On the Mountain." It works. Is it a Christmas song? No but hey. whatever. When something works, it works.
And this was when the Gummy Bears were new. I know a lot of people don't even remember The Gummy Bears. That's what makes me especially sad. And makes me feel old. I think I'm going to feel old for quite a bit of time from here on out. Also, why are Rageddy Ann and Andy in this parade? They aren't Disney. Hell, not even an appearance in freaking Toy Story.
And Ronald Reagan talking to us. About Peace. Followed by Margaret Thatcher. What the hell? I know Disney is great and all but... what? What? And the Canadian Prime Minister also followed by a ton of Cast Members from the World Showcase and then singing about peace on Earth. Huh. Well, that wasn't expected. And the Parade is over. Time to go home kids because ABC is going to cut you off mid-sentence Joan.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I still have never been to Disney. I think I've planned vacations most of my life to the place but I've just never been able to. It's definitely on my bucket list of things to do.
Late Christmas Ideas: I really should start working on my Disney collection. There are so many films I wouldn't mind owning.
Notable Commercials: Eastman Kodak gets an ad. I miss traditional film labs sometimes. I also don't at the same time. What an interesting world we live in?
Then there's a commercial for a defunct airline and getting a vacation through them but let's ignore that. There's a man with 80s hair, a hairy chest, and a banana hammock demonstrating relaxation. I guess they want us to go to an all male resort.
Superman 2 is on on Tuesday. Yeah, how about no. Last thing we need is Superman's roofie kiss.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 2/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being Dumbo the Flying Elephant, 10 being Space Mountain while having a stomach flu and having just eaten three turkey legs that have been sitting out all day): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 9&10
Food Network and Home Decor stuff this time? Sure.
Martha Stewart Living: The 12 Days of Christmas: Martha enlightens us about 364 gifts that this woman would have received. Shes showing us reinterpretations of each gift.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: An ugly paper bird hung on the top of a Christmas Tree covered in ugly bedazzled Pears.
Two Turtle Doves: Nametags for the table. I've always wondered about people obsessive-compulsive enough to need to tell people where they have to sit.
Three French Hens: Little chickens for each guest. Not ugly but Martha better be making some fantastic sides because these things couldn't fill up Kate Moss.
Four Calling Birds: Felt and Feather birds glued to stockings. Meh. She encourages you to buy her magazine so you can get the template for the birds. Martha is a business woman first and foremost.
Five Golden Rings: Wreaths. All of them covered in Golden paint. Pretty boring. Dude. Martha. You could have made doughnuts or something.
Six Geese A Laying- Fake goose eggs. Weak. Martha, an omelette or cooking a goose.
Seven Swans a Swimming: Pastry Swans on Chocolate sauce. Martha just expects you to know how to make them. To hell with you if you can;t just do it yourself.
Eight Maids a Milking: Martha is making an alcoholic beverage. If this was Sandra Lee, she would have done this for Four Calling Birds or something. Actually, if this was Sandra Lee, every day of Christmas would have been a table-scape or alcohol.
Nine Ladies Dancing & Ten Lords Leaping: Paper dolls. Martha, you're not even trying anymore, are you?
Eleven Pipers Piping: Martha has kidnapped a bunch of children and is having them pipe decoration onto cupcakes. I'd like to point out that Martha refers to herself as the Pied Piper. Remember that it's heavily implied that the Pied Piper killed the kids in the original fairy tale. Just saying.
Twelve Drummer's Drumming: Oatmeal Containers converted into drums to store cookies. Worse because Martha made Oatmeal Chocolate Chip. No, Martha. You're trying too hard to be whimsical.
After all this, Martha has a bunch of Gay Men sing the song to her. Martha, you idiot. They could have been the Lords a leaping! Also, in case we forgot about what the previous things of Christmas are, Martha wants them to remind you by showing them off.
Iron Chef America: Today's secret ingredient is... SPARKLING WINE!!!
Jose Garces is the Iron Chef. I haven't seen too much of him. I was hoping for Michael Symon but, then, I am kinda in love with Michael Symon. Mmmmm, Michael Symon.How can you not love him? He can cook, he's from Cleveland, and he's a Brown's fan! He's like the total package who is unluckily married to a woman. Dang. Anyway, they have to cook using Sparkling wine which has the added problem of trying to keep them from losing what makes them sparkling, otherwise not just make normal wine?
The thing I'm always struck by is how uphill it always is for the Challenging Chef. Yes, these are supposed to be some of the best of the best but it doesn't change the fact that the deck almost feels unfairly stacked against the competitor. The judges even seem to always favor the Iron Chef. The game does by having the Iron Chef go first in presentation. Thus, the judges have to compare the competitor no matter how fair they try to be. Not the fairest competition.
So, who wins? The Iron Chef as per usual. He doesn't win because of the taste but because of plating. Seriously.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do all my D&D characters seem to have Craft Culinary or something like that? I know I like to cook but why do all my characters feel the need to be the best chef in all that land?
Late Christmas Ideas: Michael Symon's cookbook is called Carnivore. I find that hilariously awesome.
Notable Commercials: Why would you use the Grumble to endorse your phone or any Product for that matter? He's the freaking villain of Rudolph! I'm not buying a Windows phone because of him. Hell, knowing that a villain endorses a phone makes me wonder if it's a trap. If Lex Luthor used a phone, I would wonder if it had a Kryptonite Battery or something.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being Christmas Alone, 10 being hosting Christmas for a family of 80+): 5
Martha Stewart Living: The 12 Days of Christmas: Martha enlightens us about 364 gifts that this woman would have received. Shes showing us reinterpretations of each gift.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: An ugly paper bird hung on the top of a Christmas Tree covered in ugly bedazzled Pears.
Two Turtle Doves: Nametags for the table. I've always wondered about people obsessive-compulsive enough to need to tell people where they have to sit.
Three French Hens: Little chickens for each guest. Not ugly but Martha better be making some fantastic sides because these things couldn't fill up Kate Moss.
Four Calling Birds: Felt and Feather birds glued to stockings. Meh. She encourages you to buy her magazine so you can get the template for the birds. Martha is a business woman first and foremost.
Five Golden Rings: Wreaths. All of them covered in Golden paint. Pretty boring. Dude. Martha. You could have made doughnuts or something.
Six Geese A Laying- Fake goose eggs. Weak. Martha, an omelette or cooking a goose.
Seven Swans a Swimming: Pastry Swans on Chocolate sauce. Martha just expects you to know how to make them. To hell with you if you can;t just do it yourself.
Eight Maids a Milking: Martha is making an alcoholic beverage. If this was Sandra Lee, she would have done this for Four Calling Birds or something. Actually, if this was Sandra Lee, every day of Christmas would have been a table-scape or alcohol.
Nine Ladies Dancing & Ten Lords Leaping: Paper dolls. Martha, you're not even trying anymore, are you?
Eleven Pipers Piping: Martha has kidnapped a bunch of children and is having them pipe decoration onto cupcakes. I'd like to point out that Martha refers to herself as the Pied Piper. Remember that it's heavily implied that the Pied Piper killed the kids in the original fairy tale. Just saying.
Twelve Drummer's Drumming: Oatmeal Containers converted into drums to store cookies. Worse because Martha made Oatmeal Chocolate Chip. No, Martha. You're trying too hard to be whimsical.
After all this, Martha has a bunch of Gay Men sing the song to her. Martha, you idiot. They could have been the Lords a leaping! Also, in case we forgot about what the previous things of Christmas are, Martha wants them to remind you by showing them off.
Iron Chef America: Today's secret ingredient is... SPARKLING WINE!!!
 |
| Mmmm, Michael Symon |
The thing I'm always struck by is how uphill it always is for the Challenging Chef. Yes, these are supposed to be some of the best of the best but it doesn't change the fact that the deck almost feels unfairly stacked against the competitor. The judges even seem to always favor the Iron Chef. The game does by having the Iron Chef go first in presentation. Thus, the judges have to compare the competitor no matter how fair they try to be. Not the fairest competition.
So, who wins? The Iron Chef as per usual. He doesn't win because of the taste but because of plating. Seriously.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do all my D&D characters seem to have Craft Culinary or something like that? I know I like to cook but why do all my characters feel the need to be the best chef in all that land?
Late Christmas Ideas: Michael Symon's cookbook is called Carnivore. I find that hilariously awesome.
Notable Commercials: Why would you use the Grumble to endorse your phone or any Product for that matter? He's the freaking villain of Rudolph! I'm not buying a Windows phone because of him. Hell, knowing that a villain endorses a phone makes me wonder if it's a trap. If Lex Luthor used a phone, I would wonder if it had a Kryptonite Battery or something.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being Christmas Alone, 10 being hosting Christmas for a family of 80+): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2012 Hours 7&8
Let's watch some Christmas Specials. All of these are recorded from the 80s or 90s complete with less than great video quality but meh.
A Muppet Family Christmas: This is one of my favorite Christmas specials of all time. The main premise is that Fozzie and company are going to Fozzie's mom's for Christmas. Fozzie's mom was renting her house to Doc and Sprocket from Fraggle Rock while she went to Florida then they show up. What follows is the strategic deployment of unhappiness for three characters until they convert to Christmas Cheer. But that's not the only reason to love the heck out of this thing. No, no, no, because all the Muppets from Sesame Street pop up also followed by the characters from Fraggle Rock. This has never happened before and never happens again.
It's worth noting that this is all long before Elmo became famous. He;s there but Grover gets center stage like he always should. I mean, seriously, Grover rocks on so many levels its not even funny. What makes everything all the much better about this is that you can so tell where the same voice actor is
Another running gag of the special is the Swedish Chef trading barbs with a turkey he is trying to roast. It also involves The Turkey trying to set him on other characters, the main one being Big Bird. In the end, there is no Christmas Bird which is a shame since the Turkey is kinda a mean character with little redeemable value. I mean, the guy tried to offer up Big Bird as a sacrificial bird. You deserve to get eaten.
An important note is a fair amount of scenes in the special are not on the home video release, mainly since rights were only cleared for a few of the songs only on television. Since I'm watching a recording from the original broadcast, it means thankfully that I get to see all of them. It also means we get to see the Muppet Babies in puppet form.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too: The special got introed by Michael Eisner. Knowing what I do about Eisner now, it really doesn't come off the greatest but hey, not like they have Walt Disney's frozen head stored someplace, now do they? In many ways, this comes off as more of a Christmas episode of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh than a specific Christmas Special. It makes sense since the animated series was still in production when the special came out. It would be easy to maneuver a few funds around for another episode.
The main idea is that Pooh needs to deliver the letter to Santa for him and his friends. When he ends up failing, he tries to deliver the gifts himself. When everyone gets angry with Pooh over sub-par gifts, Pooh then tries to deliver the letter in person. This fails horribly but then Christopher Robin shows up with the gifts anyway and it all works out.
Santabear's Highflying Adventure: I have never heard of this before. I just know if has John Malkovich in it. It seems like one of those very generic Christmas Specials that aired once and then never ended up airing again. The Santa Bear character was mostly an ad character made for Macy's I believe. I guess the bear is supposed to be Santa's helper or something. I dunno, I was like two when this aired originally. Santa Bear gets tasked with taking gifts to the South Pole because why not? I wonder if this is going to turn into a crossover with John Carpenter's The Thing?
Instead, Santabear meets a female bear who is pretty much meant to be his counterpart I'm guessing. There's also an evil Santabear named Bully Bear for some reason. The usual mistaken identity thing happens but it gets solved and there's a merry Christmas and all that jazz. Wish I could say there's a legitimate surprise there but I can see why this thing didn't enter the holiday repertoire. It's pretty unremarkable to be completely honest.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I am really starting to think that Christmas Crunch is a thing of the past. I've tried finding it this entire Christmas Season and, once again, couldn't find a single box. Completely sucks.
Late Christmas Ideas: A new pillow would be awesome also. The one I have right now I swear I;ve had for like ten years.
Notable Commercials: It's kinda depressing to think that all the kids in the Osh-Kosh commercials that keep on playing during the Muppet's special are now in their 30s.
I always missed the old Halls Medicine commercials with the hallways made of Hall's Medicine. Just something about it that I always found really awesome.
Tally:Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being a Turkey Dinner, 10 being deep-fried Turduckfishenin Hambruger Gravy ): 5
A Muppet Family Christmas: This is one of my favorite Christmas specials of all time. The main premise is that Fozzie and company are going to Fozzie's mom's for Christmas. Fozzie's mom was renting her house to Doc and Sprocket from Fraggle Rock while she went to Florida then they show up. What follows is the strategic deployment of unhappiness for three characters until they convert to Christmas Cheer. But that's not the only reason to love the heck out of this thing. No, no, no, because all the Muppets from Sesame Street pop up also followed by the characters from Fraggle Rock. This has never happened before and never happens again.
It's worth noting that this is all long before Elmo became famous. He;s there but Grover gets center stage like he always should. I mean, seriously, Grover rocks on so many levels its not even funny. What makes everything all the much better about this is that you can so tell where the same voice actor is
Another running gag of the special is the Swedish Chef trading barbs with a turkey he is trying to roast. It also involves The Turkey trying to set him on other characters, the main one being Big Bird. In the end, there is no Christmas Bird which is a shame since the Turkey is kinda a mean character with little redeemable value. I mean, the guy tried to offer up Big Bird as a sacrificial bird. You deserve to get eaten.
An important note is a fair amount of scenes in the special are not on the home video release, mainly since rights were only cleared for a few of the songs only on television. Since I'm watching a recording from the original broadcast, it means thankfully that I get to see all of them. It also means we get to see the Muppet Babies in puppet form.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too: The special got introed by Michael Eisner. Knowing what I do about Eisner now, it really doesn't come off the greatest but hey, not like they have Walt Disney's frozen head stored someplace, now do they? In many ways, this comes off as more of a Christmas episode of The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh than a specific Christmas Special. It makes sense since the animated series was still in production when the special came out. It would be easy to maneuver a few funds around for another episode.
The main idea is that Pooh needs to deliver the letter to Santa for him and his friends. When he ends up failing, he tries to deliver the gifts himself. When everyone gets angry with Pooh over sub-par gifts, Pooh then tries to deliver the letter in person. This fails horribly but then Christopher Robin shows up with the gifts anyway and it all works out.
Santabear's Highflying Adventure: I have never heard of this before. I just know if has John Malkovich in it. It seems like one of those very generic Christmas Specials that aired once and then never ended up airing again. The Santa Bear character was mostly an ad character made for Macy's I believe. I guess the bear is supposed to be Santa's helper or something. I dunno, I was like two when this aired originally. Santa Bear gets tasked with taking gifts to the South Pole because why not? I wonder if this is going to turn into a crossover with John Carpenter's The Thing?
Instead, Santabear meets a female bear who is pretty much meant to be his counterpart I'm guessing. There's also an evil Santabear named Bully Bear for some reason. The usual mistaken identity thing happens but it gets solved and there's a merry Christmas and all that jazz. Wish I could say there's a legitimate surprise there but I can see why this thing didn't enter the holiday repertoire. It's pretty unremarkable to be completely honest.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I am really starting to think that Christmas Crunch is a thing of the past. I've tried finding it this entire Christmas Season and, once again, couldn't find a single box. Completely sucks.
Late Christmas Ideas: A new pillow would be awesome also. The one I have right now I swear I;ve had for like ten years.
Notable Commercials: It's kinda depressing to think that all the kids in the Osh-Kosh commercials that keep on playing during the Muppet's special are now in their 30s.
I always missed the old Halls Medicine commercials with the hallways made of Hall's Medicine. Just something about it that I always found really awesome.
Tally:Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being a Turkey Dinner, 10 being deep-fried Turduckfishenin Hambruger Gravy ): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 5&6
Okay people, let's watch some less than Stellar animation.
The Polar Express: I hate this movie more out of principle than anything else. I know Hollywood has a hard time coming up with ideas these days. That said, most Children's Books don't have enough plot to fill out a 2 hour movie. Thus, most have to create pointless sub-plots to fill out the length or add musical numbers that add little to nothing to the film itself. I wish that was the only reason I dislike this movie as much as I do. It's not. Oh my god, it's not.
First off, let me talk about the animation right away. I'm a hand-drawn guy, all the way. I like CGI, don't get me wrong, its just that hand-drawn is so much more... beautiful to me. It takes so much more effort. The use of CGI in this one uses a fair amount of motion capture. It also has a fair amount of uncanny valley to it. Like seriously, these kids are the most freaking disturbing things I have seen in my entire life. I'm sure if the dread lord Cthulu emerged from his sleep and saw these things, he would scream his way back into the abyss.
One thing that pops to mind about this movie is Tom Hanks. They were more than a little frugal here, namely in having him voice half the cast. It works so well as a budget saving device. First off, Hanks ain't exactly cheap to hire. Even if he was a producer, you know he was making a pretty nickle here. Beyond that though, since Hanks voices so many of the characters, that means they don't have to hire extra voice actors to fill those roles. That said, it also makes sense if all these characters are the same person since a fair amount of them look alike also.
I would like to introduce you all to the concept of Mort. Mort is a being that exists in all possible universe's. He is the most annoying being to ever exist. He is the the most annoying geek ever. He is the kid that always knows everything, always has to be right, and happens to have every rare collectable you've never heard of. He will look down on you for not knowing something and will probably live with his mother well into his 40s. Know-It-All is this universe's Mort. The inclusion of such a character is kinda pointless. He's there mainly to add a character to learn a very valuable lesson. That's all I got on him, really. He's voiced by Eddie Deezan who has made his career off of voicing these kind of characters. Mandark in Dexter's Laboratory comes to mind.
In the long run though, back on the subject of pointless sub-plots, they barely add anything to the movie. See the entire section on the Ice flow. It's mainly there for an action sequence. Same for later on in the movie when the Observation car that the characters are in get decoupled. It also doesn't help that a fair amount of the scenes were obviously shot for 3-D. I understand that you have to put some extra stuff in since, quite frankly, a 30 page children's book does not easily translate to a 90 minute film.
In the long run, this movie would have been better as a Christmas Special then a Christmas Movie. Sorry but its true. There is too little plot to go around. One also has to factor in that the sheer amount of sequences that are build strictly for the 3-D and the creepiness of the kids, and you can see why I think this film fails. I don't hate it so much as I pity it for doing such a bad job as it does.
Also, the Josh Groban song? Kinda hopelessly schmaltzy which is sad considering that Groban is a pretty freaking awesome guy.
Non-Viewing Thoughts:I really do need to start decorating for Christmas sometime in the future. It certainly won't hurt in the long run.
Late Christmas Ideas:I really need a new mixer. I think a Cuisiart would be awesome but hell if I'm ever going to be able to afford one of those.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being an elf on December 26th, 10 being the elf who has to wash Santa's suit on the 26th): 3
The Polar Express: I hate this movie more out of principle than anything else. I know Hollywood has a hard time coming up with ideas these days. That said, most Children's Books don't have enough plot to fill out a 2 hour movie. Thus, most have to create pointless sub-plots to fill out the length or add musical numbers that add little to nothing to the film itself. I wish that was the only reason I dislike this movie as much as I do. It's not. Oh my god, it's not.
One thing that pops to mind about this movie is Tom Hanks. They were more than a little frugal here, namely in having him voice half the cast. It works so well as a budget saving device. First off, Hanks ain't exactly cheap to hire. Even if he was a producer, you know he was making a pretty nickle here. Beyond that though, since Hanks voices so many of the characters, that means they don't have to hire extra voice actors to fill those roles. That said, it also makes sense if all these characters are the same person since a fair amount of them look alike also.
In the long run though, back on the subject of pointless sub-plots, they barely add anything to the movie. See the entire section on the Ice flow. It's mainly there for an action sequence. Same for later on in the movie when the Observation car that the characters are in get decoupled. It also doesn't help that a fair amount of the scenes were obviously shot for 3-D. I understand that you have to put some extra stuff in since, quite frankly, a 30 page children's book does not easily translate to a 90 minute film.
In the long run, this movie would have been better as a Christmas Special then a Christmas Movie. Sorry but its true. There is too little plot to go around. One also has to factor in that the sheer amount of sequences that are build strictly for the 3-D and the creepiness of the kids, and you can see why I think this film fails. I don't hate it so much as I pity it for doing such a bad job as it does.
Also, the Josh Groban song? Kinda hopelessly schmaltzy which is sad considering that Groban is a pretty freaking awesome guy.
Non-Viewing Thoughts:I really do need to start decorating for Christmas sometime in the future. It certainly won't hurt in the long run.
Late Christmas Ideas:I really need a new mixer. I think a Cuisiart would be awesome but hell if I'm ever going to be able to afford one of those.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being an elf on December 26th, 10 being the elf who has to wash Santa's suit on the 26th): 3
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 3 & 4
Let's go back to that period of time known as the Late 80s/Early 90s (yes, I know that's not a real period of time. So sue me.)
Knight Rider: Ah, nothing screams the 80s quite like David Hasslehoff's hair. Also, the teaser for the episode gives away so much of the episode's plots. This episode, "Silent Knight" is so much fun. First off, it starts with just a scene of Hasslehoff driving while Yes's "Owner of a Lonely Heart" playing. It then turns into Hasslehoff having to buy a suit. What follows is a fairly standard plot about Hasslehoff helping a gypsy kid with a perm who can identify a bunch of bank robbers. They bond, we get another montage of driving with pop music of the time that I can't identify, and lots of shots of Hasslehoff's chest hair peaking out of his shirt. Hasslehoff drops him off with a bunch of fellow gypsies until the thieves catch up and kidnap him. The kid steals the robber's car while the Hoff goes to harass the gypsies until they admit they helped set the kid up for money. This all ends in a cornfield since Christmas and Corn go together like driving a car and a terrible cover of Eye of the Tiger. The day is saved. Hoorah.
It's worth noting that this is more an episode that takes place at Christmas rather than a Christmas episode. Most of the Christmas stuff comes from Hasslehoff having to go to a Christmas Party that he doesn't want to attend and, if he doesn't buy real formalwear, having to wear something out of the 18th century. The entire Formalwear plotline is never resolved, sadly.
Regardless of this all, we also learn that KITT, the talking car, doesn't understand Christmas. He has to learn about the holiday because why the hell not? Hasslehoff tries to teach the freaking talking car about the spirit of the holiday but this mostly results in the car becoming more generous. The car also has to go Christmas shopping at one point. HOW DOES A CAR GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?!?!?
Tarzan: This episode, "Tarzan's Christmas" is from the 90s series.First off, it's a half hour series starring a man by the name if Wolf Anderson with a mullet in a loin cloth. Also, despite being from 1990, it is so 80s. They make liberal use of the famous Tarzan call, Jane is French for some reason, they decorate a Palm Tree, and Tarzan learns about death from an old chimp dieing. It's all so Tarzan can learn the true meaning of Christmas. In reality, Tarzan just kinda stares into the middle distance in close-up and pretends he understands something that isn't oiling himself up. Also, Tarzan lets out a "NOOOOOO!" when the old chimp dies. Anyway, everyone has Christmas. Its all kinda boring.
Also, Tarzan has a teenage boy sidekick who likes to play really loud music that annoys Tarzan's native friend. The music? Flight of the Valkyries. I could make a highly inappropriate joke but nah.
The Cosby Show: I figure I need to get some sitcoms in here so fine, The Cosby Show. I haven't covered it before. It's an episode from the last season, "Claire's Place" which means a little too much of Raven Symone. On the bright side, Claire Huxtable. What we get is the radiance of Claire Huxtable as she enjoys having a room of her very own where no one else enters. This means, we get what is basically a one woman show with occasional Bill Cosby and Company interludes. Christmas is only kinda a tangential element to the episode. It's mainly relegated to Cosby and family getting ready for Christmas. But once again, this little because we get Claire Huxtable dancing and, at one point, giving her signature glare at a person on the phone and then give suggestive glances at Billy Cosby. Thankfully things cut away before they get to... that point. I love Claire Huxtable but I don't think my senses could withstand seeing.... that.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I really should get a real bed at some point. I think I've almost hit the age where sleeping on a futon is kinda sad and pathetic.
Late Christmas Ideas: A buff guy in a loin cloth or, barring that, an 80's theme song opening credit sequence..
Notable Commercials: There's a commercial where Gwen Steffani tries to sell us the Windows Phone. In the commercial, she uses Skype. On a phone. That seems all kinda of lazy and/or there.
Also, we get the Armani cologne commercial again with the guy in the speedo. Still not sure if I like it or not.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 4
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 hair normal people wear, 10 being a combo perm/mullet): 4
Knight Rider: Ah, nothing screams the 80s quite like David Hasslehoff's hair. Also, the teaser for the episode gives away so much of the episode's plots. This episode, "Silent Knight" is so much fun. First off, it starts with just a scene of Hasslehoff driving while Yes's "Owner of a Lonely Heart" playing. It then turns into Hasslehoff having to buy a suit. What follows is a fairly standard plot about Hasslehoff helping a gypsy kid with a perm who can identify a bunch of bank robbers. They bond, we get another montage of driving with pop music of the time that I can't identify, and lots of shots of Hasslehoff's chest hair peaking out of his shirt. Hasslehoff drops him off with a bunch of fellow gypsies until the thieves catch up and kidnap him. The kid steals the robber's car while the Hoff goes to harass the gypsies until they admit they helped set the kid up for money. This all ends in a cornfield since Christmas and Corn go together like driving a car and a terrible cover of Eye of the Tiger. The day is saved. Hoorah.
It's worth noting that this is more an episode that takes place at Christmas rather than a Christmas episode. Most of the Christmas stuff comes from Hasslehoff having to go to a Christmas Party that he doesn't want to attend and, if he doesn't buy real formalwear, having to wear something out of the 18th century. The entire Formalwear plotline is never resolved, sadly.
Regardless of this all, we also learn that KITT, the talking car, doesn't understand Christmas. He has to learn about the holiday because why the hell not? Hasslehoff tries to teach the freaking talking car about the spirit of the holiday but this mostly results in the car becoming more generous. The car also has to go Christmas shopping at one point. HOW DOES A CAR GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING?!?!?
Tarzan: This episode, "Tarzan's Christmas" is from the 90s series.First off, it's a half hour series starring a man by the name if Wolf Anderson with a mullet in a loin cloth. Also, despite being from 1990, it is so 80s. They make liberal use of the famous Tarzan call, Jane is French for some reason, they decorate a Palm Tree, and Tarzan learns about death from an old chimp dieing. It's all so Tarzan can learn the true meaning of Christmas. In reality, Tarzan just kinda stares into the middle distance in close-up and pretends he understands something that isn't oiling himself up. Also, Tarzan lets out a "NOOOOOO!" when the old chimp dies. Anyway, everyone has Christmas. Its all kinda boring.
Also, Tarzan has a teenage boy sidekick who likes to play really loud music that annoys Tarzan's native friend. The music? Flight of the Valkyries. I could make a highly inappropriate joke but nah.
 |
| She's judging my writing. |
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I really should get a real bed at some point. I think I've almost hit the age where sleeping on a futon is kinda sad and pathetic.
Late Christmas Ideas: A buff guy in a loin cloth or, barring that, an 80's theme song opening credit sequence..
Notable Commercials: There's a commercial where Gwen Steffani tries to sell us the Windows Phone. In the commercial, she uses Skype. On a phone. That seems all kinda of lazy and/or there.
Also, we get the Armani cologne commercial again with the guy in the speedo. Still not sure if I like it or not.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 4
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 hair normal people wear, 10 being a combo perm/mullet): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 1 & 2
Okay, we're starting with, not a film classic but a shitty cash-in sequel to it.
A Christmas Story 2: I don't consider the original to be the best Christmas Movie of all time but it's still a tradition. This is a cash-in, pure and simple. They should not remind us of the original by placing a preview for the original before this piece of crap.
First off, none of the original cast has returned, for the obvious reasons. Second thing, Daniel Stern is playing the dad now. Daniel Stern. More than a little sick at that. Finally, the kid playing an older Ralphie. You may remember me a few years back going on about Ralphie being gay. I stand by that and feel reenforced. For starters, at one point Ralphie looks at a girl and describes her in voice-over. Said girls boyfriend shows up and Ralphie describes the boy's physique in more detail.
One thing to note is that the people who made this movie are definitely counting on the nostalgia factor more than anything else. Instead of Ralphie talking about the glory of a Red-Rider Beebee gun, he is describing lovingly a car instead. This is part of the problem. One of the things that I always loved so much about the original movie is that there's still this universal boyhood feel to it. An innocence. Instead, we get Ralphie never shutting up about a car (the Red Ryder gun was more a subplot than anything else) and smelling a girl's hair like some kinda pervert.
Moving along, a heavy amount of the plot involves Ralphie having wrecked said car by accident. The original film didn't have a hell of a plot. It's what helped keep it's timeless quality. It was everything that went up to the day itself. This instead is just Ralphie having grown like eight years, some rather stupid fantasies inserted at random times, and is more than a bit of an idiot. At least in the original, Ralphie would have an inkling of common sense. This kid does stupid things for the sake of being stupid.
The humor is what murders this movie. At one point, a character giftwraps a baby. I am not joking. It is stupid beyond all belief. This is followed by a montage of slapstick involving an over-weight woman trying on shoes, perfume sprayers, and Ralphie playing with a woman's mannequin. What makes most of the humor worse is that they have too many call back gags to the original. For example, the same kid who licks the flagpole sticks his tongue into a pneumatic tube. They even bring up the original. What really doesn't work is Ralphie's little brother who has become a deadpan snarker. Keep in mind that this is in the 40s. That doesn't happen.
Daniel Stern as The Old Man sucks. I'm not skating around that. His version is just mean-spirited. He yells every other line and there's little of the man who secretly got his son a dangerous beebee gun. This is the kind of man who would sell his children on the black market and then gamble away the money. He displays that by refusing the turkey because it's a few cents cheaper. This is not the lovable curmudgeon of the original. This is a freaking terrible human being we're supposed to feel sorry for. Also, he gets the lamp back for the no reason whatsoever.
Another problem is that he bring on the schmaltz, or at least try to. We're talking meaningful heart-to-hearts, long close-ups on a homeless kid and his family (right down to once Ralphie seeing the homeless family and giving them most of the money he saved for the car), and then Ralphie gets the car anyway plus the girl because why the hell not?
Overall, this movie sucks. I wish I could say this is the worst thing I'm going to watch today but I know for a fact that one thing is going to be so vile and terrible that I have no choice but wait in anticipation of it. This movie is going to pretty much be relegated to the halls of forgotten sequels and never be seen again and that's justice, my friends. Real justice. Also, pretty positive that Ralphie's friends in this one are secretly dating each other. Just saying.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do people make cash-in straight to dvd sequels and I just answered my own question there.
Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to remove this movie from my Netflix Queue in the past so I wouldn't have wasted my time on it.
Tally:
Mountain Dews Consumed: 0
Amps consumed: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being giving up now and going to bed, 10 being deciding to do this into Christmas itself): 4
A Christmas Story 2: I don't consider the original to be the best Christmas Movie of all time but it's still a tradition. This is a cash-in, pure and simple. They should not remind us of the original by placing a preview for the original before this piece of crap.
 |
| Look and despair. |
One thing to note is that the people who made this movie are definitely counting on the nostalgia factor more than anything else. Instead of Ralphie talking about the glory of a Red-Rider Beebee gun, he is describing lovingly a car instead. This is part of the problem. One of the things that I always loved so much about the original movie is that there's still this universal boyhood feel to it. An innocence. Instead, we get Ralphie never shutting up about a car (the Red Ryder gun was more a subplot than anything else) and smelling a girl's hair like some kinda pervert.
Moving along, a heavy amount of the plot involves Ralphie having wrecked said car by accident. The original film didn't have a hell of a plot. It's what helped keep it's timeless quality. It was everything that went up to the day itself. This instead is just Ralphie having grown like eight years, some rather stupid fantasies inserted at random times, and is more than a bit of an idiot. At least in the original, Ralphie would have an inkling of common sense. This kid does stupid things for the sake of being stupid.
The humor is what murders this movie. At one point, a character giftwraps a baby. I am not joking. It is stupid beyond all belief. This is followed by a montage of slapstick involving an over-weight woman trying on shoes, perfume sprayers, and Ralphie playing with a woman's mannequin. What makes most of the humor worse is that they have too many call back gags to the original. For example, the same kid who licks the flagpole sticks his tongue into a pneumatic tube. They even bring up the original. What really doesn't work is Ralphie's little brother who has become a deadpan snarker. Keep in mind that this is in the 40s. That doesn't happen.
Daniel Stern as The Old Man sucks. I'm not skating around that. His version is just mean-spirited. He yells every other line and there's little of the man who secretly got his son a dangerous beebee gun. This is the kind of man who would sell his children on the black market and then gamble away the money. He displays that by refusing the turkey because it's a few cents cheaper. This is not the lovable curmudgeon of the original. This is a freaking terrible human being we're supposed to feel sorry for. Also, he gets the lamp back for the no reason whatsoever.
Another problem is that he bring on the schmaltz, or at least try to. We're talking meaningful heart-to-hearts, long close-ups on a homeless kid and his family (right down to once Ralphie seeing the homeless family and giving them most of the money he saved for the car), and then Ralphie gets the car anyway plus the girl because why the hell not?
Overall, this movie sucks. I wish I could say this is the worst thing I'm going to watch today but I know for a fact that one thing is going to be so vile and terrible that I have no choice but wait in anticipation of it. This movie is going to pretty much be relegated to the halls of forgotten sequels and never be seen again and that's justice, my friends. Real justice. Also, pretty positive that Ralphie's friends in this one are secretly dating each other. Just saying.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do people make cash-in straight to dvd sequels and I just answered my own question there.
Late Christmas Ideas: The ability to remove this movie from my Netflix Queue in the past so I wouldn't have wasted my time on it.
Tally:
Mountain Dews Consumed: 0
Amps consumed: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being giving up now and going to bed, 10 being deciding to do this into Christmas itself): 4
Sunday, December 23, 2012
The Christmas Experiment 2012: Prelude
Well, it's that time of year again, only a day sooner. I'm experimenting with doing the experiment on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas day this year, mainly since I've decided to just go to the movie theater on Christmas Day, see a few Oscar Bait films, etc. Also, another change this year is that, because the roomies and I have gotten rid of the cable, I'm mostly depending on videos I found online for this. However, there are a host of people on YouTube who have uploaded videos with the original Christmas Breaks so I can still comment on commercials, just ones from the 80s in most of the cases.
This year's provisions are:
This year's provisions are:
- One (1) 24 Pack of Mountain Dew
- One (1) Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie
- Four (4) cans of Amp Energy Drink
- One (1) Wallyworld Christmas Hat
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)