Martha Stewart Living: The 12 Days of Christmas: Martha enlightens us about 364 gifts that this woman would have received. Shes showing us reinterpretations of each gift.
A Partridge in a Pear Tree: An ugly paper bird hung on the top of a Christmas Tree covered in ugly bedazzled Pears.
Two Turtle Doves: Nametags for the table. I've always wondered about people obsessive-compulsive enough to need to tell people where they have to sit.
Three French Hens: Little chickens for each guest. Not ugly but Martha better be making some fantastic sides because these things couldn't fill up Kate Moss.
Four Calling Birds: Felt and Feather birds glued to stockings. Meh. She encourages you to buy her magazine so you can get the template for the birds. Martha is a business woman first and foremost.
Five Golden Rings: Wreaths. All of them covered in Golden paint. Pretty boring. Dude. Martha. You could have made doughnuts or something.
Six Geese A Laying- Fake goose eggs. Weak. Martha, an omelette or cooking a goose.
Seven Swans a Swimming: Pastry Swans on Chocolate sauce. Martha just expects you to know how to make them. To hell with you if you can;t just do it yourself.
Eight Maids a Milking: Martha is making an alcoholic beverage. If this was Sandra Lee, she would have done this for Four Calling Birds or something. Actually, if this was Sandra Lee, every day of Christmas would have been a table-scape or alcohol.
Nine Ladies Dancing & Ten Lords Leaping: Paper dolls. Martha, you're not even trying anymore, are you?
Eleven Pipers Piping: Martha has kidnapped a bunch of children and is having them pipe decoration onto cupcakes. I'd like to point out that Martha refers to herself as the Pied Piper. Remember that it's heavily implied that the Pied Piper killed the kids in the original fairy tale. Just saying.
Twelve Drummer's Drumming: Oatmeal Containers converted into drums to store cookies. Worse because Martha made Oatmeal Chocolate Chip. No, Martha. You're trying too hard to be whimsical.
After all this, Martha has a bunch of Gay Men sing the song to her. Martha, you idiot. They could have been the Lords a leaping! Also, in case we forgot about what the previous things of Christmas are, Martha wants them to remind you by showing them off.
Iron Chef America: Today's secret ingredient is... SPARKLING WINE!!!
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| Mmmm, Michael Symon |
The thing I'm always struck by is how uphill it always is for the Challenging Chef. Yes, these are supposed to be some of the best of the best but it doesn't change the fact that the deck almost feels unfairly stacked against the competitor. The judges even seem to always favor the Iron Chef. The game does by having the Iron Chef go first in presentation. Thus, the judges have to compare the competitor no matter how fair they try to be. Not the fairest competition.
So, who wins? The Iron Chef as per usual. He doesn't win because of the taste but because of plating. Seriously.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do all my D&D characters seem to have Craft Culinary or something like that? I know I like to cook but why do all my characters feel the need to be the best chef in all that land?
Late Christmas Ideas: Michael Symon's cookbook is called Carnivore. I find that hilariously awesome.
Notable Commercials: Why would you use the Grumble to endorse your phone or any Product for that matter? He's the freaking villain of Rudolph! I'm not buying a Windows phone because of him. Hell, knowing that a villain endorses a phone makes me wonder if it's a trap. If Lex Luthor used a phone, I would wonder if it had a Kryptonite Battery or something.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being Christmas Alone, 10 being hosting Christmas for a family of 80+): 5
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