The Christmas Experiment 2013 Hours 1+2: Home Alone 4

Well, I'm starting off with a stinker. Woohoo...

Home Alone 4:What fresh hell Made for TV has unleashed? This thing.

Ahh! I'm in a terrible sequel!

First off, since this was made more than a decade after the first one, none of the same actors are in it. Secondly, the Macalister's have lost a kid but that doesn't matter. Anyway, Kevin's parents have separated, probably because you have a mom who would sell her soul to get back to her kid and a dad that's apathetic to a fault. Regardless, it's pretty certain that Kevin being a young sociopath is at the center of it all.

Anyway, I believe that the movie is in continuity though Kevin is younger than he was in the previous ones. He's definitely less charismatic. Kevin wishes that he didn't have older siblings and his mom does have that shirking her responsibility thing going on by just sending Kevin to his room. Also, Kevin's older brother treats him like crap, forgetting that his little brother nearly murdered two men.

Anyway, Kevin's Dad and his girlfriend live in some kinda mega-mansion that's being cased by Marv and his girlfriend. Marv, previously played by Daniel Stern, now played by French Stewart. Ugh. Also, Missi Pyle is the girlfriend. They're planning to kidnap some kinda crown prince or something that's staying at the mansion.

BTW, this is one of those magical movie mansions that are for the incredibly lazy who hate opening doors. Pretty much, everything is voice activated, from fire places to doors. Seriously. Who invents these things? Oh, and we get a montage of how much happier Kevin is in the mega-mansion. There's a maid who's too nice and a butler who's a dick. I'm betting by the end that he's the seemingly mean person who become Kevin's best friend who saves him at the last minute.

Here's why this thing doesn't work for me. Parts are trying to capture the magic of the original while also trying to work under a crap budget with the actors you get when you're working under a budget. Like a seriously terrible budget. Like the worst budget ever. Like this movie was made for a Buck Fifty and a post-dated check.

So, Marv and Girl break into the house to case the joint. You'd think Marv would have figured out that the house had Kevin in it. You know. The kid who tried to murder him TWICE! I would have given up on the plot right there and then. But, this is French Stewart we're talking about and he was the dumb one in the last few. Kevin totally pwns them. Understandably, since this was crafted by Disney, the laws of reality go out the door with a shower creating a tidal wave and flooding the entire ground floor of a house. Also, since this is one of those movies, no one believes Kevin that there were intruders.

Marv and Girl can't believe Kevin is there. They have an inside man. Betting on the maid since Prescott the Butler is too obvious. I bet Prescott suspects her already. Also, they cleaned up the ground door pretty quickly. Maid talks about her son. Yep, Marv is her son I bet.

Also, I keep expecting the Girlfriend to be a bad person but she's being nice, she's not being snide about a kid, she's honestly trying to make Kevin like her. Are... are they trying to make her not a terrible person and this is a movie about how your step-parents aren't necessarily evil? I mean, mine was but some kids are sure to have some awesome ones. Also, she's played by the love interest from the Phantom film.

So, tree trimming montage followed by emotional stuff and the tree getting undone by the girlfriend's people. Whatever. Mom goes to take stuff to Kevin. Mom gets jealous over the Girlfriend being kinda awesome. Then Mom and Dad talk making The Girlfriend jealous.

Also, there's a Royal Family coming, as alluded to earlier. They never establish what they're the royal family of. I assume "Fakeistan." I wonder what Royal Family is going to Chicago for a party? Maybe Rich Girlfriend made her money as an arms dealer and she's selling them something and that's why the Royals of "Fakeistan" are meeting with them. Regardless, the Royals cancel due to snow so Marv and Girl have a plan to kidnap a kid that's not showing up.  Anyway, Kevin drops them out a window.

So, now we're officially to the point where Kevin attempts bloody murder., in this case, now we have a frying pan, scalding liquids, and a heating element. They escape, Kevin looks like the bad guy, Dad is a dick, and yada yada. See mistaken identity crap.

Mom is crying about "It's a Wonderful Life." She and Kevin watch it. I hate that movie. So much. Seriously, how could be torn up over George Bailey? Maybe Mom and Dad broke up over her being an emotional wreck. Girlfriend makes a heel turn, threatens Kevin if he messes up her impending marriage. She then proceeds to have sex with Dad. They're pretty obvious like that.

Kevin starts setting up death traps, Mom and Girlfriend pick up the royals of Fakeistan, and Marv and company go to get ready for kidnapping. Also, Prescott gets locked in the basement and turns out I was totally right about the Maid being evil. Kevin gets locked up in the basement. Kevin and Prescott bond. They also waste a cellphone on calling Kevin's mom instead of the police. Regardless, Mom realizes that something's up.

Kevin gets out. Kevin starts doing stuff that should lead to the death of multiple people. Seriously, if this kid didn't become Jigsaw, he'll become a criminal profiler. He nearly murders multiple people, breaks up Marv and Girl, and masters his trapping skills. Seriously, the kid has successfully started his full transition to becoming Jigsaw. Also, keeping in full tradition of this series, Prescott saves Kevin's life at the last minute. However, no one thinks to tie up the thieves so they run only to be stopped by Kevin and Family. The Family must know about Kevin at this point. Sadly, his attempts to commit murder will be watched from here on out. He'll have to become more stealthy. All I know is I feel sorry for when Marv gets out and decides to do more of the dumb stuff again.

Anyway, things work out. Kevin's parents get back together, Girlfriend gets huffy, Prescott quits, and the Royal Family of Fakeistan decides to go to Kevin's house, leaving Girlfriend... Home Alone.

So, all in all, that sucked. Like really bad. Like, there's no excuse for how terrible that was. There's another film in the series but this appears to be the last of Kevin so, hey, small favors. He'll be moving onto attempt to murder people in elaborate death traps in a rusted metal city or something using Billy the Puppet.

Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do the rich equate having really nice stuff with having a great house? Also, why in movies are they incapable of doing background checks on employees? You'd think a maid with a son with a criminal record would be noticeable.

Late Christmas Ideas: Maybe a way to stop Straight to DVD cashgrabs from getting made?



Notable Commercials: So, ever see that Folgers commercial where the Borther and Sister are totally into each other? Like way too into each other? Yeah, here, just watch it:

Seriously, if Mom and Dad didn't come in at that moment, things were going to go badly.

Tally:
Mountain Dews left: 12
Amps left: 2
Pumpkin Pie Left: All There.
Cups of Coffee Drunk: 1
Sanity Rating: (1 being buying a smalltime crook, 10 being someone who continues a criminal plan despite the kid who foiled your plots in the past being there): 4