The Christmas Experiment 2012: Hours 5&6

Okay people, let's watch some less than Stellar animation.

The Polar Express: I hate this movie more out of principle than anything else. I know Hollywood has a hard time coming up with ideas these days. That said, most Children's Books don't have enough plot to fill out a 2 hour movie. Thus, most have to create pointless sub-plots to fill out the length or add musical numbers that add little to nothing to the film itself. I wish that was the only reason I dislike this movie as much as I do. It's not. Oh my god, it's not.

First off, let me talk about the animation right away. I'm a hand-drawn guy, all the way. I like CGI, don't get me wrong, its just that hand-drawn is so much more... beautiful to me. It takes so much more effort. The use of CGI in this one uses a fair amount of motion capture. It also has a fair amount of uncanny valley to it. Like seriously, these kids are the most freaking disturbing things I have seen in my entire life. I'm sure if the dread lord Cthulu emerged from his sleep and saw these things, he would scream his way back into the abyss.

One thing that pops to mind about this movie is Tom Hanks. They were more than a little frugal here, namely in having him voice half the cast. It works so well as a budget saving device. First off, Hanks ain't exactly cheap to hire. Even if he was a producer, you know he was making a pretty nickle here. Beyond that though, since Hanks voices so many of the characters, that means they don't have to hire extra voice actors to fill those roles. That said, it also makes sense if all these characters are the same person since a fair amount of them look alike also.

I would like to introduce you all to the concept of Mort. Mort is a being that exists in all possible universe's. He is the most annoying being to ever exist. He is the the most annoying geek ever. He is the kid that always knows everything, always has to be right, and happens to have every rare collectable you've never heard of. He will look down on you for not knowing something and will probably live with his mother well into his 40s. Know-It-All is this universe's Mort. The inclusion of such a character is kinda pointless. He's there mainly to add a character to learn a very valuable lesson. That's all I got on him, really. He's voiced by Eddie Deezan who has made his career off of voicing these kind of characters. Mandark in Dexter's Laboratory comes to mind.

In the long run though, back on the subject of pointless sub-plots, they barely add anything to the movie. See the entire section on the Ice flow. It's mainly there for an action sequence. Same for later on in the movie when the Observation car that the characters are in get decoupled. It also doesn't help that a fair amount of the scenes were obviously shot for 3-D. I understand that you have to put some extra stuff in since, quite frankly, a 30 page children's book does not easily translate to a 90 minute film.

In the long run, this movie would have been better as a Christmas Special then a Christmas Movie. Sorry but its true. There is too little plot to go around. One also has to factor in that the sheer amount of sequences that are build strictly for the 3-D and the creepiness of the kids, and you can see why I think this film fails. I don't hate it so much as I pity it for doing such a bad job as it does.

Also, the Josh Groban song? Kinda hopelessly schmaltzy which is sad considering that Groban is a pretty freaking awesome guy.

Non-Viewing Thoughts:I really do need to start decorating for Christmas sometime in the future. It certainly won't hurt in the long run.

Late Christmas Ideas:I really need a new mixer. I think a Cuisiart would be awesome but hell if I'm ever going to be able to afford one of those.

Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 23
Amps left: 3
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6ths left.
Sanity Rating: (1 being an elf on December 26th, 10 being the elf who has to wash Santa's suit on the 26th): 3