Time to watch a crappy Made-For-TV movie. Gob save my soul.
Christmas Do-Over: Oh goody, ABC Family. Last year was Lifetime so I have to do the other side of crappy Christmas movies, this time starring Jay Mohr.
We start with a douchebag doing last minute shopping. We can already tell he's going to learn a very important lesson about what Christmas is all about. We hear about a Christmas fair that's going on. I have a question: have any of you ever been to a Christmas Fair because they seem to be all over these specials. Anyway, the Douchebag who's named Kevin, comes home to his son. Kevin is materialistic and wants to buy stuff for the family instead of doing happy family stuff. Yep, he's learning a valuable lesson.
Kevin and his wife are divorced and they're all at her families house. Kevin got a Fun Bake Oven for his son. This is already painful because everyone there hates Kevin except for the grandma who wants to have sex with him. Then Kevin finds out a boulder is blocking the way out of town so he has to stay. That said, everyone is a terrible person in this one. Well, except the kid. The kid who wishes everyday was Christmas. Dear god. It's one of those Christmas movies.
The terrible human beings disguised as a familial unit go caroling. Kevin hates it. Who wouldn't? You know, if I hadn't already guessed that Kevin McCallister became Jigsaw, I would have guessed this scuzzball.Ex-wife's boyfriend proposes, she accepts, Kevin and son are less than happy.
And Time loops. Okay, it's Groundhog's Day. Since this is the first loop of the night, it means that Kevin is still getting the rules down. Second loop, he has the phase of trying to convince people to no degree of success. Third Loop, nothing new. Fourth loop, nothing new.
So, I'm guessing we're still on loop #4. Kevin just realized his son is a junior time lord, causing the warping of reality. He stops him from making the wish. Still doesn't change anything as fake CGI snow falls. Kevin becomes sure that nothing bad is going to happen and Loop #5!
Kevin tries to jump town. The boulder cuts him off.
Loop #6. He's in be the biggest douchebag mode of this journey. This includes going into sabotage mode on everyone. Huh. He figured out how to game the system pretty quickly. He then sets about destroying the Holiday for everyone save his son... and apparently Cougar Granny.
Loop #7, 8, 9, and 10 involve violence against an annoying Santa and then Jesus. And Mary. Holy crap. This isn't sucking.And now Joseph and evil Dad and Cougar Granny are in on the fight. Everyone this loop now hates Kevin more so he talks to Cougar Granny and he's inspired in the next loop to actually not suck as a human being.
Loop 11. He's now in the become a better man mode... except switching the gifts with the boyfriend. Okay, be a better man/sabotage The Boyfriend.
Loop 12: He plays the lottery and what seems like no difference from the Loop 11 strategy. Being an awesome person and ruining the Boyfriend's very existence. They get to the proposal and
Loop 13: The Boyfriend's proposal gets ruined some some.
Loop 14: And even more than that.
Loop 15: Kevin runs to get new awesome gifts for the family. Okay, I admit, I would take advantage of the time loop to screw with people. He completely broke this guy. Huh. I was seriously thinking I would hate this movie more. Strange.
Loops 16-22 have the only changes of escalating ways to break the New Boyfriend. Though Loop 22 kinda gets across that no matter what, Kevin's not winning back the ex.
Loop 23: Kevin tries to break the boulder. Failure.
Leep 24: Kevin tries to dynamite the boulder. Kevin blows himself up.
Loop 25: The boulder kills Kevin.
Loop 26: Kevin climbs over the boulder, falls and dies.
Loop 27: Kevin climbs a mountain to get away and the loop starts over.
Loop 28: Kevin learns skydiving, falls, and eats poison berries and dies.
Loop 29: Todd, the Boyfriend, comes to rescue Kevin. He finds out Todd isn't a bad guy. Good for him.
Loop 30: Kevin gets honest this attempt, acting like a normal human being as fake CGI snow falls. There's the standard heart-to-heart, Kevin is happy for Todd and the Ex.
Loop 31-42: Kevin learns to break dance. I am not joking. Later in loop 42, Kevin, using his break-dancing skills, helps the terrible dad win his float or something. It gets horribly sentimental and involves a speech from Winston Churchhill where he calls a family dressed as the Nativity evil. Kevin goes off to do something. Kevin is doing something with Fun Bake oven.
Loop: 43-48: Kevin learns how to change the Fun Bake oven into a toy that makes Monsters. The Ex slips that Kevin amazes her in a good way. Todd looks annoyed. He tries competing and instead makes the kid throw up. Todd is jealous. Kevin has also been using some of the loops to make a new, crappy Christmas carol. So, we get sentimental walk because Kevin learned his lesson and time goes back to normal and fake CGI snow falls because Kevin and the Ex are back together. That's the end.
Okay, I liked the movie up until the ending. Loop 30 was the logical ending. Why it had to go on an extra 18 loops is beyond me. Apparently the universe doesn't want you to be honest with who you are, it wants you to get back together with your first love. Seriously. I'm still trying to figure out the Aesop of this movie because they really made us like Kevin in Loop 29 and 30 and then bam, he becomes a little jerky in Loop 48 for some dumb reason and then disappears from the universe.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I would so not want to be one of the people in a time loop who never remember they were in one. You;d basically be nothing more than a toy for the person experiencing the loop
Late
Christmas Ideas: You know, Groundhog's day is not a bad movie. It really inspires you to live each day without consequences because you never know when it's going to loop and you get a freebie.
Notable Commercials: The universe wants me to get a tablet or something. I don't need one. So, points to me I think.
Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/2 left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being the best day of your life on permanent loop, 10 being the day of your most extensive dental work): 6
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