Jingle All the Way: You know, yeah, this is what Christmas was missing. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Christmas Extravaganza. There's a part of me that wants to just link to The Nostalgia Critic's review and be done with it but no, I guess I have to watch this cruddy thing. As a fan of Power Rangers, I'm slightly offended by the opening that's obviously created to invoke the feeling of the show's opening. For that matter, as a fan of Star Wars, I'm offended at this film for casting Jake Lloyd, ensuring his involvement in Episode 1. There are just so many things I hate about this movie but I'll focus on some of the things that just make it sink into the abyss of crap.Another problem is this is Arnold himself. The guy is not made to do comedies. Twins being the exception of course. His acting is wooden and he fails at being a sympathetic protagonist. More than that, this is the beginning of the end for the guy. Not counting The Expendables, this is really where his downward slope as a leading man began. Look at it. The following year was Batman and Robin. It was all downhill from there for this once great man. Still, he's far from the worst part of this film.
Sinbad. I shouldn't need to say anything else really. Maybe Talentless Hack. But still, he's not the villain, he's just a dangerous sociopath. Same difference I guess. They try so hard to make him a sympathetic character but then they have him do something insane for no real reason other than he's insane. For that matter, so is Arnold. I'd say that their behavior is critical of the reaction to Tickle-Me-Elmo except the movie came out the same year. If anything, it became a sign of our times. The sales people are portrayed as not caring about the consumer, acts of violence are alright when used in pursuit of toys. It's insulting. I work in retail and if I acted like that, I'd get fired in minutes. Then again, I'm sure the writer never did and he thinks it's funny. Who needs realism?
Another problem I have with this movie is that it also suffers from the entire "We need a villain" approach. Phil Hartman's character just exists to be a crapball in the film. He's smug, trying to steal Arnold's wife, and just being a scumwad. It's a shame that he gets wasted so badly but then, he's just devouring the scenery. Great actor, forced to do crud. Seriously, was Sinbad not enough for the villain quotient of the film? They needed another?
One huge problem is this: Why does Arnold get a real working Jetpack? Why did they develop a crappy real jetpack for this insignificant kids show parade float? For that matter, there's the problem of how the Parade is just random Mascot characters. It just seemed like they needed to give Arnold a action scene, otherwise they felt they would have wasted him. Why? For that matter, why did they decide to give us the last minute redemption for Sinbad? The character is schitzo the entire thing so I guess why not?
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| Yeah, I really watched this thing. |
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I love Phil Hartman. This thing was the last film he released before his death. He had a couple of films released after his passing but that this is the last film in his acting resume is the most disappointing part. Still, he got his role in Kiki's Delivery Service as well as a few voice acting roles on The Simpsons done before his hand.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Something Power Rangers. I dunno, there's still something to Power Rangers. It's cheesy but hey, at least it had a discernible plot most of the time and didn't have anything to do with this... thing.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being The Terminator, 10 being Around the World in 80 Days): 5
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