The Star Wars Christmas Special: Yes, I'm watching this. It's showing solidarity with Mike and Dan over on Earth-2.net who I may have caused to review this steaming pile also. So, here I am doing to also since I honestly do feel bad. Let's... let's just start this.
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| Once Ugly... thing. |
Chewbacca's father is named Itchy. That's not important. It's more messed up than anything else. It's also worth noticing that GM sponsored this thing. Yeah. Anyway, what follows is the stupidest idea in cinema history. eight minutes of just wookie growling. I am not making this crap up. Chewie;s Wife wants her son to take out the trash I believe. Chewie's dad is making a X-Wing. Son wanted a cookie but has to take the trash out first. Its amazing that I know whats going on here. Also, apparently Wookie's live in treehouses. Son is tempting fate by walking on the railing but he doesn't die unluckily.
Wife misses her husband or is secretly carrying on an affair with Itchy. Not sure which. Okay, some indecipherable Wookie arguing happens. Son is shown some cracked out things on the holoboard. I think it's some kinda bug circus or something. That's the only explanation I can grasp. The son appears to be very excited by the disgusting TV show I believe, not sure. The crap is over. Thank God.
So, Ma Wookie hacks into a security camera with Art Carney and an Imperial Officer. I think Art Carney is trying to sell stuff but is also smuggling Han and Chewie in. It also means a fair amount of dumb jokes. They are not even remotely important to the plot so to heck with that.
So, more Wookie Housecleaning. Ma Wookie doesn't understand kids so she watches TV. People watch a lot of TV. In this case, it's Harvey Korman in drag doing a slapstick routine. One note about this sequence is that it's not even remotely stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. stir whip stir whip whip whip stir. OH GOD!!!! It;s burnt into my mind, make it stop!!!! WHO WROTE THIS!?!?!
Okay, Ma Wookie stops that pointless scene as we cut to a thrilling space battle. Oh wait, no, it's showing enemy ships firing and then Han and Chewie's reactions. Anyway, a further blockade is set up and Art Carney shows up with Lifeday Presents. Ma Wookie kisses Art Carney so everyone's happy. Itchy got what looks like an expensive hairdryer. Actually, it's a disco star's floating head singing. Oh god, it's Cybersex. We're watching Wookie Cybersex. Why are they showing us Wookie Cybersex!?!?!?! Who builds these things? Why would you build these things? GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Oh, and now shes singing. Sure, why not. At least it's not implied Wookie Cybersex, its just the worst song I have heard in recent memory! That's a fair tradeoff.
Meanwhile, Leia and C-3PO appear to be doing accounting when Ma Wookie calls. Art Carney goes to have some cookies with her. Han and Chewie get through the blockade and head to the planet as Stormtroopers show up. Hopefully everyone dies.
Oh no, they live. The imperials are just searching their house. Hopefully Itchy's porn is enough of a cause to kill them all. C'mon! The imperials harass everyone in the Bacca household. Art Carney brings out... something. Not sure what. Oh, it's a TV. Another TV. This is the fourth TV like thing this house has and all of them seem to require dropping acid. Also, in this case, Jefferson Starship. THIS IS POINTLESS! If they cut out anything pointless in this dreck, it would be about ten minutes long. No, it would be less than ten minutes long. It would consist and Han Solo and Wookie flying, landing, and saying Happy Life Day. That's it. Instead, now we have Art Carney dancing to Starship. Not even one of their good songs, we're talking the crap they usually put out. The Imperials continue searching as they chase Art Carney out. The Imperial Officer looks like he;s going to get Ma Wookie to offer favors for her safety.
Stupid son watches some ugly animation of the cast of the movie. It's almost on the level of the CD-I Zelda games. Almost. It is so very ugly. I mean, like levels of ugly never seen before. Luke and the droids go to rescue the Falcon off the surface of a planet. Nessie almost eats them when Boba Fett shows up and saves them. Chewie and Boba go to get some cure for sleeping sickness because why not. This animation is almost worse than the rest of the special so far. Turns out Boba is evil, Stupid Son cries out, the imperials go to inspect. C'mon, let him get shot and die.
Unluckily, he lives because he changes the channel before going back to watch the cartoon.R2 intercepts Vader and Boba's conversation somehow. Your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, everyone gets cured of their sleeping sickness, Boba runs, the ugly animation is over as stupid kid claps.
Meanwhile, the Imperials search Stupid Son's room. This consists of them pretty much breaking things rather than really searching it all. Stupid Son cries as Ma Wookie either feels her son's pain or just passed gas. Not sure which. The kid watches a video instruction to repair a transmitter. It's more Harvey Koreman not being funny. It also goes on for 5+ minutes as he, who is some kinda robot, keeps on breaking down. If you were doing a video to tell someone how to repair something, why would you use something defective? You don't use a defect to tell you how to fix a defect. That's just freaking common sense. The robot collapses as we got to commercial.
And the Imperials have to watch a video about the Mos Eisley Catina, now with 100% more Bea Arthur. Bea and Harvey Koreman in yet another role flirt. Well, he flirts with her. Bea could care less. She's got a bar to run. She knows what the heck she's doing and .... Harvey drinks through the top of his head. Why the hell.... but.... Oh good, it gets interrupted by the announcement that everyone has to leave. Bea is not happy and why is Greedo still there? How did he come back to life? Regardless, this... doesn't suck. Bea is kinda distraught, trying to get her people to leave, giving them one last round and telling them to leave. She sings a song that isn't too bad. She's just trying to protect her customers. She likes this job. If the special had just been Bea Arthur's Bar, I would have loved it. I would have watched it forever. Instead, we just get a mostly sincere sequence that lasts all of ten minutes which ends with Bea Arthur and Harvey hooking up. Good for them. Stupid Son sends a fake return to base command to the Imperials but is too stupid to turn off the volume on his end so one of the storm troopers goes to investigate. Looks like the kid might finally get killed. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!
Dang, the stormtrooper didn't shoot. Chewie and Han also show up. Finally. The kid lives unluckily. Han leaves because Harrison Ford has put himself on suicide watch and the Wookies are all left together. And now more Wookie talking sequences because they were so good before. It can all be summed up with "we're together, let's have relations later, someone's knocking at the door." Turns out it's Art Karney who then saves the Wookies who drop Acid and walk into the sun in a mass suicide. Huh.
Oh, no, they lived. Turns out they all ended up at their designated Life Day Celebration Location along with the Droids... for some reason. Then Luke, Han, and Leia show up. Carrie has just taken so many drugs. SO MANY DRUGS!!! Wait, if the three could get there so easy, why did Chewie have to struggle that much? And why is Carrie Fisher singing a song set to the Star Wars theme song about Life Day? I want some of what she's taking.
And now Chewie flashbacks to Star Wars. Christmas special, you should not remind us there are better things out there. Then again, if he had flashbacked to Manos, then it still would have reminded us of something better. So, is it over?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its not over yet! KJFJAO[GJOE[GJO[AEHG O[RHG[OH 0RCFKHV CFH L;GH OHG;HCHH;;;;;;;;CFSKLAGK;L H;LAHG;HR G garg!!!!! Okay, back in control. The Wookie's eat Life Day Dinner and we get the credits. Remember kids, read those credits carefully, make sure that each person involved in this project is systematically deprived of their ability to ever feel joy again. They deserve it. They must suffer to their last breath. They cannot be allowed to EVER do anything like this again!!!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Do they still make Anacin?
Late Christmas Ideas: The Head of George Lucas on a silver plate. Barring that, the assurance that Disney is never going to let something like.... this... crap happen again!
Notable Commercials: A bald man tells us that we should support American Made Lady's Undergarments. Then a bunch of women sing why we should also. I'll note that if I ever decide I need to buy women's undergarments.
It's good to know that TV has not gotten stupider. Nothing demonstrates that like seeing ads for Roller Variety shows.
Apparently Whirlpool wants you to take pride in the eagles it builds. That's the only explanation I can take from this commercial where they talk about making quality products but they just show an eagle flying around.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 22
Amps left: 1
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being deleting this file from my computer, 10 being considering the very idea of watching it again): 10
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