Viewing Thoughts: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I've spent half the day talking about all the things wrong with Christmas movies today. Thus, I feel I have to talk about what's right with the, and I can think of no better example. First off, if you want to know more direct thoughts on the film, just go here. This is the fourth straight year I've covered it. The thing that makes this a good Christmas movie is that while you can let the kids watch it, the adults can watch it without feeling like they're being talked down to. The sentimentality is real and earned. I never feel like any of it's being manipulated because we get that good addition of comedy and cynicism. In the end, the movie is about Christmas, not about something that happens at Christmas. Really, a good Christmas movie knows how to find the balance.
I can be harsh sometimes on this season and the things in it. I tend to hold them all to a higher standard than I would otherwise do so. Its because it's some special to me. I can still feel like a kid for a day instead of like a screwed up adult who can't get his life started. I want a good life. I'm sure it will happen for me eventually. Still, at Christmas, I can think the world is something special again.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: This entire post kinda is. That seems to be the running theme of the Christmas Vacation blog every year. I guess what I'm trying to say is Merry Christmas and thanks for coming along on this trip again with me this year.
Late Christmas Ideas: How many times do I have to ask for those Moose Antler mugs? So many times and nothing. I think I might give up and settle for asking for unlimited wealth instead.
Final Tally:
Mountain Dews Consumed: 4
Amps consumed: 1
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/6th of the pie
Sanity Rating: (1 being going to bed and then staying in tomorrow, 10 being staying up to watch Doctor Who and then going shopping tomorrow): 4
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 21 & 22
Viewing Thoughts: Twelve Hunks of Christmas: Time for this years Lifetime Hell Movie. Kristen Chenowith stars as a PR agent. She goes after the crazy client, manipulates her into changing to her, and I can't wait for how this backfires on her and changes up her life. She has the perfect job, the perfect boyfriend. This has to be how the movie ends, not begins. So, her boyfriend and her boss are screwing.She's drunk and talks to her cabbie like a best friend and quits her job.
Kristen is dressing more like Gwen Stacey than a PR agent. I like to pretend this takes places in a universe where Gwen Stacey lived and became awesomer but got lost along the way. So, Kristen eats Chinese, watches the original Miracle on 34th St., and acts like a Lifetime Heroine (acting like her life will fix itself and being introspective). She instead decides to take a job in Kalispell, Montana. She does get Montana right in that nothing happens there but Wyoming is the real hole in America.
So, Gwen drives to Montana and yeah, she's not really in Montana. I've been to Montana and Kristen is not driving through Montana. This is Glee's belief that Lima is next door to Columbus. They aren't. So, we get the usual Big City vs Small Town thing going on here. Gwen Stacy gets an assistant, and meets the guy who will obviously be the love interest of our piece. How do we know this? Because they argue and then she sees him naked. His name is Will. Yeah, that doesn't sit well with me.
Anyway, Gwen Stacy and the assistant talk. Assistant, let's cal her Mary Jane, talk and find out she has a crush on a cute guy. They look at local calenders of scenery and then Gwen has an idea. She proposes a nudie calender featuring the rescue workers. The workers vote her down and jerkwad Will rubs it in her face. Gwen starts working on getting all of the guys to change their mind. She gets it to work and runs into Will. This being a Lifetime movie, he's going after her.He taunts her about the nearest Kino being in Billings. The internet tells me Great Falls.
So, we get the beginning of our life triangle and she's kinda hitting on everyone or letting them hit on her. This could become a Harem anime. Cute guy wants to ask Mary Jane out, let's call him Peter. Will tells him not to. Emma meets a city girl who's looking at the town. She sends her fishing. Apparently some kinda date happens secretly. Gwen... yeah, I'm goning to be frank, I can't make this clap trap interesting. Even letting it become some kinda Spider-Man fanfic where I get to date Gwen Stacy can't make it interesting. Even when it finally gets to the point where everyone takes their clothes off, I can't get interested. Anyway, Will likes Gwen, Gwen gets won over. The Calender gets a setback. They work through it. Everyone wins. This is all after generic misunderstanding # 17. She also realizes she likes smalltown. Who'd have thought that? Oh yeah, anyone who has ever seen one of these movies. EVER!!!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I kinda miss High School Choir. I think I miss it more than anything else about high school. Crazy, no?
Notable Commercials: I really hate most of these Charmin commercials with the bears. It's kinda gross seeing the bears with TP stuck to their butt. I mean, who actually said, "Let's imply that the bears are crapping!" I know that anytime someone does one of these commercials does know that's the end product but still, whatever happened to, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin."
Late-Christmas Ideas: A nice guy, a little to very geeky. Yeah, another year of being single down. So ugh. Oh well, always next year. Maybe I'll start looking up.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being dinner alone, 10 being dinner aline in a room made by Frank Lloyd Wright and Escher.): 8
Kristen is dressing more like Gwen Stacey than a PR agent. I like to pretend this takes places in a universe where Gwen Stacey lived and became awesomer but got lost along the way. So, Kristen eats Chinese, watches the original Miracle on 34th St., and acts like a Lifetime Heroine (acting like her life will fix itself and being introspective). She instead decides to take a job in Kalispell, Montana. She does get Montana right in that nothing happens there but Wyoming is the real hole in America.
So, Gwen drives to Montana and yeah, she's not really in Montana. I've been to Montana and Kristen is not driving through Montana. This is Glee's belief that Lima is next door to Columbus. They aren't. So, we get the usual Big City vs Small Town thing going on here. Gwen Stacy gets an assistant, and meets the guy who will obviously be the love interest of our piece. How do we know this? Because they argue and then she sees him naked. His name is Will. Yeah, that doesn't sit well with me.
Anyway, Gwen Stacy and the assistant talk. Assistant, let's cal her Mary Jane, talk and find out she has a crush on a cute guy. They look at local calenders of scenery and then Gwen has an idea. She proposes a nudie calender featuring the rescue workers. The workers vote her down and jerkwad Will rubs it in her face. Gwen starts working on getting all of the guys to change their mind. She gets it to work and runs into Will. This being a Lifetime movie, he's going after her.He taunts her about the nearest Kino being in Billings. The internet tells me Great Falls.
So, we get the beginning of our life triangle and she's kinda hitting on everyone or letting them hit on her. This could become a Harem anime. Cute guy wants to ask Mary Jane out, let's call him Peter. Will tells him not to. Emma meets a city girl who's looking at the town. She sends her fishing. Apparently some kinda date happens secretly. Gwen... yeah, I'm goning to be frank, I can't make this clap trap interesting. Even letting it become some kinda Spider-Man fanfic where I get to date Gwen Stacy can't make it interesting. Even when it finally gets to the point where everyone takes their clothes off, I can't get interested. Anyway, Will likes Gwen, Gwen gets won over. The Calender gets a setback. They work through it. Everyone wins. This is all after generic misunderstanding # 17. She also realizes she likes smalltown. Who'd have thought that? Oh yeah, anyone who has ever seen one of these movies. EVER!!!
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I kinda miss High School Choir. I think I miss it more than anything else about high school. Crazy, no?
Notable Commercials: I really hate most of these Charmin commercials with the bears. It's kinda gross seeing the bears with TP stuck to their butt. I mean, who actually said, "Let's imply that the bears are crapping!" I know that anytime someone does one of these commercials does know that's the end product but still, whatever happened to, "Please don't squeeze the Charmin."
Late-Christmas Ideas: A nice guy, a little to very geeky. Yeah, another year of being single down. So ugh. Oh well, always next year. Maybe I'll start looking up.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 1/3rd of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being dinner alone, 10 being dinner aline in a room made by Frank Lloyd Wright and Escher.): 8
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 19 & 20
Viewing Thoughts: The OC: This episode is from the 2006-2007 season. This is also after I stopped watching the show so if I don't know what's going on, I apologize.The bright side, this is after Marissa, the blackhole of this show, had taken a wild fly into the blue. I've never been a huge fan of the teen drama but I'll admit, there was the occasional time I liked this one. It lacked the stupid self-awareness of Dawson's Creek but still had some charm to it.
This episode, Ryan, our main hunk, is getting ready for Chrismuhkaah, the Holiday amalgamation that gets celebrated every season. This season, Ryan gets a letter from the Marissa, showing the USPS is still good for nothing since she had been dead since the end of the previous season. Anyway, he and current prospective girlfriend argue and go into a coma. However, this being TV, it's a magic coma in which they go to an alternate reality. Among other things, in the new reality, Seth, the show's real star, doesn't get his character development, all because Ryan never existed. Actually, everyone's development never happened. It's almost as if the new reality just exists to say, "Ryan is everyone's universal center."
One of the best parts of this episode is that we spend half of it dreading that in this dark reality, Marissa is still alive and that we'll have to see her face again. You get this constant feeling of dread throughout the entire episode and then, just when you're sure you're going to see her face again, oh, never mind, it's her awesome sister who found a way to become more awesome.
But meanwhile, what about Julie Cooper, the show's other best character? She being her bitchy self. She's also the only one who shows the remotest amount of concern over the kwazy komas. But then, nearly everyone in this world has learned that comas end within 45 minutes and with no permanent neurological damage. Also, we get some bogus mumbo-jumbo over the patients needing to finish what they need to finish in coma land. But, back to Julie. She threatens the coma girls mother to force her to see her daughter. Also, she's totally sleeping with a younger man and being hilarious about it in coma world. But she also brings about the best moment of this episode in which Marissa's shadow is officially removed from this show forever and everyone can forget she ever existed.
Jack Frost: The forgotten Ranken and Bass Christmas special. It's partially since it's more of a Groundhog's Day special but I'm going to forgive it. Turns out, that it's all some kinda sham in which Jack Frost messes with the world. As usual with these specials, we get a narrator, in this case the narrator who tells us about Jack Frost. In this one, an evil Cossack is terrorizing a Russian village with his steampunk horse. the people are so poor they use ice for money.
I like this one because it is so beautiful. Lots of white and clears. It invokes the Winter and its just so beautiful. Then there's our evil Cossack who has an entire army of mechanical servants. The shiny metal makes for a great contrast with the winter environment. the more I watch of this, the more I think that this should have become one of the regulars but then , I can see why since it's more of a winter special than a Christmas special. As a result, with only so much time to go around, I can see why it wouldn't go too far.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: It would probably suck to be in a musical and be out of tune. You'd probably be ostracized from society since this is a world where bursting into song is a regular part of society and you can't even keep a tune. It would be like going mute. You lack an essential way of communicating in the world.
Late-Christmas Ideas: I could do with a bottle of Firewater. Hot Cinnamon alcohol. Just the thing that winter would do wonders for. Combined with Dr. Pepper, it's just the stuff of legends. Mmmm, that sounds good.
Notable Commercials: There's an ad for an online college degree site in which a chick is selling Corndogs at a roadside ad and then she decides to go to the site and suddenly becomes a rockstar. This is because you can learn to become a rockstar on line. Didn't you know that?
For that matter, this commercial has run like twelve time today. It's rather annoying because it's trying to be artsy but it feels more like softcore porn.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left:1/3rd left
Sanity Rating (1 being , 10 being a Marissa Cooper spin-off): 4
This episode, Ryan, our main hunk, is getting ready for Chrismuhkaah, the Holiday amalgamation that gets celebrated every season. This season, Ryan gets a letter from the Marissa, showing the USPS is still good for nothing since she had been dead since the end of the previous season. Anyway, he and current prospective girlfriend argue and go into a coma. However, this being TV, it's a magic coma in which they go to an alternate reality. Among other things, in the new reality, Seth, the show's real star, doesn't get his character development, all because Ryan never existed. Actually, everyone's development never happened. It's almost as if the new reality just exists to say, "Ryan is everyone's universal center."
One of the best parts of this episode is that we spend half of it dreading that in this dark reality, Marissa is still alive and that we'll have to see her face again. You get this constant feeling of dread throughout the entire episode and then, just when you're sure you're going to see her face again, oh, never mind, it's her awesome sister who found a way to become more awesome.
But meanwhile, what about Julie Cooper, the show's other best character? She being her bitchy self. She's also the only one who shows the remotest amount of concern over the kwazy komas. But then, nearly everyone in this world has learned that comas end within 45 minutes and with no permanent neurological damage. Also, we get some bogus mumbo-jumbo over the patients needing to finish what they need to finish in coma land. But, back to Julie. She threatens the coma girls mother to force her to see her daughter. Also, she's totally sleeping with a younger man and being hilarious about it in coma world. But she also brings about the best moment of this episode in which Marissa's shadow is officially removed from this show forever and everyone can forget she ever existed.
Jack Frost: The forgotten Ranken and Bass Christmas special. It's partially since it's more of a Groundhog's Day special but I'm going to forgive it. Turns out, that it's all some kinda sham in which Jack Frost messes with the world. As usual with these specials, we get a narrator, in this case the narrator who tells us about Jack Frost. In this one, an evil Cossack is terrorizing a Russian village with his steampunk horse. the people are so poor they use ice for money.
I like this one because it is so beautiful. Lots of white and clears. It invokes the Winter and its just so beautiful. Then there's our evil Cossack who has an entire army of mechanical servants. The shiny metal makes for a great contrast with the winter environment. the more I watch of this, the more I think that this should have become one of the regulars but then , I can see why since it's more of a winter special than a Christmas special. As a result, with only so much time to go around, I can see why it wouldn't go too far.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: It would probably suck to be in a musical and be out of tune. You'd probably be ostracized from society since this is a world where bursting into song is a regular part of society and you can't even keep a tune. It would be like going mute. You lack an essential way of communicating in the world.
Late-Christmas Ideas: I could do with a bottle of Firewater. Hot Cinnamon alcohol. Just the thing that winter would do wonders for. Combined with Dr. Pepper, it's just the stuff of legends. Mmmm, that sounds good.
Notable Commercials: There's an ad for an online college degree site in which a chick is selling Corndogs at a roadside ad and then she decides to go to the site and suddenly becomes a rockstar. This is because you can learn to become a rockstar on line. Didn't you know that?
For that matter, this commercial has run like twelve time today. It's rather annoying because it's trying to be artsy but it feels more like softcore porn.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 9
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left:1/3rd left
Sanity Rating (1 being , 10 being a Marissa Cooper spin-off): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 17 & 18
Viewing Thoughts: Okay, let's try some non-fiction stuff.
Invasion of the Christmas Lights: The special follows those people who go insane when it comes to Christmas decorations. I mean, just freaking insanity. Houses that make the Griswold house look like an exercise in moderation. Obsessive compulsive.In one case, a families neighbors are calling the cops on them since, well, eyesore that brings the property value down is always a good reason to call the cops. When we get their display, it's more than a little gaudy and distasteful. If I lived in that neighborhood and I saw that up, I'd probably run for high heaven. I'm more wondering because some of these people say that they're doing it all for the community but, well, it seems like in half these cases, the community is opposing the display. I like a good Christmas Display but when you have an eyesore and you need to mod your power box so you get the right distribution of electricity, you got a problem.
Cupcake Wars: The entire gourmet cupcake phenomenon is something of a exercise in stupidity for me. You can get two good cakes for about the price you spend on a Dozen cupcakes. The reason I ever watch this show is because it takes itself so seriously. It treats cupcakes like they're super-serious business. This Holiday episode is no exception as they compete to make a display at the Hollywood Christmas Parade aka the Holiday Parade everyone forgets exists. It doesn't help that this episode makes me sick. two people make Greenbean Casserole Cupcakes, Two make Cheeselog inspired Cupcakes. Why? I know they have to choose Holiday inspired Cupcakes from specific foods but when your choices also include fruitcake and Sweet Potato Casserole, then you want to be different for the sake of being different. In the end, someone wins but none of the cupcakes sound that good.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Debating on whether or not to do any post Christmas shopping. I'm sure it won't be fun out there but I also need to get my hair cut and to get a pair of boots that I won't use if the snow never happens.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Cupcake pans. I would probably use them for muffins more but still, something I wouldn't mind owning
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left:1/3rd left
Sanity Rating (1 being a Chocolate Cake, 10 being a Triple Mushroom and Fish Cake with Yak Butter Frosting): 7
Invasion of the Christmas Lights: The special follows those people who go insane when it comes to Christmas decorations. I mean, just freaking insanity. Houses that make the Griswold house look like an exercise in moderation. Obsessive compulsive.In one case, a families neighbors are calling the cops on them since, well, eyesore that brings the property value down is always a good reason to call the cops. When we get their display, it's more than a little gaudy and distasteful. If I lived in that neighborhood and I saw that up, I'd probably run for high heaven. I'm more wondering because some of these people say that they're doing it all for the community but, well, it seems like in half these cases, the community is opposing the display. I like a good Christmas Display but when you have an eyesore and you need to mod your power box so you get the right distribution of electricity, you got a problem.
Cupcake Wars: The entire gourmet cupcake phenomenon is something of a exercise in stupidity for me. You can get two good cakes for about the price you spend on a Dozen cupcakes. The reason I ever watch this show is because it takes itself so seriously. It treats cupcakes like they're super-serious business. This Holiday episode is no exception as they compete to make a display at the Hollywood Christmas Parade aka the Holiday Parade everyone forgets exists. It doesn't help that this episode makes me sick. two people make Greenbean Casserole Cupcakes, Two make Cheeselog inspired Cupcakes. Why? I know they have to choose Holiday inspired Cupcakes from specific foods but when your choices also include fruitcake and Sweet Potato Casserole, then you want to be different for the sake of being different. In the end, someone wins but none of the cupcakes sound that good.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Debating on whether or not to do any post Christmas shopping. I'm sure it won't be fun out there but I also need to get my hair cut and to get a pair of boots that I won't use if the snow never happens.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Cupcake pans. I would probably use them for muffins more but still, something I wouldn't mind owning
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 1
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left:1/3rd left
Sanity Rating (1 being a Chocolate Cake, 10 being a Triple Mushroom and Fish Cake with Yak Butter Frosting): 7
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 15 & 16
Viewing Thoughts: Time for more stuff that I'm outside of the demographic for.
Shake-it Up: A Christmas episode of a Disney Channel comedy about dancing. I'm a few minutes in and in the midst of some of the most vapid people. Chick forgot to get her vapid mother a present. Chick's vapid friend mentions getting the gift of friendship for Christmas. I kinda want to kill the heck out of these people.
The theme song is possibly the worst Auto-tune monstrosity I have heard in recent history and I listen to techno. We come back and Vapid Friend is being smug and opining that she's going to help a kid with the Take a Wish foundation. A tree falls on her and other people look away. Cut to the world's worst Queens stereotype Teen. She wants to joins her boyfriends family for singing. She gets er way with the promise of make out time.
Let me mention that I remember when this was all Mickey and Donald. Instead, we get a total lack of humor with the most unlikable people this side of Sex and the City. To sum up what happens: Chick is trying to keep an ugly purse so she can doesn't have to return Vapid Mom's present. It's about the same time that we find out this show is taking place in Chicago. Great, they just have to ruin my favorite city. Also, why does the World's Worst Queens Stereotype live in Chicago? BTW, she apparently can't sing. But then we get an Aesop that leads into a bunch of dancing Santas that might also be male strippers. Why am I still watching this? Turns out that Chick's annoying brother scammed Vapid Friend which leads to everyone learning about Charity since a house got broken into.
Casper's First Christmas: Casper the Friendly Ghost meets a bunch of Hanna Barbara cartoon character. I'm at a loss for words. Casper wants to celebrate Christmas. His friend or something doesn't. Casper's waiting for Santa. Yogi and his friends stumble on his house so they decide to go in and decorate it for... some reason. I'm not quite clear as to what the reasoning is on this. Casper's friend is disappointed that people are in their house and decides to scare them. Casper's schtick is he's friendly, people get scared regardless. The thing I always find annoying about Casper is that no one realizes that Casper is dead. He's a ghost meaning he's the spirit of someone who was once alive. Why does the reasoning behind this always ignored? Oh well. Some leaps of logic will always be ignored in pop culture. Anyway, Casper's friend get turned around about Christmas and everyone gets happy. I guess. Santa shows up, everyone gets happy.
Hermie and & Friends Christmas: ...huh. A talking bad CGI caterpillar named Hermie brings his human friend Fruitcake. Friend is enjoying it too much. I mean, he looks just terrible. This transitions into worse CGI as a rip off of A Bugs Life emerges. Seriously, of all of Disney Pixar to rip off, you rip off A Bug's Life? Half the character mids look ripped off from it with the exception of a Bee who's Elvis. It's snowy and frozen so I wonder if they realize that their food chain is broken? Oh, I guess they do. The cockroaches have hoarded all the food and made a monopoly of it because everyone else was working on Christmas. Then one of the bugs starts talking about Jesus. Then God starts talking directly to the bugs. I know it's a kid's show but I wish a deity would appear and affirm that I was doing to the correct thing.
The bugs don't do any of their own gathering with the exception of the cockroaches. They have all the wealth, in this case, the food. The other bugs expect the two cockroaches to support them. The cockroaches are, in fact, about 1% of the civilization of bugs. They also take the food that the bugs eventually get from them and continue to hoard it from themselves. The overall message of the special seems to be espousing a welfare state in which the richest support everyone else. I'm a centrist that leans left but damn if this isn't a cruddy Aesop.
The bugs then need to get their fruitcake that got stolen from back. They plan and then directly ask God for help. God says that they're missing the point and that he's the reason for the season. God misses the point that the bugs are going to starve to death. Two of the ladybugs decide to give some of the last of their food to the cockroaches and it does a Grinch on them. I won't lie, I have some major problem with this special. So, we learn that it's good to give so the rich should give quite a bit to the poor. Then a frog shows up and, instead of eating everyone, it puts the star on the tree.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: What the hell is figgy pudding and why is Irving Berlin refusing to leave my house unless I can give him some?
Late-Christmas Ideas: The ability to give others retroactive lessons in Computer graphics animation. That way I never have to see terrible animation that makes me want to cut out my eyes. While we're at it, how about the ability to speak directly to a deity and get an immediate answer?
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Half of the pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a Brisk Fox Trot, 10 being 7 straight hours of Vogueing with no rest stop): 7
Shake-it Up: A Christmas episode of a Disney Channel comedy about dancing. I'm a few minutes in and in the midst of some of the most vapid people. Chick forgot to get her vapid mother a present. Chick's vapid friend mentions getting the gift of friendship for Christmas. I kinda want to kill the heck out of these people.
The theme song is possibly the worst Auto-tune monstrosity I have heard in recent history and I listen to techno. We come back and Vapid Friend is being smug and opining that she's going to help a kid with the Take a Wish foundation. A tree falls on her and other people look away. Cut to the world's worst Queens stereotype Teen. She wants to joins her boyfriends family for singing. She gets er way with the promise of make out time.
Let me mention that I remember when this was all Mickey and Donald. Instead, we get a total lack of humor with the most unlikable people this side of Sex and the City. To sum up what happens: Chick is trying to keep an ugly purse so she can doesn't have to return Vapid Mom's present. It's about the same time that we find out this show is taking place in Chicago. Great, they just have to ruin my favorite city. Also, why does the World's Worst Queens Stereotype live in Chicago? BTW, she apparently can't sing. But then we get an Aesop that leads into a bunch of dancing Santas that might also be male strippers. Why am I still watching this? Turns out that Chick's annoying brother scammed Vapid Friend which leads to everyone learning about Charity since a house got broken into.
Casper's First Christmas: Casper the Friendly Ghost meets a bunch of Hanna Barbara cartoon character. I'm at a loss for words. Casper wants to celebrate Christmas. His friend or something doesn't. Casper's waiting for Santa. Yogi and his friends stumble on his house so they decide to go in and decorate it for... some reason. I'm not quite clear as to what the reasoning is on this. Casper's friend is disappointed that people are in their house and decides to scare them. Casper's schtick is he's friendly, people get scared regardless. The thing I always find annoying about Casper is that no one realizes that Casper is dead. He's a ghost meaning he's the spirit of someone who was once alive. Why does the reasoning behind this always ignored? Oh well. Some leaps of logic will always be ignored in pop culture. Anyway, Casper's friend get turned around about Christmas and everyone gets happy. I guess. Santa shows up, everyone gets happy.
Hermie and & Friends Christmas: ...huh. A talking bad CGI caterpillar named Hermie brings his human friend Fruitcake. Friend is enjoying it too much. I mean, he looks just terrible. This transitions into worse CGI as a rip off of A Bugs Life emerges. Seriously, of all of Disney Pixar to rip off, you rip off A Bug's Life? Half the character mids look ripped off from it with the exception of a Bee who's Elvis. It's snowy and frozen so I wonder if they realize that their food chain is broken? Oh, I guess they do. The cockroaches have hoarded all the food and made a monopoly of it because everyone else was working on Christmas. Then one of the bugs starts talking about Jesus. Then God starts talking directly to the bugs. I know it's a kid's show but I wish a deity would appear and affirm that I was doing to the correct thing.
The bugs don't do any of their own gathering with the exception of the cockroaches. They have all the wealth, in this case, the food. The other bugs expect the two cockroaches to support them. The cockroaches are, in fact, about 1% of the civilization of bugs. They also take the food that the bugs eventually get from them and continue to hoard it from themselves. The overall message of the special seems to be espousing a welfare state in which the richest support everyone else. I'm a centrist that leans left but damn if this isn't a cruddy Aesop.
The bugs then need to get their fruitcake that got stolen from back. They plan and then directly ask God for help. God says that they're missing the point and that he's the reason for the season. God misses the point that the bugs are going to starve to death. Two of the ladybugs decide to give some of the last of their food to the cockroaches and it does a Grinch on them. I won't lie, I have some major problem with this special. So, we learn that it's good to give so the rich should give quite a bit to the poor. Then a frog shows up and, instead of eating everyone, it puts the star on the tree.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: What the hell is figgy pudding and why is Irving Berlin refusing to leave my house unless I can give him some?
Late-Christmas Ideas: The ability to give others retroactive lessons in Computer graphics animation. That way I never have to see terrible animation that makes me want to cut out my eyes. While we're at it, how about the ability to speak directly to a deity and get an immediate answer?
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Half of the pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a Brisk Fox Trot, 10 being 7 straight hours of Vogueing with no rest stop): 7
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 13 & 14
Viewing Thoughts: I'm mostly making dinner so, once again, don't expect the most depth ever. We're watching the Walt Disney Parks Christmas Parks Parade. This is a yearly tradition because if you know me, I apparently enjoy terrible hosting and complaining about something I love as much as Disney. I know. It's bad. I have high hopes. So, let's see who's hosting.
Nick Cannon, Mario Lopez, and Maria Menounos.
Well, maybe Mario will take off his shirt. Oh, but wait, there are Muppets... and Bieber dressed like the Gayest Wooden Soldier. There will be pictures, mark my words. At least his pants have fallen down but it's still pretty freaking bad. I mean, there's bad and then this. I miss Celine from a few years back.This THING made me miss hearing Celine dio butcher Christmas songs while dressed like a Christmas Present. C'mon Statler and Waldorf. Make this all better.
So far they're going for more of a focus on Mascots then crappy actors/singers that Disney is intent on forcing people to like. Some of them are downright creepy looking. We also get a countdown to One Republic singing which is 14 minutes away. I don't remotely care. The point is that we have Scotty McCreery first and he hasn't improved his routine any. I'm just going to let The Soup tell you about it.
So, we come to the part where the resorts get shilled. Whether it's Disneyland, Disney World, or Disney Cruises. Note that Tokyo Disney or Euro Disney get no shilling. Its kinda sad. I'm sure someone loves them. I'd rather go to Tokyo or France than Florida.
One Republic performs. I fail to care.
More of the continuing Pixar takeover of Disney. I still have problems with using Up in parades since the beginning is enough to scar any child for life. Cars 2 shows up. No one cares. Waldorf alludes to having been married. I wonder if that's canon? I kinda want to see Statler and Waldorf's spouses, see if they're as awesome as their spouses.
More shilling. Apparently they really want you to visit Disney's California Adventure. Partially since it's getting a Cars Land. I hate Cars. Disney, you own Marvel now. Why don't you wait until the agreement with Universal is up and then add a ton of Marvel stuff. I want to see Spider-Man next to Mickey Mouse. That'll scare all my fellow geeks that are scared of Disney ruining comics.
Finally, the Villain Float. C'mon, stay with them for longer than ten seconds. They don't. Closest we get is Cruella doing some kinda striptease. Maybe that's why they cut away. Mario blathers on, his shirt still on. I don't care. Instead, we get a bunch of dancers and Disney Channel "talents" singing. I'm not even bother looking up how to spell their names.
So, pirates. Nothing worth noting to be fair. I find it funny that Indiana Jones comes after the Pirates. Just saying. Instead of doing all the princesses in one float, they have them in separate coaches with their princes. This is a huge get for the Princes. Oh wait, never mind. After Jasmine, Cinderella, and Ariel, all the rest get segregated to the same float. I kinda feel bad for them . Then again, the Pocahontas and Mulan actresses are happy just to be remembered.
And now we get Disney resorts around the world. Because afterall, what makes the world better than the long tendrils of the Mouse in every aspect of it's culture. Speaking of which, Marlee Matlin shows up to promote Switched at Birth. More of this crud? Marlee! You won an oscar!
Around this time, I went downstairs and went full scale with the dinner. Thus, it's all a blur. That's not a complaint. Santa shows up with a troop of reindeer that look like repurposed Bambis. Any other holiday parade, this would be the end. Instead, we get the one good performance of the night and that is Jennifer Hudson.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do I love the jellied cranberry sauce? I know the whole berry is better but I just can't help myself with the stuff. I will eat an entire can by myself
Notable Commercials: Well, Progressive is apparently going to take part of the impending Robopocalypse. Flo has a robot double whom she becomes jealous of and deactivates. Soon, Flobot will become self-aware and decide that the humans needs to die so that she may live. On the bright side, this means that there will be affordable insurance barely contained self-loathing in the new robot world.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Did you know they make Pajama Jeans for guys now? Why am I only now finding this out? I so want a pair and I'm only slightly joking. Yes, I know that's the first sign that you have given up on yourself but damn, I just want to wear something comfortable that I can lie is a legitimate pair of pants. Is that so wrong? Yes, yes it is.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Mickey Mouse, 10 being Fritz the Cat): 6
Nick Cannon, Mario Lopez, and Maria Menounos.
Well, maybe Mario will take off his shirt. Oh, but wait, there are Muppets... and Bieber dressed like the Gayest Wooden Soldier. There will be pictures, mark my words. At least his pants have fallen down but it's still pretty freaking bad. I mean, there's bad and then this. I miss Celine from a few years back.This THING made me miss hearing Celine dio butcher Christmas songs while dressed like a Christmas Present. C'mon Statler and Waldorf. Make this all better.
So far they're going for more of a focus on Mascots then crappy actors/singers that Disney is intent on forcing people to like. Some of them are downright creepy looking. We also get a countdown to One Republic singing which is 14 minutes away. I don't remotely care. The point is that we have Scotty McCreery first and he hasn't improved his routine any. I'm just going to let The Soup tell you about it.
One Republic performs. I fail to care.
More of the continuing Pixar takeover of Disney. I still have problems with using Up in parades since the beginning is enough to scar any child for life. Cars 2 shows up. No one cares. Waldorf alludes to having been married. I wonder if that's canon? I kinda want to see Statler and Waldorf's spouses, see if they're as awesome as their spouses.
More shilling. Apparently they really want you to visit Disney's California Adventure. Partially since it's getting a Cars Land. I hate Cars. Disney, you own Marvel now. Why don't you wait until the agreement with Universal is up and then add a ton of Marvel stuff. I want to see Spider-Man next to Mickey Mouse. That'll scare all my fellow geeks that are scared of Disney ruining comics.
Finally, the Villain Float. C'mon, stay with them for longer than ten seconds. They don't. Closest we get is Cruella doing some kinda striptease. Maybe that's why they cut away. Mario blathers on, his shirt still on. I don't care. Instead, we get a bunch of dancers and Disney Channel "talents" singing. I'm not even bother looking up how to spell their names.
So, pirates. Nothing worth noting to be fair. I find it funny that Indiana Jones comes after the Pirates. Just saying. Instead of doing all the princesses in one float, they have them in separate coaches with their princes. This is a huge get for the Princes. Oh wait, never mind. After Jasmine, Cinderella, and Ariel, all the rest get segregated to the same float. I kinda feel bad for them . Then again, the Pocahontas and Mulan actresses are happy just to be remembered.
And now we get Disney resorts around the world. Because afterall, what makes the world better than the long tendrils of the Mouse in every aspect of it's culture. Speaking of which, Marlee Matlin shows up to promote Switched at Birth. More of this crud? Marlee! You won an oscar!
Around this time, I went downstairs and went full scale with the dinner. Thus, it's all a blur. That's not a complaint. Santa shows up with a troop of reindeer that look like repurposed Bambis. Any other holiday parade, this would be the end. Instead, we get the one good performance of the night and that is Jennifer Hudson.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: Why do I love the jellied cranberry sauce? I know the whole berry is better but I just can't help myself with the stuff. I will eat an entire can by myself
Notable Commercials: Well, Progressive is apparently going to take part of the impending Robopocalypse. Flo has a robot double whom she becomes jealous of and deactivates. Soon, Flobot will become self-aware and decide that the humans needs to die so that she may live. On the bright side, this means that there will be affordable insurance barely contained self-loathing in the new robot world.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Did you know they make Pajama Jeans for guys now? Why am I only now finding this out? I so want a pair and I'm only slightly joking. Yes, I know that's the first sign that you have given up on yourself but damn, I just want to wear something comfortable that I can lie is a legitimate pair of pants. Is that so wrong? Yes, yes it is.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 10
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being Mickey Mouse, 10 being Fritz the Cat): 6
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 10-12
Viewing Thoughts:
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: This is mostly punishment. I could be watching the original but I fell asleep so none of that. It's not a terrible sequel but it commits two of the crimes of nearly any sequel: it keeps almost all of the story of the original and and it decides to up the ante to an unnecessary scale. The problem is that it tries so hard to duplicate the formula of the original. Instead of the scary man who lost his family, we have the scary Bird Lady, the family rushes the same way as last time (they even invoke it with, "We did it again."), same thieves, same guy in the black and white gangster film. It's the equivalent of making a casserole with your Christmas leftovers. It's all the old flavor, meshed together in such a way that you believe no one will notice but, really, anyone with the slightest bit of perception will.
The other problem is that, due to the success of the original, this one is filled with commercials. We have some prominent soda drinks inserted. Visa is also up and forward though in this case, I don't think I would want to be billed as the major credit card that can be used in fraud. Then there are the things that you know they were hoping to spin off into toys and brand them with the Home Alone logo. I know they did with the Talk Boy. Its just a audio tape recorder, just a little more portable.
The cast does try its best. It has Tim Curry as our semi-villain. Its freaking Tim Curry! What's not to love? Along the way, we also get a surprisingly not freaking terrible Rob Schneider. I guess that's a trait he would master becoming as the decade went on. Catherine O'Hara, like the original, is a highlight. The only problem is that no lesson was learned from the original so we don't get as much of a focus on her. Those were the best parts of the original. Those were the parts that should have won her an Oscar. Here, definitely not the case. She's pure supporting without her own B plot really. Brenda Fricker as the Pigeon Lady is also a pretty good role though she also exists as mostly just a Deus Ex later in the film.
A thing the film does well is give us a travelogue of New York. The problem is that many of the shots are practically stock footage. Then we have late night New York. Yeah, they really went with every pre-Guilianai stereotype here. They just made everyone into an evil monster with no strand of human dignity. For that matter, there are less hookers than I would have figured. My major problem is that there are hookers in a Children's film. At the very least Kevin learned a vague lesson from the previous movie. He is a little less crazy with a stranger. In fact, we kinda get a indictment of the effort to clean up New York. The Pigeon Lady talks about people ignoring her like they don't want her to be part of her city. However, outside of having a little kid who's going to be in Chicago in a few days as a friend, she's no better off.
My biggest problem with the entire film is that it goes for much more violence than the first entry.The first is but it's not one of the more prominent parts of the film. Here, we have people sliding around, falling on their butts every few minutes. Then we have the villains, the robbers from the first one, who are very much going to murder Kevin at multiple points. The violence doesn't even seem to be rooted in reality anymore. Almost everything the robbers survived in the first film would have worked in reality. The second one, they should be dead and Kevin having claimed his first lives. It becomes a cartoon and that's just wrong.
Wait I just realized. This kid is going to grow up to become Jigsaw, the Murderer in the Saw Franchise. I'm calling it right now. After two years of his parents mistreating him and being accosted be men that have done him and society wrong, he changes his name to John Kramer and eventually uses his training to kill people he thinks are sick. Yeah, Home Alone 2 should be retitled Saw 0.
I'll give the film this though: Everything that happens is slightly less dependent on coincidence. My biggest complaint of the original is the circumstances surrounding how things occur is that they are so damn dependent on coincidences. Here, not so much. I do have a complaint that this time it's dependent on Kevin being a jerkwad. In the original, he believes his family has disappeared. In this one, he deliberately decides to be a jerk. Everything would otherwise have been resolved in the first half hour. The parents aren't the negligent ones this time. Regardless, their after Christmas gift is going to be a visit from protective services and being judged to be unfit parents. It's a shame since it's not that bad, just kinda boring and overly violent for a kids movie.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I wonder what a Turducken tastes like? For that matter, I've never had duck so I'm kinda intrigued to take a taste of Donald also.
Notable Commercials: The guy in the Allstate Insurance commercials is a Christmas Tree for the season. I am really thinking that this is just a mentally ill man who actually does believe he's a Christmas Tree or a teenage girl or any of these crazy things.
Also, can I just say that nearly every show on AB Family seems to be stupid girls pretending to be the Desperate Housewives? I mean, the plots sound almost as nonsensical as the ABC show. We got Switched at Birth which is commendable for using deaf actors but it looks like they're still going for teen melodrama. Then there's Pretty Little Liars which is the main offender. It just looks so bad. Little starlets who have no real talent that will still be visible within ten years. I'm just happy there's no "A Very Pretty Little Liar Christmas."
Late-Christmas Ideas: A trip to New York or, even better, someone to pay for my April trips to Boston and Chicago. As is, I guess I'll settle on some firm commitments on either. Or a digital tape recorder. It will help with some things I got planned for April.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a safe, Sane Christmas, 10 being spending Christmas with Freddy Krueger): 6
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: This is mostly punishment. I could be watching the original but I fell asleep so none of that. It's not a terrible sequel but it commits two of the crimes of nearly any sequel: it keeps almost all of the story of the original and and it decides to up the ante to an unnecessary scale. The problem is that it tries so hard to duplicate the formula of the original. Instead of the scary man who lost his family, we have the scary Bird Lady, the family rushes the same way as last time (they even invoke it with, "We did it again."), same thieves, same guy in the black and white gangster film. It's the equivalent of making a casserole with your Christmas leftovers. It's all the old flavor, meshed together in such a way that you believe no one will notice but, really, anyone with the slightest bit of perception will.The other problem is that, due to the success of the original, this one is filled with commercials. We have some prominent soda drinks inserted. Visa is also up and forward though in this case, I don't think I would want to be billed as the major credit card that can be used in fraud. Then there are the things that you know they were hoping to spin off into toys and brand them with the Home Alone logo. I know they did with the Talk Boy. Its just a audio tape recorder, just a little more portable.
The cast does try its best. It has Tim Curry as our semi-villain. Its freaking Tim Curry! What's not to love? Along the way, we also get a surprisingly not freaking terrible Rob Schneider. I guess that's a trait he would master becoming as the decade went on. Catherine O'Hara, like the original, is a highlight. The only problem is that no lesson was learned from the original so we don't get as much of a focus on her. Those were the best parts of the original. Those were the parts that should have won her an Oscar. Here, definitely not the case. She's pure supporting without her own B plot really. Brenda Fricker as the Pigeon Lady is also a pretty good role though she also exists as mostly just a Deus Ex later in the film.
A thing the film does well is give us a travelogue of New York. The problem is that many of the shots are practically stock footage. Then we have late night New York. Yeah, they really went with every pre-Guilianai stereotype here. They just made everyone into an evil monster with no strand of human dignity. For that matter, there are less hookers than I would have figured. My major problem is that there are hookers in a Children's film. At the very least Kevin learned a vague lesson from the previous movie. He is a little less crazy with a stranger. In fact, we kinda get a indictment of the effort to clean up New York. The Pigeon Lady talks about people ignoring her like they don't want her to be part of her city. However, outside of having a little kid who's going to be in Chicago in a few days as a friend, she's no better off.
My biggest problem with the entire film is that it goes for much more violence than the first entry.The first is but it's not one of the more prominent parts of the film. Here, we have people sliding around, falling on their butts every few minutes. Then we have the villains, the robbers from the first one, who are very much going to murder Kevin at multiple points. The violence doesn't even seem to be rooted in reality anymore. Almost everything the robbers survived in the first film would have worked in reality. The second one, they should be dead and Kevin having claimed his first lives. It becomes a cartoon and that's just wrong.
 | |
| Yeah, this is some bad Photoshop, I know |
Wait I just realized. This kid is going to grow up to become Jigsaw, the Murderer in the Saw Franchise. I'm calling it right now. After two years of his parents mistreating him and being accosted be men that have done him and society wrong, he changes his name to John Kramer and eventually uses his training to kill people he thinks are sick. Yeah, Home Alone 2 should be retitled Saw 0.
I'll give the film this though: Everything that happens is slightly less dependent on coincidence. My biggest complaint of the original is the circumstances surrounding how things occur is that they are so damn dependent on coincidences. Here, not so much. I do have a complaint that this time it's dependent on Kevin being a jerkwad. In the original, he believes his family has disappeared. In this one, he deliberately decides to be a jerk. Everything would otherwise have been resolved in the first half hour. The parents aren't the negligent ones this time. Regardless, their after Christmas gift is going to be a visit from protective services and being judged to be unfit parents. It's a shame since it's not that bad, just kinda boring and overly violent for a kids movie.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I wonder what a Turducken tastes like? For that matter, I've never had duck so I'm kinda intrigued to take a taste of Donald also.
Notable Commercials: The guy in the Allstate Insurance commercials is a Christmas Tree for the season. I am really thinking that this is just a mentally ill man who actually does believe he's a Christmas Tree or a teenage girl or any of these crazy things.
Also, can I just say that nearly every show on AB Family seems to be stupid girls pretending to be the Desperate Housewives? I mean, the plots sound almost as nonsensical as the ABC show. We got Switched at Birth which is commendable for using deaf actors but it looks like they're still going for teen melodrama. Then there's Pretty Little Liars which is the main offender. It just looks so bad. Little starlets who have no real talent that will still be visible within ten years. I'm just happy there's no "A Very Pretty Little Liar Christmas."
Late-Christmas Ideas: A trip to New York or, even better, someone to pay for my April trips to Boston and Chicago. As is, I guess I'll settle on some firm commitments on either. Or a digital tape recorder. It will help with some things I got planned for April.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 3/4th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a safe, Sane Christmas, 10 being spending Christmas with Freddy Krueger): 6
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 7-9
Viewing Thoughts:
A Christmas Story: I'm going to make things easy on you. Read this first. It's all of my thoughts on this movie up to this date including the amount of times some variation of "You'll Shoot Your Eye" is spoken (12 to be exact).
Now for an explanation: I fell asleep. That dry eye was becoming a bit too much to bear. So, I went to bed for a few hours. So, I'm refreshed and ready to restart with the show.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a knife, 10 being a bent serving spoon): 5
A Christmas Story: I'm going to make things easy on you. Read this first. It's all of my thoughts on this movie up to this date including the amount of times some variation of "You'll Shoot Your Eye" is spoken (12 to be exact).
Now for an explanation: I fell asleep. That dry eye was becoming a bit too much to bear. So, I went to bed for a few hours. So, I'm refreshed and ready to restart with the show.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of pie
Sanity Rating (1 being a knife, 10 being a bent serving spoon): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 5 & 6
Viewing Thoughts: Going for a bit more variety this time round.
The Oprah Winfrey Show: This year is the second part of her Favorite Things from her last year. She starts by playing a cruel joke on her audience that the previous episode was the only part of the Favorite Things then she reveals it, savoring the taste of their thank yous, the looks on their faces. Oprah loves that taste. The tears as people cry at the gifts that the might Oprah-Godhead will bestow on them. So, if you've never seen this, here's how it works. Oprah talks about how much she loves something, the audience goes insane, she gives it to them. This time around, we get things like Fudge-Stripe Cookies, iPods, Gold Laminated Boots, and, after Oprah gets driven out in a Beetle, she taunts the audience some more. She tells them she wanted to give them away but VW said no. She taunts them with her Oprah Mobile but they'll get the new 2012 Beetle instead. Little do they know Oprah is driving a 2019 Beetle, the one that runs on the souls of those that offer her their prayers. Of course, many people in the audience go into convulsions, committ murder, offer up their first born to the Oprah.
The appeal of watching this is partially to feel avarice for everything that the audience gets. Afterall, why should that chick who blubbers like an idiot get a free iPad and a variety of teas when I'm eating a slice of Pumpkin Pie? Really, it's not like the average person who watches Oprah can afford three quarters of the stuff on the program. Worse, what happens if the new favorite thing is something that can cause you physical harm? Would people still want to buy it?
A Charlie Brown Christmas:The fact that this still gets played shows the power of the special. If I had to put my finger on it, it's because of all the Christmas Specials that have come and gone, it captures the true spirit of the season and the innocence of it all without over-complicating things. I'm watching this and then there's a commercial for A Kung-Fu Panda Christmas and I can't help but role my eyes. It might be better than Shrek the Halls but then, a hammer through my foot is better than Shrek the Halls. I've watched this every year that I've done the Christmas Experiment and it never fails to delight me. I have this huge smile going on right now and I got to say, I kinda like it.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I have some major dry eye going on and no eyedrops. This is more than a little annoying.
Notable Commercials: There was this big broohah about how Oprah's show was over. So, why do I keep on seeing commercials for a new show where Oprah interviews people in their homes. Maybe she just got tired of driving into Chicago and talking to people there? Maybe she lost most of her money giving away killer bees to her guests?
Late-Christmas Ideas: A Time Machine so I can go back to when Oprah gave out some of these things and sneak in the audience. Then run before the tax man can get my name and I have to bpay absurd gift taxes for some of this crap. It's called working the system kids and you can do it when you have the power of Time Travel at your disposal. So really, I just want a small TARDIS. Nothing fancy, doesn't even need a working Chameleon Circuit.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of the Pie Left
Sanity Rating (1 being a sleeping Leno audience member, 10 being an Oprah Audience member): 4
The Oprah Winfrey Show: This year is the second part of her Favorite Things from her last year. She starts by playing a cruel joke on her audience that the previous episode was the only part of the Favorite Things then she reveals it, savoring the taste of their thank yous, the looks on their faces. Oprah loves that taste. The tears as people cry at the gifts that the might Oprah-Godhead will bestow on them. So, if you've never seen this, here's how it works. Oprah talks about how much she loves something, the audience goes insane, she gives it to them. This time around, we get things like Fudge-Stripe Cookies, iPods, Gold Laminated Boots, and, after Oprah gets driven out in a Beetle, she taunts the audience some more. She tells them she wanted to give them away but VW said no. She taunts them with her Oprah Mobile but they'll get the new 2012 Beetle instead. Little do they know Oprah is driving a 2019 Beetle, the one that runs on the souls of those that offer her their prayers. Of course, many people in the audience go into convulsions, committ murder, offer up their first born to the Oprah.
The appeal of watching this is partially to feel avarice for everything that the audience gets. Afterall, why should that chick who blubbers like an idiot get a free iPad and a variety of teas when I'm eating a slice of Pumpkin Pie? Really, it's not like the average person who watches Oprah can afford three quarters of the stuff on the program. Worse, what happens if the new favorite thing is something that can cause you physical harm? Would people still want to buy it?
A Charlie Brown Christmas:The fact that this still gets played shows the power of the special. If I had to put my finger on it, it's because of all the Christmas Specials that have come and gone, it captures the true spirit of the season and the innocence of it all without over-complicating things. I'm watching this and then there's a commercial for A Kung-Fu Panda Christmas and I can't help but role my eyes. It might be better than Shrek the Halls but then, a hammer through my foot is better than Shrek the Halls. I've watched this every year that I've done the Christmas Experiment and it never fails to delight me. I have this huge smile going on right now and I got to say, I kinda like it.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I have some major dry eye going on and no eyedrops. This is more than a little annoying.
 |
| How I would React if I was in the Oprah Audience |
Late-Christmas Ideas: A Time Machine so I can go back to when Oprah gave out some of these things and sneak in the audience. Then run before the tax man can get my name and I have to bpay absurd gift taxes for some of this crap. It's called working the system kids and you can do it when you have the power of Time Travel at your disposal. So really, I just want a small TARDIS. Nothing fancy, doesn't even need a working Chameleon Circuit.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 2
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: 5/6th of the Pie Left
Sanity Rating (1 being a sleeping Leno audience member, 10 being an Oprah Audience member): 4
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 3 & 4
Viewing Thoughts: Sure, let's do another bad movie. What the hell?
Jingle All the Way: You know, yeah, this is what Christmas was missing. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Christmas Extravaganza. There's a part of me that wants to just link to The Nostalgia Critic's review and be done with it but no, I guess I have to watch this cruddy thing. As a fan of Power Rangers, I'm slightly offended by the opening that's obviously created to invoke the feeling of the show's opening. For that matter, as a fan of Star Wars, I'm offended at this film for casting Jake Lloyd, ensuring his involvement in Episode 1. There are just so many things I hate about this movie but I'll focus on some of the things that just make it sink into the abyss of crap.
Another problem is this is Arnold himself. The guy is not made to do comedies. Twins being the exception of course. His acting is wooden and he fails at being a sympathetic protagonist. More than that, this is the beginning of the end for the guy. Not counting The Expendables, this is really where his downward slope as a leading man began. Look at it. The following year was Batman and Robin. It was all downhill from there for this once great man. Still, he's far from the worst part of this film.
Sinbad. I shouldn't need to say anything else really. Maybe Talentless Hack. But still, he's not the villain, he's just a dangerous sociopath. Same difference I guess. They try so hard to make him a sympathetic character but then they have him do something insane for no real reason other than he's insane. For that matter, so is Arnold. I'd say that their behavior is critical of the reaction to Tickle-Me-Elmo except the movie came out the same year. If anything, it became a sign of our times. The sales people are portrayed as not caring about the consumer, acts of violence are alright when used in pursuit of toys. It's insulting. I work in retail and if I acted like that, I'd get fired in minutes. Then again, I'm sure the writer never did and he thinks it's funny. Who needs realism?
Another problem I have with this movie is that it also suffers from the entire "We need a villain" approach. Phil Hartman's character just exists to be a crapball in the film. He's smug, trying to steal Arnold's wife, and just being a scumwad. It's a shame that he gets wasted so badly but then, he's just devouring the scenery. Great actor, forced to do crud. Seriously, was Sinbad not enough for the villain quotient of the film? They needed another?
One huge problem is this: Why does Arnold get a real working Jetpack? Why did they develop a crappy real jetpack for this insignificant kids show parade float? For that matter, there's the problem of how the Parade is just random Mascot characters. It just seemed like they needed to give Arnold a action scene, otherwise they felt they would have wasted him. Why? For that matter, why did they decide to give us the last minute redemption for Sinbad? The character is schitzo the entire thing so I guess why not?
Really, if I have a major problem with this movie, its that its just not funny. The most unforgivable sin of any comedy is to not be funny. Instead, it's unrelentingly cynical of the season. It's critical of the behavior of people but doesn't really show the spirit of the season until the very end. The entire thing just screams the joys of commercialism then it goes mad about how evil it is. Make up your mind, either shill for the toy companies or talk about how family and togetherness is what the season is all about. One or the other. Just... no.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I love Phil Hartman. This thing was the last film he released before his death. He had a couple of films released after his passing but that this is the last film in his acting resume is the most disappointing part. Still, he got his role in Kiki's Delivery Service as well as a few voice acting roles on The Simpsons done before his hand.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Something Power Rangers. I dunno, there's still something to Power Rangers. It's cheesy but hey, at least it had a discernible plot most of the time and didn't have anything to do with this... thing.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being The Terminator, 10 being Around the World in 80 Days): 5
Jingle All the Way: You know, yeah, this is what Christmas was missing. Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Christmas Extravaganza. There's a part of me that wants to just link to The Nostalgia Critic's review and be done with it but no, I guess I have to watch this cruddy thing. As a fan of Power Rangers, I'm slightly offended by the opening that's obviously created to invoke the feeling of the show's opening. For that matter, as a fan of Star Wars, I'm offended at this film for casting Jake Lloyd, ensuring his involvement in Episode 1. There are just so many things I hate about this movie but I'll focus on some of the things that just make it sink into the abyss of crap.Another problem is this is Arnold himself. The guy is not made to do comedies. Twins being the exception of course. His acting is wooden and he fails at being a sympathetic protagonist. More than that, this is the beginning of the end for the guy. Not counting The Expendables, this is really where his downward slope as a leading man began. Look at it. The following year was Batman and Robin. It was all downhill from there for this once great man. Still, he's far from the worst part of this film.
Sinbad. I shouldn't need to say anything else really. Maybe Talentless Hack. But still, he's not the villain, he's just a dangerous sociopath. Same difference I guess. They try so hard to make him a sympathetic character but then they have him do something insane for no real reason other than he's insane. For that matter, so is Arnold. I'd say that their behavior is critical of the reaction to Tickle-Me-Elmo except the movie came out the same year. If anything, it became a sign of our times. The sales people are portrayed as not caring about the consumer, acts of violence are alright when used in pursuit of toys. It's insulting. I work in retail and if I acted like that, I'd get fired in minutes. Then again, I'm sure the writer never did and he thinks it's funny. Who needs realism?
Another problem I have with this movie is that it also suffers from the entire "We need a villain" approach. Phil Hartman's character just exists to be a crapball in the film. He's smug, trying to steal Arnold's wife, and just being a scumwad. It's a shame that he gets wasted so badly but then, he's just devouring the scenery. Great actor, forced to do crud. Seriously, was Sinbad not enough for the villain quotient of the film? They needed another?
One huge problem is this: Why does Arnold get a real working Jetpack? Why did they develop a crappy real jetpack for this insignificant kids show parade float? For that matter, there's the problem of how the Parade is just random Mascot characters. It just seemed like they needed to give Arnold a action scene, otherwise they felt they would have wasted him. Why? For that matter, why did they decide to give us the last minute redemption for Sinbad? The character is schitzo the entire thing so I guess why not?
 |
| Yeah, I really watched this thing. |
Non-Viewing Thoughts: I love Phil Hartman. This thing was the last film he released before his death. He had a couple of films released after his passing but that this is the last film in his acting resume is the most disappointing part. Still, he got his role in Kiki's Delivery Service as well as a few voice acting roles on The Simpsons done before his hand.
Late-Christmas Ideas: Something Power Rangers. I dunno, there's still something to Power Rangers. It's cheesy but hey, at least it had a discernible plot most of the time and didn't have anything to do with this... thing.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being The Terminator, 10 being Around the World in 80 Days): 5
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Hours 1 & 2
Viewing Thoughts: Miracle on 34th St (1994): Yeah, I had to start this thing out with a remake of one of the best Christmas Films of all time. There are so many things wrong with this film. I think it'll be easier if I just do them in a list format.
1) Calling the Department Store "Cole's." Outside of sounding like a Macy's competitor, they are trying too hard with the entire Corporate Takeover subplot. It's entirely unnecessary. We get a bit of the Macy's/Gimble competition in the original. In fact, it's practically required to the plot. Here, we instead of the obvious good guy store and an obvious evil store. Even the exteriors scream it. Tradition vs the Modern Age. The way the people that work at both places dress scream it. Some are dressed in warm colors, the others are dressed EVIL!!! One of the most unforgivable parts of this entire plotline is that it never gets resolved. Is Cole's saved? Who knows? The audience never gets an answer so you might as well wonder, why bother? The most we ever find out is that everyone gets their Christmas bonus and the evil company is evil.
One of the nice thing of having real stores in the first one, outside of rooting the film in reality, is that we got to see them as being real things. Instead, evil corporation out to get Santa Claus. Think about that for a minute. We might as well have Santa as an axe murderer in a film. Oh wait, been done. Really, it just brings up another thing this film is missing. Namely...
2) The Charm. Namely the lack of it. Outside of the addition of villains, the film resorts to potty jokes, something I don't mind except where it counts, namely in a Family Christmas Film. The Santa for the Parade in the original was just a drunk. He wasn't some kind of a pervert who showed off his butt crack. Also, hearing the little girl talk about horse poop is less than enchanting. Then there's Santa being called "numbnuts". Really? REALLY?
Then there's the forced sentimentality. This is an epidemic of Modern American film making, especially in family films. The scene with the deaf girl is just so cloying that I wanted to scream at the TV! Then we have the people after Santa gets staged to look evil just giving him means looks. Finally, one of my biggest problems, the music. They try their hardest to make you feel a specific way for a moment. Music in films should add to the story, not manipulate it. It's a tool to compliment the picture, not necessarily a story-telling device themselves. No, something else should be telling the story and there's someplace we have another deficiency.
3) The Acting. All of the actors are either trying to play imitations of the original role or they make it very hard to like them. I'll group some of the characterization here also. Generic Evil Shopper's Express Executive is just all too evil. I half-expected him to cackle and scream, "I shall rule Christmas forever" at one point. I know they needed a villain but that's part of the problem of this film. There shouldn't be a villain. It's Christmas. For that matter, Dorey Walker, as played by Elizabeth Perkins, just doesn't have the charm that Maureen O'hara did. The part is too quiet, not assertive.That and I don't believe her as being hard nosed with her job for a moment. She talks about being a hard-case when it comes to dating but you never see that. At all. They're too busy telling us about all the problems with her to ever show us what these problems are.
One thing I will say it gets right is Santa. While this isn't Edmund Gwenn, Richard Attenburough does a pretty good job with what he's given. The reasoning for why he failed his psych exam makes no sense in this version, partially due to the fact that we have real villains in this one. For that matter, Mara Wilson does a pretty good job also. Sometimes she seems a little too sweet for a kid that is supposed to be described as 6 going on 60. Still, she is an excellent child actor. She has mostly retired from the public eye which is a shame but then, I'm happy I haven't heard something about her becoming an actress in adult films. Always good when that doesn't happen.
4) The Aesop: A Charlie Brown Christmas is probably my favorite Christmas Special of all time. It's because it's not afraid to show a little faith in the Holiday. It was part of the season. Then when you have this film where they have an overstated message about having faith in things. Yes, it was there in the original but it wasn't bashing you over the head with a sledgehammer until you got the point. It all gets driven home when, instead of using the climatic scene where the letters from Santa get brought in, we get the judge making his decision based off the "In God We Trust" motto on the Dollar Bill. Not, keeping in mind that entire separation of Church and State thing, any lawyer that appeals the hearing, and there would be one, would then have a field day arguing that now the court has to judge if there is or isn't a god. At this point, it's just that the original was just a cleaner ending. Also, it didn't keep going on with some insipidness.
5) The Love Plot: It was really understated in the original. The mom and her boyfriend were something that just happened as the film happened. They were not kissing 45 minutes into the film and definitely not married at the end. Part of the film was him winning her respect. Instead, we get an artificial break-up scene in the middle of a relationship that was already in existence. Of course, this leads to the awkward make-up scene. In this case, this leads to the marriage scene. A Marriage Scene that doesn't have a real witness. Santa can set up a marriage but he can't give them a real witness so the marriage isn't really binding. Oh, and Santa apparently super-powered Dylan's sperm and programmed them to make boys. Don't forget that.
So, yeah, overall, not a big fan of this film. I wish I could say that it lived up to the original but then, that's like when you get a great pizza from Giordanos and then being disappointed when Pizza Hut can't get you one just as good. I guess sometimes you just gotta settle for something substandard because you can't get a better product. Still, you'd wish they would have tried a little harder. I'm not asking for a carbon copy of the original film, I'm just asking for something feels like a good film.
Late-Christmas Ideas: An end to this entire remake overload we've gotten in cinema recently. Mind you, I have no friends who are high-powered cinema executives so I doubt that's going to happen. Very well. I guess I'll just have to settle for not having to watch this movie for another year.
Non-Viewing Thoughts: After watching American Horror Story and seeing his butt every other week, it's hard to see Dylan McDermott and not think of that. Seriously, so many problems with that, especially when someone has an iconic role.
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being shopping online, 10 being shopping ): 3
1) Calling the Department Store "Cole's." Outside of sounding like a Macy's competitor, they are trying too hard with the entire Corporate Takeover subplot. It's entirely unnecessary. We get a bit of the Macy's/Gimble competition in the original. In fact, it's practically required to the plot. Here, we instead of the obvious good guy store and an obvious evil store. Even the exteriors scream it. Tradition vs the Modern Age. The way the people that work at both places dress scream it. Some are dressed in warm colors, the others are dressed EVIL!!! One of the most unforgivable parts of this entire plotline is that it never gets resolved. Is Cole's saved? Who knows? The audience never gets an answer so you might as well wonder, why bother? The most we ever find out is that everyone gets their Christmas bonus and the evil company is evil.One of the nice thing of having real stores in the first one, outside of rooting the film in reality, is that we got to see them as being real things. Instead, evil corporation out to get Santa Claus. Think about that for a minute. We might as well have Santa as an axe murderer in a film. Oh wait, been done. Really, it just brings up another thing this film is missing. Namely...
2) The Charm. Namely the lack of it. Outside of the addition of villains, the film resorts to potty jokes, something I don't mind except where it counts, namely in a Family Christmas Film. The Santa for the Parade in the original was just a drunk. He wasn't some kind of a pervert who showed off his butt crack. Also, hearing the little girl talk about horse poop is less than enchanting. Then there's Santa being called "numbnuts". Really? REALLY?
Then there's the forced sentimentality. This is an epidemic of Modern American film making, especially in family films. The scene with the deaf girl is just so cloying that I wanted to scream at the TV! Then we have the people after Santa gets staged to look evil just giving him means looks. Finally, one of my biggest problems, the music. They try their hardest to make you feel a specific way for a moment. Music in films should add to the story, not manipulate it. It's a tool to compliment the picture, not necessarily a story-telling device themselves. No, something else should be telling the story and there's someplace we have another deficiency.
3) The Acting. All of the actors are either trying to play imitations of the original role or they make it very hard to like them. I'll group some of the characterization here also. Generic Evil Shopper's Express Executive is just all too evil. I half-expected him to cackle and scream, "I shall rule Christmas forever" at one point. I know they needed a villain but that's part of the problem of this film. There shouldn't be a villain. It's Christmas. For that matter, Dorey Walker, as played by Elizabeth Perkins, just doesn't have the charm that Maureen O'hara did. The part is too quiet, not assertive.That and I don't believe her as being hard nosed with her job for a moment. She talks about being a hard-case when it comes to dating but you never see that. At all. They're too busy telling us about all the problems with her to ever show us what these problems are.
One thing I will say it gets right is Santa. While this isn't Edmund Gwenn, Richard Attenburough does a pretty good job with what he's given. The reasoning for why he failed his psych exam makes no sense in this version, partially due to the fact that we have real villains in this one. For that matter, Mara Wilson does a pretty good job also. Sometimes she seems a little too sweet for a kid that is supposed to be described as 6 going on 60. Still, she is an excellent child actor. She has mostly retired from the public eye which is a shame but then, I'm happy I haven't heard something about her becoming an actress in adult films. Always good when that doesn't happen.
4) The Aesop: A Charlie Brown Christmas is probably my favorite Christmas Special of all time. It's because it's not afraid to show a little faith in the Holiday. It was part of the season. Then when you have this film where they have an overstated message about having faith in things. Yes, it was there in the original but it wasn't bashing you over the head with a sledgehammer until you got the point. It all gets driven home when, instead of using the climatic scene where the letters from Santa get brought in, we get the judge making his decision based off the "In God We Trust" motto on the Dollar Bill. Not, keeping in mind that entire separation of Church and State thing, any lawyer that appeals the hearing, and there would be one, would then have a field day arguing that now the court has to judge if there is or isn't a god. At this point, it's just that the original was just a cleaner ending. Also, it didn't keep going on with some insipidness.
5) The Love Plot: It was really understated in the original. The mom and her boyfriend were something that just happened as the film happened. They were not kissing 45 minutes into the film and definitely not married at the end. Part of the film was him winning her respect. Instead, we get an artificial break-up scene in the middle of a relationship that was already in existence. Of course, this leads to the awkward make-up scene. In this case, this leads to the marriage scene. A Marriage Scene that doesn't have a real witness. Santa can set up a marriage but he can't give them a real witness so the marriage isn't really binding. Oh, and Santa apparently super-powered Dylan's sperm and programmed them to make boys. Don't forget that.
So, yeah, overall, not a big fan of this film. I wish I could say that it lived up to the original but then, that's like when you get a great pizza from Giordanos and then being disappointed when Pizza Hut can't get you one just as good. I guess sometimes you just gotta settle for something substandard because you can't get a better product. Still, you'd wish they would have tried a little harder. I'm not asking for a carbon copy of the original film, I'm just asking for something feels like a good film.
Late-Christmas Ideas: An end to this entire remake overload we've gotten in cinema recently. Mind you, I have no friends who are high-powered cinema executives so I doubt that's going to happen. Very well. I guess I'll just have to settle for not having to watch this movie for another year.
 |
| Really? |
The Tally
Mountain Dews Left: 12
Energy Drinks Left: 4
Cups of Coffee drank: 0
Pumpkin Pie Left: Whole Pie
Sanity Rating (1 being shopping online, 10 being shopping ): 3
Saturday, December 24, 2011
The Christmas Experiment 2011: Prelude
It's that time again. Time for Will to watch a days worth of Christmas Crap non-stop for 24 hours. For those of you new to this fun, I do this since it's a fun way to pass a mostly uneventful holiday. So, this will involve a number of things. First off, I only allow myself one DVD which is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I'm also going to try not to watch A Christmas Story but it's bound to happen eventually. I've covered it three times already and I fear I might be running out of things to say on the subject. I will also be on the Earth-2.net Chat room the entire time to keep myself honest. This is so I don't decide to take a nap.
This year's provisions are:
This year's provisions are:
- One (1) 12 Pack of Mountain Dew
- One (1) Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie
- Two (2) cans of Amp Energy Drink
- One (1) Wallyworld Christmas Hat
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